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Breaking Dawn Chapter 03 – Fucking snowflakes

by Catherine January 4, 2017 Books
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So, Bella wakes up from another of her dumb psychic nightmares that are never explained and she’s immediately pissed at herself for having such a disturbing dream the night before her wedding. Um, okay.

Annie: If I was marrying Edward, I’d be having nightmares, too.

Catherine: Fair.

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After Chapter 15 – D stands for…

by Marines November 29, 2016 After
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So, for reasons that are beyond you, me, and every thinking person, Tessa is going to another party. This time, she’s almost forced to wear some tight jeans because after one week at school, she has to do so much laundry, she doesn’t have many other options. Sure, Tessa. I’m sure. Also, she pairs her tight jeans with a button up shirt, but it’s black and sleeveless and has some lace on the shoulder and we all know lace is code for sin. We get confirmation of this when Stephanie says she actually likes Tessa’s outfit today. She offers Tessa some eyeliner again, but Tessa passes, remembering how it got all smeared by her tears the last time.

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BrainDead S01 E06 – Screw Those Screwworms

by Dani Denatti August 31, 2016 BrainDead
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I was pretty excited about this episode, because Aaron Tveit and Mary Elizabeth Winstead have been tweeting for weeks about filming a scene with “inappropriate salami.” MEW called it the weirdest scene of her career, and that’s saying a lot for someone who’s been in The Ring Two, Final Destination 3, and Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter.

Marines: AND PASSIONS. THE WEIRDEST SOAP OPERA EVER.

Dani: We begin with the obligatory “Previously on BrainDead” song, and I know I won’t shut up about them, but they really are the best thing ever.

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Supergirl S01 E15 – Cute little robot guy.

by Samantha August 2, 2016 Season 1
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We open this episode in the Phantom Zone, 13 years ago. Child Kara is sleeping in her pod when it starts to shake and jerk around. Child Kara makes some interesting acting choices and it passes through a space arch metal thing. I think it’s supposed to be ominous. Also, Kara was asleep for the entirety of her stay in the pod right? Since it was years?

Catherine: I guess not? She was supposed to be in stasis. I guess it’s like that thing where you wake up but realize you still have a couple more hours to sleep and roll over in your spaceship. 

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Eclipse Chapter 06 – Angry whispers in the night.

by Annie July 11, 2016 Books
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Bella is driving home, paying little attention to the drive, but instead, thinking all about her visit with Jacob, when she spots Edward’s Volvo (M: Sparkle) in her rearview mirror. Edward is following way too closely behind her. That sounds super safe. Bella seems worried about how much trouble she’s going to be in, which is not a thing that should be happening, as Bella is an adult and Edward is her boyfriend. Not her parent.

Bella drives straight to Angela’s house, calling herself a chicken. Yeah, Bella. You’re scared to be alone with your boyfriend. You’re such a big chicken!

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Eclipse Chapter 01 – Hell.

by Marines July 4, 2016 Books
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Hello! Welcome back. As ever, we are so happy to have you here and so not looking forward to the thing we voluntarily put ourselves through. The Internet is a strange place, my friends.

We start with the dedication:

Snort laugh when you see it.

Kirsti: I’m sure her kids are THRILLED to be included in the same dedication as… that.

Catherine: More evidence that Meyer doesn’t know what words mean. 

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Supernatural S05 E19 – Those beautiful wings.

by Samantha May 18, 2016 Season 5
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This episode, a random favorite of mine, opens at a run down vacant motel in Indiana. A sheriff looking fella walks inside and starts looking around. We see that the name of the hotel is the Elysium Fields and the Greek Mythology nerd inside of me has a field (har har) day. We also see a flower pot bloom into life. The flowers look vaguely lotus-y if you put your imagination to it. There’s lots of noises and camera angles to indicate that this motel is not quite as abandoned as it appears. Sure enough, the sheriff guy turns around to find an immaculate looking bellhop standing there. He tries to tell the bellhop that he isn’t allowed to be here, but Bellhop just rambles about how he has to get everything ready because they are all coming. He then tells the sherif cop guy that he’s dinner and murders the fuck out of him.

