—
Lorraine: Grey has been locked away in the study for over an hour so naturally Ana doesn’t even know what to do with her self. She’s tried reading, watching TV and sunbathing, though she’s sure to tell us it’s full dressed sunbathing. I don’t even know what that means. Probably sunbathing in a parka, because what else screams “abuse victim on a vacation!”
Sweeney: It’s amusing when Ana “tries” to do things other than be around Christian Grey because this, like many other things in this series, is something that she talks about doing — she often tells us of her arduous efforts to DO things at the “stressful” moments in her narrative, but she almost never actually does much of anything besides wait for Christian Grey to tell her what to do. And we’re on book three. I don’t know how many pages E. L. James can fill without them interacting. Let’s find out.
Lor: Well, Ana decides that she wants to go shopping, so she finds Taylor the Red Ranger and informs him. She wants to take the jet ski, but Taylor doesn’t think Grey would like that idea, and he doesn’t want to be in trouble with his boss. Ana huffs and puffs before entering Grey’s study to ask him herself, meaning that before we actually start counting pages sans interaction, she has to go ask him permission to not interact with him. Cool.
Sweeney: She hilariously tries to demonstrate that she is “the mistress of her own destiny” by “sighing heavily” — for all of .2 seconds before remembering that LOL NOPE, she’s not.
Lor: Grey is on the phone and he puts that conversation on hold to receive Ana.
“Shit. Why do I feel like I’ve entered the principal’s office? This man had me in handcuffs yesterday.”
After I figured out what the hell she was trying to say here (I shouldn’t feel like I’m in the principal’s office because this guy puts me in sexy-times handcuffs) it made me even more mad than I was when I was confused. NO, GIRL. Entering your HUSBAND’S office should NEVER feel like entering a principal’s office, just regardless of handcuffs.
Sweeney: This is extra funny, you guys, because I saw this draft a few days ago; Lor originally wrote something to the effect of, “Uh, these two thoughts do not go together.” I also follow the Ana Logic (shame shots!) but I’m still back on that thought.
Lor: I’m slightly comforted by the fact that I didn’t immediately follow Ana Logic.
She is determined to not be intimidated, seeing as how she is addressing her husband after all, so she tells him she’s going shopping and that she’ll take security. She can tell he wants her gone, so she asks if he needs anything (he doesn’t) and then gives him a kiss. Grey ends the call he was on to kiss Ana some more, until she’s breathless of course, because 95% of all kisses in the book must use the “breathless” description. She’s probably only gotten dumber through the course of the series because of brain damage caused by oxygen deprivation.
As she exits the study, her subconscious is upset that she never actually told Grey she would be taking the jet ski. She lets Taylor think she did, though, so we can hate her even more later if the Red Ranger gets in trouble for this.
Sweeney: WORST.
Lor: After a paragraph break (the number of paragraph breaks has increased exponentially in the third book) we’re on the jet ski and Taylor is explaining to Ana how to work it. She takes off.
“With the warm breeze in my hair and a fine sea spray on either side of me, I feel free. This rocks! No wonder Christian never lets me drive.”
Because this might imply one of two things:
1.) Christian never lets her drive because it is an activity that will make her feel free.
2.) Christian never lets her drive because it is a fun activity.
Either way, I hate this book.
Ana rides around until Grey shows up on deck and watches her. She waves at him and he just stands there for a long time and then finally lifts a hand. She’s all, “NOPE” about trying to figure out if he’s mad so she heads off to the marina. At the dock, Taylor is clearly upset and tells her that Grey isn’t comfortable with her driving the jet ski. Ana basically says that sucks for him, and that if Grey’s mad he can tell her when she’s back on the boat.
Sweeney: Which, I mean, yeah. IT WAS ABOUT A PAGE, YOU GUYS. She was out on this jet ski, sans Grey for about one fucking page and he starts calling to drag her back inside because he is the actual worst ever ever. I disapprove of Red Ranger getting in trouble because Ana was a lying liar who lies, but also fuck that noise, Christian Grey. Red Ranger needs to either finish the job and off Grey or quit this damn job.
Lor: I had a more rant-y thing about Ana endangering his job, but then it got to be a confusing, “please obey your husband so I don’t get fired” thing and yeah. He should just kill everyone.
