snark squad | where nostalgia comes to die

sorry I have to shave my hands

“I have to shave my hands” was added to the arsenal of Snark Lady excuses thanks to RL Stine and that instant classic, My Hairiest Adventure. Larry, the protagonist, rubs a creamy, white substance all over his body and starts to grow thick patches of hair. These two things are unrelated, as (spoiler alert!) Larry turns out to be a dog. Mid-thick-hair-growing, Larry has to run out on band practice to shave his hands and that was our light bulb moment.

Using this as an excuse has the added bonus of scaring people out of ever inviting you anywhere else again. It’s kind of like saying “Hi, I never want to spend time with you” while giving the person the feeling that they are the ones making that choice. It’s the polite thing to do.

Pretty Little Liars S05 E16 – Sorry, I’m in an air duct.

by Jessica April 27, 2017 Pretty Little Liars
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Welcome back to Rosewood everyone! The previouslies remind us that Holbrook is helping Ali, some rando named Johnny is staying in Spencer’s guest house, Hanna’s mom hooked up with Jason, Spencer and Toby are not on the same evidence page, and Annoying Aria wrote a fake admissions letter to trick her sleazy boyfriend’s ex into getting her into college. Honestly, the previouslies were packed with lots of stuff, which is weird because I don’t remember lots of stuff happening on this show, so we’ll figure it out as we go, okay?

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Gilmore Girls S01 E03 – It’s never just golf.

by Samantha December 5, 2016 Gilmore Girls
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Okay, so lets get this third episode party started! I’m your host, Samantha “Bubbles” Spice, and am an already avid GG junkie. Let’s have some fun!

We kick things off at a Friday Night Dinner. Emily and Richard are listing off the various cooks they’ve had since Heidi, the last one that Lorelai remembers hearing about. Richard mixes up a cook named Anton and one named Sophia, which Lorelai can’t let go because “one is a man and one is a woman.” Maybe they don’t identify that way Lorelai, you don’t know.

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After Chapter 04 – Khaki is for virgins.

by Samantha October 11, 2016 After
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Okay guys. Here it is. The recap where we will finally find out what happens when Tessa finds a boy in her room.

Marines: Don’t forget she’s in a towel! The suspense is killing approximately no one.

Samantha: She asks the brown haired rude boy where Steph is. Her voice comes out in a squeak so maybe she swallowed a mouse in the heathen shower. The boy kind of half smirks at her but doesn’t answer her legit question. I hate him already you guys.

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The OC S04 E10 – Endearing but WHAT EVEN?

by Marines August 22, 2016 Season 4
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Taylor visits Ryan during his break because she has the perfect Valentine’s Day present for him, even though Valentine’s Day is weeks away. Her perfect present? A scrapbook, complete with signed letter for her divorce lawyer, sneaky pictures she took of Ryan on her camera phone and their hospital bracelets from that one time they were in a joint coma. Ryan just makes some really uncomfortable noises.

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Game of Thrones S03 E03 – Big mistake. HUGE.

by Catherine May 17, 2016 Game of Thrones
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The previouslies for this episode take us way back to last season when that one prostitute killed that Unsullied dude, Sam and Gilly left, and Sansa learned all about Lyanna Stark. Also, other stuff that happened last episode, I think. I’m not sure. It’s been 6 seasons, and it’s all really starting to blend together.

Anyway! The credits that I’ve never had to pay this close of attention to before take us to King’s Landing, Pyke, Poor Winterfaux with it’s little flayed man symbol, The Wall and across the narrow sea to Dothraki territory and Meereen.

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Supergirl S01 E12 – I doomed the ship.

by Samantha March 9, 2016 Season 1
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This episode begins Three Months Ago at Lord Technologies. Carlisle Lord enters his creepy room where he’s creepily keeping the Jane Doe. A doctor is looking her over and Carlisle Maxwell strokes her hair, like a creep. Did you know that I find this creepy? (M: Only because I’m good at subtext.) He hits a button and black liquid flows through her IV, while anxious espionage music plays. She starts coughing and seizing and then her eyes open, black, as we’ve seen them before.  Then Maxwell Carlisle does the “She’s alive!” Dr. Frankenstein bit.

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Supergirl S01 E03 – Nonsense reasons.

by Samantha November 17, 2015 Season 1
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So we open with this thing that’s just like The Flash where Kara kind of tells the viewer who she is and what her deal is. Except that it’s not as charming/hokey as when Grant Gustin does it and I don’t know why. I really want to like this, I swear I’m trying.

Catherine: You shouldn’t have to, though, really.

Samantha: Anyway, someone must have heard me last post because the episode opens where it left off: with the interview between Cat and Supergirl.

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Supergirl S01 E01 – A whole lot of episode.

by Catherine October 30, 2015 Season 1
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You may remember in early September that we did a little poll to pick a new Fall 2015 show to review. Lots of you guys voted for Supergirl and it won, you may also remember. (S: Thank god it wasn’t Scream Queens, thank god it wasn’t Scream Queens.) (M: It can’t be as bad as Gotham, it can’t be as bad as Gotham.) (C: Not a high bar, you guys.)

You may not remember much else but that’s okay, because I’m here to help.

