Previously: WE’RE TRYING TO FORGET THOSE PEDZRIA MAKE-OUT SCENES. STOP TRYING TO MAKE US REMEMBER.
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Touched by an A-ngel
Lorraine: We start at lunch time, with Emily finding Aria to shake up our usual episode-beginning routine. It’s only the two of them as they recap last episode: New Jason and Aria kissed, and it was a mistake; New Jason had creepy pictures of Aria as his barn decor. Spencer shows up just in time to lay on a big I TOLD YOU SO on Aria. Emily lets slip that Jason and Aria kissed and Spencer’s shocked. Aria is not happy, and only responds to the, “this guy has stalker pictures of you,” with a “fine, fine. I gotta go.”
What else did we expect?
Sweeney: At least this time she’s Aria Shrugging about her own problems/potential stalker. It only annoys me when she does it to other people because she can’t be bothered to care about their shit.
Lor: She so rarely has any problems of her own.
Spencer asks Emily if she knew about New Jason and Aria (New Jaria?) and Emily says she did but she promised to keep it a secret. Spencer says some faux-deep thing about hurting people to help them, and Emily follows with a non-sequitur about the college fair. Spencer isn’t staying in school like a student usually does; she’s going home to pack up the rest of Ian’s stuff before Melissa gets home. Emily is left alone with her breakfast, and her Alphabits cereal is all A’s. She dumps the box and finds a message.
Sara: This is my second favorite A trick, right after the fortune cookie thing. How many open boxes of cereal are sitting around A’s lair right now??
Lor: SHHHHH.
Marin Manor. Ashley asks Hanna where Emily is, and Hanna says she left early for swim practice. Em’s not actually cleared to swim yet, but Hanna jokes that she sits by the pool and hopes someone will push her in. Ashley is worried about Emily and offers to give her a gift certificate for a massage.
Ashley spots a card on the kitchen counter, apparently from Papa Shitbag Marin to Hanna. She reads the card, and it’s all about how excited Papa Marin is to have Hanna participate in his wedding. Hanna tries to poo-poo the sentiment, saying it isn’t that big a deal. Ashley Good Moms that Hanna can enjoy her father’s day without worrying about her feelings. It’s supposed to be a happy day.
Sweeney: MORE SPARKLES CUPCAKES WITH RAINBOWS FOR MAMA MARIN!
Lor: Later, at school, Aria spots New Jason and decides she’s just going to walk up to him and admit that her friends broke into his Stalker Shed. WHAT IS HER MALFUNCTION? (S: ARIUGH.) When Jason is all, “hold-up. Your friends B&E’d?” her response is, “so what?” The rest of that sentiment is, “let’s get back to me.” New Jason explains that he didn’t take those pictures – Ali did. He found a roll of film at his house and developed them. Aria’s all, “then why did you hide them when my friends illegally broke into your Stalker Shed a second time?” Aria is NOT a ride or die friend. She will let you die. New Jason says he moved the equipment because it was expensive and someone broke into his shed, so duh. And the pictures were gone because he was having them framed as a gift.
Okay. That’s still creepy, New Jason, but Aria seems to find the idea of having stalker prints of herself framed acceptable. (S: Not surprised.) Aria tells Jason this all looks bad and he says, “yep.” and walks away. The camera pans a bit to the side and behind a textured window, we make out Okay Maybe She’s Really Blind Whatever Jenna’s shape. Blind but just always in the exact right location.
Sweeney: Real fucking convenient. I’m still not 100% convinced she wasn’t, like, paying off the nurses or something. Honestly, I don’t think there’s anything the show could do to convince me she’s really blind, though.
Lor: They could say, “Jenna is really blind,” and I’d be at home all, “RIGHT, RIGHT. SURE SHE IS.”
In the halls, Piper Mom spots Senora Therapy and stops her to get some quick advice on Mike, and the fact that he’s withdrawn and breaking into homes. Senora Therapy doesn’t recommend siblings see same therapist, but offers to give her a list of other therapists.
