snark squad | where nostalgia comes to die

IN THE FACE

Sometimes there’s just nothing more badass than punching someone who badly deserves it IN THE FACE. We try to put that in all caps to recognize a badass when we see one.

Doctor Who S04 E14 – TARDIS 2.0

by Kirsti October 8, 2016 Doctor Who
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And so we enter the weird sort-of season. I honestly can’t remember the entire story behind why there was this series of specials instead of a whole season, but I think it had something to do with David Tennant being cast as Hamlet in the Royal Shakespeare Company’s production and it being far more successful than they’d planned??? Or something?

Whatever the reason, in 2009, there was no actual season.

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BrainDead S01 E07 – Pure Torture

by Dani Denatti September 14, 2016 BrainDead
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For this episode’s “Previously on BrainDead” song, Jonathan Coulton pretends he wasn’t just as worried as the rest of us when the space bugs got to Laurel.

Once again, we begin where the last episode ended — with Laurel and Gareth at the bar, trying to make things normal again, and Laurel saying she thinks bugs are eating people’s brains and making them stupid. Because that’s a totally normal thing to say.

Gareth is thrown by this, and Laurel admits she is, too. He asks about the bugs but struggles to take any of it seriously.

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BrainDead S01 E04 – Liberal Tourette’s

by Dani Denatti August 23, 2016 BrainDead
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We begin with the best previously song yet:

“Have you no sense of decency? My God, you monsters… not the cat!”

Marines: This song is basically doing our job for us.

Dani: (Shhhh…)

The action starts in an apartment building where a woman named Jules (Natalie Gold) meets her next-door neighbor, Noah (Michael Esper), for the first time.

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The OC S04 E09 – Are you my daddy?

by Marines August 16, 2016 Season 4
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Summer is in bed staring at her ugly engagement ring. Taylor walks in, asking for help with her resolutions. So far she’s got “get a job and stop mooching off of other people’s families” and “take calcium supplements.” That’s basically it.

Samantha: Taylor, if you’re gonna take calcium you might as well take iron, too. Get a well rounded supplement system going. 

Mari: After a beat, Summer suggests she add one more thing: plan Summer’s wedding.

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Game of Thrones S06 E07 – Long Live Princess Bearboss

by DemocracyDiva July 2, 2016 Game of Thrones
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Thanks for your patience, Snark Nation! Mari is traveling around the world, recruiting soldiers for the Great War to come, so Catherine and I are going to finish this season up on our own and probably hold each other while we sob. Right? Right.

Catherine: It’s so likely that I’m upgrading it from a probably to a definitely. Get ready to emotionally suffer! 

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Doctor Who S04 E09 – Everybody lives (again)!

by Marines June 6, 2016 Doctor Who
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We recap part one in the previouslies and then head straight to DOO WEE OOH.

After the opening credits, we pick up right where we left off, with Swarm in a Suit chasing our gang, cornering them in a dark hallway. River stands back and blasts a way out for them.

Little Girl is sitting on her couch and the chase sequence is playing out on her TV. She tells her father that the library is on TV, and he reminds her that the library is all in her imagination.

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The OC S04 E03 – Crazy Eyebrow Man to the Rescue!

by Katie June 4, 2016 Season 4
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Orange County is pretty! That’s how we open before settling in on the Cohen home, where Kirsten exposits that Ryan hasn’t spoken to them in days. Sandy says he’s not worried about Ryan not talking to the two of them, but he is concerned that Ryan’s still ignoring Seth.

Meanwhile, Ryan’s on the phone with Julie, who’s pouting about Sandy and Kirsten uninviting her from Thanksgiving. Kirsten and Sandy are discussing this as well, and Sandy says sending their kids on a murder mission knocks you off the guest list.

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Supernatural S05 E19 – Those beautiful wings.

by Samantha May 18, 2016 Season 5
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This episode, a random favorite of mine, opens at a run down vacant motel in Indiana. A sheriff looking fella walks inside and starts looking around. We see that the name of the hotel is the Elysium Fields and the Greek Mythology nerd inside of me has a field (har har) day. We also see a flower pot bloom into life. The flowers look vaguely lotus-y if you put your imagination to it. There’s lots of noises and camera angles to indicate that this motel is not quite as abandoned as it appears. Sure enough, the sheriff guy turns around to find an immaculate looking bellhop standing there. He tries to tell the bellhop that he isn’t allowed to be here, but Bellhop just rambles about how he has to get everything ready because they are all coming. He then tells the sherif cop guy that he’s dinner and murders the fuck out of him.