Ana says something about how fond she is of Taylor but how she doesn’t like to be scolded by him, as he’s not her father or her husband. Because we go from father to husband, ladies, for our daily doses of firm talking tos!!
Grey calls and she insta-apologizes and agrees to come back on the boat and not the jet ski. Because he’s her husband/principal and she wanted to avoid the scolding, see? She hangs up because he has another call. SO SHE EMAILS HIM. Seriously, like one freakin’ second after their call, she emails him to say thank you for not being grouchy. It has no purpose other than to be another email between these two.
Sweeney: And the separation! I just remembered that they technically did separate occasionally when she went to work, but I totally forgot because she spent her entire work day emailing him. There’s a limited number of paragraphs that can happen without Ana/Grey interaction.
Lor: PARAGRAPH BREAK. Ana wonders why she wanted to go shopping in the first place because she hates shopping. Then she makes a BFD about walking past designer stores to go to a touristy shop where she buys a cheap anklet with little bells on it. “This is me,” she thinks, probably because it’s tacky, cheap, covers her abuse marks and makes a lot of noise that doesn’t mean anything.
Ana wants to buy Grey a gift, and we all cringe because we remember the last time she bought him a gift. She has an idea, but she needs Josecob’s help, so she calls him. He’s super confused by the call, and immediately wonders if something is wrong. It takes me a while to figure out that it’s because he’s on the west coast of the US and she’s in France. SHE JUST CALLED HIM IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT. And then she gets pissy when he’s less than enthusiastic about her being less than honest about where she is and what she’s doing. WORST. FRIEND. EVER. I guess it’s a good thing we don’t hear the rest conversation they have though, because it’s time for another PARAGRAPH BREAK.
Two hours later, Ana is returning to the boat. She heads to her room to wrap Grey’s gift. He sneaks up on her just as she finishes wrapping it. Then Ana gives him the gift she bought for him with his own money. It’s a Nikon. UGH. I just bought a Nikon, you guys, and when I announced that on Twitter, the Canon folk came out to tell me I totes should’ve gone with a Canon. No one who spent a grand on a camera wants to hear that. (S: On behalf of the Canon folk, though, I totally sent you an email to clarify that it’s, “I SPENT A GRAND ON THIS CAMERA AND IT’S THE BEST AND ONLY CAMERA FOR ANYONE EVER. So. There’s that.) AND NOW THIS. No, this has nothing to do with the quality of the camera, BUT UGH, YOU GUYS. ANA BOUGHT A NIKON. (S: Sucks to be you, though.)
And why did she buy him a whole fucking Nikon? SO HE CAN TAKE NAKED PICTURES OF HER.
Also, to be clear, Ana called Josecob in the middle of the night to be all, “hey, I’m buying my super rich husband, the one you don’t really like at all, a camera with his own money so he can take naked pictures of me. I’m disturbing your slumber to ask which one you think I should get him.” I WOULD KILL ANY OF MY FRIENDS DEAD.
Sweeney: 1430.
Lor: Grey wonders why Ana would think he’d want to take naked pictures of her. Before he always took pictures of women as an “insurance policy,” basically so he could blackmail them and they wouldn’t go to the police. I’m pretty sure that’s why. He thinks, “I’ve objectified women for so long.” To the untrained eye, that might look like some sort of confession of wrong doing, but it’s a very plain statement. Like, “I’m been murdering girls for years.”…okay? He’s not acknowledging that it’s wrong in any way just simply stating that it is a thing that happened and perhaps confessing that the pictures were in fact objectifying women.
Sweeney: Because he is the absolute worst.
Lor: He admits that he’s super confused and Ana starts panicking about why he could be confused.
“My mind starts racing. He hasn’t seen Flynn in nearly three weeks. Is that it? Is that the reason he’s unraveling? Shit, should I call Flynn? And in a possibly unique moment of extraordinary depth and clarity, it comes to me – the fire, Charlie Tango, the Jet Ski… He’s scared, he’s scared for me, and seeing these marks on my skin must bring that home. He’s been fussing about them all day, confusing himself because he’s not used to feeling uncomfortable about inflicting pain. The thought chills me.“
GOD FORBID HE FEEL BAD ABOUT DAMAGING YOUR BODY. This is some serious victim blaming.