Sweeney: It’s always strange to see professional people appearing to do their jobs correctly! I’m still dubious about her for the whole keep-the-girls-apart thing, but her genuine interest in the welfare of the youths is strange but appreciated.
Lor: Pedzra Fitz is at the Rosewood Center for Adults Looking for a Little Young Lovin’ and Sometimes School. Aria spots him and gets happy until she realizes that Jackie is there with him. Ezra and Jackie talk about organizing something for the college fair, but we mostly just watch Aria’s face fall.
Sara: And it. is. wonderful.
Lor: Hanna approaches Emily and gives her the certificate for the free massage before leaving. She’s not staying at the college fair either because she has to go to a fitting for her bridesmaid dress. Plus, it leaves Emily alone to have feels over the passing swim team she isn’t a part of. Then things get shittier when everything falls out of locker. Senora Therapy happens across her just then, and notices all of Emily’s sads. Emily says she needs to tell her some stuff, and Senora Therapy suggests that she stop by her office after school.
Sweeney: Again with the genuine non-pedophile concern! Miraculous!
Lor: Hastings House. Spencer is boxing up Ian’s stuff. Her parents are nowhere in sight and have somehow deemed it a proper activity for their teenaged daughter to have to clean up after the man that tried to murder her. OKAY. (S: WORST. It’s to make things easier on Melissa. Fuck these parents.) Toby is there and finds Ian’s old yearbook. They look up his picture and notice that Ian was a member of the N.A.T Club. Spencer, master of clubs and extra-curriculars is not familiar with this club and it’s also not listed in the yearbook directory. A little more sleuthing reveals that the only other members of the N.A.T Club are Jason DiLaurentis and Garrett Reynolds. I am now convinced this is some sort of pedobear club. The National Adolescent Terrorization Club. Yeah.
Sara: Seriously, you should write this show.
Sweeney: Agreed. I refuse to accept whatever alternate version the show gives us for that acronym.
Lor: At the college fair, Aria is checking out booths and Ezra and Jackie are working at the Hollis one. Ezra escapes his booth to chat with Aria. He jokes about how Hollis College has an excellent arts program and the teachers are “hands-on.” SEE? I ALWAYS TRY TO LISTEN TO THEIR SCENES AND THEY PULL SOME OF THIS SHIT AND I QUIT. Other things are said, but I quit already so IDK. I think she confesses to kissing Jason.
Jackie comes out and asks Ezra to go fetch something from the car. Once alone, Jackie tells Aria that college will be great for her, and will help her grow up. I laugh forever.
Sara: She even nicely says, “You’ll look back and realize how naive you were,” and it is the best moment of my life right now. I want to be Jackie’s best friend.
Sweeney: JACKIE. She is quickly becoming one of my favorite characters. Also: did this make anyone else question whether Ezrafitz has a history of pedophilia and that’s the reason they broke up? I realized as I typed how insane that sounds, BUT IT’S TOTALLY PLAUSIBLE ON THIS SHOW. IT’S NOT MY FAULT; THIS IS WHAT PLL HAS DONE TO ME. (But seriously: Ezrafitz being an established pedobear would explain why he got instaboner for a kewpie doll in the bar.)
Lor: I’m with you. This is not his first time at the pedo parade.
Hanna is at her dress fitting and Mona is pretty harsh with her appraisal of the dress. Hanna tries to be positive, because she wants to make-up for the fact that she was kind of a bitch when she first met her father’s new woman. That’s very big of her, because her dad surprised her with a new family. Anyway, Hanna’s soon to be step-sister Kate shows up and invites Hanna to lunch. Hanna says they can’t go, but Mona accepts the invitation, and I’m not really sure why. Mona’s just going to do what ever leaves Hanna in the worst position, apparently.
