Buffy the Vampire Slayer S05 E06 – I like you.

Previously: Buffy discovered that Dawn isn’t really her sister, but The Key – a mysterious thingamajig that a crazy blonde woman named Glory who likes to stick her fingers in people’s heads is looking for. Also, The Magic Box opened to booming crowds, leading to Giles hiring Anya.

Family

Kirsti: We open in the Bigger on the Inside Dorm Room which is what I’m gonna go ahead and insist on calling Willow and Tara’s room. (L: Another nickname for the Nickname Graveyard then. I’d pour out wine in its honor, but LOL. I’m not wasting wine.) (Fair) Tara’s telling Willow a story while Miss Kitty Fantastico plays on the floor. Willow gets sleepy, and Tara asks if she can keep the light on to look up some spells. Willow makes an Eyebrows of Innuendo comment about how she doesn’t need to be snuggled, and then asks why Tara’s been studying spells so much. Tara says that she a) needs to keep up with Willow, and b) likes to be useful to the Scoobies. It’s pretty much adorable.

She then wonders if Buffy found anything at the factory, and Willow figures that they’d have gotten a phone call if she had.

With that, we Segue Magic over to the Summers’ residence where Buffy and Giles are sitting in the dark. She’s filling him in on the whole Dawn’s-not-my-sister thing, and he’s flabbergasted.

Lorraine: Things are about to go bad on the shitty parenting scale, so can I preface that with a little squee over how fantastic it is that Buffy is sharing this with Giles so immediately? There was a time when she would’ve kept this to herself for a bit, and I just love to see them functioning cohesively.

Sweeney: AGREED. Scooby cohesiveness of any variety is my favorite thing of all. While the writers often sacrificed Joyce as a parent, they did so in large part because Buffy really does have an amazing parental figure in Giles. This scene was heartbreaking in the best way.

K: YES. So much.

Giles asks if Buffy’s going to tell Dawn, and she says she can’t – they have to protect her. He suggests that given Glory’s strength, perhaps they should send Dawn away. Like maybe to their dad’s. “Yeah, he’s…um. In Spain. With his secretary. Living the cliche. I called him when Mom got sick, he hasn’t even…….” Buffy replies, and I’m pretty sure we should now name the shittiest parent on the planet award after Hank Summers. Because when your nineteen year old daughter calls to say that her mother is in hospital and that she’s taking care of her fourteen year old sister alone, YOU CALL THE FUCK BACK.

Sweeney: You haven’t been hanging out in Rosewood with us (or OMG all the CT books),  but Traumaland really has seen worse. But yeah, he’s fucking awful. We like to think of ourselves as experts on how not to parent.

K: I think it’s highly likely that my hatred for Hank Summers and my assessment of him as the Shittiest Parent on the Planet is due in large part to future events that shall go unmentioned for Lor’s sake…

Buffy follows up the my-dad-is-a-dickhead award by telling Giles how she can remember that when Hank left, Dawn cried for a week. Except that she didn’t because she’s like two months old. But the memories FEEL real. Giles looks like he wants to hug all the hugs, and asks if they should tell the others. Buffy says no, on account of they’d probably act weird around Dawn. Giles says that they need to find out who Glory is and why she needs Dawn. With that, we Segue Magic back to the now destroyed factory. Glory throws a crapton of rubble off herself, and there’s not even a scratch on her. “Okay, now I’m upset,” she says. Roll credits.

After the credits, we’re over at the dorms. Riley and Xander are helping Buffy move all her stuff out. We head inside where the rest of the Scoobies and Dawn are helping with the packing process. Anya’s pissed because they literally just moved Buffy in there.

Sweeney: I love that Giles outright says he saw himself in a patriarchal role. He said it as a joke, but IT’S ONLY FUNNY BECAUSE IT’S TRUE, GILES. <3

K: Xander and Riley rough house a little, and Tara grins at them. Giles tells them to stop, but it’s not until Buffy steps in that they actually do. It’s basically one big the-Scoobies-are-a-family festival, and YES, GOOD. Xander says he can’t believe that Buffy would give up having a dorm room the size of hers and Willow’s from last year, but all to herself corner suite, and she replies that with Joyce being sick, and Sunnydale being teeny weeny, she’s decided that it’s for the best that she move home.

Buffy’s feeling the fight with Glory, and the Scoobies are all “You’ll take her next time!” cheer squad-y. Tara, bless her heart, makes a joke that’s only funny if you study really obscure wicca stuff and then looks embarrassed when everyone goes “…whut.” She heads out with some boxes and a “Welp, nice try, me” face that I know all too well from personal experience.

