Previously: We jumped ahead in the SVH series and covered books 95-100 aka the Evil Twin mini-series aka baby Jesus’ gift to us all. Now that the holidays are over, we’re heading back to our original timeline. When we last left the girls, they were being mean to a poor kid because poor people are pretty sucky. Luckily for Poor Roger, he was good at a sport. *phew*
And now we’ve made it to book 10! To celebrate, Francine Ghostwriter is giving us a book about a Sweet Valley slut. Aw. You shouldn’t have.
—
Lorraine: I know technically we’ve haven’t reached the point where Jess is roofie-your-own-sister-psychotic, but that doesn’t mean we still can’t hate on her everyone:
As she looked over the list of girls who had signed up to try out for the cheerleading squad, Jessica Wakefield purred like a satisfied cat.”
Sigh.
Get her mullet too, girlfriend. That needs to die.
So you guys remember Robin Wilson? Sweet Valley’s only fat person? She’s now the co-captain of the cheerleading squad, thanks to anorexia. Jessica is quick to tell us, though, that she’s the one really in charge and RexiRobin can step the fuck off.
Ghostwriter tells us that the Sweet Valley cheerleading squad is envied by everyone. To be on the squad you have to:
– be gorgeous (we then get a description of how hot all the cheerleaders are)
– keep your grades up
– have awesome (80’s) style
– have talent.
Here are some things they didn’t mention but that are probably true:
– Be white
– Kiss Jessica’s ass
– Be mildly to moderately psychotic
– Have been kissed by Bruce Patman (rape!kissing counts)
– Cry on a daily basis
– Be upper middle class to stinkin’ filthy rich.
– Have a perfect size six ass
WHATEVER JESSICA. I’M STARTING MY OWN CHEER TEAM AND IT’S GONNA KICK YOUR CHEER TEAM’S ASS.
Sara: Nugs is totally checking out Lily’s ass right there.
Sweeney: I love Lily and Sara’s game faces.
Lor: Jess explains that there are 75 girls who want to try out (really?) and only 2 vacant spots. One of those is almost certainly going to go to Cara Walker, Jess’ best friend. She used to be on the team, but she pulled a prank with Lila on an opposing team, and they got kicked off the squad. Lila swore she’d never go crawling back to the team because she’s Lila Mother Fucking Fowler. She don’ need no stinkin’ team.
Cara, however, is not above crawling back.
At this point, Jess notices that Annie Whitman has signed up for tryouts and she’s pissed. Why is this so angering? Because Annie is known around these parts as Easy Annie. Does this mean she’s having sex? Annie might be my new favorite if she is. Someone in town should be getting it in is all I’m saying.
Sara: Or she’s just hand-holding, which is just as slutty.
Sweeney: Especially if she’s going behind bushes to hold hands. That’s the sluttiest.
Lor: By the way, Annie is described as “one of the most beautiful girls in town.” I think we need to start having a “most beautiful girl in town” count. Dammit, ghostwriters. They can’t all be the most beautiful girls in town! You are missing the point of the word “most.”
Annie’s story is that her mom had her when she was 16. Her parents got married and… DIVORCED! when she was only 2. When Annie was 10, her father pushed her down some stairs. Annie has never been able to make friends, but lucky for her, and perhaps for the local free clinic, she’s had plenty of boyfriends! Validation and overcompensation- thy name is Annie.
Sara: Wow. Everything in Annie’s life is the kind of shit that isn’t allowed to happen in Sweet Valley: teenage pregnancy, divorce, domestic violence… no wonder she’s a whorey whore whore.
Lor: At least she isnt’ fat!
Anyhow, she wants to change her luck by being a cheerleader. Liz agrees to help Annie with her math, so that her grades will be good enough for the team. Even though Liz knows that there’s no way Jess will let an Easy on the team, she keeps encouraging Annie to try out. You know what they say: first cheering, then a Nobel Peace Prize. No one says that, actually. I’m pretty sure that I was the first person to ever say that. Ever.
After their study session, Annie’s mom and man-friend get home a little tipsy. Man-friend is pretty insignificant but I wouldn’t be a proper Snark Lady if I didn’t share this little introduction with you:
“Just call me Johnny, sugar. All the cute little girls call me Johnny.”
What in the hell?
Can we use a #PierreAlert for Johnny? Maybe what we truly need is a #PedoAlert. (Sweeney: Isn’t that already stamped on every book in Traumaland?) Needless to say that all the pedo-y-ness makes Liz feel even worse for Annie. She’s hence-forth adopted the Annie for Cheer Team! cause. Because Liz doesn’t know how to do anything beside stick her brown nose where it doesn’t freakin’ belong.