Spencer, meanwhile, is still Nancy Drew-ing her way through more old yearbooks. She’s found no more mentions of this National Adolescent Terrorization Club. She thinks there must be more clues in Ian’s stuff and she pretty easily finds a t-shirt that says, “nos animadverto totus.” She Googles it and finds the translation: we see all, all probably meaning, “little girls changing in their room.” Spencer makes logic jumps to the fact that Jason and Garret were in on videotaping little girls and that Jason killed Alison to get those tapes back.
Sara: This story line is getting less snarky funny and more sad. These girls were only fourteen years old when they were being videoed!
Sweeney: RIGHT? The video tapes and the latest in Emily’s storyline and a few other things are just deeply disturbing. SARA, WHAT DID YOU ASK US TO WATCH HERE?
Lor: THIS WAS SUPPOSED TO BE OUR SOAPY DRAMA SHOW.
Aria is texting Ezra from a restaurant somewhere when Jason comes over and asks if he can sit with her. She hesitates.
Sara: Of course, NOW she hesitates. When before she was practically asking him to murder her.
Lor: Hanna’s lunch with the step-sister has turned into horseback riding. Hanna’s kind of embarrassing herself, but not really, because she’s amazing and anyone who doesn’t think so can suck it.
Emily’s massage is weird and there is some deep breaths and we keep getting these short scenes with her. I mean, this is the second. I ignored the first one because I didn’t know what to say about it. Weird.
At whatever restaurant, New Jason is showing Aria the stalker pictures he framed. She’s all, “omg, these shots someone took of me without my permission while I was sleeping are beautiful.” She tries to explain to him that her friends broke into his Stalker Shed because they’ve been through a lot. He replies that they are all looking for answers, which is how he came across the Aria’s face roll of film in the first place. There was a box of stuff hidden under a floor board in Ali’s old room, though he says it was nothing important. Alison just got so used to hiding everything. It’s the only thing of Alison’s he’s found. New Jason offers to let Aria check it out and she doesn’t say anything, so he jokes that maybe she’ll just wait until someone else from her family or friends tries to break into his shit.
Spencer and Toby are in town when they spot Aria and New Jason at the restaurant, looking at the pictures of Aria’s face. Toby asks if they should go in there and warn her she’s fraternizing with a card carrying member of the National Adolescent Terrorization Club, but Spencer knows Aria won’t listen to anything she has to say. She does know who Aria will listen to, however.
Hanna and Mona are trudging through some woods because they lost their horses. Hanna’s understandably cranky about the whole situation, especially since Mona lied about knowing how to ride horses to impress Kate, Hanna’s step-sister. Mona says she can’t wait for Caleb to get back because Hanna’s been a crank without him.
Sara: “You’ve been a total crank,” is a pretty hilarious insult. When I was a kid, we used the term “buttmunch.”
Lor: Cut to Emily. Her masseuse walks in all, “ready to go?” and Emily freaks out because someone was just in there with her. She was just getting a massage. On a nearby table, there is a glass of water with an A cleared into the condensation.
Sara: This is the grossest thing that has happened so far. I can’t even talk about it further, because it’s making me gaggy.
Sweeney: +1
Lor: I’ve been ignoring it or rushing by it because I cannot even handle how GROSS this is.
Ezrafitz gets into his car, and Spencer gets into the passenger side. Ezra is a bit weirded out but Spencer gets to her point: she knows about Ezria, and more importantly Aria is in trouble. We hear her continue her explanation about Jason in the background as we watch Piper Mom leaving school and spotting Spencer and Ezra in the car together.
Emily is still freaking out about the fact that A was rubbing her down, and considers giving Senora Therapy a call. Of course, she gets a message from A at that moment. “See how easy it is for me to get my hands around your neck? -A.”
After a Not Break, Aria is actually accompanying Jason to his house. They almost get to his front door when he says the box is in his Stalker Shed. He asks if she’s going to follow him, but she says she’s just going to wait for him in a less murdery area, thanks so much.