Lor: I loved all the Scooby family time, but it also gave me immense Tara-feels. You need not be a Wicca-nerd to relate to being embarrassed by your ill-timed nerd humor. Internet-fist-pound for solidarity, Tara.

Sweeney: See: any of the million times a day we unthinkingly reference all. the. TV. we watch “for the internet.”

K: Truth. Back in the dorm room, Willow takes advantage of Tara being gone to be all “Okay, we’re meeting at the Bronze.” The gang are all confused because that’s apparently their default setting in this scene, and Willow’s all “OMG, you suck. It’s Tara’s birthday tomorrow.” It’s obvious that they’ve all forgotten, but they cover it moderately well and say that they can still make it. Buffy adds that she could use a break from all the craziness.

That’s our cue to head over to a new and exciting crazy patient being admitted to the hospital. Ben appears and asks the doctor pushing the gurney what the story is. It’s the same as all the others – no history of mental problems, just spontaneous Glory-induced insanity.

Lor: Woohoo! Crazy people are a thing and I wasn’t just being overly aware of crazy people! 

K: You’re super good at this game.

Ben’s shift is over, so he heads into the locker room. He takes off his shirt, giving us a gratuitous abs shot of George-Wickham-in-the-Lizzie-Bennet-Diaries proportions, and then the camera pans away across the locker room. A gross looking demon with a forked tongue that looks oddly like Gene Simmons in KISS make up walks into the frame, heading towards Ben. All of a sudden, a hand drags it backwards. “I need a favour…” Glory says.

Over at the Magic Box, Anya is being terrifyingly peppy around the customers. Giles asks her to tone it down so that they don’t scare them away. She’s basically high on capitalism, and it’s kind of adorable. Xander and Buffy turn up, talking about how they’d totally forgotten about the party but it’s important to Willow and they should be there on account of they’re not super shitty friends. Maybe I added that last part. Xander heads over to the counter to mack on Anya while Buffy asks Giles if he’s had any luck finding out about Glory. He says he’s narrowed it down, and the camera pans over a table full of open books. “Your definition of narrow is impressively wide,” Buffy says.

Giles asks for more information about Glory, and Buffy’s only ideas are a) she looks like she dyes her hair, and b) she was a lot like Cordelia. This hurts, because Cordy is such a fucking fantastic character over on Angel now, but to Buffy, she’s still that bitchy girl from high school who was everything Buffy secretly wanted to be – popular, cheerleader, prom queen, etc etc etc.

Lor: Conversely, whenever Buffy is mentioned anywhere near Cordelia, she’s groaning because (1)- they were never BFF’s and now never will be and (2) her relationship with Angel makes her more sympathetic to him and his side of the Magic Vagina story.

I love this crossover magic sort of detail SO MUCH.

Sweeney: YES. To all of that. It’s interesting to watch both characters grow/evolve with these occasional reminders of how static their concepts of each other are.

K: Good point. It kind of makes me sad that (spoiler alert) the two of them never interact again. There’s still crossover magic, don’t worry about that. There’s just no Buffy and Cordy overlap.

Buffy and Xander sit down to start researching, and Buffy asks him what he got Tara for her birthday. He reveals that his “I totally remembered about the party and have a present and everything!” from earlier was a dirty lie. They discuss how they don’t really know Tara, or understand her, and they have no idea what she’d want for her birthday other than a Willow, and she’s already got one of them. But she’s SUPER nice, which apparently makes it okay for them to not know anything about the person they’ve been hanging out with for a year? IDK. Buffy slams her book shut and mopes that she has a present buying headache. Xander advises that she head out to the training room and do some training to work out the tension.

With that, we Segue Magic over to Spike’s crypt where Buffy’s beating the crap out of him. There are a bunch of gymnastic style kicks from both of them, which would be impressive except that it’s more like a really sad game of Spot the Stunt Double.

Lor: I just kept seeing everything super sexually. “You would punch her so close to the groin, Spike,” and etc.

K: It culminates in Spike saying “You want me, Slayer? Come and get me,” and Buffy replying “Oh, I’m coming. I’m coming right.” The “now” of that sentence, however, comes from Harmony, who’s doing a very different type of coming in bed with Spike. Apparently he’s been indulging in a little mid-shag fantasy. Harmony asks him what he’s thinking about, and he’s all “You. Totally you. Yep. Definitely thinking about you.”

