snark squad | where nostalgia comes to die

fun with misogyny

After Chapter 36 – Max Cruelty

by Marines June 13, 2017 After
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Tessa asks Hardin wtf he’s doing here even though the answer is obviously that he has some tasty Kool Aide samples for them to try. (M: OH YEAH.)

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After Chapter 34 – Chamomile tea is not enough.

by Samantha May 2, 2017 Uncategorized
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You can stop sweating with anxiety, dear readers! Hardin goes over to the dresser and pulls out a pair of blue and white boxers that are apparently hideous. (M: How hideous can they be without cartoon characters or something on them? What’s happening?) Tessa notes that Hardin’s soon to be step mom or father must have bought clothes for him to have here. Hardin leaves the room to change because it’s really nice to have privacy and stuff and to feel comfortable and IT WOULD REALLY SUCK IF SOMEONE FORCEFULLY TOOK THAT AWAY FROM SOMEONE. Ahem.

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After Chapter 32 – Hardin is the Kool-Aid Man.

by Samantha April 18, 2017 After
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Okay well here I go. To recap Tessa and Hardin alone in a room at night again. With sex implications in the terribly written text. Alright. Here we go. Oh, wait, man, have I asked how you all are recently? Anything new?

Marines: Just rip the bandaid off, girl. This garbage fire has 90-something chapters.

Samantha: …….fine. According to my Kindle app we’re only 26% done.

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After Chapter 20 – Why won’t this night end?

by Marines January 17, 2017 After
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You guys I just want this night to end. Was there ever another plot to this story? I feel like one party night bled into another party night and now we’re trapped in a college party hellscape.

Tessa is walking away from the frat house at 4 am. I kind of refuse to believe that a taxi service isn’t 24 hours in a college town but okay. She walks for an HOUR AND A HALF and omg I’m so exhausted thinking about it. How the heck far away was this frat house? (M: Ah, yes, the across town frat house. Classic.) She finally reaches campus and stop into 7-Eleven for “a cup.” IDK maybe it’s because I’m not a coffee drinker but I was hella confused over what the heck she meant.

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Breaking Dawn Chapter 08 – Nopesville, pop. 4 Snark Ladies

by Catherine January 16, 2017 Books
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Lucky, lucky me. We change to Jacob’s perspective for the middle chunk of the book. JOY.

Catherine: The only thing worse than Bella’s perspective is Jacob’s perspective. 

Annie: See, I’d completely forgotten about this in the book. And I got really excited when I saw the shift in perspectives. And then this chapter happened. Ha ha haaaaaa. Boy, was I stupid. I forgot that even though the perspective has changed, it’s still written by SMeyer.

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After Chapter 04 – Khaki is for virgins.

by Samantha October 11, 2016 After
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Okay guys. Here it is. The recap where we will finally find out what happens when Tessa finds a boy in her room.

Marines: Don’t forget she’s in a towel! The suspense is killing approximately no one.

Samantha: She asks the brown haired rude boy where Steph is. Her voice comes out in a squeak so maybe she swallowed a mouse in the heathen shower. The boy kind of half smirks at her but doesn’t answer her legit question. I hate him already you guys.

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After Chapter 02 – Dangerous misfits and rebels.

by Samantha October 4, 2016 After
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Okay! Here we go! Let’s see if anything happens this chapter!

Tessa totally can’t focus on anything as they drive to campus, not even her nice-soon-to-be-dumped-probably boyfriend. (M: Or his perfectly lined lips.) They arrive within a paragraph and apparently she never visited the campus before, which struck me as odd. Two hours isn’t that bad of a drive, surely they could have done a visit?

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BrainDead S01 E08 – Pass the Ketchup

by Dani September 20, 2016 BrainDead
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I could have done without the exploding head montage that begins this episode’s “previously on” song, but it was totally worth it to get to the fake prescription ad for Space Bugs. Funny how the possible side effects sound so similar to actual ads, other than the “Brain matter leakage is common but harmless” disclaimer.