Hanna and Mona are out of the woods, and back at whatever horse riding headquarters they started at. Sorry, I know nothing about riding or where the hell they are. Hanna apologizes for snapping at Mona and explains that it just sucks that Kate and her friends have been looking down on her all day. Mona says she isn’t trying hard enough and Hanna rants about how her parents would still be together if it weren’t for Isabel and Kate and her friends can go to hell. Except, whoops, for the speaker system at the horse riding headquarters is on so everyone heard Hanna’s rant. Kate’s feelings are hurt.
Sara: This is probably a really obscure reference, but this reminded me of the Sabrina the Teenage Witch movie, where this exact same thing happens.
Sweeney: If by “obscure reference” you mean “awesome reference” then yes. Totally.
Lor: Spencer comes downstairs, but stops dead in her tracks when she sees Not Blind Until Proven Blind Jenna sitting on her couch. Jenna tells Spencer that she hasn’t kept up her end of the deal. Even though Ian’s dead and accused of Ali’s murder, Spencer is still digging and she’s using Toby’s help. Spencer tells Jenna to GTFO, and opens the back door to let her out. Jenna tells Spencer to stop digging, as it’s dangerous for her and Toby. Spencer asks if she’s supposed to believe that Jenna cares about Toby. Jenna insists that she does and Spencer all, “RIGHT. RIGHT. Thank you for reminding me of your incest-y subplot.” Jenna swallows hard, and really, she walked right into that one. Jenna walks out and Spencer calls out a, “tell Garrett I said hi,” after her. That’s what happens when you step into Spencer’s space, Jenna.
Sara: I really need a Like a Boss GIF with Spencer’s face on it.
Sweeney: I will be on the lookout for an ideal “LIKE A BOSS” scene. For now, have the only “showing bitches the door” gif you’ll ever need:
Lor: Aria is still waiting out front of Jason’s house when Ezra rolls up in his pedo-mobile. He tells Aria about Spencer telling him about Jason. Aria’s all, “oh those stalker photos? Totally legit. Jason is no threat.” Ezra says he feels threatened, though, and he doesn’t want to lose his big-eyed fetus. AND SO, he has decided they should tell people about their illegal relationship that could technically get him convicted of a felony in Pennsylvania. BUT SURE. Go tell Aria’s parents about your super totes adult relationship. Or, in fact, why don’t you make out right in front of New Jason’s house, just as he’s walking back from his Stalker Barn? Do that.
Aria nonchalantly greets Jason again and he gives her the box of Alison’s stuff he found. Aria says she has to go, and Jason gets the pedo-y hint.
Jenna meets Garrett and tells him that Spencer knows about them and that she’s looking at yearbooks, WHICH SHE COULDN’T POSSIBLY KNOW UNLESS SHE COULD SEE THE YEARBOOKS. DAMMIT.
Sweeney: EXACTLY. THERE’S NO FUCKING WAY SHE’S REALLY BLIND.
Sara: Maybe she can smell them, because of how her other senses are heightened!
Lor: Garrett wants to know what he should do, and Jenna suggests talking to Jason.
Hanna gets home and pulls out a pudding pack. She vagues a bit to her mom about the day’s disastrous events, when Papa Marin calls. He then passes the phone to Kate and Ashley hands the phone to Hanna. She thanks Kate profusely for not tattling on her, but Kate has other ideas. She basically threatens to break Hanna in like a horse. Kate needs some lessons from A on more effective threats. Or not, because this is Hanna, and LEAVE HER ALONE.
