snark squad | where nostalgia comes to die

Head Canon

Because of contrivance, bad writing, our quest for crossover magic, or perhaps even just good writing that involves stuff we don’t like/want, we often find ourselves adding/removing story elements. We try to be up front about this when it happens. We invite you to accept or reject our TOTALLY AMAZING head canon as you see fit.

After Chapter 31 – Don’t try this at home.

by Marines April 18, 2017 After
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Tessa tries to take a step back from Hardin, but “his grip is too strong.” We’re going to totally ignore her lack of bodily autonomy in this very moment because she’s so! shocked! and! over! whelmed! that Hardin just said he wants to be good. If it is THIS SHOCKING that someone has set the pretty mid-level bar of being good, perhaps don’t date that person. #SnarkLadyAdvice (S: #MaybeLiterallySavesLivesInThisCase.)

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Game of Thrones S06 E10 – I’m watching it burn.

by Catherine September 8, 2016 Game of Thrones
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It’s only been six weeks (at the time of writing this) between recaps, you guys. That’s like a hot second to Melisandre. And don’t pretend you didn’t need some time to digest this madness before digging in. Now that I’ve made myself feel less guilty for delaying this so long, let’s do this fucking finale.

Catherine: Ha! Smart. But honestly, we have so long until the next season starts that us delaying this long just means that you guys won’t have to wait that extra six weeks for season 7 posts to start? Maybe? 

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Eclipse Chapter 23 – Not far from violence.

by Catherine August 30, 2016 Books
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Oh wow. WOW. I guess I got this chapter. The Twilight gods have not smiled kindly on my today, friends. I see how it is. *sigh*

Marines: If you read that and are thinking, “why do they keep saying this? Why won’t they all accept there are no good chapters?” I can only say we are brave and endlessly hopeful in the face of adversity.

Annie: Each new chapter is just garbage in book form, each one worse than the last. I mean, it can’t possibly be worse than two boys fighting over her like Bella’s some sex companion to be won while she lays there, unconscious. Right?

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Eclipse Chapter 17 – Poor sport

by Marines August 10, 2016 Books
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As Bella walks the plank that will lead her to a UGH, OH MY GOD, CAN YOU BELIEVE IT? party, Edward sneaks up behind her and pulls her into a kiss. Bella tells us there is too much “tension edge” and “lip crush” to the kiss, which has her worried. Because Edward only kisses her to manipulate her, prove a point, or when he’s secretly trying to say goodbye.

Annie: Again, why the fuck are they together? There is no real passion here, unless you count the passion for murdering her, so what the fuck.

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Supernatural S05 E19 – Those beautiful wings.

by Samantha May 18, 2016 Season 5
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This episode, a random favorite of mine, opens at a run down vacant motel in Indiana. A sheriff looking fella walks inside and starts looking around. We see that the name of the hotel is the Elysium Fields and the Greek Mythology nerd inside of me has a field (har har) day. We also see a flower pot bloom into life. The flowers look vaguely lotus-y if you put your imagination to it. There’s lots of noises and camera angles to indicate that this motel is not quite as abandoned as it appears. Sure enough, the sheriff guy turns around to find an immaculate looking bellhop standing there. He tries to tell the bellhop that he isn’t allowed to be here, but Bellhop just rambles about how he has to get everything ready because they are all coming. He then tells the sherif cop guy that he’s dinner and murders the fuck out of him.

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Supernatural S05 E15 – The Bathilda Bagshot incident.

by Samantha March 30, 2016 Season 5
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We open at a cemetery where it’s storming and hands start reaching out of the graves. Soon, a guy crawls all of the way out.

Kirsti: It was very Buffy-esque, to be honest, and I still can’t decide if it was intentional or not.

Samantha: Head cannon that it was intentional.

A man is watching an animal documentary and drinking a beer. There’s some scare fake outs and then zombie guy is in the house. He kills beer guy.

BLOOOOOOOOOD.

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Supernatural S05 E07 – Dean is Hamiltrash.

by Samantha January 27, 2016 Season 5
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We open with a woman on the couch reading one of those trashy magazines that declares the Apocolypse here. A man comes in the front door and she greets him but he just runs straight upstairs. He heads into the bathroom all sweaty and panicked. He looks into the mirror as his skin begins to wrinkle and his hair falls out. He turns into an old old man and collapses into a cabinet. (K: It’s very…Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade)

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Supernatural S05 E03 – With these hungry eyes

by Samantha November 28, 2015 Season 5
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We open at a Motel of the Week where Sam is sleeping all by his lonesome. And shirtless. Which I only point out because it’s super rare for the guys to be shirtless on this show. I think I remember reading somewhere once that J2 specifically asked for that to be the case. So I always find it interesting when it does happen. Anyway, yeah, Sam is sleeping and I swear he looks broody and troubled even in his sleep. Nothing is safe from manpain.