Marines: The people running around in fields is fantastic. Also, on a related note, drug ads in the U.S. are RIDICULOUS.

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Eclipse Chapter 20 – Why me?

by Kirsti August 22, 2016 Books
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I skipped ahead to see what happens in this chapter and I only have one thing to say: WHY ME? WHY DO I KEEP BEING PUNISHED BY THE CHAPTER GODS?

Just hang on while I mentally prepare myself, you guys.

Marines: Kirsti. GET IT TOGETHER. We are ALL being punished by the chapter gods.

Catherine: This book is like Russian Roulette but the gun is fully loaded. 

K: Pretty much exactly.

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Eclipse Chapter 19 – The Lord’s Work

by Catherine August 17, 2016 Books
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After the excitement of last chapter, Bella is all tuckered out and Daddy!Edward has to carry her home in his arms and put her to bed. I assume he explained something to Charlie, otherwise he would’ve had to shove her in through the window and crawl in after her like you do when you’re trying to move a big couch.

Marines: Yeah, I’m assuming that’s what happened. He was probably like, “meh. She’s asleep anyway *shove*.” 

Annie: I wonder how Charlie feels about co-parenting his teenage daughter with her teenage boyfriend. Because I think it would make me homicidal.

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The OC S04 E06 – Pretty Little OC

by Ryan July 30, 2016 Season 4
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The last OC episode I recapped for Snark Squad had a lot of future Twilight actors and according to IMDB, this episode has a mini Pretty Little Liars get-together. Crossover magic is a thing I attract, apparently.

We open to Ryan staring at a fantasy of Taylor sexily dancing on the Cohen’s kitchen counter with some very big hair.

We go to Ryan’s POV and see Sandy offering him pre-smeared bagels, which he vacantly accepts. Ryan asks about Seth who appears to announce he’s leaving for Rhode Island. Again.

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Supernatural S05 E17 – The Kool-Aid can’t be far off.

by Kirsti April 27, 2016 Season 5
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The previouslies show us Lisa, from season 3, who has a son named Ben. It was the episode with the creepy ass children.

Kirsti: I’m sorry, you’ll have to be more specific. There are at least 2 episodes a season with creepy children…

Samantha: This segues us into the Impala burning rubber down a highway at night. Sam’s arm is injured and they are both a little frantic. They mention how they’ve never seen that many in one place before, just as the Impala screeches to a halt in front of a flaming barricade in the road.

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Grey Chapter 21 – Why?

by Alex March 22, 2016 Books
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Yes, it’s true. Ana and Grey broke up, but this book is still going. Can you guess how happy I am about that?

But E. L. must have a really good reason for writing FIVE MORE CHAPTERS of this damn thing, right? I’m sure there are going to be all sorts of plot twists and turns, and plenty of brand new information which will make reading what follows a totally worthwhile use of our time. Right? RIGHT?

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New Moon Chapter 15 – We’re in New Moon Country now.

by Catherine March 19, 2016 Books
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We open yet another chapter with Bella waking up in the morning. I know Meyer didn’t actually invent that shitty writing shortcut or anything, and it’s possible she didn’t even notice she was doing it so often, but does she not understand how fucking annoying it is to read? EVERY CHAPTER Bella is waking up for the morning and EVERY CHAPTER she goes to bed at the end. And it’s not like this is an intentional motif or anything.

I’m not even sure this complaint is making sense. This book is sapping my will to make sense.

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Supernatural S05 E13 – A sucker for those Winchester feels.

by Samantha March 16, 2016 Season 5
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So, I start off pumped because I love the Supernatural time travel episodes. Then I immediately sigh because we open with Dean sitting in a chair watching two girls, dressed as a devil and an angel, sexy dancing to the song Cherry Pie. It’s kind of awkward to be watching this in a public cafe, so I fast forward a wee bit. (K: Legit.) The girls go away and are replaced by Anna! Remember her? The angel girl? I always liked her. She awkwards that this is what Dean dreams about and he asks why she’s crashing his dreams.

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