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the unsexiest

After Chapter 34 – Chamomile tea is not enough.

by Samantha May 2, 2017 Uncategorized
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You can stop sweating with anxiety, dear readers! Hardin goes over to the dresser and pulls out a pair of blue and white boxers that are apparently hideous. (M: How hideous can they be without cartoon characters or something on them? What’s happening?) Tessa notes that Hardin’s soon to be step mom or father must have bought clothes for him to have here. Hardin leaves the room to change because it’s really nice to have privacy and stuff and to feel comfortable and IT WOULD REALLY SUCK IF SOMEONE FORCEFULLY TOOK THAT AWAY FROM SOMEONE. Ahem.

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After Chapter 33 – Stomach Ache

by Marines May 2, 2017 After
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Hardin’s eyes are on fire (“blazing”) as he pulls Tessa onto the bed and on top of him. Tessa is straddling him, which she’s done before, but now she’s straddling him with very little clothing on. She stays up on her knees so they aren’t touching but “Hardin isn’t having it,” and he pulls her all the way down. Because clearly what Hardin’s having is the only thing on the menu.

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Breaking Dawn Chapter 06 – You’re getting very sleepy.

by Catherine January 7, 2017 Books
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Edward is sticking to his guns and refusing to have sex with Bella again as long as she’s human. Which is tricky cuz Bella can’t get enough of the sparkle peen and wants it bad.

Marines: Oh my goodness, you mean we are still denying Bella any fulfillment of her sexual desires with a ring on it? Color me shocked.

Kirsti: Whaaaaaaat?? I NEVER COULD HAVE FORESEEN THIS TURN OF EVENTS.

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Eclipse Chapter 27 – Pain seasoning.

by Catherine September 29, 2016 Books
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Bella has to pull over on her drive home because she’s so upset about breaking the heart of the guy who sexually assaulted her and admitted last chapter that he manipulated her with the threat of suicide and purposefully put her in a situation where he HOPED that her boyfriend would beat her up so that she would leave him and he could catch her on the rebound.

I am not as upset, if you can tell.

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BrainDead S01 E08 – Pass the Ketchup

by Dani September 20, 2016 BrainDead
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I could have done without the exploding head montage that begins this episode’s “previously on” song, but it was totally worth it to get to the fake prescription ad for Space Bugs. Funny how the possible side effects sound so similar to actual ads, other than the “Brain matter leakage is common but harmless” disclaimer.

Marines: The people running around in fields is fantastic. Also, on a related note, drug ads in the U.S. are RIDICULOUS.

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Eclipse Chapter 20 – Why me?

by Kirsti August 22, 2016 Books
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I skipped ahead to see what happens in this chapter and I only have one thing to say: WHY ME? WHY DO I KEEP BEING PUNISHED BY THE CHAPTER GODS?

Just hang on while I mentally prepare myself, you guys.

Marines: Kirsti. GET IT TOGETHER. We are ALL being punished by the chapter gods.

Catherine: This book is like Russian Roulette but the gun is fully loaded. 

K: Pretty much exactly.

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Grey Chapter 18 – We Are Brian

by Alex February 16, 2016 Books
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Before we get started, I’d just like to apologise for the delays in getting Grey recaps out so far this year, all of which have been entirely my fault. I promise I’ll get my shit together for the next one!

Anyway, here we go. The chapter opens and would anyone like to guess what Grey is doing? That’s right! He’s… waking up! He’s being woken up by Ana, who’s talking in her sleep. Her ‘whispered words penetrate [his] slumber’.

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Grey Chapter 14 – Talk to the groin.

by Alex October 13, 2015 Books
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Grey starts his day by casually jogging past Ana’s new apartment. He chuckles to himself about what a stalker he is but then immediately gets defensive. He’s just out for a run, OK? ‘It’s a free country’. Dude, there’s no one else here. You’re literally arguing with yourself right now about whether or not you’re being a stalker.

Marines: So, really, the question is if you are a deranged stalker or a super deranged stalker. It’s a close call.