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Supernatural S04 E22 – Just drink.

by Marines November 4, 2015 Season 4
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LOOK AT ME! I’m recapping an episode of Supernatural!

…which probably explains why this is all late because I’m messing up Kirsti’s timeliness completely. Sorry I’m the worst!

Kirsti: Who cares about timeliness when it means I GET AN EPISODE OFF WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE.

Mari: Oh, okay. I feel better!

Carry on my wayward son! I’ve been around these parts long enough to know that this song means we’ve reached finale time. There is a round of extended, season-long previouslies that ends with Sam walking out on Dean.

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Twilight Chapter 08 – My knight in shining Volvo

by Kirsti October 10, 2015 Books
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On the girly roadtrip to Port Angeles, Jessica wibbles about boys and dates while forcing them to listen to “whiny rock songs”. Despite this, Bella informs us that “the estrogen rush was invigorating”. I…don’t know what the fuck that means. I think she’s trying to say that it was nice to hang out with other teenage girls, but she’s also told us multiple times that she gives zero fucks about Jessica and Angela, so…yeah.

Marines: I died laughing. I’ve been a girl all of my life and I’ve never experienced an invigorating estrogen rush. Should I be asking for my money back? 

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Twilight Chapter 07 – Web searching like it’s 1999.

by Catherine October 9, 2015 Books
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Pop quiz time everyone!

This chapter starts out by revealing Bella’s feelings about basketball.

Does she:

a) Hate it

b) not care about it

or c) she’s the worst.

Did you guess? That’s right! The answer is she’s fucking the worst and all of the above.

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Supernatural S04 E20 – Meet the meat suit

by Kirsti October 7, 2015 Season 4
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We open with Dean sitting on the end of the world’s smallest dock. He’s fishing, and he looks peaceful and happy for the first time in EVER.

Castiel appears behind him and says they need to talk. Dean’s all “Noooooo, get out of my happy place”, and asks if he’s dreaming. Cas confirms that he is, and says they need to talk somewhere private. Dean’s confused because they’re in his head. Cas is all “Yeah, people could be listening”. He hands Dean a piece of paper, tells him to meet him there ASAP, and disappears. Dean wakes with a start.

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Pretty Little Liars S05 E06 – Everyone needs a hobby.

by Marines August 4, 2015 Pretty Little Liars
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We pick this episode up right where we left off last time, with everyone looking at Toby’s house on fire. Their phones all ring and it’s a text message from A: Did you miss me, bitches? Um, actually no. Emily is still like, “but Shana is dead!” because even though a house is exploding in front of them, apparently we’re still going to find it hard to believe that A is STILL a thing.

Jessica: This attitude just explains why in 5 seasons, we’re no closer to finding out what the hell is going on with this A person/people than we were in Season 1, Episode 1.

Mari: As they look on and wonder where Toby went, the house explodes some more.

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Grey Chapter 04 – The smell of poverty in the morning.

by Marines July 14, 2015 Books
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A chapter is starting, so a character is waking up. Grey screams, “no!” and I find it oddly hilarious that EL tells us that the scream, “bounces off the bedroom walls and wakes [him] from [his] nightmare.” That rude scream bounces off the wall and probably bopped him on the head.

Grey wakes up and can still smell the “stale beer, cigarettes and poverty” from his nightmare. He can smell the poverty. Usually we’re being facetious when we use the “I hear poor people smell bad” tag, but leave it to Grey to think that poverty is actually a smell.

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The OC S03 E11: Operation Free Marissa.

by GeGi July 3, 2015 Season 3
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First off, like so many guest recappers, I have to admit this is the only episode of the O.C. I’ve ever seen. Everything I know about the show comes from reading Snark Squad posts, which basically means I’m pretty sure this is a show about Sandy Cohan’s Eyebrows being the paradigm of good parenting, and also trying to interpret what Ryan and Marissa’s expressions mean. (M: Damn, we’ve done a good job of capturing the essentials!)

ANYWAY, we open with the staring foursome drinking “mocktails” and having a meta conversation about winter break and the show – I mean school – starting back up.

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