snark squad | where nostalgia comes to die

Pedoalert

Warning: activity associated with pedophilia detected. Not to be confused with a pedolationship, in which actual pedophilia is happening, but nobody seems willing to call it that. (Except us, of course. That’s what we’re here for.)

See also: a pedo-lationship is like a real relationship but illegal

A Series of Unfortunate Events S01 E04 – Impotent Rage

by Marines March 15, 2017 A Series of Unfortunate Events
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Look away, look away!

Lemony says there is no word to describe waking up and knowing instantly that something is wrong. (Dani: Sure there is: “Monday”) (Annie: Truth.) This is what happens to the Baudelaires the morning after we last saw them (bad feeling, not Monday), as they wake up to the sun rising and not thanks to their Uncle Monty.

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A Series of Unfortunate Events S01 E02 – Literally

by Marines January 24, 2017 A Series of Unfortunate Events
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Look away, look away, look away.

Didn’t? Okay.

Samantha: This theme song gets stuck in my head in a big way.

Annie: This song has been keeping me up at night, stuck in my head.

Dani: As a child of the 80’s, the “look away” lyrics just give me nasty Chicago 19 flashbacks.

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Breaking Dawn Chapter 08 – Nopesville, pop. 4 Snark Ladies

by Catherine January 16, 2017 Books
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Lucky, lucky me. We change to Jacob’s perspective for the middle chunk of the book. JOY.

Catherine: The only thing worse than Bella’s perspective is Jacob’s perspective. 

Annie: See, I’d completely forgotten about this in the book. And I got really excited when I saw the shift in perspectives. And then this chapter happened. Ha ha haaaaaa. Boy, was I stupid. I forgot that even though the perspective has changed, it’s still written by SMeyer.

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Eclipse Chapter 08 – Baby Love

by Kirsti July 16, 2016 Books
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Bella and Jacob end up on the beach again, and he asks if she thinks the Cullens will come get her. She says they won’t, but that they’ll be hella pissed when she goes back. He suggests not going back, and her only response is that Charlie would love that because he’s biased towards “my Quileute friends“. Uh. You mean Jacob? The rest tolerate you because of him, girl.

Annie: Actually, Charlie is biased towards anyone who isn’t the controlling, abusive, blood-thirsty boyfriend, but you tell yourself whatever makes you happier to stay in that relationship, Bells.

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Game of Thrones S05 E09 – Happy Hunger Games!

by DemocracyDiva November 13, 2015 Game of Thrones
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Diva: It’s snowing furiously over a camp. Zoom in on Melisandre, who looks a lot more frightened than her usual DGAF demon-birthing self. Suddenly tents start bursting into flames, many different ones at once. The camp explodes into chaos, and there’s a screaming horse on fire, just in case you weren’t absolutely sure you were watching Game of Thrones.

Marines: It’s too cold for boobs, I guess, so dying horse it is.

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Twilight Chapter 17 – It’s a penis metaphor.

by Marines October 21, 2015 Books
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I got the sparkling chapter and now the baseball chapter? Cool.

We start with Edward driving Bella back to her house but ruh-roh, Billy and Jacob Black are there. Edward is muttering things in a “low, harsh” voice so Bella knows trouble is brewing. Billy Black’s face is “impassive as STONE,” which is extra stupid because Stephenie not only uses that word way too much, she’s now using it for people who aren’t even vampires.

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Pretty Little Liars S05 E09 – Showdown at the eye doctor’s office

by Jessica October 12, 2015 Pretty Little Liars
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Marin Manor- Hanna’s room. Spencer and Emily are taking on our job momentarily and poking holes in Ali’s Noel-scares-Hanna’s-mom plan from last episode. Spencer’s particularly grumpy with her horse-kicked eye. (M: I’d be grumpy about everything with a horse-kicked-eye.) They all question Ali’s decision but she snaps at them that Noel is the one she can trust, since all they do is ignore her SOS calls and spy on her every move. She storms out to go call her dad.

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The OC S03 E18 – Hero complex

by Jessica September 28, 2015 Season 3
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We open on a video game match between the boys. Summer is bored, while Seth is certain that he doesn’t need to prep for his interview with Brown. Seeing as this is TV, and he’s one of the main characters, he’s probably right. New Girl (aka Sadie) comes in and challenges Seth to a video game off, which is CRAZY because she is a girl! But she does it anyway.

Ryan and Summer grab drinks in the other room and discuss how it’s totally not awkward that Ryan isn’t dating Marissa anymore.