Back at the Magic Box, Giles asks if they’ve made any progress. Xander wibbles about present ideas, and Giles is all “……YOU’RE IN A MAGIC SHOP. SHE’S A WITCH. JOIN THE DOTS.”

Sweeney: He calls them both profoundly stupid, which made me smile because it made me smile when he called himself profoundly stupid in 4×21 when the gang finally wised up to the Spike mindfuck.

K: Parallels FTW.

Xander says that maybe they should get her a crystal ball, even though it’s hella cheesy, and Giles replies “You’d bloody well better not! I’ve already got mine wrapped.” Just then, a young redneck-y looking guy appears, and starts asking weird questions about the books. They’re all “Uhhhhh, why are you here??” That particular question is solved when Tara and Willow walk in, and the redneck-y guy says “You don’t have a hug for your big brother?” Fade to black.

After the Not Commercial Break, Tara’s stutter returns as she introduces her brother, Donny, to the gang. He says that they came down in the camper for her birthday, and Tara’s all “We???” With that, the door opens and an older man and a girl Tara’s age come in. The older man is Tara’s father, and they hug really awkwardly. The girl is Amy Adams and I can’t get over the fact that someone who’s been nominated for four Oscars and is an actual Disney princess was in BtVS. I mean, seriously. Go figure.

Lor: I squee’d a fair bit! Amy Adams gif to demonstrate!

Sweeney: A+ squee. Amy Adams gives good squee.

K: She’s so perfect in Enchanted. Like, OMG.

ANYWAY. Amy Adams is Tara’s cousin. There are more awkward introductions, and then Tara’s father asks if she’ll have dinner with them. She agrees, a little reluctantly, and her family leave, claiming that the camper is double parked. After they leave, Willow’s all “Soooo. That was your family, huh?” Tara blows it off a little, while Xander and Buffy exchange significant looks in the background.

Cut to Buffy arriving home. She and Riley suck face a little, before he says that he’s spent the day putting all her stuff away because he likes it when she owes him favours *Eyebrows of Innuendo*  a) EW, and b) that would drive me nuts because I wouldn’t know where to find anything if someone else put all my stuff away. NOPE.

Lor: I feel so bad for Riley when she calls him the god of boyfriends. HIS ENTIRE EXISTENCE IS BEING BUFFY’S BOYFRIEND. Get you a hobby, boy.

K: A+. Luckily, Dawn appears to interrupt the follow up conversation about how the favour may involve OUTFITS *Eyebrows of Innuendo*

Dawn says that she’s going to a friend’s house. I can’t help but snigger, because she’s wearing a t-shirt, rolled up trousers, and sneakers, but is carrying a handbag over her arm like she’s the Queen. Fun fact: the Queen uses her handbag to signal her minders. Like, “This person is boring, get rid of them” or “One is ready to return to the castle” or “One must make use of the little regents’ room. Please create a distraction while I absent myself.” Probably not that last one.

Anyway, Buffy’s all “NO. YOU CAN’T LEAVE THE HOUSE,” and Dawn throws a minor shitfit. Riley asks WTF just happened, but Buffy’s not spilling the beans. Riley suggests that maybe the government could help, and Buffy’s all “NOPE. NOT EVEN EVER,” and Riley looks hurt. He storms out, and she’s all “Uh. What the hell was that?”

Lor: Pay attention, B. The end is nigh.

K: We head over to Tara’s dorm room, which she apparently still has despite the fact that everything else this season has indicated that she was living with Willow? IDK. Anyway, her dad is there. He’s all “Ew, wicca stuff” and “I hoped you’d get over it by now.” Then he says that it’s her 20th birthday soon, and she knows what that means. Tara stutters a little, and he asks if her friends know. She says yes, and he’s all “Pff, as if.” Then he says that she’s to come home with them because, “You can’t control what’s going to happen. You have evil inside of you and it will come out.” He then says that he doesn’t feel like having dinner, says that they need to leave by morning, and basically just leaves her standing there. Ugh. This show really does have the worst parents ever…

Over at Glory’s, she’s got the Gene Simmons Demon handcuffed to a coatrack. She grills him for information about a certain short, super strong blonde girl, and he responds in grunts. Apparently she’s a Parselmouth for demon grunts, because she says “A Slayer? Oh God, please don’t tell me I was fighting a vampire slayer! How unbelievably common! If I had friends, and they heard about this…“.

