Previously: A continued to shock us with the crazy by drugging Emily. Also, we debated Wren’s pedo factor.
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Picture This
Sweeney: The number gods are getting me back for that one time when I got an episode free of Pedzarafitz by starting this one off with Ezria in bed, getting their pedophilia on. The alarm goes off and Ezra rolls over to turn it off and when he rolls back it’s New Jason. Aria wakes up. Too late, because I can’t unsee that.
Lorraine: OKAY, RIGHT? I had an acutal, physical gag when I realized that was Ezria in a state of undress.
Sweeney: I’m glad I wasn’t alone in that.
We continue to get Pretty Little Liars in candy striper outfits, as Hanna and Emily are freaking out as they keep watch for Spencer as she searches for the missing page in Ali’s autopsy. Someone is coming and Hanna’s pretend-like-you’re-supposed-to-be-here idea is to tell Emily a story about refusing to shave an unseemly part of a patient. (Probably hands, right?)
Sara: Hey, the show is making the jokes for us now!
Sweeney: Anyway, Spencer emerges, without the missing page and continues her loud, evidence-free insistence that New Jason murdered Ali. That’s how we know he didn’t murder Ali. The elevator opens again, this time with a nurse escorting Blind!Jenna who is excitedly talking about her plans for after she can see again! (WHATEVER, I STILL THINK SHE CAN ALREADY SEE.)
Sara: Your distrust of Blind!Jenna’s blindness cracks me up every time.
Sweeney: SHHHHH.
Lor: NO YOU SHHHH. Sorry. One commenter pointed out that using “SHHH” for the credits makes it seem like we are shushing each other. It makes me want to shush more people.
Sweeney: I predict that when we all hang out next weekend, there will be a lot of random shushing, in which everyone around us assumes we are terrible friends because they don’t understand that it’s all out of love and that we are actually the best kind of friends.
In Hanna’s bedroom, Emily is throwing out all the creams and lotions because you can never be too safe, and she adds that A might not know/care which lotions belong to which girl. This shit is so dark, I can’t even handle it. Hanna freaks out in defense of a $100 cream, even though Emily points out that she stole it, so why does it matter? Hanna relents when Emily talks about the potential hairy back side effect of steroid use.
Mama Marin pops her head in to tell Hanna to call her dad, but Hanna whatevers that idea. She tries to get Emily to come downstairs and eat breakfast, but Emily is terribly afraid of eating right now, because she doesn’t know what poison A has in store for her next. THIS is what I’ve been talking about. These girls should be suffering some serious psychological trauma from this batshit crazy level of harassment. Poor Emily.
Sara: Seriously, man. She doesn’t even want to eat because of the fear of being drugged / murdered / having a car thrown at her. The fact that she’s losing it makes perfect sense. It’s about time someone realized just how serious this shit is.
Sweeney: RIGHT? Serious trauma going down here. Hanna tells Emily to just forget about how they’ve both been hospitalized and goes downstairs.
Lor: And that’s what gets me even more. Like, one thing is not wanting to tell your parents about some legit, life-threatening stalking. But they go through varying cycles of, “OMG. CAN’T SLEEP. A WILL GET ME.” to “NBD. Pancakes?”
Sweeney: Agreed. It’s frustrating to watch. I know realism isn’t this show’s thing, but SERIOUSLY?
Emily gets an A text threatening her with the evidence that she tested positive for steroids.
Sara: HOW. HOW IS A DOING THIS. A must be God. There is no other explanation.
Sweeney: Head canon accepted.
At school, Aria’s getting her verbal shrug on, telling Emily that it’s NBD and A is just trying to scare her. LADIES. WAKE THE FUCK UP. A has now hospitalized two PLLs and murdered Ian. Aria, just because A’s threats on your pedolationship never pan out because you or Ezra are probably A doesn’t mean that Emily should be anything less than terrified.
Sara: Aria and Ezra being A together is my favorite idea so far, because I have no idea how they would ever get anything done. They would probably just sit around playing “no, I love you more” all day long.
Sweeney: Anyway, Emily asks Aria about Mike, but there’s nothing new to report because Mike is refusing to talk to anyone. New Jason walks by and Emily wants to know why he’s there, and Aria fills her in on how The Great Contrivance Spirit arranged for New Jason to counsel kids on drug use so that he could be a frequent visitor to the Rosewood Totally Public Meeting Place For Private Conversations & Occasional High School. Emily also notices that Aria was smiling and blushing when she waved at him, so Aria fesses up about her sexy New Jason dream. Emily’s all, “How could you?” and even I have to defend Aria because New Jason is hot and Spencer’s murder accusations are the same thing as clearing him of murder and also Aria can’t control her subconscious. (S: +1 to all of that and a big LOL.) Emily says that while they all know how Aria loves to fix things, she’s got a boyfriend. Aria laments that pedolationships are hard.