Sara: Also, why does Liz always want to play Adopt-a-Loser with the one girl Jessica is hating on each book? Bitch, you couldn’t have chosen Annie six books ago, when Jessica was busy destroying RexiRobin’s will to live?
Sweeney: In a world where people aren’t crazy, I’d say she’s building up a group of supporters for when her psychotic sister decides to roofie her and leave her for lifeinprison. But, of course, after ninety books of Jessica being a heinous bitch, I can’t honestly expect all the people whose lives she ruined to remember all her offenses against them, can I?
Lor: Too many people. Too many details.
Tryout day one: We’re introduced to Ricky who is the team’s plain but lovable do-boy. Annie does her cheer-thang, and she’s awesome. Everyone thinks so, except for Jess. It doesn’t matter because all the rest of the girls vote Annie into the next round of tryouts.
Ruh-roh. You can just sense the crazy bleeding into Jessica’s eyes.
Liz is tutoring Annie some more. Mostly, what we learn here is that Liz has a really bitchy internal monologue and Annie’s mom is negligent. Annie is also doing better in math. Liz is all, “that is even more exciting than potentially making the squad!” and Annie is all, “LOL. I don’t need to know math to fix my life! I need a short skirt!”
Annie’s math and tryout success have changed her whole life. She tells Liz that she no longer wants to use multiple boys to fill the empty feeling inside of her. Welp. That’s fucking depressing. Newly converted Mutually Exclusive Annie sets her eyes on plain but lovable Ricky.
Sara: For some reason, I can only picture Ricky as a gay latino. This makes the story line that much more entertaining for me.
Lor: I’m not judging. You get your giggles in where you can. Jessica corners two other cheerleaders and convinces them to vote for Cara and some chick named Sandra, leaving Annie out in the whorey cold.
Sara: Hopefully she’s wearing a bra out there…
Lor: Meanwhile, Todd is getting irritated because Liz’s thoughts are always elsewhere. He asks her if maybe she’s in love with someone else. Instead of saying, ‘yes Todd, I’m in creepy stalker love with my own twin sister and I can’t mind my own business!’ she assures him that, no. Throat Punching is the only way to her heart, and Todd has that market cornered. These words are all implied, by the way. Trust me. I’m making it better for you.
Final try outs and Sandra falls on her face, leaving Cara and Annie as the two clear choices. But! Jess pleads with her fellow team mates to consider what they are doing! She claims that having a girl with a bad reputation on the team will be bad for them all, because whore-y reputations are contagious.
Sara: I thought having a bad reputation was part of being a high school cheerleader, no? Just my school?
Lor: Not just your school.
Which reminds me, I always feel a little bad for using words like whore and slut around here because, I mean, there are some serious points you could make about sexism in relation to those words, and even, exemplified in these books. And beyond that, the other double standard is that Jessica has 1-2 new boyfriends per book. Also, we don’t even know if Annie is sleeping around or just dating around or maybe she hangs out with boys because all the girls are too busy calling people names and being bitches.
Sweeney: Which is kind of why these books are a problem and need to be eviscerated because WHO THE FUCK DECIDED THAT THESE ARE MESSAGES WE SHOULD BE SENDING TO LITTLE GIRLS?
Lor: Exactly! But then I realize that this is a kids book from the 80’s and that holy shit, I just gave it that much extra thought and I should probably go have a drink or 4 right now.
Anyways, Jess says she will certainly not be anywhere near someone with a bad reputation and gives the girls an ultimatum: if they vote Annie on the team, Jessica is quitting.
Sara: Yay! No Jessica on the team! Wait… that’s probably not what’s going to happen, right? Motherfuck.
Lor: When the girls get home that afternoon their parents have news for them. The daughter of an old roommate of Papa Wakefield’s is sending his daughter to stay with them for two weeks. She’s beautiful and well traveled so the girls are excited to host her. The second part of the news is that while Suzanne is visiting them, one of the twins will take her place in New York! Uh, way to create competition there, Wakefield parents. It’s not like your daughter Jessica is way above roofie-ing her own sister to get her way. (I almost lasted the whole recap without mentioning it again. Go me!)
Sweeney: I only made like four comments before I had to bring it up, so congrats!
Sara: Oh, Jeezy. Who would ever, ever trust Jessica Sociopath Wakefield in New York City by herself?