She asks the Gene Simmons Demon to gather some friends and go kill Buffy, because of reasons.

Back at Tara’s, Willow turns up saying that there’s a Scooby meeting. Tara’s all “Yeah, they don’t need me for that,” but Willow says that she needs to be there. She then suggests that maybe they could try the demon locator spell again – the one they did last year where Tara hid her half of the magic dust under a table. Tara’s all “that didn’t work and by the way I’m really sleepy so you should probably go.” Willow’s hurt, and leaves reluctantly. Tara pulls out a bunch of books and starts flipping through them, looking increasingly desperate.

Cut to the Magic Box. The gang sit down at the table and Giles starts his update as the camera pans past them towards the training room where Tara’s lurking. She whispers a spell – “Blind Cadria, desolate queen, work my will upon them all. Your curse upon them, my obeisance to you” – and blows a handful of red dust into the room. The dust turns into magic floaty tendrils that hit each member of the Scoobies who all stop briefly, then resume their previous conversation. Fade to black.

Lor: This won’t end well! I only say that because magic never ends well, and yet…

K: Pretty much exactly. After the Not Commercial Break, we’re at Willy’s Bar. The bartender tells someone offscreen that they shouldn’t be there, because they have a reputation with demons and are going to get themselves killed. The camera pans around to show us that Riley’s lack of a place in the world has led him to the lowest of the low – drinking at a demon dive bar every night. A girl sits down beside him and introduces herself as Sandy. She starts flirting with him, suggesting they go somewhere less divey. Riley says that his heart belongs to another, and also he doesn’t date vampires. Womp womp.

Over at Spike’s TARDIS crypt, he’s fondling the blonde wigged mannequin head that he found at the tip in the episode with two Xanders.

Lor: There is just so, so much strange in that one sentence. Never change, Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Never change.

K: It’s worse than Doctor Who sometimes, it really is. Harmony walks in, and he throws the head to the ground in a not even remotely stealthy fashion. Harmony’s basically acting like a 1950s housewife – she’s been clothes shopping and ran into another vampire who filled her in on all the gossip. Namely, that the Gene Simmons Demon is gathering his friends to go kill Buffy. Spike jumps up and leaves, saying that if Buffy’s going to die, he wants to watch.

Cut to Contrivance U. Tara’s walking across campus when she bumps into Amy Adams. Amy Adams is perfectly pleasant until Tara mentions that she’s not coming back with them. Then she gets called a selfish bitch, and she has a father and a brother who need looking after, and that Amy Adams can’t wait until the Scoobies find out the truth about Tara. Tara says that they won’t find out the truth, and Amy Adams is all “What, like you did a spell or something? OH MY GOD, YOU DID A SPELL. YOUR DAD’S GONNA FLIP.” Tara stutters that it was just so her friends wouldn’t see the demon part of her. DUN DUN DUUUUUUUUUUUUN.

Lor: Ugh, strange. This was like a BIG REVEAL, yeah? Tara is part demon, SAY WUH? But it was delivered so padded in a conversation that it didn’t quite have the DUH DUN DUN effect Kirsti’s caps lock and extra u’s might imply. Mostly I went, “nah. I ain’t buying it.”

K: The first time I watched this, I wouldn’t even have picked up on where they were going with the whole Tara’s-got-a-secret thing if they hadn’t shown that convenient “Remember that time Tara made the demon locator spell go kablooey?” recap at the start. Cut back to the Magic Box. Buffy’s in the training room stretching. Willow’s out front and hears a noise. She opens the door, and there are three Gene Simmons Demons standing there. Except Willow can’t see anything, and just shuts the door. The demons grin as we fade to black.

Lor: SEE? BAD MAGIC. BAD.

Sweeney: Keeping up that A+ in TV, I see.

K: Back at Contrivance U, Amy Adams is guilt tripping Tara some more. She looks understandably mopey.

Magic Box: Dawn plays with a…magical snow globe??…while a Gene Simmons Demon sniffs her hair. Ew. The other GSDs wander through the shop and then hear Buffy training. They head into the training room, but her spidey senses are tingling. When one swings at her, she blocks it, but then gets knocked to the floor because she can’t see what she’s fighting.

Sweeney: It was a cool moment to demonstrate how much more BAMFy she’s gotten with all the training.

K: Very much so. She screams for Giles, and Xander runs for the training room. A GSD stops him, knocks him down and starts strangling him as the others look on in confusion. Willow grabs a chair and hits the invisible GSD, which releases Xander. But they have no idea where it’s gone. It throws Willow across the room, and Giles makes Dawn hide under a table.

