snark squad | where nostalgia comes to die

sandy cohen eyebrow scale of non-negligent parenting

We were so surprised to encounter actual good parenting when we covered The OC pilot that a whole scale, inspired by none other than Sandy Cohen and his magnificent eyebrows, was born. All other parents can be compared to Sandy Cohen, using full eyebrows, half eyebrows or even negative eyebrows.

It’s a very scientific scale, we swear.

The OC S04 E09 – Are you my daddy?

by Marines August 16, 2016 Season 4
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Summer is in bed staring at her ugly engagement ring. Taylor walks in, asking for help with her resolutions. So far she’s got “get a job and stop mooching off of other people’s families” and “take calcium supplements.” That’s basically it.

Samantha: Taylor, if you’re gonna take calcium you might as well take iron, too. Get a well rounded supplement system going. 

Mari: After a beat, Summer suggests she add one more thing: plan Summer’s wedding.

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The OC S04 E04 – Suck it, Starlord

by Reem July 7, 2016 Season 4
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Hello! I am so very excited and honored to be writing for Snark Squad! Seriously thank you, Mari for letting me do this. And now I am so sorry for the endless parade of stupid you’re all about to read. Blame it on my youth y’all! Also blame it on the fact that I have never seen the OC ever in my life. When the OC was in its prime, I was still singing along happily to Hannah Montana. (M: That makes me feel a wee bit old, in that strange, almost 30 kind of way…)(R: You’re not old! I’m young!) On with the recap!

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The OC S04 E03 – Crazy Eyebrow Man to the Rescue!

by Katie June 4, 2016 Season 4
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Orange County is pretty! That’s how we open before settling in on the Cohen home, where Kirsten exposits that Ryan hasn’t spoken to them in days. Sandy says he’s not worried about Ryan not talking to the two of them, but he is concerned that Ryan’s still ignoring Seth.

Meanwhile, Ryan’s on the phone with Julie, who’s pouting about Sandy and Kirsten uninviting her from Thanksgiving. Kirsten and Sandy are discussing this as well, and Sandy says sending their kids on a murder mission knocks you off the guest list.

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The OC S03 E25 – Accidental

by Marines March 7, 2016 Season 3
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Ryan broodily channel surfs. Kirsten sadly folds laundry. It’s a difficult day at the Cohen house.

Kirsten hears a door. Seth goes directly to the pool house and Sandy meets Kirsten in the main house. We cut between Seth and Sandy telling the story that Seth denied all fire-setting charges. Sandy isn’t sure he believes that, especially since he saw the confession napkin. Seth tells Ryan that it was totally a mistake. Ryan tells him to tell The Eyebrows the truth, but lol, no. Meanwhile, the Cohen parents worry about what would happen if they accuse Seth of lying and he isn’t.

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The OC S03 E18 – Hero complex

by Jessica September 28, 2015 Season 3
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We open on a video game match between the boys. Summer is bored, while Seth is certain that he doesn’t need to prep for his interview with Brown. Seeing as this is TV, and he’s one of the main characters, he’s probably right. New Girl (aka Sadie) comes in and challenges Seth to a video game off, which is CRAZY because she is a girl! But she does it anyway.

Ryan and Summer grab drinks in the other room and discuss how it’s totally not awkward that Ryan isn’t dating Marissa anymore.

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The OC S03 E10 – Convoluted fundraising

by Alex June 25, 2015 Season 3
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I should confess right now that I haven’t been keeping up with the OC recaps at all, so I have absolutely no idea what’s happening on the show at the moment. I thought I had watched all of Season 3 when it first aired, but there were people in the previouslies that I didn’t recognise at all, so I’m going to have to just wing it.

From the title I know that this is a Chrismukkah episode, but we open with a bunch of shots of a very sunny OC which just seems wrong to me, typing this just after Christmas while wrapped in a blanket watching the snow fall outside.

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Segue Magic: Favorite Fictional Fathers

by Marines June 22, 2015 Segue Magic
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Do you see us being all timely with these topics? Check out last week’s Segue Magic, in which we discussed or favorite (and a few least favorite) fictional fathers:

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Game of Thrones S05 E04 – Bring back Gendry.

by DemocracyDiva June 6, 2015 Game of Thrones
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The previouslies take us all the way back to Season 1, with King Robert asking Ned why he had to bury his sister/Robert’s betrothed Lyanna in Winterfell and placing a feather in Lyanna’s statue’s hands. We see Littlefinger telling Sansa about her worst marriage prospect yet (M: We remember this part, show.) (S: But would it really be Game of Thrones without a little twisting of the knife?), the Margaery vs. Cersei battle for Tommen’s affections, Loras being gay and beautiful (M: We remember this part for sure.), Cersei teaming up with the High Sparrow, Ellaria Sand trying to convince the Dornish Prince Doran to avenge his brother Oberyn, the Sons of the Harpy murdering everyone in Meereen, and oh yeah, Ser Jorah kidnapped Tyrion and is taking him to “the queen.” Ah, but which queen?

