snark squad | where nostalgia comes to die

Detecting the shit out of things

Mysterious things happen all the time, whether you’re in Sweet Valley, Sunnydale, Los Angeles, Rosewood, or whatever random city Nancy Drew is in this time. (Not so much in Stoneybrook because that town is super uneventful.) We’re really proud of our characters when they successfully uncover mysterious things. Sometimes we are just really proud of ourselves. Usually it’s us.

See also: Lor is the best detective ever, Sara is the best detective ever, Sweeney is the best detective ever, we give good tv

BrainDead S01 E06 – Screw Those Screwworms

by Dani Denatti August 31, 2016 BrainDead
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I was pretty excited about this episode, because Aaron Tveit and Mary Elizabeth Winstead have been tweeting for weeks about filming a scene with “inappropriate salami.” MEW called it the weirdest scene of her career, and that’s saying a lot for someone who’s been in The Ring Two, Final Destination 3, and Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter.

Marines: AND PASSIONS. THE WEIRDEST SOAP OPERA EVER.

Dani: We begin with the obligatory “Previously on BrainDead” song, and I know I won’t shut up about them, but they really are the best thing ever.

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Pretty Little Liars S05 E13 – Just A-ing around.

by Samantha August 25, 2016 Pretty Little Liars
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I love a good holiday episode. This one starts with the girls walking outside on a picturesque Hollywood Christmas set, otherwise known as a street in Rosewood. Spencer says that since she’s out on bail for murder she’s not really vibing Christmas. Fair. Her and Toby agreed to just surprise each other with gestures. Hannah confuses gestures with jesters and I love her. They decide to write wishes down on paper snowflakes for a wish tree. Hannah sadz that the last time she was here she was with Mona. This throws us into a brief flashback that I feel comfortable calling an Ali-back just because Hannah is looking very Ali here. Mona and Hannah giggle and declare themselves bffs.

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BrainDead S01 E01 – #TeamMagicallyDelicious

by Dani Denatti August 8, 2016 BrainDead
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The show begins with a collection of TV screens displaying clips from our current election cycle. Scrawled across them, we get the following message:

“In the year 2016 there was a growing sense that people were losing their minds… And no one knew why…Until now.”


Marines: Well, shit. That’s scary because I do think people are losing their minds, but I’m not sure how I feel about zombie bugs as a reason…

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Supernatural S05 E09 – The facial expressions win the episode.

by Samantha February 20, 2016 Season 5
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The boys are burning rubber in the Impala as dramatic music plays. They pull up to a hotel and hurry out of the car when Dean double takes because there are several other ’67 Chevy Impala’s in the parking lot, exactly like Baby. Sam tells him to hurry up and we see Chuck pacing outside of the hotel. They hurry over to him and he seems super confused as to why they’re there. Sam is all “You sent me a text, bro and said it was life or death.” Chuck denies this and Dean is pissed because they drove all night. Realization seems to hit Chuck’s face and he oh nos. We hear Becky’s OMG voice say, “Sam!” and squealing. She runs up and Sam remembers her name which causes her to almost orgasm. Dean eye rolls hard and Becky says that Sam seems to have been thinking about her.

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Jessica Jones S01 E02 – Awkward ’cause of sex.

by Samantha January 4, 2016 Jessica Jones
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I love this shooooooooooow. Okay. We open with the Marvel logo and the pretty and disarming credits. I love how the music starts kind of low key and quaint and then builds into this more rock thing.

Credits over, Jessica Jones is sitting in a police interrogation room. A detective comes in and she tells him that she’s not sure how much more she can tell him. He comments on her tension and she’s basically like “Yeah. I watched people get murdered by an abused and controlled girl at the end of last episode. Of course I am.” He asks how she got in touch with the Shlottman’s and how she found Hope.

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Supernatural S05 E03 – With these hungry eyes

by Samantha November 28, 2015 Season 5
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We open at a Motel of the Week where Sam is sleeping all by his lonesome. And shirtless. Which I only point out because it’s super rare for the guys to be shirtless on this show. I think I remember reading somewhere once that J2 specifically asked for that to be the case. So I always find it interesting when it does happen. Anyway, yeah, Sam is sleeping and I swear he looks broody and troubled even in his sleep. Nothing is safe from manpain.

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Gotham S01 E21 – Failure to Emote

by Alex May 4, 2015 Gotham
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Oh hey. It’s me again, reviewing a Gotham episode for the third time this week. What can I say? The prospect of the season finale next week gave me a renewed sense of purpose. That, and the desire to be done with this show forever and ever.

Marines: She kept asking, “want me to do the next one?” and the answer was always yes. Yes forever.

Alex: So. It’s morning at Christian/Milo/Ogre’s apartment and rather than away screaming when she saw the murder chamber last night, Barbara instead spent the night there having lots and lots of sex.

