snark squad | where nostalgia comes to die

that’s rape asshole

Trust us, we wish we were joking too, but no: Attempted rapes and sexual molestations are actually so often reoccurring in the series we cover, from Sweet Valley High to Fifty Shades, that they required a tag. Whether the source material recognizes the situation or not, us Snark Ladies are always on hand to call rape, rape and remind you that NO MEANS NO.

I mean, at least that’s the way it should be. To see the word “no” lose all meaning, check out the posts below.

The OC S04 E08 – Pizza Prostitution

by Catherine August 3, 2016 Season 4
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Seth and Ryan are at a gas station while Seth is simultaneously washing bugs off his windshield and being interrogated by Ryan.

Ryan is asking what’s going on and Seth snarks that it’s New Year’s Eve and they’re on their way to Las Vegas. Ryan’s all like, “I know,” but I’m like silly Ryan, that wasn’t for you! That was for us, your loyal viewers. Good exposition, show!
Apparently what Ryan was really asking was why the girls are acting so strange. Seth kinda verbally shrugs and Ryan says he thinks that he’s lying.

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Eclipse Chapter 07 – Heartbreak break

by Catherine July 13, 2016 Books
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I can’t believe I got this chapter. I’m actually a little freaked out because I remember it being pretty upsetting and not very funny or easy to make fun of. In fact, I feel compelled to issue a trigger warning here for sexual assault and rape, on the grounds that it’s almost definitely gonna get discussed. Because it’s sort of what this chapter is about. But it’s only in a flashback if that makes you guys feel any better?

Annie: Yeah, I’d completely blocked this part out of my memory, probably on account of it being trigging. Thanks, Stephenie.

Catherine: THANKS, STEPHENIE.

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Game of Thrones S06 E08 – Milk toast

by DemocracyDiva July 5, 2016 Game of Thrones
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The previouslies show Tommen agreeing to be in the Cult Miltant, Cersei telling Jaime that he doesn’t need to stick around because she’s gonna have a trial by combat and she’s already got a FrankenMountain for that, The Blackfish sassing Jaime, Sexy Septon getting killed and the Hound getting angry, and Arya getting stabbed a bunch.

Credits take us through King’s Landing, Riverrun (woooo!), Winterfaux, Braavos and Meereen.

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Jessica Jones S01 E02 – Awkward ’cause of sex.

by Samantha January 4, 2016 Jessica Jones
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I love this shooooooooooow. Okay. We open with the Marvel logo and the pretty and disarming credits. I love how the music starts kind of low key and quaint and then builds into this more rock thing.

Credits over, Jessica Jones is sitting in a police interrogation room. A detective comes in and she tells him that she’s not sure how much more she can tell him. He comments on her tension and she’s basically like “Yeah. I watched people get murdered by an abused and controlled girl at the end of last episode. Of course I am.” He asks how she got in touch with the Shlottman’s and how she found Hope.

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Game of Thrones S05 E07 – Remembering cousin sex and forgetting regicide

by DemocracyDiva September 15, 2015 Game of Thrones

I don’t have the emotional wherewithal to recap the previouslies, so let’s just dive right in.

It’s snowing at The Wall, because DUH, and some of the Night’s Watch usher Tormund Giantsbane Ginger NotMance – to Lord Commander Snow. Ginger’s chains are removed, and he makes a bit of a “come at me, bro” gesture at Ser Alliser Bitchface Thorne, which I dig. Apparently Ser Alliser Bitchface is the First Ranger, and Jon gives him command of Castle Black, which seems like a non-awesome idea. Ser Alliser is like, this mission to rescue wildlings who we were like FIVE MINUTES AGO trying to murder us is dumb as fuck.

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Game of Thrones S05 E06 – Things we cannot stand for.

by Marines September 7, 2015 Game of Thrones
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Hogwarts for Assassins. We start with Arya washing a dead body very slowly and methodically. When she’s all done, two men appear to carry the body away. She stares after them, curious about what the heck is happening with these bodies. She walks closer to the door through which they left, but Nameless Cunt appears and shuts that down. Arya wants to know what happens to the bodies but NC tells her to get back to work.

Democracy Diva: Isn’t it weird that these bodies are mostly old people, when the average life expectancy in this universe is like an hour and a half?

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Grey Chapter 07 – Sex idiot.

by Marines August 4, 2015 Books
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Hi, welcome back. Have a drink if you are playing along at home because Christian Grey just woke up with a start to start the chapter. This fine morning he’s experiencing a pervading sense of guilt.

“Is it because I’ve fucked Anastasia Steele? Virgin?”

I laughed for five solid minutes. Anastasia Steele: VIRGIN.