Elsewhere, Hanna’s chatting on the phone in the middle of the cafeteria. This, by the way, is not a thing that high schools are just 100% chill with, even if she is talking to her mom. Shitbag Marin’s fiancee wants Hanna to be a bridesmaid, but she doesn’t want to do it. Ashley Marin is the classiest ever, and is trying to talk Hanna into it.
Hanna hangs up and storms over to join the other PLLs at their table. They’re a table over from Maybe Blind Jenna, and Spencer is explaining what Toby told her about Jenna’s surgery. Spencer, ever the paranoid, notes that with her vision, it’ll be easier for her to figure out that they no longer have the blackmail tape and she can therefore speak up about The Jenna Thing. This is bullshit because THEY DIDN’T DO ANYTHING. ALI FUCKING DID IT. Anyway, Hanna adds that a Jenna in possession of all five sense is probably going to be terrifying.
Sara: As if her soul-eating mouth isn’t scary enough.
Lor: I love that they are terrified of her being able to see, given how many times they just do shit out in the open and how many times she’s shown up randomly in their way. Girls, the next time you stand in front of Jenna’s window and watch her pedo-kiss Garrett, SHE’LL BE ABLE TO SEE YOU. SCARY AS SHIT.
Sweeney: After school, Spencer is on her way home and decides to stop and creep on Jason. She sees him freak out on the worker guy helping him when he starts to go into Jason’s barn/guest house. She also watches him lock the door and put the key above the door. I mean, he can’t be that invested in secrecy if he leaves the key above the door.
At the Marin house, Emily is getting some cupcakes from Samara. Right as they kiss, Ashley Marin walks in the door. Awkward. Then Samara explains that plans with her friends have to be canceled for lack of location. Ashley Marin, who continues to be a Sandy Cohen class parent jumps in to offer up their house, since she and Hanna will both be out that night. PRECIOUS. I LOVE ASHLEY MARIN. After Samara leaves, Ashley insists that this is now Emily’s house too and it’s important that she feels comfortable inviting friends over and being herself. She does add that Hanna’s no boyfriends-in-the-bedroom rule applies to Emily too, though she’s not sure how she’ll know the difference between girlfriends and girl friends. Emily promises to let her know. THIS IS THE CUTEST EVER AND ASHLEY MARIN IS THE BEST FOREVER AND EVER.
Sara: ALL THE LOVE AND SPARKLES FOR ASHLEY MARIN.
Lor: The way they smile at each other is adorable. ALL THE SPARKLES.
Sweeney: SPARKLES FOREVER. Their smiles are the thumbnail today because LOVE AND SPARKLES.
But this show doesn’t want to let me stay happy, because my karmic punishment for that Pedzrafitz-free episode continues. Aria decides that the best way to maintain their pedolationship is to have sexytimes in his office. His door doesn’t lock, so she barricades it with a chair. These two are so fucking stupid. I also don’t know what I did to deserve this.
Lor: Ezra’s reaction of “der der, pretty gurl, der” doesn’t really help me forget that I think he has the emotional maturity of , hey, I know! Someone who sat in his high school English class.
Sweeney: Hanna’s walking the streets of Rosewood at night, talking to Spencer about her latest New Jason non-evidence. She hangs up when she sees Caleb talking to the stalker cop. She asks Caleb about it and he clarifies that he wasn’t a cop, but a private investigator hired to find him by his mother.
Sara: Oh, awesome. I’m glad we wasted all last episode on thinking he was a cop. -_-
Lor: Hanna’s nail polish is great though.
Sweeney: At least there’s that!
Marin Manor. Emily and Samara are playing poker with Samara’s friends, everyone is having a blast, and Samara and Emily are being cute. Naturally, that means it’s time for A-cam and an A text. I have so many Emily feels right now. Also: can I just say that 3/4 PLLs have now been fucked with in a major, major way and it’s ARIA’S TURN.
Back at the Hastings House, Spencer is explaining the hockey stick situation to Mariska Mom, who is weird and evasive about Shitbag Hasting’s motives. She’s positive Jason wasn’t the one trying to frame Spencer with the hockey stick and adds that Shitbag is only mad about Jason’s return because the DiLaurentis family is not to be trusted. I majorly hate her refusal to talk to her daughter right now. After everything that’s happened, it’s insane that she could not find it necessary to be honest with her. The daughter who has been accused of murder is past the point of being protected from unpleasant information. UNLESS, of course, the Hastings parents are up to some shady business. It could go either way, really — shady terrible parents or just regular terrible parents?
Sara: It’s so hard to tell in this dim Traumaland light.