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Grey Chapter 11 – Symbolic Bullshit

by Alex September 15, 2015 Books
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Before we get started on this chapter, I’d like to thank Mari for picking up chapter 9 (the sex contract chapter) while I was completely swamped with finishing my masters degree. However, I’ve kind of screwed myself over, because now I have to cover this extremely long chapter instead. Come back, sex contract! All is forgiven! (Not really).

Marines: I love you, but this worked out so well for me.

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Grey Chapter 08 – Plateau of terribleness

by Jessica August 11, 2015 Books
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In a small paragraph that’s obviously just left over from last chapter, Grey informs us that he goes to bed sometime after 1 a.m. He’s excited to continue work on his new project – Anastasia Steele: Virgin.

Alex: Fucksake. He actually calls her “a new project”. We’re literally three sentences into the chapter and I’m already getting a rage migraine.

Marines: If you want to black out early, try thinking about whether incessant talk of training her is worse than “new project.”

J: Nothing is worse. We’ve just reached a plateau where everything is terrible.

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Dawson’s Creek S03 E22 – Pacey in formalwear.

by DemocracyDiva August 6, 2015 Dawson's Creek
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Joey and Dawson walk-and-talk about finals. They arrive at the Leery Manor porch, and Dawson starts word-vomiting about some pact. Apparently they agreed to go to junior prom together many moons ago, and Dawson insists they should go, but he says “as friends” so many times that I’m positive he’s full of shit.

Kirsti: I’m not sure whether I’m more horrified that Dawson’s making such a huge deal of JUNIOR PROM or that he’s holding Joey to a promise she made over two years ago. Either way, DUDE, NO.

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Grey Chapter 07 – Sex idiot.

by Marines August 4, 2015 Books
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Hi, welcome back. Have a drink if you are playing along at home because Christian Grey just woke up with a start to start the chapter. This fine morning he’s experiencing a pervading sense of guilt.

“Is it because I’ve fucked Anastasia Steele? Virgin?”

I laughed for five solid minutes. Anastasia Steele: VIRGIN.

Grey checks the time so probably you should drink again. It’s after three in the morning and Ana is fast asleep. Grey says that his body “stirs” as he watches her and this is my mental image:

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Grey Chapter 06 – Longest. Chapter. Ever.

by Alex July 29, 2015 Books
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My last recap was mostly just a bunch of stuff from FSoG slightly rewritten from Grey’s PoV. It seems that I’ve got pretty much the same deal this time, only A MILLION TIMES WORSE, because now I have the dubious honour of recapping Grey’s first sex scene.

Luckily, though, I have a while to prepare myself for that, because this is also the LONGEST CHAPTER OF ALL TIME. It just keeps going and going. I’ll be surprised if anyone is even still reading by the time we get to the sex part.

Jessica: Your perseverance in not only reading, but writing, is impressive. Just reading this took colossal effort.

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Supernatural S04 E05 – One, two, three monsters ah ah ah

by Kirsti June 4, 2015 Season 4
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Yes, that title is a terrible attempt at sounding like the Count from Sesame Street. First things first: this post has almost no gifs because 90% of the gifs for this episode are of one particular scene, and I’m sure when we get there you’ll guess what it is.

Marines: I’ll help the cause by adding this in response to the lack of gifs:

K: Bless you.

We open in black and white with an old school Warner Brothers logo. That’s followed by 1940s style put-everything-at-the-start style movie credits accompanied by monster movie style music. (M: FUN WITH CREDITS, MY FAVORITE.)

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#snarkathon – Top Gun

by Kirsti February 10, 2015 Movies
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Snarking Top Gun has been on the radar for a long time. I don’t remember who first suggested it, but I *do* know that my reaction was “HOLY SHIT YES PLEASE WE HAVE TO DO THIS OMG IT IS SO SNARKTASTIC”. So obviously, when it came to me picking a movie for Snarkathon, there was only one possible option.

Also, if someone wants to remake this movie with Logan Echolls as the main character, I would be 100% okay with that.

ANYWAY. Let’s get down to recapping, shall we?

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