Ana clarifies for Grey that she doesn’t care about the marks on her wrists and ankles. She had fun with the rough sex and she totally had a safeword. I don’t think a safeword counts in this instance because she didn’t know he was bruising her so she couldn’t stop it. The stupid fucking bruises weren’t an “oops.” They weren’t a BDSM thing either, which I’m sure is something that happens just because of the nature of the kink, and that’s fine if that’s your thing/you give consent. He marked her to keep her from showing off her body. THAT IS ABUSE. And now Ana feels bad that he feels bad. I cannot even tell you how angry this makes me.
Sweeney: At the beginning of book two, we were horrified that their five second break-up ended and they got back together because Grey straight up blamed Ana for not using/remembering the safe word during the Actual-NO-JK Abuse! Abuse! Abuse! scene at the end of the first book. She has now come all the way around to fully internalizing that victim blaming and pulling it on herself.
What I find especially horrifying about these Ana moments is that she, like Bella, is the sort of nondescript narrator who exists solely for the reader to wear her like pants, as The Oatmeal put it, and live out her fantasies with her dream guy. Let’s set aside how deplorable the dream guy is, because what this means is that millions of women are eating this internalized-victim-blaming bullshit up. Devouring it and asking for more. Seeing and accepting this kind of logic as your go-to choice for fiction is how women become not only complicit in but active contributors to rape culture. When Anastasia Steele represents your understanding of how a woman should behave in such an abusive relationship, you can’t be trusted not to perpetuate disgusting messages. Thanks, friends!
Lor: It’s much easier to jump up in arms and angry-feminist-roar when the effects of rape culture are explicit. You are absolutely right, however, about it starting as a grassroots effort of a conglomerate of things, including the blind acceptance of this sort of appalling fictional content. And women (and men) are accepting and spreading this gospel.
Back to the story: Grey doesn’t say anything even as Ana keeps insisting that she’s fine and the bruises mean nothing. Finally, Ana breaks the awkward silence by taking out the camera that’s ready to take pictures thanks to the salesperson who apparently charged the battery for her and everything, and starts taking pictures of Christian, saying that she’ll just have to objectify him. This makes Grey smile. Then he teases that the gift was supposed to be for him.
“Well, it was supposed to be fun, but apparently it’s a symbol of women’s oppression.”
It’s a symbol of the way your stupid husband oppressed and objectified women, so yeah.
Sweeney: I can’t even handle this book making jokes about shit like that.
Lor: Grey tries to “joke” about how he can oppress Ana so hard if that’s what she wants and then gets insta-sad when Ana “jokes” that he already frequently oppresses her. I swear to God these are the types of jokes being made right now.
Grey is only upset for about two seconds before he’s flipping her over on the bed and tickling her until she’s screaming and begging him to stop. Then he comments on how beautiful she is, which I find hilarious, because I just think about how much I HATE being tickled. I’m with Grumpy Cat here and I’m going to go ahead and guess that Ana looked about this beautiful:
This of course all turns into sexy times. The “highlight” is Ana saying, “he tastes so good and smells of Christian, my Christian.” She feels it necessary to clarify that Christian smells of, you know, himself and not some other Christian!
Sweeney: Excellent. Also: Stalker Boyfriend came from a Movember ad. If that guy is an actual actor who attempts some sort of actual career, I will feel bad for him, as we have created a small section of the internet that will never be able to mentally separate him from Stalker Boyfriend. Sorry, random dude. But not really, because it was worth sacrificing your nascent career.
Lor: The rest is par for the course: Grey needs Ana, it’s primal, it’s religious, her orgasm is the biggest one ever for real for real, it’s over.
After that whole paragraph and a half, Ana asks Grey what’s wrong with him but he won’t talk. Suddenly inspired, Ana starts reciting their vows, and it includes a bit about being each other’s solace in times of need. She asks him to please let her be his solace, so she won’t break her vows. I’m just going to point out that the vows also include “protect, trust and respect you,” which Grey has done about 0% of. Nice job not even making it through the honeymoon, bastard.