Sweeney: Emily calls Aria to freak out because she’s certain that somebody is outside watching them, and if those lab results get out, she’ll never be able to swim on a team again. Aria’s just chilling in Pedzrafitz’s office while he’s in class. She’s doing her usual SHRUGWHATEVER routine to Emily’s struggles. Em tells her that’s easy for her to say when it’s somebody else’s relationship being kicked around (also typical). Aria’s response: “I think I’ve had a couple pretty good kicks along the way.” I FUCKING HATE HER. Eventually, Emily has to go and leave this unhelpful conversation.
Sara: WHAT. WHAT KICKS, ARIA? Bitch, Hanna was kicked by a MF’ING CAR. Hate. All the hate.
Lor: Like, one time someone almost told her parents about her felony relationship! WAY HARSH TAI.
Sweeney: Pedzrafitz returns and is surprised that his infant girlfriend didn’t go away yet. He asks her if something’s up with her and she lies and I don’t care.
Back at Marin Manor, Emily is saying goodbye to all the other girls. She gets a “TICK TOCK” text from A, so she awkwardly tells Zoey that she “forgot something” and hands her a piece of paper with her number. Samara’s BFF Quinn is standing down the hall and sees this happen. She gives Emily a knowing look.
After a Not Commercial Break, Aria is once again in bed with Ezra, saying something about being worth the wait. Are they trying to imply that these two haven’t had sex yet? Because if so, bullshit. Oh wait, this is another New Jason dream sequence I can’t unsee. LOL, k.
Sara: On the question of whether they’ve had sex or not, I think that they are trying to let us know that they haven’t yet. DON’T CARE. STILL GROSS.
Lor: Dream scenes are still seen with eyeballs so, please stop.
Sweeney: Marin Manor, Hanna and Caleb are looking at her laptop. She’s creeped on his mom via the internet. I’m sure the tech wizard could have done that himself. He’s overwhelmed because she looks rich and happy and changes the subject when Hanna asks if he’s going to call her. He leaves to go get pizza and clear his head.
Emily goes over to Aria’s to freak out. She admits that she’s been dodging Samara’s calls. She’s called twice already even though it’s apparently early enough for Emily to apologize for coming over at that hour. Aria was already awake, though because of her New Jason sexy nightmare. “When people show up in your dreams, it’s not because they want something from you — it’s because you want something from them,” says Emily. #deep
Aria says that she has Ezra, so that’s not possible and Em gives her, “Mmhmm, bitch please,” face.
Montgomery Manse. Piper Mom and Shitbag are fighting about how to appropriately punish Mike. I don’t care about these two or this family. Shitbag does rightfully point out that Mike can’t get away with this by blaming her and adding that it’s their job to get Mike to check back in. Fine, fine, sure, sure.
As if the show heard me declaring how little I care, they decided it would be great to give me the whole father/son confrontation scene. Mike’s door is locked and he lets his dad in only to go back to bed and tell his dad to GTFO. I can’t feel bad for him when he gives his son an extended feelsy look, because I still hate him.
Marin Manor, Samara confronts Emily about the Zoey phone number situation. Emily tries to insist that she was just trying to be friends with Zoey, but Samara’s not buying it. She says that until Emily gives her a real answer, she can’t do this.
Sara: Emily is a terrible liar for being on a show called Pretty Little Liars. She really needs to get better at that.
Sweeney: Montgomery Manse. New Jason comes over to give Aria the number for a guy he knows at the youth center. He puts an awkward consoling hand on her shoulder, and she’s all, “AHH HANDS ON SHOULDERS LEADS TO DREAM SEX!” and lies about having tests tomorrow. Given that she never actually attends classes, she doesn’t realize that the next day is Sunday and can’t even correctly match the names of her teachers to the subjects they teach. She shoos New Jason out the door, though, and he creeper watches as she promptly tosses the books back on the table once he’s gone.
Lor: These girls all suck at lying. You pretend to study for at least a minute after you’ve lied, girl.
Sweeney: Hanna finds Caleb sitting on a swing and teases him about being a terrible delivery guy. She sits so that he can get his Wolfy Bad Boy Brood on. He says that she can’t make up for the fact that she had two other sons while he was suffering in foster care. Hanna tells him that he should at least talk to her and find out what really happens for the sake of getting his own sense of closure. They sit on the swings in silence holding hands and I have Haleb feels.
Spencer is telling Emily how antsy she is to get over to New Jason’s sort-of locked barn thing, but Emily’s not really paying attention to anything but her cell phone picture of Samara. They’re waiting for her mom to leave and Spencer’s trying to come up with all sorts of reasons why she needs to leave immediately. Reminding her of Melissa’s mood/blood sugar finally does the trick because she loves her first daughter the most. Once she’s gone, Spencer and Emily head over to do a little B&E.