Lor: MAGIC BOX DESTRUCTION. That shit’s gonna cut down on your bottom line, Giles.

K: But it’s okay because now that Xander works in construction, he can provide free labour and massively reduce the damage bill! In the training room, Buffy’s fighting for her life. Spike appears and watches with a grin as she struggles against a GSD. But when a second one goes to attack her, he rolls his eyes and joins the fight.

Lor: He’s just a hopeless romantic, isn’t he? Mostly though, I LOVE that Buffy is fighting an invisible demon. Kick. Ass.

Sweeney: Fighting and holding her own! Because she is the coolest. 

K: It’s kind of like when she fought Der Kindestad in season 2, except with less flu and less disgusting eyeball stuff! Buffy throws the first GSD into a wall, breaking its neck, then runs towards the Magic Box. Spike, on the ground with the second GSD in a headlock, yells “YOU’RE WELCOME” as she passes. The gang are flailing uselessly against empty air, with no idea where the demon is. Buffy tells them all to shut up so she can use her spidey senses. Luckily, Tara walks in the door and yells to Buffy that the demon is behind her. Buffy spins around, but the GSD throws her across the table. Meanwhile, in the training room, Spike grabs something that looks very much like a hunga munga with added wooden stakes out the side, and kills the second GSD. Two down, one to go.

Back in the Magic Box, Buffy asks Tara where the demon’s gone to. Realising what she’s done, Tara lifts the spell as the demon attacks Buffy. As the spell lifts, the demon turns and knocks Tara to the ground. Buffy attacks, but it throws her again. Just then, Tara’s family walk in. The GSD rushes at Tara’s dad, but Buffy – still on the ground – trips it, then snaps its neck. Tara’s dad looks grossed out.

He asks what the hell it is, and Spike appears from the training room to fill in the gaps. Tara looks guilty, and tells Willow that she was trying to hide what she is. Buffy’s all “Huh?”, and Tara’s dad says “Demon. The women in our family…have demon in them. Her mother had it. That’s where the magic comes from. We came to take her home before…well, before things like this started happening.” He insists that they know how to take care of her little problem, and that she needs to leave with them.

Willow, by this point, is horrified and teary. She asks Tara if everything’s been a lie, and Tara cries as she says that it wasn’t. Willow asks if she wants to leave, and Tara shakes her head. Her father gets all “I KNOW WHAT’S BEST, SHE’S COMING WITH US”, and says that he hopes it’s clear to everyone that she belongs with her family. “It is,” says Buffy. “You want her, Mr. Maclay? You can go ahead and take her.”  Tara looks defeated, but Buffy continues: “You just gotta go through me.” Tara’s dad is all “LOL, WHUT”, and Buffy repeats herself. Then Dawn joins in, saying he’ll have to come through her too. He’s all “Pff, two little girls. What the hell are you going to do?”, at which point Giles and the rest of the Scoobies step up to say he’ll have to come through them too. Except for Spike. He doesn’t care.

Lor: TEARS. TEARS IN MY EYES. I should’ve known that an episode titled, “family” would get to me, BUT LOOK. Look at this little culmination of all that “family is who you choose it to be,” set-up. I love it so much, especially when Dawn, also adopted family member, is the second to chime in.

Sweeney: What she said.

K: Yep. Tara’s dad gets pissed, saying that they have no right to interfere. “We are her bloodkin. Who the hell are you?” “We’re family,” Buffy replies, and Tara starts crying again. There’s a possibility that I tear up too. (L: SEE?)

Donny tells Tara that if she doesn’t get in the car, he’ll get all domestic violence-y (because, you know, we didn’t have enough of that shit around here yesterday), and Xander’s all “You wanna fight, bitch?” and it’s kind of fabulous. Amy Adams yells that she hopes they all like hanging out with a super gross demon, and now it’s Anya’s time to shine: “What kind of demon is she? There’s a lot of different kinds. Some are very, very evil. And some have been considered to be useful members of society.” Tara’s family look taken aback, and don’t have an answer.

Lor: The proud smile to Xander is the best. EVERYONE IS JUST SO GREAT.

Sweeney: It’s true. They’re all really on point this episode. Possible exception would be the general lack of cares that Buffy and Xander had about Willow, but that’s been a thing for a while and this episode is all about addressing it, so it was necessary. So, yeah, there are so many amazing moments from everybody throughout this whole episode. Anya being smug about successful personing is always precious. It’s possibly the only time I’d ever call being smug “precious” but it is.