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Segue Magic: Best Fictional Moms

by Marines May 11, 2015 Segue Magic
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Happy (belated) Mother’s Day, Traumateers.

We celebrated by being super proud of ourselves for actually being timely with one of these topics:

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The OC S03 E05 – Sidekick Magic

by purekatherine April 27, 2015 Season 3
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I really wanted to pretend that I have totally been keeping up with the show since recapping The Telanovela, but there is literally nothing happening before my mind is already blown. It wasn’t THAT long ago that Kirsten was bragging about her specialty of taking food out of take out containers and now she’s apparently cooked a full gourmet breakfast!? Was the drinking really that bad?

Wait, Seth and Ryan are looking very confused by this exuberant breakfast before school (they’re all still so awake in the morning, it’s weird) so it must not be a regular thing. In typical teenage-boy fashion, they just want their cereal and bagels.

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The OC S03 E03 – The Eyebrows Can Only Take So Much

by Katie April 2, 2015 Season 3
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The Core Four are sitting in the diner, with Summer lamenting Ryan and Marissa’s expulsions from Harbor. Ryan and Marissa try to tell her it won’t be that bad, but Summer says it will be for Seth, seeing how before Ryan, he was bullied by people who called him “Death Breath Seth,” and Marissa’s like, uh, YOU called him that. Summer ignores that and says this was supposed to be the best year ever. All Ryan and Marissa want is to go back to school, but Summer tells them it’ll be okay as long as they stick together.

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The OC S03 E02 – Pancakes with extra butter and a side of NOPE

by Annie March 16, 2015 Season 3
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We start in the Cohen kitchen, where it looks like rabid raccoons have just finished having a banquet. Haha, nope. The kitchen is filthy because the lady of the house has been away, and we all know only women know how to keep a kitchen clean. (M: It’s coded in that extra X chromosome. #science)

Sandy Eyebrows Cohen is expressing how important it is for them all to still eat together as a family because it’s a special day for Seth and Ryan; the first day of their senior year.

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The OC S02 E24 – Mmm whatcha say?

by Jessica March 9, 2015 Season 2
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rom the previouslies, I can see that shit is going DOWN here at the O.C. Everyone is varying degrees of upset and angry and there was even a dramatic pool dive. And now it’s finale time.

Sandy talks to someone on the phone while looking over brochures for a swanky rehab place. He says he’ll meet them soon, right after this funeral he has to attend, which I take is that of Caleb. Ah Caleb, we knew ye too well to mourn ye.

Seth walks somberly downstairs and greets Kirsten. They make awkward small talk about Caleb that isn’t entirely true. Seth is looking for a cell phone charger and goes into Sandy’s office and rifles through drawers to find one.

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Dawson’s Creek S03 E10 – Needs more Pacey. REALLY.

by DemocracyDiva February 23, 2015 Dawson's Creek
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Shrine O’Spielberg. Dawson is watching his Really Dumb Witch Island Movie. Joey climbs in the window just to make us all aggravated when the episode has barely begun. Dawson is nervous about an upcoming screening of his Laughably Terrible Witch Island Movie, but Joey reassures him that it’s great and will help him make his dreams come true or some bullshit like that. (K: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH. Sure it will, Joey. Sure it will.)

Joey also helpfully exposits that she has a contrivance college tour this weekend where she’s staying with a random student.

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Dawson’s Creek S03 E08 – Schmaltzy meh

by DemocracyDiva February 2, 2015 Dawson's Creek
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Jen and Pacey are having a domestic moment, grocery shopping and arguing about what to cook for Thanksgiving at Grams’s, which is conveniently ruining their sex-buddies situation. Pacey blames Jen for the fact that this situation has not actually happened yet, and she just kinda laughs at his foreplay, which, RUDE. Then Jen comes up with the brilliant idea to do it immediately before/during/after the Grams Turkey Day God Fest ’99.

Pacey says, uh, kinda have to spend the holiday with own my terrible family at some point. (K: I don’t even want to think about how horrible a Witter family Thanksgiving would be…) (D: I’m thankful we were spared a scene at the Witter house.) 

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