Montgomery Manse. Aria’s parents are setting the table for dinner and Papa Montgomery is having feels about his brother who was apparently super fucked up and he is afraid that Mike is just like his super fucked up brother, but Piper Mom gives as many fucks as her daughter would. For the record, his attempt at parenting isn’t really making me like him more, just her less.
Lor: Seriously. She could’ve at least placed a New Jason Consoling Hand on Shoulder. Jeez.
Sweeney: Inside New Jason’s not locked barn we find a dark room. That’s a pretty legit reason to tell a worker to stay out during the daytime. Also? A series of ridiculously creepy close up shots of Aria’s face. They also find a ton of surveillance equipment, which leads Emily to question whether he’s been spying on them the whole time. They hear a noise and run out because New Jason is home, but Em drops her flashlight. They watch from the bushes as Jason goes inside. He spots one of the pictures on the floor, as well as the dropped flashlight. The zoomy camera man does a weird JUMPZOOM thing that, coupled with the red light, makes him look extra murdery. I never trust any of the editors of this show, so I’m sure The Great Contrivance Spirit will craft some amazingly innocuous explanation for all of this, but it looks #creepyasshit right now.
Marin Manor. Hanna answers the door, telling Caleb he’s arrived just in time to watch some Katy Perry, but Wolfy Bad Boys don’t watch Katy Perry. He’s there to tell her that he called his mom and he looks like he’s about to cry telling her how great the conversation was. He does start crying when he says that she said his voice sounds just like his father’s. They also decided that he’s flying to California THAT NIGHT, which seems psychotically contrived and rushed. You really can’t wait until tomorrow to fly clear across the country? Hanna is really supportive, but they both get teary about what this is going to mean for them. OMG. ALL THE HALEB FEELS. He promises her that she is a very good reason for him to come back. His stupid mom also arranged a car for him so Hanna can’t even drive him to the airport. Fuck this lady and her Haleb ruining. I hate her. They exchange their first, “I love you”s and cry and kiss and cry and have feels. Caleb leaves.
Lor: Getting teary over Haleb at work would be lame, right? ‘Cause I totally didn’t.
Sweeney: TOTALLY DIDN’T EVEN HAPPEN.
Outside, Aria’s walking home when Jason pulls over to creep on her some more. He mentions that he had to get a padlock for his shed, and says that he needs to talk to her about something.
We pan over to see that Garret and Blind!Jenna are in a nearby car watching them, establishing that these two are friends. Garret is Fine Maybe She Is Blind Jenna’s eyes, and she’s pretty excited to get her vision back soon because her minion is being useless. She’s worried about them hooking up and Aria asking questions, but Garret insists that New Jason won’t remember what happened “that night” because of how he wasn’t even the actor playing Jason then. Or something like that.
Spencer is freaking out to Emily and is POSITIVE that Jason took those pictures in Aria’s bedroom while she was sleeping. That would be 800 kinds of creepy if it turns out to be true, but I have about 15% faith in Spencer’s intuition. She and Emily are desperately trying to call Aria.
Sara: On this show, 15% actually isn’t bad!
Sweeney: New Jason is explaining to Aria that while he did help Mike out because he cares about what happens to him, he was mostly in it to get some pedophile time with Aria. They kiss and she freaks out, tells him she’s taken, and runs off.
Spencer and Emily decide to go back to the shed and steal some pictures so that they convince Aria that Jason is Bad News Bears. They find that the key is gone, but the door is unlocked. Inside, the shed has been emptied, save for the flashlight, sitting in the middle of the room. DUN DUN DUN.
A-nonymous: We’re in a dark room, possibly Jason’s, developing a photo. It develops way faster than pictures actually do, for anyone whose never been in a dark room, and we see that it’s of Emily and Spencer standing outside Jason’s shed with their flashlights.
Next time: A continues to push Emily to a full-fledged meltdown and Aria confronts New Jason about his creepy photo collection on Pretty Little Liars S02 E10 – Touched by an ‘A’ngel.
Nicole is the co-captain of Snark Squad and these days she spends most of her time editing podcasts. She spends too much time on Twitter and very occasionally vlogs and blogs. In her day job she's a producer, editor, director, and sometimes host of educational YouTube channels. She loves travel, maps, panda gifs, and semicolons. Writing biographies stresses her out; she crowd sourced this one years ago and has been using a version of it ever since. She would like to thank Twitter for their help.
I'm a 30-something south Floridan who loves the beach but cannot swim. Such is my life, full of small contradictions and little trivialities. My main life goals are never to take life too seriously, but to do everything I attempt seriously well. After that, my life goals devolve into things like not wearing pants and eating all of the Zebra Cakes in the world. THE WORLD.
I'm a 30-something with three kids who spends an embarrassing amount of time watching teen television dramas. There's a whole lot of Internet out there, and I plan on reading all of it before I die.
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