Grey checks the time so probably you should drink again. It’s after three in the morning and Ana is fast asleep. Grey says that his body “stirs” as he watches her and this is my mental image:

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Grey Chapter 03 – Men or tea?

by Alex July 7, 2015 Books
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It’s the day after Grey’s stalker-shopping trip. He’s out for an early-morning run as he listens to Moby and recalls dreaming about Ana last night. (J: For some reason, knowing Grey listens to Moby makes me laugh.) In his dream she was on her knees and calling him ‘sir’. How sweet. His run apparently goes on for TWO WHOLE HOURS, although E.L. James thankfully manages to resist the urge to narrate the entire thing and instead skips to Grey jogging past a coffee shop on his way back to the hotel. He briefly considers asking Ana out for a coffee date, but then he laughs at himself because that’s something a normal non-murdery person would do. Ew.

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Supernatural S04 E08 – Hate keeps me warm

by Kirsti June 27, 2015 Season 4
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We open with a woman showering and lots of long, lingering shots of her back and legs, because OF COURSE WE FUCKING DO.

Marines: I don’t know why TV and movies try to make us thing that showers are evil. I love showers. Stop trying to ruin it for me, dammit. 

K: EXACTLY.

The door opens behind her and a scrawny looking teenager steps in. The music gets murdery and we get a bizarrely long shot of the shower head. I’m also 90% sure her hair would be really dry because she’s not actually rinsing anything off it.

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Game of Thrones S05 E05 – Dragon dinner

by Marines June 11, 2015 Game of Thrones
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The last scene of the previouslies is the massacre from last episode, so I hope everyone is ready for happy fun times. The credits take us to King’s Landing, Bolton-Winterfell, The Wall, Braavos, Meereen and Dorne.

Post-credits, we see Grey Worm on a sick bed as Missandei watches over him and cries. Out near her throne in the Pyramid of Power, Danaerys and Daario stand over Barristan Selmy’s slain body. I had a feeling one would die and one would survive. And then the reasonable part of my brain went, “both of them will die; this is Game of Thrones.” (S: That was my reaction so Grey Worm being alive was a pleasant surprise? This show.)

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Orphan Black S03 E02 – Where are the mangoes?

by Jessica June 9, 2015 Orphan Black
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We start right about where we left off last time. Dyad’s Dr. Nealon comes down to the cell where the Mustache Castor Clone freed the Scarface Castor Clone in the previous episode. His face doesn’t really register the “oh shit!” reaction this scene requires as he makes a phone call to report the escape.

Hotel room somewhere. Scarface Castor Clone (ok he’s sticking around for now so I’ll use his real name– Rudy) (M: Really? Huh.) enters the room with a stumbling, giggling girl. Ominous music sneaks in the background as they move toward sexytimes. She turns away for him to take off her coat, and we get a blurry image of Mustache Castor Clone (Seth) in the background taking the coat and answering her question and it’s super creepy. But

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Supernatural S04 E04 – Just like your dad

by Kirsti May 28, 2015 Season 4
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We open with a close up of an iron pentagram, then pan down to see that Sam and Ruby 2.0 have a demon tied up underneath it. Sam asks where Lilith is, and the demon sasses at him. We then get in a double dose of misogyny shots when the demon says that Sam’s “slutting around” with Ruby and then calls her a bitch. Not even 30 seconds in and we’re two shots down. It’s going to be a long road, friends…

Marines: At this rate, though, we won’t even feel it. 

K: Thank Heaven for small mercies.

Sam does his angry nostril twitch and holds his hand out. The demon pukes up black smoke, which burns away into the floor.

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The OC S02 E22 – Date them all.

by Meagan March 5, 2015 Season 2
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When the OC debuted, I was 13 years old, and I got totally sucked in. I had a crush on Ryan and probably Marissa too. I don’t know why, because my life was about the opposite of these kids–I was living in a studio apartment with my mom, the two of us sleeping on a couch together with the cushions falling in to the springs, one blanket, and loads of cats. Yeah, my childhood was pretty interesting. I wouldn’t trade it for this drama I’m about to cover, though I might have then.

Anyway, a few episodes in, my mom’s boyfriend lost his cable–so bye bye, OC. I forgot about it, until a creepy teacher at my junior high later that year told me I looked like Mischa Barton.

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The OC S02 E21 – Bienvenido a Miami.

by Lily March 4, 2015 Season 2
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As with many episodes, we start off in the Cohen’s kitchen, because why else would we need to see other parts of their humongous house. Although, it’s a shnazzy looking kitchen.

Marines: If past episodes are to be believed they only have one guest bedroom. I think this house is just a kitchen, a pool house and like 2.5 other rooms. IT’S ALL A RUSE.

Lily: Seth and Ryan discuss potential Spring Break plans.

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Pretty Little Liars S04 E21 – Big eyes mean bad things.

by Marines February 10, 2015 Pretty Little Liars
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Aria cries as she fills her friends in on the ever-increasing creepiness of Ezra Fitz. See, he didn’t kiss a random girl and THEN find out she was 16. He knew all along that she was a minor but he’s awful and decided to exploit her anyway. Additionally, he had a “brief” relationship with Alison when she was 14. So. I actually just got really, really gaggy.

Sara: It seems like the word ‘relationship’ is not really accurate considering it was between a FOURTEEN YEAR OLD and a grown man in college. Gross gross gross gross.

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