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Supergirl S01 E06 – Angry anger

by Samantha December 9, 2015 Season 1
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Okay so the episode starts with Kara flying over the city. Alex beeps in to ask if everything is okay since usually flying = cheesy battles. But no, this time Kara is just flying to clear her head. But, of course, duty calls and Kara hears some trouble a brewing.

Marines: I don’t want to start every episode with Supergirl flying and making some statement that then gets immediately negated. I DON’T WANNA.

Samantha: We cut to the spin off Fast and Furious show that Vin Diesel has been talking about and I get excited! Two guys are yelling at each other and banging their cars together. It’s Fast and Furious: Road Rage, y’all. Of course they’re doing this in a school zone and almost super murder a bunch of little kids crossing the street.

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Doctor Who S03 E08 – The single heart life.

by Kirsti September 16, 2015 Doctor Who
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Martha and the Doctor burst into the TARDIS, explosions following them. The Doctor asks frantically if “they” saw Martha’s face. She insists that they couldn’t have. They set off through time and space, but the unnamed “they” follows, thanks to some stolen technology. The Doctor looks panicky as he realises “they” can follow him anywhere. “I’ll have to do it,” he says. He grabs a pocket watch and waves it at Martha, saying that his life depends on it. He talks directly into the camera as he starts to say more about the watch.

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Supernatural S04 E13 – Back to school

by Kirsti August 15, 2015 Season 4
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We open with a preppy blonde cheerleader uttering the words “She’s such a slut,” so that we can get our misogyny shots out of the way early. The jock next to her at the lunch table says he’s “pro-slut” (SHOTS!) and asks for further details. She provides them, then stops as the girl in question approaches the table and goes to sit in her usual spot. But LOL NOPE, society is the worst and all her friends fake-cough “SLUT!” at her until she storms off to sit at another table.

Marines: She can’t see it now, but it’s a better table, far from slut-shamers and almost equally as bad, people who would ever fake cough a word.

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Orphan Black S03 E04 – Bullets and blood and brains, oh my!

by Jessica July 20, 2015 Orphan Black
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>We start right back where we ended at the Finch Farm, with Mark facing off against Gracie’s mom. At the end of last episode, she had him cornered in the cornfield and we heard a shot go off.

Closeup on creepy corn. Sigh, it’s ALWAYS creepy corn.

Marines: If I ever have to run into creepy corn, I’m basically doing this:

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Pretty Little Liars S05 E05 – Church slap fight

by Jessica June 23, 2015 Pretty Little Liars
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So this is the 100th episode of this show. Let’s do a quick round-up of what we know after approximately a century’s worth of episodes.

Question 1: Is Alison alive?

Answer: Yes!

Question 2: Who is A?

Answer: No freaking clue.

Ok good, you’re all caught up. On to the episode! (M: This is my favorite thing that’s ever happened.)

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Supernatural S04 E04 – Just like your dad

by Kirsti May 28, 2015 Season 4
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We open with a close up of an iron pentagram, then pan down to see that Sam and Ruby 2.0 have a demon tied up underneath it. Sam asks where Lilith is, and the demon sasses at him. We then get in a double dose of misogyny shots when the demon says that Sam’s “slutting around” with Ruby and then calls her a bitch. Not even 30 seconds in and we’re two shots down. It’s going to be a long road, friends…

Marines: At this rate, though, we won’t even feel it. 

K: Thank Heaven for small mercies.

Sam does his angry nostril twitch and holds his hand out. The demon pukes up black smoke, which burns away into the floor.

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Gotham S01 E22 – 0% sense

by Marines May 14, 2015 Gotham
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WE MADE IT. Dear God we made it.

More feelings soon, recap first: we start with Selina actually outside, without a home, probably because it will be plot convenient shortly. She’s warming her hands by a trash can fire when she spots across the Gotham river (sea? lake? IDK.) Fish standing at the front of a boat. IDK how the boat got involved after the helicopter, but OKAY. She looks like the Reaper because she’s coming to bring death! But no worries for us because it’s probably only to her one season long contract. #nonspoileryspoilers

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