Lor: Plain but lovable and possibly gay latino Ricky breaks the news to Annie that she didn’t make it onto the team. She can’t understand why, because she was clearly the best candidate. Ricky unwillingly tells her about how Jessica said sluts can’t cheer in Sweet Valley, or whatever. Annie cries. Like, a lot a lot. I can’t keep accurate count of this crying because she just keeps stopping and starting up again. Ricky does his best to console her, but she just runs away. Crying. She doesn’t show up to school for days and days.
Sara: I guess this is a thing in Sweet Valley, where girls get their feelings hurt at school and just stay home for weeks on end. After my boyfriend broke up with me in high school, I wanted to stay home and mope like a losery loser, but my mother forced me to go to school and face the embarrassment head-on.
Lor: Sometime after Jess goes off on another rant about people who date a lot ruin the sanctity of cheerleading, or whatever, Liz gets a call from plain but lovable Ricky. He tells her that Annie is being rushed to the hospital. She tried to kill herself.
WHOA. REALLY?
Jessica says she has no desire to go to the hospital but Liz won’t let her off the hook and drags her down there, probably to guilt her into submission. Ricky tells them that he found Annie passed out after having taken a bottle of pills. Jessica cries. Annie’s mom cries. Annie’s mom also smokes inside the hospital. Oh, and after Annie’s stomach is pumped and she still doesn’t come around, some doctor diagnoses her with, “no will to live.” Uh… mmkay. Best hospital ever!
Sara: “No will to live” reminds me of the Sarah McLachlan animal cruelty commercial, where one dog is “dying of a broken heart.”
Lor: Jess cries two more times and says this is all her fault and she’s a terrible person. I say we just let her believe it. But then! Hark! She has the best idea ever. Jess finds the doctor and tells him all about cheeleading tryouts, because I’m sure the ER doctor has nothing better to do. Since Annie has no will to live, Jess wonders if maybe they can give her some life incentive!
Love?
Her mother’s attention?
Her father’s attention?
To kick that creepy pedo Johnny out of her house?
A million dollars?
A pre-paid college education?
A vat of fine chocolate?
Sicking a youth mauling bear on Jessica?
A squeaky clean reputation?
NO GUYS. A SPOT ON THE CHEERLEADING TEAM. The doctor uses his many years of medical school and residency to conclude that this iz lyk da best idea eva.
Well, remember back when I was really excited that Liz was in a coma but then Jess talked her out of it? Apparently Jess is some sort of coma-talker which is like a snake charmer or dog whisperer but even stupider. She manages to bring Annie around with promises of back flips and rah-rah-rah’s or something.
Annie realizes that there is more to life than cheering but Jess is all, “oh hell no. You will be on this damn team,” and Annie is all, “LOL. Okay!” Annie’s mom stops by just long enough to tell us that she dumped Pedo Johnny, which I suppose is meant to make us feel like Annie’s life is on the up and up.
Sweeney: I mean, it was only suicidal depression – surely any good ghost writer can cure that in one paragraph or less.
Lor: All is well in Sweet Valley. Just a little bitchery and attempted suicide!
In the end, no one mentions that bitch just tried to off herself. So, I guess I won’t either?
See you next time folks!
Next time on Sweet Valley High: Will it be Liz or Jess that gets to New York? Because seriously, who would let Jess go to New York? Find out in #11 – Too Good to Be True.
I'm a 30-something south Floridan who loves the beach but cannot swim. Such is my life, full of small contradictions and little trivialities. My main life goals are never to take life too seriously, but to do everything I attempt seriously well. After that, my life goals devolve into things like not wearing pants and eating all of the Zebra Cakes in the world. THE WORLD.
Nicole is the co-captain of Snark Squad and these days she spends most of her time editing podcasts. She spends too much time on Twitter and very occasionally vlogs and blogs. In her day job she's a producer, editor, director, and sometimes host of educational YouTube channels. She loves travel, maps, panda gifs, and semicolons. Writing biographies stresses her out; she crowd sourced this one years ago and has been using a version of it ever since. She would like to thank Twitter for their help.
I'm a 30-something with three kids who spends an embarrassing amount of time watching teen television dramas. There's a whole lot of Internet out there, and I plan on reading all of it before I die.
Pingback: SVH #11 “Too Good to be True” – Out Creeping the Creepster()
Pingback: SVH #009 Racing Hearts – Or the one where poor people are almost as gross as fat people.()