snark squad | where nostalgia comes to die

racism sighting

Believe it or not, the things we were reading as children were not that diverse. Thankfully for you, we’re on top of any and all examples of racism.

Designated Survivor S01 E02 – Stop picking on glasses, dammit.

by Marines October 6, 2016 Designated Survivor
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Hokay. So this episode starts out at the bombing site, still the night of. The head FBI guy, Atwood, tells Maggie Q to look into all the usual suspects and to heighten security. I’m taking a moment to tell you that the playback on the ABC website is shitty, and makes rewatching this episode difficult. Get it together, ABC.

Marines: They also play like 27 years worth of commercials. Get it together, THIS IS THE INTERNET.

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BrainDead S01 E04 – Liberal Tourette’s

by Dani Denatti August 23, 2016 BrainDead
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We begin with the best previously song yet:

“Have you no sense of decency? My God, you monsters… not the cat!”

Marines: This song is basically doing our job for us.

Dani: (Shhhh…)

The action starts in an apartment building where a woman named Jules (Natalie Gold) meets her next-door neighbor, Noah (Michael Esper), for the first time.

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Eclipse Chapter 17 – Poor sport

by Marines August 10, 2016 Books
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As Bella walks the plank that will lead her to a UGH, OH MY GOD, CAN YOU BELIEVE IT? party, Edward sneaks up behind her and pulls her into a kiss. Bella tells us there is too much “tension edge” and “lip crush” to the kiss, which has her worried. Because Edward only kisses her to manipulate her, prove a point, or when he’s secretly trying to say goodbye.

Annie: Again, why the fuck are they together? There is no real passion here, unless you count the passion for murdering her, so what the fuck.

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Eclipse Chapter 11 – Racially Uncomfortable

by Catherine July 25, 2016 Books
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So after Bella was handed off for partial custody from vampire to werewolf last chapter, she starts this chapter at a bonfire with all of the werewolves.

They’re eating hotdogs and talking.

Kirsti: More accurately, they’re eating hot dogs that were cooked on wire hangers. I’m still not sure why that level of detail was necessary.

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Eclipse Chapter 10 – Cats will eat you.

by Annie July 19, 2016 Books
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I’m trying very hard to ignore the fact that the name of this chapter is “Scent.”

The chapter opens with Bella wondering why they’re all so immature. Me, too, Bell-Bells.

Edward tells Bella that he doesn’t feel any personal antagonism towards Jacob.

LOLOLOL. Okay. Sure.

Catherine: LOL. Yeah right, Edward. It’s all just professional anger and not at all about the girl you’re fighting over. 

Kirsti: “I wish he’d die in a fire, but it’s nothing personal!”

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Eclipse Chapter 04 – I miss Angelus

by Kirsti July 7, 2016 Books
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This chapter starts off amazingly well: “I was having a bad week.” Bella, girl. You’re having a bad LIFE. But guess what, y’all? Her bad week has very little to do with the fact that Victoria’s back and everything to do with the fact that no one will turn her into a vampire several weeks ahead of schedule. She argues that being a weak little human person is a terrible idea with Victoria around, but the Cullen-Hales point out that there are seven of them versus one of Victoria and for some inexplicable reason, they all want Bella to stay safe.

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Eclipse Chapter 03 – Vampiraptor!

by Catherine July 6, 2016 Books
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So every chapter of this book is roughly 30 pages long so far. I want you to really think about that, friends. 30 pages. There are chapters in War and Peace that are shorter than that.

Anyway! This endless nonsense begins with Edward and Bella getting back to Forks from their trip to Florida. Now, I know what you’re thinking. Edward and Bella went all the way to Florida on a trip that probably lasted days and Meyer had the restraint to leave it out!?

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New Moon Chapter 23 – A kind of toilet

by Catherine April 5, 2016 Books
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Bella wakes up again. At the beginning of every chapter she must wake up. It is the prophecy.