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Pretty Little Liars S05 E01 – Extra-deranged.

by Marines April 9, 2015 Pretty Little Liars
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The happiest two seconds of the entire series happen when an EMT says Ezra’s pulse is getting weaker. The only one who is sad about this is Aria. Her friends hold her back and tell her she shouldn’t go with Ezra to the hospital because then the pesky cops will start asking her questions. Apparently, no one from the NYPD notices Aria hyperventilating after Ezra; they are busy questioning Noel Khan. Alison is on a fire escape, watching the ambulance ride by. A is– TRUE STORY– riding on the top of the ambulance like some kind of extra-deranged Spider-Man. I hate this show.

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Pretty Little Liars S04 E23 – Dem bones

by Jessica March 13, 2015 Pretty Little Liars
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Nighttime in the woods. Spencer wanders around in a bridal dress, getting tangled in the trees. She is being stalked by a black clothed figure, then we hear a stabbing sort of sound and she gasps. Is something exciting about to happen, you ask? Or something about to be revealed? PSYCH! No. Not even close.

“48 hours earlier” appears across the screen. Ah, that old trope.

Rosewood’s one coffee shop. All four Liars are discussing the fact that Paige tipped the cops off about Ali being alive.

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Gotham S01 E16 – Cirque du Suck

by Alex March 5, 2015 Gotham
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We open with a few quick establishing shots of various Gotham residents: Bruce is asleep on the sofa, his murder-investigation notebook open on his lap. Penguin is proudly watching his mother singing on stage in his new club. Fish wakes up on the floor of her prison and claps her hands, giving her fellow captives permission to get up and drink some water.

Clocktower Apartment and OH, GOODIE. Barbara’s back. (M: NOOOOOO.) She arrives home wearing a sexy black dress to find Selina and Ivy camped out in the living room. Selina explains that Jim dropped off his keys last week.

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Supernatural S03 E06 – How the sass tables turn

by Kirsti February 25, 2015 Season 3
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A young woman runs along an abandoned dock at night in tiny shorts and a sports bra. I roll my eyes so hard they nearly fall out of their sockets because no woman on earth would go running alone at night dressed like that. (A: +1.) She stops to get a drink at a water fountain, then looks up when there’s a crack of thunder. She sees a ghostly sailing ship float past, then vanish. She runs off, looking freaked out.

Cut to her house, where she’s showering. Segue: does anybody actually do a shampoo advert style hair flip in the shower? Because I call bullshit. It just makes the ceiling wet and drippy.

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Gotham S01 E14 – Don’t wear it out.

by Marines February 24, 2015 Gotham
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Yes, I’m doing another Gotham recap because we’re real behind and Sweeney is “too busy” to do these recaps. Mmmhmm.

Kidding! I love Sweeney and am totally okay taking one for the team. I also expect an extra round or two of alcohol when I see her face in April. So.

Sweeney: I mean, you already resolved to steal all the wine all the time always because of some other thing that happened in some other recap. I don’t really remember except that you’re gonna steal wine and also I’m tired and now I’m also stalling because fuck this show. But yeah, sure, lots-o-booze, girl. Promise, promise.

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How to Get Away with Murder S01 E08 – Bullshit.

by Sweeney November 17, 2014 How to Get Away With Murder
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This episode doesn’t begin with the improbable bonfire which by itself bums me out for the loss of the familiar. Even worse, it starts with people poking at Lila’s mottled corpse. So. Cool. We jump back 6 months earlier to June 2014 when Lila was still alive. She’s hanging out with Rebecca and speculating about whether her vagina’s going to be all, “Nope, access denied!” because she waited too long to have sex. It’s kind of adorable because while that’s total bullshit, this conversation is also so completely plausible. Rebecca wonders if the sex talk means that Griffin’s given up on that virginity pact and Lila confesses that she met someone whose identity she can’t reveal because, “He has a wife.” It pleases me to no end when the stars are earned by the people the episode is truly about.

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Supernatural S02 E20 – I dream of djinn(ie)

by Kirsti November 12, 2014 Season 2
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In the previouslies, we’re treated to a bunch of clips of Mary and Jessica to let us know that this episode is going to be suuuuuuper fun. When we’re done with previouslies, Dean’s in the Bromobile, which now has new plates. Because that TOTALLY makes it less obvious. Sam phones to say that there’s a cop car outside their motel. He heaves a sigh of relief when it leaves. Sam asks if Dean’s got anything, but LOL NOPE because Sam’s got him searching a massive area. Sam – books and Filofax of Shadows open to relevant entries – reveals that they’re hunting a djinn. Dean gushes about how hot Barbara Eden was, and Sam eyerolls before saying that djinns like to hole up in ruins.

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How to Get Away with Murder S01 E06 – Unbelievable eyeliner

by Marines November 6, 2014 How to Get Away With Murder
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Improbable bonfire. We cut immediately to Asher, so the improbable bonfire was just to (a) – establish that we are in the future and (b) – keep the bonfire episode opener going on forever. Asher is in his Twlight-movie-blue-filtered apartment dancing around, throwing money, drinking, gyrating, and generally being a lot more carefree than his Dumbledore’s Army counterparts in this uncertain future. He’s mid-thrusting on the couch when he gets a phone call from someone named Alicia. He wants to go to the bonfire because he has the Murder Weapon Trophy and doesn’t have to study. Except he just realizes that Murder Weapon Trophy is gone.

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