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A Series of Unfortunate Events S01 E05 – Married to the sea.

by Dani Denatti April 17, 2017 A Series of Unfortunate Events
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New guardian means new credits! This time we’re told that this guardian is wracked with fear and panic and they end up on a boat that might as well be the Titanic. (S: Meanwhile I overthink where a Titanic reference puts us in time.) So, you know, look away, look away!

We start at an old-timey looking news station for Lachrymose News, “where things keep happening until they stop happening.” I know this “it keeps happening” feeling because it encapsulates all of my feelings about the current administration.

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BrainDead S01 E11 – The Little Spoon

by Dani Denatti October 20, 2016 BrainDead
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Our dear recapper just can’t even with this show anymore, so this week’s “previously on” song has him switching it up and giving us a recap of Gunsmoke.

I hear ya, recapper guy. Extremist alien-baby was tough to stomach.

Marines: Do we say that each new recap song is our favorite, because no really. THIS ONE is my favorite. 1- because of the way he starts off trying to recap in uncertain terms, 2- because I AM THAT STRESSED OUT TOO, 3- lol Gunsmoke, and 4- the doctor taking a pulse and shaking his head. Amazing.

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Designated Survivor S01 E01 – Who voted for this again?

by Marines September 29, 2016 Designated Survivor
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I should’ve known this episode was called “Pilot.” I feel like I tell you every time it comes up but it annoys me when pilots are titled Pilot.

But I’m starting off on a wrong foot. Hi, hello! Welcome to a new show because we are the little engine that could keep starting new shows when we have a billionty pending to finish. Hey, look y’all. We work with the recappers we got. And for this recap, we got Samantha (late of Supernatural but currently on Supergirl and Pretty Little Liars) and Dani (responsible for bringing us all the joy that is BrainDead).

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The OC S04 E10 – Endearing but WHAT EVEN?

by Marines August 22, 2016 Season 4
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Taylor visits Ryan during his break because she has the perfect Valentine’s Day present for him, even though Valentine’s Day is weeks away. Her perfect present? A scrapbook, complete with signed letter for her divorce lawyer, sneaky pictures she took of Ryan on her camera phone and their hospital bracelets from that one time they were in a joint coma. Ryan just makes some really uncomfortable noises.

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Supergirl S01 E15 – Cute little robot guy.

by Samantha August 2, 2016 Season 1
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We open this episode in the Phantom Zone, 13 years ago. Child Kara is sleeping in her pod when it starts to shake and jerk around. Child Kara makes some interesting acting choices and it passes through a space arch metal thing. I think it’s supposed to be ominous. Also, Kara was asleep for the entirety of her stay in the pod right? Since it was years?

Catherine: I guess not? She was supposed to be in stasis. I guess it’s like that thing where you wake up but realize you still have a couple more hours to sleep and roll over in your spaceship. 

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The OC S04 E06 – Pretty Little OC

by Ryan July 30, 2016 Season 4
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The last OC episode I recapped for Snark Squad had a lot of future Twilight actors and according to IMDB, this episode has a mini Pretty Little Liars get-together. Crossover magic is a thing I attract, apparently.

We open to Ryan staring at a fantasy of Taylor sexily dancing on the Cohen’s kitchen counter with some very big hair.

We go to Ryan’s POV and see Sandy offering him pre-smeared bagels, which he vacantly accepts. Ryan asks about Seth who appears to announce he’s leaving for Rhode Island. Again.

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Supernatural S05 E11 – Here are some gifs.

by Samantha March 2, 2016 Season 5
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We open at a psychiatric hospital where a woman patient sits in the doctor’s office. He asks why she refuses to take her medication and she says that they make her sleepy and if she sleeps the monster will come. The doctor is all “yeah, but this monster is just a symptom of the schizophrenia that you have, let me describe it to you.” Susan says that she knows what she is, she can see her dead son, but this monster is real and killed Annie. He keeps psycho babbling and refuses to believe.

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Supernatural S05 E09 – The facial expressions win the episode.

by Samantha February 20, 2016 Season 5
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The boys are burning rubber in the Impala as dramatic music plays. They pull up to a hotel and hurry out of the car when Dean double takes because there are several other ’67 Chevy Impala’s in the parking lot, exactly like Baby. Sam tells him to hurry up and we see Chuck pacing outside of the hotel. They hurry over to him and he seems super confused as to why they’re there. Sam is all “You sent me a text, bro and said it was life or death.” Chuck denies this and Dean is pissed because they drove all night. Realization seems to hit Chuck’s face and he oh nos. We hear Becky’s OMG voice say, “Sam!” and squealing. She runs up and Sam remembers her name which causes her to almost orgasm. Dean eye rolls hard and Becky says that Sam seems to have been thinking about her.