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Pretty Little Liars S05 E01 – Extra-deranged.

by Marines April 9, 2015 Pretty Little Liars
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The happiest two seconds of the entire series happen when an EMT says Ezra’s pulse is getting weaker. The only one who is sad about this is Aria. Her friends hold her back and tell her she shouldn’t go with Ezra to the hospital because then the pesky cops will start asking her questions. Apparently, no one from the NYPD notices Aria hyperventilating after Ezra; they are busy questioning Noel Khan. Alison is on a fire escape, watching the ambulance ride by. A is– TRUE STORY– riding on the top of the ambulance like some kind of extra-deranged Spider-Man. I hate this show.

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Pretty Little Liars S04 E20 – Burn it!

by Jessica January 23, 2015 Pretty Little Liars
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We open on Spencer, who has fallen asleep at Ezra’s desk, and is drooling all over the Ali Diary. Ezra walks in, wakes her up and asks what she’s doing. She’s confused, just as anyone would be to realize that they’re in their pajamas, at school, and this is not an actual dream. She tries to leave but he creepy stops her and tells her the path she’s on is dangerous, then the bell rings and she uses it to make a break for it. Ezra creepy stares after her. But I guess he’s used to people fleeing his dead-eyed stare.

SHHHHH.

Coma-makeup!Spencer is changing in the girl’s bathroom.

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Dawson’s Creek S03 E05 – Endless dealbreakers

by Kirsti December 18, 2014 Dawson's Creek
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Shrine o’ Spielberg. Due to their sad tragic single status and the fact that it’s apparently a million degrees, movie night’s list of attendees has been reduced to Dawson and Pacey. It may also have something to do with how much they’re sweating. Seriously, it’s gross:

Democracy Diva: For real. They don’t even look like they’re sweating – they just look like they’re covered in baby oil.

K: YES. Which, to be honest, they probably were.

Pacey bemoans the state of their lives, and also how much Indian summer sucks, thereby earning himself a shiny gold star.

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Pretty Little Liars S04 E17 – Tooth trauma

by Jessica December 5, 2014 Pretty Little Liars
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Aria and Emily are walking together at night, talking about the movie they just saw (and a really annoying person who kept talking during it– for whom a special level of hell exists).

Aria brings up Spencer, and things get awkward. Aria says that Spencer was trying to protect her (by stalking her), but Emily said she was just being controlling. Emily’s annoyed and believes they’ll never hear from Ali again. Somehow, I find that doubtful.

Marines: It’s cruel to suggest that could happen, show.

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Veronica Mars S02 E21 – Magical law breaking

by DemocracyDiva November 25, 2014 Season 2
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We begin in court, with Aaron Echolls’s testimony, which of course references his career highlight of being Sexiest Man Alive. Whatever, dude – we all know that the real sexiest men alive refuse that honor repeatedly because they’re too serious for that shit. (I’m talking about you, Ryan Gosling.) Aaron begs for sympathy by bullshitting about how hard it is for men to age in the film industry. Hilarious, when films constantly pair twenty-something year old women with fifty-year-old love interests and no one bats an eye. But Aaron pretends that men don’t get better roles as they age, because that makes all the idiots in this courtroom feel for him. Anyway, that’s when Lilly entered his life and started worshipping him. He gives the Bill Clinton “I did not have sexual relations with that woman” defense.

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How to Get Away with Murder S01 E08 – Bullshit.

by Sweeney November 17, 2014 How to Get Away With Murder
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This episode doesn’t begin with the improbable bonfire which by itself bums me out for the loss of the familiar. Even worse, it starts with people poking at Lila’s mottled corpse. So. Cool. We jump back 6 months earlier to June 2014 when Lila was still alive. She’s hanging out with Rebecca and speculating about whether her vagina’s going to be all, “Nope, access denied!” because she waited too long to have sex. It’s kind of adorable because while that’s total bullshit, this conversation is also so completely plausible. Rebecca wonders if the sex talk means that Griffin’s given up on that virginity pact and Lila confesses that she met someone whose identity she can’t reveal because, “He has a wife.” It pleases me to no end when the stars are earned by the people the episode is truly about.

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Pretty Little Liars S04 E12 – Je ne comprends pas.

by Marines November 7, 2014 Pretty Little Liars
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The Liars are gathered in the Hastings House watching the news coverage on the eye witness that has come forward in Wilden’s case. The doorbell rings and Spencer goes to answer it while the remaining girls exposit that Travis is the cute eye witness. Hanna is legit worried that he might withdraw his testimony and Aria offers, “he’s quite the dancer.

Sweeney: Aria, that is relevant to nothing at all. Your inability to differentiate the pertinence of information is part of why you never definitively solve anything ever.

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