snark squad | where nostalgia comes to die

he may be hot but he’s probably a stalker

After Chapter 32 – Hardin is the Kool-Aid Man.

by Samantha April 18, 2017 After
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Okay well here I go. To recap Tessa and Hardin alone in a room at night again. With sex implications in the terribly written text. Alright. Here we go. Oh, wait, man, have I asked how you all are recently? Anything new?

Marines: Just rip the bandaid off, girl. This garbage fire has 90-something chapters.

Samantha: …….fine. According to my Kindle app we’re only 26% done.

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After Chapter 24 – Very pure intentions.

by Samantha March 7, 2017 After
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So Tessa can’t focus on studying and decides to try a shower. Showers are a sort of magic so it helps relax her, and she realizes that she’s nervous and confused when it comes to Hardin. I mean, can you believe it? She’s nervous and confused when it comes to Hardin! Wow.

Marines: She “realizes” this even though we’ve suffered through 24 what-are-chapters of her being nervous and confused when it comes to Hardin. This girl is 139 characters short of a full Tweet.

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After Chapter 22 – Creepy response

by Marines January 24, 2017 After
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Hokay so, Tessa is getting ready to go to her first class of the day. I read the last chapter and I still have no idea time wise how we got here but it’s a new day so I am not poking it. Landon is waiting for her and they start heading to class, you know, the one that Hardin is also in. Landon asks after Tessa’s weekend and she says it was terrible. She asks him how his GF, Dakota, is and he becomes really happy and starts talking about her.

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After Chapter 10 – Doomed to sleep on the floor.

by Samantha November 1, 2016 After
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As Tessa flees the horror house lair, she starts to cry. There’s some more whining about how awful college/parties/roommates are. I know we’re trying to pad out these recaps a little but I also don’t want to lose readers from boredom.

Marines: Us trying to write words but not lose readers:

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After Chapter 02 – Dangerous misfits and rebels.

by Samantha October 4, 2016 After
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Okay! Here we go! Let’s see if anything happens this chapter!

Tessa totally can’t focus on anything as they drive to campus, not even her nice-soon-to-be-dumped-probably boyfriend. (M: Or his perfectly lined lips.) They arrive within a paragraph and apparently she never visited the campus before, which struck me as odd. Two hours isn’t that bad of a drive, surely they could have done a visit?

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Pretty Little Liars S05 E13 – Just A-ing around.

by Samantha August 25, 2016 Pretty Little Liars
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I love a good holiday episode. This one starts with the girls walking outside on a picturesque Hollywood Christmas set, otherwise known as a street in Rosewood. Spencer says that since she’s out on bail for murder she’s not really vibing Christmas. Fair. Her and Toby agreed to just surprise each other with gestures. Hannah confuses gestures with jesters and I love her. They decide to write wishes down on paper snowflakes for a wish tree. Hannah sadz that the last time she was here she was with Mona. This throws us into a brief flashback that I feel comfortable calling an Ali-back just because Hannah is looking very Ali here. Mona and Hannah giggle and declare themselves bffs.

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Eclipse Chapter 11 – Racially Uncomfortable

by Catherine July 25, 2016 Books
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So after Bella was handed off for partial custody from vampire to werewolf last chapter, she starts this chapter at a bonfire with all of the werewolves.

They’re eating hotdogs and talking.

Kirsti: More accurately, they’re eating hot dogs that were cooked on wire hangers. I’m still not sure why that level of detail was necessary.

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Eclipse Chapter 08 – Baby Love

by Kirsti July 16, 2016 Books
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Bella and Jacob end up on the beach again, and he asks if she thinks the Cullens will come get her. She says they won’t, but that they’ll be hella pissed when she goes back. He suggests not going back, and her only response is that Charlie would love that because he’s biased towards “my Quileute friends“. Uh. You mean Jacob? The rest tolerate you because of him, girl.

Annie: Actually, Charlie is biased towards anyone who isn’t the controlling, abusive, blood-thirsty boyfriend, but you tell yourself whatever makes you happier to stay in that relationship, Bells.

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Eclipse Chapter 06 – Angry whispers in the night.

by Annie July 11, 2016 Books
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Bella is driving home, paying little attention to the drive, but instead, thinking all about her visit with Jacob, when she spots Edward’s Volvo (M: Sparkle) in her rearview mirror. Edward is following way too closely behind her. That sounds super safe. Bella seems worried about how much trouble she’s going to be in, which is not a thing that should be happening, as Bella is an adult and Edward is her boyfriend. Not her parent.

Bella drives straight to Angela’s house, calling herself a chicken. Yeah, Bella. You’re scared to be alone with your boyfriend. You’re such a big chicken!

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Eclipse Chapter 05 – Legally binding love at first sight.

by Marines July 8, 2016 Books
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This chapter is called imprint and we’re so far away from imprinting but I’m already throwing up in my mouth.

Catherine: It gets worse, guys. It always, always gets worse. Remember that. 

Kirsti: Every time I think it can’t possibly get worse, it gets much MUCH worse. So yeah.

Mari:  We pick up one second after the end of the last chapter for whatever reason. Bella asks if Jake is okay since Charlie has basically been telling her how unokay he is. Also, she’s probably also asking because of his giant wolf hands and emo letters.

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Eclipse Chapter 03 – Vampiraptor!

by Catherine July 6, 2016 Books
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So every chapter of this book is roughly 30 pages long so far. I want you to really think about that, friends. 30 pages. There are chapters in War and Peace that are shorter than that.

Anyway! This endless nonsense begins with Edward and Bella getting back to Forks from their trip to Florida. Now, I know what you’re thinking. Edward and Bella went all the way to Florida on a trip that probably lasted days and Meyer had the restraint to leave it out!?

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Grey Chapter 23 – Sorry, Mari

by Alex May 10, 2016 Books
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Well, this is awkward. I’m currently feeling a little like the Grinch who stole Christmas, because just last week Mari sent me an excited email about how she’d finished writing the last Grey recap…

…and then I had to go and ruin it by pointing out that she’d missed out a whole chapter.

Sorry, Mari!

Marines: I Tweeted about being done and everything! Being suddenly not done was truly was the most depressing thing that has happened to me in a long, long while. IN MY DEFENSE, each of these chapters start with a dream and end with a brood so while I checked to make sure I was on the right chapter I WAS DUPED.

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Grey Chapter 22 – Full stalker mode

by Jessica April 26, 2016 Books
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Grey hasn’t gone to bed yet, but since we’ve passed midnight it’s the next chapter. He broods at his piano instead. He’s mad because Ana said she would try to change for him, but in the end she didn’t. In fact, he tells himself that she “fell at the first hurdle.” Grey, I think last night was leagues away from the first hurdle. Way after the selling-your-car and stalking-your-life hurdles.

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New Moon Chapter 23 – A kind of toilet

by Catherine April 5, 2016 Books
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Bella wakes up again. At the beginning of every chapter she must wake up. It is the prophecy.

She immediately remembers she had a bad dream that was also a thing that actually happened to her and takes like, 3 paragraphs to remind us of this thing that just happened to her. 700% of this book is just Bella rehashing things that we already had to suffer through once. In another life, we Snark Ladies must have sinned terribly.

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Grey Chapter 21 – Why?

by Alex March 22, 2016 Books
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Yes, it’s true. Ana and Grey broke up, but this book is still going. Can you guess how happy I am about that?

But E. L. must have a really good reason for writing FIVE MORE CHAPTERS of this damn thing, right? I’m sure there are going to be all sorts of plot twists and turns, and plenty of brand new information which will make reading what follows a totally worthwhile use of our time. Right? RIGHT?

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