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Supergirl S01 E13 – Tentacle Cupcakes

by Catherine April 29, 2016 Season 1
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Okay so we’re wayyyyyy behind on these recaps and it’s 1000 percent my fault. My bffs are gonna come in here now and insist that they had a hand in stalling. (M: I had a hand in stalling!) (S: Me too!) (C: Don’t listen! It was all me because busy and also blah.)

Luckily, there’s a previously to remind us what happened. Winn kissed Kara, Kara’s parents died, aliens attacked Maxwell Carlisle’s adult video store and comic book emporium. (S: Lolol.)

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New Moon Chapter 17 – She’s a brick house.

by Marines March 23, 2016 Books
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We’ve fallen off pace a bit here, and it’s my fault. Time is so hard, you guys.

Catherine: SO hard. It went forward like, an hour the other day and we can’t be blamed for that. So…

Kirsti: I would say that I stole it, but Australia is on daylight saving for another 2 weeks, so it definitely wasn’t me.

Mari: Bella finds Alice in her house, waiting “perfectly motionless in the center of the hall.” So, in addition to breaking and entering, Alice is just standing there. Still. Unmoving. Waiting.

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New Moon Chapter 16 – Death-ception

by Kirsti March 22, 2016 Books
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Just as Bella thinks she’s about to drown, her head breaks the surface. BOOOOOOOOOOO. The waves slam her up against some rocks, which doesn’t, like, hurt her or cut her in any way. No, no, friends. The rocks basically perform CPR on her, ensuring that all the water in her lungs gets spewed back out. What the shit, Meyer.

An anxious voice orders her to breathe, and Bella gets super sad when she realises that it’s Jacob and not Edward.

Marines: Jacob is telling her to breathe but because it’s Jacob and not Edward, “I could not obey.” 

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New Moon Chapter 03 – Break-Up Coma

by Marines March 3, 2016 Books
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Gosh, I just can’t seem to remember if anything important or significant happens in this chapter.

Annie: Does anything important or significant ever happen in SMeyer’s books until she remembers that they should have a plot in Chapter 22? My prediction is no.

Catherine: I guess we’ll have to read on and see.

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Charmed S02 E22 – I wish you would stop.

by Marines March 2, 2016 Charmed
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[…]

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New Moon Chapter 01 – Paper – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – Cut

by Marines March 1, 2016 Books
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And we’re back! I added a little exclamation point to feign some excitement about reading this again. I am happy you are here, though. Welcome! (Note: Genuine exclamation point that time.)

Say hello, ladies:

Kirsti: HELLO FRIENDS. Fun fact: when I first typed that, I wrote “HELL FRIENDS”, and that accurately depicts what reading and recapping this book is like: you’re in hell, but at least you have friends to complain to about how godawful it is.

Catherine: Hi! I’m glad to see you all again although I wish it was under better circumstances. We really must meet at a happier occasion sometime. Like a funeral or a Mary Kay party.

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The OC S03 E24 – Hugs (and Punches), Not Drugs

by Chelsea February 22, 2016 Season 3
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Hello, Snark Squadders near and far! My name is Chelsea and I am unicorn-and-wizard staves over the moon to be writing for the venerable establishment that is Snark Squad! The ladies have let me come to you today to recap season three, episode twenty-four. But let’s not get ahead of ourselves… My love for The O.C. started when I found out that Adam Brody was the epitome of my adolescent sexual fantasies, and ended when Marissa tried to kind of sort of be a lesbian? Either way, it’s been a while!

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Supergirl S01 E06 – Angry anger

by Samantha December 9, 2015 Season 1
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Okay so the episode starts with Kara flying over the city. Alex beeps in to ask if everything is okay since usually flying = cheesy battles. But no, this time Kara is just flying to clear her head. But, of course, duty calls and Kara hears some trouble a brewing.

Marines: I don’t want to start every episode with Supergirl flying and making some statement that then gets immediately negated. I DON’T WANNA.

Samantha: We cut to the spin off Fast and Furious show that Vin Diesel has been talking about and I get excited! Two guys are yelling at each other and banging their cars together. It’s Fast and Furious: Road Rage, y’all. Of course they’re doing this in a school zone and almost super murder a bunch of little kids crossing the street.

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