She immediately remembers she had a bad dream that was also a thing that actually happened to her and takes like, 3 paragraphs to remind us of this thing that just happened to her. 700% of this book is just Bella rehashing things that we already had to suffer through once. In another life, we Snark Ladies must have sinned terribly.

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New Moon Chapter 17 – She’s a brick house.

by Marines March 23, 2016 Books
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We’ve fallen off pace a bit here, and it’s my fault. Time is so hard, you guys.

Catherine: SO hard. It went forward like, an hour the other day and we can’t be blamed for that. So…

Kirsti: I would say that I stole it, but Australia is on daylight saving for another 2 weeks, so it definitely wasn’t me.

Mari: Bella finds Alice in her house, waiting “perfectly motionless in the center of the hall.” So, in addition to breaking and entering, Alice is just standing there. Still. Unmoving. Waiting.

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New Moon Chapter 15 – We’re in New Moon Country now.

by Catherine March 19, 2016 Books
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We open yet another chapter with Bella waking up in the morning. I know Meyer didn’t actually invent that shitty writing shortcut or anything, and it’s possible she didn’t even notice she was doing it so often, but does she not understand how fucking annoying it is to read? EVERY CHAPTER Bella is waking up for the morning and EVERY CHAPTER she goes to bed at the end. And it’s not like this is an intentional motif or anything.

I’m not even sure this complaint is making sense. This book is sapping my will to make sense.

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New Moon Chapter 14 – Just wolf things.

by Annie March 17, 2016 New Moon
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This chapter opens feeling strangely familiar, with Bella clinging to some guy in a forest while a group of potential predators are approaching. Instead of big bad vampires, it’s big, bad, half-naked boys. The boys are moving in sync, because that’s apparently what werewolves do?

Kirsti: Meanwhile, all I could think of that episode of Buffy in season 3 Willow said something about how the towels were for privacy because she and Oz were still getting used to half-nakedness, and Xander freaked a little and went “Half?! Which half??” It’s much funnier if they have shirts on and no pants.

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New Moon Chapter 13 – Bella. Honey.

by Marines March 16, 2016 Books
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Surprising no one, Bella decides to go confront the werewolf. She clarifies that she doesn’t condone what the wolves are doing and it’s real cute coming from vampires’ #1 fan. She spends the first page explaining her reasoning to us, again proving that Stephenie Meyer knew she was writing Bella as an insanely nonsensical character and felt the need to over-explain. Okay, Bella. We get it. You can’t be friends with the killer werewolf but you have to go warn the killer werewolf.

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New Moon Chapter 11 – A hole full of hurt.

by Catherine March 14, 2016 Books
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Bella opens up this chapter by telling us that she’s surprised she’s still alive. It’s been 3 chapters since my last chapter so I can’t remember why she’s almost dying this time. Is it still because her boyfriend broke up with her or because her emotional crutch did? Let’s read on and see.

Oh! It’s because she keeps expecting Victoria to kill her in her sleep. Good for her. That’s a legit reason to be surprised by your life.

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New Moon Chapter 04 – How do you still have friends?

by Kirsti March 4, 2016 Books
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Lucky me, I get the aftermath of the breakup! -_-

Marines: Bad news for us all: the aftermath of the breakup is basically the entire rest of this book.

K: Hooray.

In typical SMeyer fashion, we can’t just read about time passing. No, no. We have to do it in the most dramatic style possible: four pages, each with a month written in the middle of it. Because, like, Bella has zero life without Edward. Geddit?

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Jessica Jones S01 E03 – Scary Tennant

by Stephanie January 25, 2016 Jessica Jones
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We open with the wonderful credits which go on for a half hour because I’m still watching them over and over. (Ha ha. JK. That would be weird…)

Credits over, the scene picks up where we left off last time. Jessica is still feeling up Luke’s unbreakable pecs and abs, but this time, in a more sexual manner. She tears off his shirt (M: how is he even getting home now JESSICA) and they start aggressively making out. The pants are quickly unzipped and they have super powered sex against a wall.

Sadly, they’re interrupted when the male half of the Creepy Twins peeks in. Jess slams the door in his face.

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