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The OC S02 E18 – WE WANT SHOW TUNES.

by Marines February 2, 2015 Season 2
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Trey apparently learned how to make breakfast in jail, so he’s doing that now. He may be new to the Cohen household, but he must already know that every episode starts with breakfast. (S: Key part of his rehabilitation. Delicious breakfast foods are the best way to start a crime-free day.) Ryan comes into the kitchen, quickly followed by Seth and then Sandy. Kirsten shows up long enough to pick up a phone call from Julie and leaves again. Seth helpfully explains to Trey that Julie is Marissa’s mom. “So, Ryan’s mother-in-law?” Trey quips. Sandy is surprised that they are back on again and that he’s the last to know. Ryan insists that nothing is going on for about one second, but then crumbles under the power of Sandy’s eyebrows (I guess).

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Charmed S02 E06 – Second hand embarrassment

by Marines January 7, 2015 Charmed
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We start in nature with two guys who clearly want to be bear-mauled. By that I mostly mean that they are in nature and seeking out a particular cave. Their faces are really dirty and I don’t know why. I guess they rolled most of the way here? Hesitant Dirty Face thinks the cave looks small for a mine shaft, but Stupid Dirty Face is all, “s’whatever. Let’s go in.”

Inside the cave/shaft, they quickly come upon “get the hell out of there” things like cob webs, a skeleton and bats. (S: They’re like, “Oh hey, look, a skeleton.” Totally normal for those to be lying around near cave entrances.) Stupid Dirty Face thinks this is all great and believes the gold they are looking for is in or behind a wall with ominous red markings. He starts chipping at the wall (?) and very soon, smoke pours out of a crack.

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The OC S02 E13 – Shower more frequently.

by Samantha December 15, 2014 Season 2
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Hello fellow Traumateers! It gives me the absolute wiggins to get to do an OC post for Snark Squad because I love both so much. And someday, at a Snark Squad convention with plenty of wine, I will share my embarrassing 13 year old fangirl stories with you all. (M: Um, I cannot wait.) (S: Cosign. You’re off to a great start.) But for now, lets start the episode!

We open with some previouslies, that are mostly a lot of uncomfortable conversations and moments (Seth, no! Sandy, no!). This drops us off at the best part of any episode, the morning breakfast scene! Ryan walks into the house to find Seth on the couch in a Robe Cocoon of Sadness. Seth admits that he has been up all night watching movies. “What’s the plural of Matrix?” he asks.

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Pretty Little Liars S04 E18 – Dramatic Chickpea Reveal

by Marines December 12, 2014 Pretty Little Liars
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Alison is in a phone booth saying very vague things that are both boring and difficult to recap. We cut to Rosewood’s One Coffee Shop, where Shana is in a little… phone booth closet? For using cell phones? (S: This is both absurd and exactly the sort of hipster retro bullshit I could see being a real and actual thing at a place like One Coffee Shop.) She watches all the Liars arrive and tells Alison as much. Alison asks Shana for assurance that she can get “it,” but Shana has to go because the Liars all turn toward her and are just going to stand there at stare at her, I guess. Spencer asks if they can trust her now and Emily uses the non-human logic that if Ali trusts Shana they should too. That’s cool except for the part where Ali is certifiable. BUT OKAY.

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Dawson’s Creek S03 E03 – Cheating won’t get you a 1430

by Kirsti December 4, 2014 Dawson's Creek
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Shrine o’ Spielberg. Dawson’s plans for a get-to-know-you movie night with Eve have gone awry because a) she prefers TV and b) she’s taken over said TV and is making him watch Felicity. I laugh for approximately a hundred years over his “HOW CAN YOU PREFER TV?!?!?!” reaction. She says TV is the same thing but “shorter and with built in bathroom breaks” and she’s not at all wrong. Dawson scoffs some more, particularly when she says it’s like getting a new sequel every week, because “Sequels I hate on principle“. Ugh. Go fuck yourself, Dawson Leery. I’ll just be over here with Captain America: The Winter Soldier, shitting all over your arguments.

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Pretty Little Liars S04 E16 – Best of Both Worlds

by Sweeney November 25, 2014 Pretty Little Liars
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We begin exactly where the last episode ends. Given that no episode seems to span more than one or two endless days, the trend toward running episodes one into the next like this only contributes to the overall meaningless of time in Rosewood. The Pretty Little Liars struggle with GPS and technology and stuff and try to make their way to the Busy Bee Inn, where Ali may or may not be hiding out.

Busy Bee Inn. The liars go into a room that appears to have broken into (shattered window) and which has been occupied by a female squatter who dresses kind of like Ali.

Marines: She picks up a single floral blouse. “Ali would wear this!” And so would a gabillion other girls and some boys, congrats.

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Dawson’s Creek S02 E20 – Feels for days and days and days

by DemocracyDiva October 31, 2014 Dawson's Creek
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Shrine O’Spielberg. The whole gang is there, hanging out together, and it makes me really happy. Until Dawson says the same thing, and then I get upset that me and Dawson had a mind-meld. (K: Legit.) Anyway, Pacey calls them a clique and they’re all, DUDE, NO. Jen helpfully informs the audience that she’s now living at the Leerys’ house, since Grams kicked her out. Pacey insists that they’re one step away from the Peach Pit. Then everyone attacks Pacey with pillows until SO MANY FEATHERS start flying all over the room.

Like, that is way too many feathers for any of these pillows to still appear intact, which they do. My headcanon says the ghost of Abby Morgan is hiding in the ceiling, dumping feathers on all these idiots.

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