Happy New Year Traumateers!
We realize we were only off for a week, but we missed you guys anyways.
We hope you are ready for another year of babies watching babies, not!sex sex, hating on fat people, wooden dummies and negligent parents, amongst all the other excitement we get here at Childhood Trauma.
Love you long time.
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Lorraine: I’m just going to tell you right now that if the most boring person in the world shat out a book, it would be this book. Not even a Youth Mauling Bear could fix this. They’d probably just put a leash around him and think he was a pet.
Anyways:
We know that something is wrong right at the start of this book because Grandpa Money Bags slams a door. Oh, jump back! Watch out for all that irrational anger.
Benny, the youngest of the ex-homeless kids, takes personal offense to the slammed door and goes and tells his brothers and sisters all about it. The children figure they should go and see what’s wrong with G-pa.
He tells them that he’s received a letter from his sister’s neighbor. He expects the kids to be surprised that he had a sister, but Jessie, the second oldest, is all, “we also didn’t know you were nice, or that you had an island, or a nephew. So, yeah. We don’t get surprised anymore.” Word, little homeless child. Word.
G-pa’s sister Jane is sickly, but refuses help from anyone because she’s one of the crotchety old bitches. Don’t lie. You know what I’m talking about.
Previously, Jane was being taken care of by a neighbor, the one who wrote the letter. She’s quitting however because Jane “is very cross to me, and she has many strange ideas.” I’m way too entertained by how much they say “cross” in this book. If someone ever told me they were cross at me, I think I’d laugh in their face.
The kids quickly come up with a solution: Jessie and Violet will go and take care of their great aunt, because they are girls and girls know how to care for shit. Money Bags warns them again that Jane is very cross, but the girls don’t care because they like angry people and sleeping outside and doing chores and eating with dirty spoons!!!!!
So. Off they go.
On the train they meet a mysterious man who helps them with their bags but who disappears suddenly. A GHOST? (Note: probably not.)
Maggie, the neighbor, takes the girls to Aunt Jane’s house. She asks if they know that their aunt is crotchety, doesn’t eat, and won’t let anyone else eat. The girls are all, “yep we know. And our grandfather sent us anyways because THAT seemed like a good idea.”
“So you’re James Alden’s grandchildren!” a sharp voice said. Jessie went nearer the bed.
“He is very worried about you, Aunt Jane,” she said.
“Worried? Pooh!” said the little old lady. But she couldn’t help liking that friendly voice saying “Aunt Jane.” No one had talked so kindly to her in years.
She raised her head and asked, “What’s the matter with the other girl? Can’t she talk?”
“Yes,” said Violet, smiling. “I shall talk so much you’ll be tired of hearing me.”
Miss Alden said nothing. But she found herself thinking, “I’ll never be tired of hearing that soft voice.”
Is it me or is this the nicest mean old lady you ever met?
Anyways, the girls are all, “have you ever met anyone so cross?!” and apparently they haven’t met like 99% of the rest of the population.
The girls manage to get their aunt to drink orange juice and egg (?) with almost no trouble at all. Aunt Jane says she’d like to meet the other kids. What. A. Bitch. (Note: not really.)
The girls and Maggie go out to buy groceries and send Money Bags a telegram. When they get back to the house, Aunt Jane is pissed that they left her alone, because while they were out, three men came to the ranch and offered to buy it for $10,000. Jane shoo’d them away, though, because she has plans for her ranch.
The girls miss their brothers and get the Nicest Mean Old Lady Ever to agree to invite them over. She loves them so much that she decides that she’s going to sign over the ranch to the children and hire a manager until they are old enough to care for it themselves.
They start to explore their new ranch and find that someone has been squatting on it. There is a hut with a fire made out of stones. I wonder if there are some other kids out there who really enjoy being homeless! (Note: Not likely.)
The kids go to the next town over to report the mystery man, the three men who tried to buy Aunt Jane’s ranch and the squatter to the sheriff. When they get there, he isn’t surprised to hear the news at all, and out comes the mystery man.
Turns out, Mystery Man was hired by Grandpa Money Bags to search for uranium on the ranch property. And there is a lot of it. The three men had found the uranium first and were trying to buy the ranch for cheap. So, basically, the ranch is worth a lot of money and these rich little bastards just got richer. They need Money Bags’ money to help fund the uranium digging though. This means Money Bags and Nice Mean Aunt Jane need to kiss and make up.
Aaaaand they do.
Because there is no conflict and nothing is ever hard in books written for first graders.
The kids decide to name the ranch “Mystery Ranch” because of all the mystery. On the ranch. To me, however, it sounds like a salad dressing gone bad.
Nice Mean Aunt Jane has a birthday party, everyone is happy, they buy her a dog and it’s time for the kids to return home.
The moral of the story: the rich get richer and the poor read books meant for first graders.
Also, how about a “cross” count: 13. WHAT.
Also, also, this book was so boring, none of the girls even wanted to comment on it. HOW IS THAT EVEN FAIR?
I'm a 30-something south Floridan who loves the beach but cannot swim. Such is my life, full of small contradictions and little trivialities. My main life goals are never to take life too seriously, but to do everything I attempt seriously well. After that, my life goals devolve into things like not wearing pants and eating all of the Zebra Cakes in the world. THE WORLD.