Aria is in her room going through Alison’s box. Piper Mom comes in and tells Aria about setting Mike up with a therapist. She asks Aria to talk to him a bit about how good it was to talk to someone. Before Piper Mom leaves, though, she hesitantly brings up one more thing. See, earlier in the year, there were some rumors about Pedzrafitz being involved with one of his students. Piper Mom assumed it was gossip, but maybe she shouldn’t have. She asks Aria if there is something she would like to say about Ezra… and Spencer. Aria was Big Eyeing through this whole speech, but at the mention of Spencer’s name, she laughs. She assures her mom that there is nothing going on between those two. She takes this moment, though, to ask if the whole teacher/student thing would be SO bad, since there is hardly any age difference. Piper says that is more about the abuse of power and THANK YOU but also FUCK YOU SHOW. They are clearly aware that this is A THING and yet they keep romanticizing and force feeding us Ezria. RAGE.
Sweeney: The fact that somebody on ABC Family’s staff — whoever runs their Twitter account — tweets about how ~*romantic*~ this nonsense is on a daily basis also contributes greatly to my rage.
Lor: Piper Mom says she’d feel disappointed if Ezra was abusing his power that way and Aria assures her there is nothing happening with Spencer and Ezra. Piper Mom starts to leave but turns around at the door to correct herself: she’d feel more than disappointed. She’d feel betrayed. AHAHAHAHAHAA. CHEW ON THAT ARIA.
Sara: Moms always know what to say!
Lor: Spencer, Hanna and Emily are in Hanna’s room discussing how gross A is in every regard, and how gross it is that Ian may have had help making those videos of them. Help from police officer Garrett, for starters. This leads Spencer to her new guess about A- it’s a group of people all playing for the same team, in the same club. I like this theory, mostly because we’ve been saying that EVERYONE IS A, since practically the beginning. The girls hear the door bell and assume it’s Aria and Spencer thinks she’s going to be pissed with her meddling.
Downstairs, Spencer opens the door for Aria, who asks how Emily is doing. Spencer fills her in (shaken but okay) before they both start talking their apologizes over one another. Aria says she isn’t mad, and Spencer is glad because she only did what she did because she was nervous, and Aria is tiny, and Spencer loves her. They hug and it’s a cute friend moment, and I mostly forget that sometimes I like Aria, and that Aria/short jokes are my like 4TP. 4th place is solid.
Sara: When Aria turns to walk away and quickly throws over her shoulder, “Plus it’s NBD ’cause my mom thinks you’re dating Ezrafitz, kbye!” it makes me love Aria a little more.
Sweeney: Agreed all around! This was adorable! It’s fun when we can like Aria. It’s also fun to snark her stupidity, but it’s fun to sometimes like her too.
Lor: New Jason is sitting on his porch alone, but not for long, because Garrett shows up with some beer. He offers Jason one, but he doesn’t take it. Garrett apologizes and says “he forgot,” I’m assuming about Jason being sober. Garrett is there to make sure that everything is still cool. Jason says it doesn’t matter because it’s over now, but Garrett says that now that he’s a cop it matters more than ever.
A-nonymous: Senora Therapy comes into her office, and we see her from A’s view. Senora Therapy sits in her chair and asks A what s/he would like to talk about. We cut to black. I always get the stupid A-nonymouses.
Next time: The Liars actually tell someone about being tormented, and I don’t have a lot of hope that this ends well in Pretty Little Liars S02 E11 – I Must Confess.
I'm a 30-something south Floridan who loves the beach but cannot swim. Such is my life, full of small contradictions and little trivialities. My main life goals are never to take life too seriously, but to do everything I attempt seriously well. After that, my life goals devolve into things like not wearing pants and eating all of the Zebra Cakes in the world. THE WORLD.
Nicole is the co-captain of Snark Squad and these days she spends most of her time editing podcasts. She spends too much time on Twitter and very occasionally vlogs and blogs. In her day job she's a producer, editor, director, and sometimes host of educational YouTube channels. She loves travel, maps, panda gifs, and semicolons. Writing biographies stresses her out; she crowd sourced this one years ago and has been using a version of it ever since. She would like to thank Twitter for their help.
I'm a 30-something with three kids who spends an embarrassing amount of time watching teen television dramas. There's a whole lot of Internet out there, and I plan on reading all of it before I die.
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