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Charmed S02 E21 – The Four Magicians of the Fauxpocalypse

by Marines February 19, 2016 Charmed
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The girls return from a shopping trip and talk about how fun the shopping trip was. Prue says it’s way more fun than vanquishing demons and everyone who has to watch them vanquish these demons would probably agree.

Stephanie: Maybe vanquishing would be more exciting if it involved more than a bad poem that turns demons into sparkles and twinkle lights in three seconds.

Mari: One of the girls turns on the little kitchen TV. There is a report on the news about a street brawl. Prue asks if they think this kind of violence has been happening a lot lately and Phoebe just quotes her Sociology 101 class.

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Supergirl S01 E09 – I am not okay with this.

by Samantha January 25, 2016 Season 1
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The episode picks up right where the last episode ended. Supergirl and Non go busting through the ceiling of Lord Technologies and begin to duke it out in the sky. They’re briefly interrupted by an airplane RUDELY flying in the middle of their fight but they carry on by smashing into the ground. Non has Supergirl in a chokehold and tells Supergirl that she’s as weak as any human. Hank comes out with a blaster gun thing and Non drops Kara to go after Hank. Is this a good time to ask what they wanted with Lord Technologies in the first place?

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The OC S03 E22 – Misunderstandings waiting to happen.

by Grace December 3, 2015 Season 3
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Hello friends! I’m super excited to guest recap for my internet idols, the lovely Snark Ladies, especially since I, like so many of my predecessors, have never seen this show before. Away we go!

After the previouslies, we open with Ryan carrying a duffel bag into what I can only assume is a palace – no, wait, it appears to be the Cohens’ house. (M: 75% of that house is imaginary and unusable anyway.) He goes to the kitchen, where Seth is chilling out with his own duffel bag. He eyes Ryan’s luggage: “You taking all that? You only own like a wifebeater and 2 hoodies.” Ryan says he doesn’t know what you’re supposed to pack for a prospective student weekend, so he just threw everything in.

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Jessica Jones S01 E01 – Pilot WIN.

by Marines November 30, 2015 Jessica Jones
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We start straight away with the credits, which I love. Maybe I’m just determined to love this. YAY CREDITS.

Stephanie: I loved them too. The colors! The music! I may have gone back to watch them again… twice.

Mari: To emphasize the dark!Veronica Mars (S: My first thought too.) vibe I’m getting right off the bat, the episode starts with Jessica Jones’s voiceover: New York may be the city that never sleeps, but it sure does sleep around. We see a man and a woman sneaking down Adultery Alley.

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Doctor Who S04 E00 – Hark the herald angels kill

by Kirsti November 28, 2015 Doctor Who
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We start where we left off – with the Titanic crashing into the TARDIS. After his “What?“s, the Doctor fiddles with something on the console panel, and the TARDIS is pulled off the ship. The hole in the side magically fixes itself, and the TARDIS vworp vworps onto the Titanic. The Doctor dusts himself off and heads off to explore. It’s all very Downton Abbey, with a piped orchestral version of Jingle Bells. There are also creepy animatronic angels standing around. Because, you know, we haven’t had enough angel related trauma already on this show. (M: I just want to blink freely.)

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Supernatural S05 E01 – Go read your books elsewhere.

by Samantha November 21, 2015 Season 5
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Hi everyone! I’m crazy excited to be joining in with the Supernatural recaps! I’m in Kirsti’s “Jon Know” neck of the woods. I have super Winchester brothers love and feels, while also the major acknowledgment that this show and the boys can be incredibly misogynistic and frustrating. I, uh, also own a necklace with Dean’s face on it, because I’ve been in love with him since 2007. So. Just getting the embarrassing outta the way at the gate. And without further ado, lets start Season 5!

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Charmed S02 E17 – The horrors of being single.

by Marines September 19, 2015 Charmed
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A bunch of old women stand in a circle, calling on something named Cryto. One of the ladies has a little coughing fit, but she urges the others to keep chanting. Even though they’ve been at it for 15 minutes, she’s sure Cryto will show up.

Stephanie: Before we get any further can we just take a moment to go WTF at the weird Leatherfaceness of this episode’s title? 

Mari: Absolutely!

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