Grey admits that the fire at his office we’ve been hearing about every couple of sentences was arson, and that probably someone is out to get him. Though the fire in the server room seems like an act targeted to his company, he’s worried the arsonist we all know is Jack will come after Ana next. I really hope Jack wasn’t trying to kill Grey. By setting fire to his server room. While he was on vacation. These two idiots are never going to die.
Like he can hear me, Grey goes on to say that Ana will be the death of him and that the sight of her riding a jet ski almost killed him. Ana says she’s an adult and wonders when he’s going to learn that she’s tougher than she looks. He gives her a “never!” shrug so she changes the subject back to the arson/possible worst murder plan ever/maybe someone really just hates server rooms. But only for a second, because there are more important things to think about like tickling. Ana tries to tickle Grey and he grabs her and tells her not to, because he was never tickled as a child so… He doesn’t know how to be tickled?
Sweeney:
Lor: They cuddle and Ana just casually is all, “so, hey. What’s the longest you’ve gone without seeing your psychotherapist?” Pil.low.Talk. Write that one down for your next post-coital session. Grey suggests having a bite to eat.
After a SECTION BREAK we’re a the Palace of Versailles meaning EL James just pushed us into an oncoming flashback. Ana gives us some details about it I’m sure are totally inaccurate but I’m too lazy to actually research. She also opines that the Hall of Mirrors is the most stunning room in the palace.
This flashback has no actual purpose, except that Grey says that he would buy Versailles for Ana because she looks pretty in it. OKAY.
SECTION BREAK back to dinner and Ana admits that she was thinking about Versailles. See that seamless transition there?
Sweeney: Grey tells Ana that they have only two days left on their honeymoon and I want to cry because who knows how many chapters it will take E. L. James to cover two whole days of non-events.
Lor: Who knows. It could be two sentences, OR THE REST OF THIS BOOK. #shots
Grey heads off to check his emails and Ana decides to do the same. She’s got emails from her mom and Katherine Kavanagh asking about how the honeymoon is going. Also, Ana refers to the fire at Grey’s office again, but she uses the abbreviation for his company: GEH.
GEH!
I laugh for too long at this and it is now the disgusted noise I will make at all the shit that happens henceforth.
Sweeney: It‘s fantastic. We take our happiness where we can find it here.
Lor: AND THEN! Ana receives an email from Kate so she jumps onto her “newfound toy” Skype and uses it to instant message Kate. We get a super awesome transcription of their messages which contains absolutely no new information but just reminds us for the painful-billionth time that there was a fire at Christian’s office. Also, apparently Ana drunkenly told Kate everything about the dom/sub aspect of her relationship with Grey.
SECTION BREAK over to Ana in the Hall of Mirrors in a dream that is supposed to be a nightmare, but all that happens is that the Hall of Mirrors looks gray and there is a man standing nearby. She wakes up in a panic and Grey comforts her.
GEH.
On a final note: This is our 300th post! Which, of course it would be a Fifty Shades post, but also: 300! That’s enough posts to hold off a Persian army for a little while before all dying. Something like that. As always, thanks for reading, thanks for sharing and thanks to all the lovely Traumateers who add so much to our posts by commenting. You all rock and I would never call you in the middle of the night to ask gift buying advice. <3
Murmur Count – 15
Whisper Count – 10
Favorite comment last post: “Her Complete Works of Charles Dickens” – I suspect E.L James doesn’t know the names of any books by Charles Dickens and it was too much work to ‘fire up that Google’ to find out… – Regina
Next time on Fifty Shades Darker: Grey and Ana return home and have lunch with his parents. Keep up with these thrilling developments in Chapter 5.
I'm a 30-something south Floridan who loves the beach but cannot swim. Such is my life, full of small contradictions and little trivialities. My main life goals are never to take life too seriously, but to do everything I attempt seriously well. After that, my life goals devolve into things like not wearing pants and eating all of the Zebra Cakes in the world. THE WORLD.
Nicole is the co-captain of Snark Squad and these days she spends most of her time editing podcasts. She spends too much time on Twitter and very occasionally vlogs and blogs. In her day job she's a producer, editor, director, and sometimes host of educational YouTube channels. She loves travel, maps, panda gifs, and semicolons. Writing biographies stresses her out; she crowd sourced this one years ago and has been using a version of it ever since. She would like to thank Twitter for their help.
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