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After Chapter 36 – Max Cruelty

by Marines June 13, 2017 After
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Tessa asks Hardin wtf he’s doing here even though the answer is obviously that he has some tasty Kool Aide samples for them to try. (M: OH YEAH.)

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After Chapter 34 – Chamomile tea is not enough.

by Samantha May 2, 2017 Uncategorized
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You can stop sweating with anxiety, dear readers! Hardin goes over to the dresser and pulls out a pair of blue and white boxers that are apparently hideous. (M: How hideous can they be without cartoon characters or something on them? What’s happening?) Tessa notes that Hardin’s soon to be step mom or father must have bought clothes for him to have here. Hardin leaves the room to change because it’s really nice to have privacy and stuff and to feel comfortable and IT WOULD REALLY SUCK IF SOMEONE FORCEFULLY TOOK THAT AWAY FROM SOMEONE. Ahem.

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After Chapter 30 – Is this scene over yet?

by Marines April 11, 2017 After
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I’mma just preface this with I hate this mother fucking douche so much.

Hardin and Tessa go sit on the patio. Tessa says that his touch is literally burning her skin so someone get this girl some ice.

Marines: That’s an allergic reaction, not romance, baby girl.

Samantha: Tessa tries to muster her harsh tone so, we’ll see how long that lasts.

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After Chapter 26 – Hate on, brats.

by Marines March 28, 2017 After
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Oh boy. Here we go.

Tessa tells us that Hardin’s hand is on her thigh and she hopes he never moves it. Sounds like an awkward way to live but okay. She studies his tattoos, making special note of an infinity symbol on his wrist. Apparently she’s a tattoo whisperer (M: lol) because she knows that this one is extra special to him. He asks her what kind of food she likes, and Tessa takes a moment to let us know how refreshing it is that he asked her a normal question.

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Dawson’s Creek S04 E12 – Crappy birthday, Pacey

by Kirsti October 7, 2016 Dawson's Creek
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Pacey’s asleep on the sofa when Joey wakes him up by singing happy birthday and shoving a cupcake in his face.

He’s none too pleased by this method of being woken up, and hopes like hell for no further acknowledgement of his birthday because birthdays are the actual worst.

Chelsea: This is not the way to wake someone up, ESPECIALLY ON THEIR BIRTHDAY. You let them wake up naturally and then bribe them with cake.

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Eclipse Chapter 26 – A fucking monster.

by Annie September 22, 2016 Books
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The chapter opens with Bella telling us that the vampires are all so perfect they couldn’t possibly ever need or use beauty products so Alice must have filled the bathroom with stuff so Bella can cover up her ugly human face. Great.

Alice brushes Bella’s hair (K: Because a child needs both a father AND a mother. Edward can’t do it all, you guys) and Bella whines that she wants to go to La Push because she wants to go and sit by Jacob’s bedside but Alice tells her she needs to go home so Charlie won’t get suspicious. This back and forth goes on for a page and a half. Bella worries about Jacob while Alice insists she goes home to protect the alibi.

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Eclipse Chapter 19 – The Lord’s Work

by Catherine August 17, 2016 Books
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After the excitement of last chapter, Bella is all tuckered out and Daddy!Edward has to carry her home in his arms and put her to bed. I assume he explained something to Charlie, otherwise he would’ve had to shove her in through the window and crawl in after her like you do when you’re trying to move a big couch.

Marines: Yeah, I’m assuming that’s what happened. He was probably like, “meh. She’s asleep anyway *shove*.” 

Annie: I wonder how Charlie feels about co-parenting his teenage daughter with her teenage boyfriend. Because I think it would make me homicidal.

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Eclipse Chapter 11 – Racially Uncomfortable

by Catherine July 25, 2016 Books
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So after Bella was handed off for partial custody from vampire to werewolf last chapter, she starts this chapter at a bonfire with all of the werewolves.

They’re eating hotdogs and talking.

Kirsti: More accurately, they’re eating hot dogs that were cooked on wire hangers. I’m still not sure why that level of detail was necessary.