K: SO MUCH. 1430s for everyone. Spike joins some dots and steps up to the plate, saying “Why don’t I make this simple?” He punches Tara in the face, and they both grab their heads in pain. The Scoobies – after checking that Tara’s okay – are all “That only works on humans.” Suck it, yo. Spike fills in the gaps for the audience: “There’s no demon in there. That’s just a family legend, am I right? Just a bit of spin to keep the ladies in line. Oh, you’re a piece of work. I like you.” Tara’s dad looks pissed, and Tara tells him to leave. Amy Adams stops at the door for a last “Are you happy now?” and Tara grins in response.

Lor: I probably should’ve kept my “everyone is great” until after Spike’s bit because he is great too.

K: Truth. Cut to the Bronze. The gang are in full Tara’s birthday mode. Dawn one-ups Giles’ crystal ball with a giant broom, and it’s kind of hilarious.

A few gifs per episode | Buffy - 5x06 - “Family”

Later, Dawn fangirls over being allowed at the Bronze, although is bummed about having to have a stamp on her hand. Xander says that it’s to stop her from boozing it up, and she says “Oh please. Only losers drink alcohol.” Behind her, the gang stop and stare at her, booze in hand.

Lor: You know nothing Dawn Snow! (See? I can do it too!)

Sweeney: I stand corrected. This is only vaguely smug, I guess, but it is also entirely precious.

K: Willow pulls Tara onto the dance floor, and asks if she’s had a good birthday. The best, apparently, despite getting punched in the nose. Willow can’t believe Tara didn’t tell her about the “I might be a demon” thing, and Tara says she was worried Willow wouldn’t want to be with her if she knew.

Willow: See…that’s where you’re a dummy. I think about…what you grew up with, and…then I look at what you are. It makes me proud. It makes me love you more.
Tara: Every time I- Even when I’m at my worst…you always make me feel special. How do you do that?
Willow: Magic.

Awwwww. They’re adorable. They sway on the floor, their arms around each other and their heads on each other’s shoulders. The camera pans back to show that they’re hovering several inches off the floor, and we fade to black.

I pretty much love this episode. It takes a long time to get going, but once it does? It’s a pretty great reminder that family doesn’t end with blood, and that the family you create yourself is often more important than the one you’re born into. Looks like Giles officially has another addition to his brood of poorly parented waifs. Bless.

Lor: Agreed. I loved it for the ending family bits. I feel like the whole, “I might be a demon, no, jaykay!” was maybe a bit of a rushed thing to handle in one episode, but the episode makes up for it with fantastic character moments.

Episode:

A few gifs per episode | Buffy - 5x06 - “Family”</p><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /> <p>Spike: Oh, you’re a piece of work… I like you.<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br />

SORRY NOT SORRY. It’s just that in context, Spike is being weird in this gif. BUT THAT LIP BITE DESERVES BETTER. And it deserved to be included.

K: A+ and 1430.  

Sweeney: AGREED. It deserved to be included and it’s even better here than if you’d used it in context. (Obvs +1 and A+ and 1430 and all that goodness.)

 

Next time on Buffy the Vampire Slayer: An unexpected ending to a fight leaves Buffy rattled, and she turns to Spike for help. It’s the one we’ve all been waiting for, folks! S05 E07 – Fool for Love.

 

K (all posts)

I'm a 30-something librarian and I still live with my parents because I'm super broke. Leader of Team Heartless Cow. I have an inexplicable love for 90s television, eat too much chocolate, and read more than is good for me.





Marines (all posts)

I'm a 30-something south Floridan who loves the beach but cannot swim. Such is my life, full of small contradictions and little trivialities. My main life goals are never to take life too seriously, but to do everything I attempt seriously well. After that, my life goals devolve into things like not wearing pants and eating all of the Zebra Cakes in the world. THE WORLD.





Nicole Sweeney (all posts)

Nicole is the co-captain of Snark Squad and these days she spends most of her time editing podcasts. She spends too much time on Twitter and very occasionally vlogs and blogs. In her day job she's a producer, editor, director, and sometimes host of educational YouTube channels. She loves travel, maps, panda gifs, and semicolons. Writing biographies stresses her out; she crowd sourced this one years ago and has been using a version of it ever since. She would like to thank Twitter for their help.





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