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I hate this fictional character so hard

After Chapter 34 – Chamomile tea is not enough.

by Samantha May 2, 2017 Uncategorized
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You can stop sweating with anxiety, dear readers! Hardin goes over to the dresser and pulls out a pair of blue and white boxers that are apparently hideous. (M: How hideous can they be without cartoon characters or something on them? What’s happening?) Tessa notes that Hardin’s soon to be step mom or father must have bought clothes for him to have here. Hardin leaves the room to change because it’s really nice to have privacy and stuff and to feel comfortable and IT WOULD REALLY SUCK IF SOMEONE FORCEFULLY TOOK THAT AWAY FROM SOMEONE. Ahem.

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After Chapter 32 – Hardin is the Kool-Aid Man.

by Samantha April 18, 2017 After
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Okay well here I go. To recap Tessa and Hardin alone in a room at night again. With sex implications in the terribly written text. Alright. Here we go. Oh, wait, man, have I asked how you all are recently? Anything new?

Marines: Just rip the bandaid off, girl. This garbage fire has 90-something chapters.

Samantha: …….fine. According to my Kindle app we’re only 26% done.

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After Chapter 26 – Hate on, brats.

by Marines March 28, 2017 After
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Oh boy. Here we go.

Tessa tells us that Hardin’s hand is on her thigh and she hopes he never moves it. Sounds like an awkward way to live but okay. She studies his tattoos, making special note of an infinity symbol on his wrist. Apparently she’s a tattoo whisperer (M: lol) because she knows that this one is extra special to him. He asks her what kind of food she likes, and Tessa takes a moment to let us know how refreshing it is that he asked her a normal question.

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After Chapter 20 – Why won’t this night end?

by Marines January 17, 2017 After
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You guys I just want this night to end. Was there ever another plot to this story? I feel like one party night bled into another party night and now we’re trapped in a college party hellscape.

Tessa is walking away from the frat house at 4 am. I kind of refuse to believe that a taxi service isn’t 24 hours in a college town but okay. She walks for an HOUR AND A HALF and omg I’m so exhausted thinking about it. How the heck far away was this frat house? (M: Ah, yes, the across town frat house. Classic.) She finally reaches campus and stop into 7-Eleven for “a cup.” IDK maybe it’s because I’m not a coffee drinker but I was hella confused over what the heck she meant.

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Breaking Dawn Chapter 08 – Nopesville, pop. 4 Snark Ladies

by Catherine January 16, 2017 Books
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Lucky, lucky me. We change to Jacob’s perspective for the middle chunk of the book. JOY.

Catherine: The only thing worse than Bella’s perspective is Jacob’s perspective. 

Annie: See, I’d completely forgotten about this in the book. And I got really excited when I saw the shift in perspectives. And then this chapter happened. Ha ha haaaaaa. Boy, was I stupid. I forgot that even though the perspective has changed, it’s still written by SMeyer.

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After Chapter 12 – Crack whore storytelling game.

by Samantha November 8, 2016 After
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Tessa wakes up and right away notices that Steph is “snoring unattractively.” God. I just do not like you, Tessabelle. Let people sleep without your judgment clouding their auras or whatever.

She wonders how they’re going to get back to the dorms and heads out into the hallway looking for Nate. She realizes that she doesn’t even know if Nate is part of the frat, and yeah, that’s what happens when you spend more time judging on people than actually talking to them.

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After Chapter 08 – Flat faced kissing.

by Samantha October 25, 2016 After
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After Tessa catches Hardin and the pink haired girl macking in sin, she… stands there. She truly just stands there because she can’t get her feet to move. Cool.

Marines: Tessa is so stunned by two young people making out that she literally can’t get her body to move? Honestly? You were just trying to kiss your boyfriend like 3 micro-chapters ago. 

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Designated Survivor S01 E03 – #BogusPOTUS

by Dani Denatti October 13, 2016 Designated Survivor
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Dani: We begin at the site of the Capitol explosion, where a survivor has been found in the rubble. Hannah (Maggie Q) rushes over, obviously hoping it’s the guy she’s been brooding over for the last two episodes, but it’s not. Poor Maggie Q. I wish the writers would give her something to do other than have reactions to stuff.