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Eclipse Chapter 10 – Cats will eat you.

by Annie July 19, 2016 Books
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I’m trying very hard to ignore the fact that the name of this chapter is “Scent.”

The chapter opens with Bella wondering why they’re all so immature. Me, too, Bell-Bells.

Edward tells Bella that he doesn’t feel any personal antagonism towards Jacob.

LOLOLOL. Okay. Sure.

Catherine: LOL. Yeah right, Edward. It’s all just professional anger and not at all about the girl you’re fighting over. 

Kirsti: “I wish he’d die in a fire, but it’s nothing personal!”

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Eclipse Chapter 07 – Heartbreak break

by Catherine July 13, 2016 Books
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I can’t believe I got this chapter. I’m actually a little freaked out because I remember it being pretty upsetting and not very funny or easy to make fun of. In fact, I feel compelled to issue a trigger warning here for sexual assault and rape, on the grounds that it’s almost definitely gonna get discussed. Because it’s sort of what this chapter is about. But it’s only in a flashback if that makes you guys feel any better?

Annie: Yeah, I’d completely blocked this part out of my memory, probably on account of it being trigging. Thanks, Stephenie.

Catherine: THANKS, STEPHENIE.

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Eclipse Chapter 06 – Angry whispers in the night.

by Annie July 11, 2016 Books
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Bella is driving home, paying little attention to the drive, but instead, thinking all about her visit with Jacob, when she spots Edward’s Volvo (M: Sparkle) in her rearview mirror. Edward is following way too closely behind her. That sounds super safe. Bella seems worried about how much trouble she’s going to be in, which is not a thing that should be happening, as Bella is an adult and Edward is her boyfriend. Not her parent.

Bella drives straight to Angela’s house, calling herself a chicken. Yeah, Bella. You’re scared to be alone with your boyfriend. You’re such a big chicken!

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Eclipse Chapter 05 – Legally binding love at first sight.

by Marines July 8, 2016 Books
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This chapter is called imprint and we’re so far away from imprinting but I’m already throwing up in my mouth.

Catherine: It gets worse, guys. It always, always gets worse. Remember that. 

Kirsti: Every time I think it can’t possibly get worse, it gets much MUCH worse. So yeah.

Mari:  We pick up one second after the end of the last chapter for whatever reason. Bella asks if Jake is okay since Charlie has basically been telling her how unokay he is. Also, she’s probably also asking because of his giant wolf hands and emo letters.

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Eclipse Chapter 04 – I miss Angelus

by Kirsti July 7, 2016 Books
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This chapter starts off amazingly well: “I was having a bad week.” Bella, girl. You’re having a bad LIFE. But guess what, y’all? Her bad week has very little to do with the fact that Victoria’s back and everything to do with the fact that no one will turn her into a vampire several weeks ahead of schedule. She argues that being a weak little human person is a terrible idea with Victoria around, but the Cullen-Hales point out that there are seven of them versus one of Victoria and for some inexplicable reason, they all want Bella to stay safe.

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New Moon Epilogue – This is not an epilogue.

by Marines April 11, 2016 Books
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We made it!

Yeah, we fell pretty off pace there toward the end. I feel like we were way more prepared the first time around, probably because we were bright eyed and bushy tailed, even if we expected the books to be bad.

Annie: And because it had been so long since we’d read these books, we’d forgotten how absolutely awful they were! Like, really, really awful. Way, way worse than I’d remembered.

Catherine: Reliving it ten years later is somehow way worse, guys. 

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New Moon Chapter 18 – Glitter tears.

by Annie March 24, 2016 Books
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Bella runs down the stairs and throws the door open to find Jacob at the front door. Well, not quite at the door:

“He was standing about 6 feet back from the door, his nose wrinkled in distaste, but his face otherwise smooth – masklike.”

Kirsti: Now, friends. I want you all to do something for me. Try and wrinkle your nose while keeping the rest of your face smooth. Please send pictures. Not owning a face is clearly something that SMeyer and EL James have in common.

Annie: Just tried that. Absolutely not sharing pictures of it.

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