Samantha: It’s unbelievable wasted potential. I should not keep forgetting that Maggie Q is in this show.

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After Chapter 04 – Khaki is for virgins.

by Samantha October 11, 2016 After
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Okay guys. Here it is. The recap where we will finally find out what happens when Tessa finds a boy in her room.

Marines: Don’t forget she’s in a towel! The suspense is killing approximately no one.

Samantha: She asks the brown haired rude boy where Steph is. Her voice comes out in a squeak so maybe she swallowed a mouse in the heathen shower. The boy kind of half smirks at her but doesn’t answer her legit question. I hate him already you guys.

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Dawson’s Creek S04 E12 – Crappy birthday, Pacey

by Kirsti October 7, 2016 Dawson's Creek
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Pacey’s asleep on the sofa when Joey wakes him up by singing happy birthday and shoving a cupcake in his face.

He’s none too pleased by this method of being woken up, and hopes like hell for no further acknowledgement of his birthday because birthdays are the actual worst.

Chelsea: This is not the way to wake someone up, ESPECIALLY ON THEIR BIRTHDAY. You let them wake up naturally and then bribe them with cake.

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Designated Survivor S01 E02 – Stop picking on glasses, dammit.

by Marines October 6, 2016 Designated Survivor
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Hokay. So this episode starts out at the bombing site, still the night of. The head FBI guy, Atwood, tells Maggie Q to look into all the usual suspects and to heighten security. I’m taking a moment to tell you that the playback on the ABC website is shitty, and makes rewatching this episode difficult. Get it together, ABC.

Marines: They also play like 27 years worth of commercials. Get it together, THIS IS THE INTERNET.

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Eclipse Chapter 27 – Pain seasoning.

by Catherine September 29, 2016 Books
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Bella has to pull over on her drive home because she’s so upset about breaking the heart of the guy who sexually assaulted her and admitted last chapter that he manipulated her with the threat of suicide and purposefully put her in a situation where he HOPED that her boyfriend would beat her up so that she would leave him and he could catch her on the rebound.

I am not as upset, if you can tell.

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Pretty Little Liars S05 E14 – Stranger danger whistle

by Jessica September 7, 2016 Pretty Little Liars
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It’s 3 months later from last episode, because they don’t want to do Christmas or winter anymore. (S: Yeah, this time jump was jarring.) We open on Mona’s funeral. Our four Liars walk out of the church, commenting on the contents of the casket, which does not include a body. Nothing has been found out since Mona’s disappearance/murder, and Spencer has been the only arrest. She’s negative about the chances of the Bethany letter they discovered last episode making any difference. She thinks they should have told Detective Tanner about the perceived Holbrook/Alison affair, but Toby says Tanner wouldn’t believe them and “needs to find out on her own.”

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Pretty Little Liars S05 E13 – Just A-ing around.

by Samantha August 25, 2016 Pretty Little Liars
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I love a good holiday episode. This one starts with the girls walking outside on a picturesque Hollywood Christmas set, otherwise known as a street in Rosewood. Spencer says that since she’s out on bail for murder she’s not really vibing Christmas. Fair. Her and Toby agreed to just surprise each other with gestures. Hannah confuses gestures with jesters and I love her. They decide to write wishes down on paper snowflakes for a wish tree. Hannah sadz that the last time she was here she was with Mona. This throws us into a brief flashback that I feel comfortable calling an Ali-back just because Hannah is looking very Ali here. Mona and Hannah giggle and declare themselves bffs.

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Charmed S03 E03 – Not those kinds of tweens.

by Marines August 17, 2016 Charmed
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Piper is tending to the bar at P^3 when Leo comes in. He needs to talk with her, but first they have to get their no-chemistry kissing on. When they break away, Leo says that he came to say goodbye because The Powers That Be won’t ever let them be together and all the usual nonsense we’ve been over a zillion times. His voice gets all dream-echoey and Piper can’t hear what he’s saying anymore even though it still sounds pretty clear to me. He backs away, mouths, “I love you,” and tinkles away. It’s a bit early for my gag-reflex to kick in, but there it is.

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