Previously: The police confiscated Caleb’s laptop, Maya smoked some weed and the police have a picture of the Liars sneaking around the hospital.
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Breaking the Code
Lorraine: Our Pretty Liars are congregated in front of Spencer’s locker at the Rosewood School for Discussing Secrets Loudly. They are discussing their secrets. Loudly. Emily wants to know how Spencer got $2000 for their informant so quickly, and she vagues about having a relative who helped.
Aria and Spencer are going to meet the informant, Jonah, at 6pm and they will meet with Hanna and Emily afterwards. Hanna wants to know why she doesn’t get to go make shady money exchanges; Spencer explains that showing up four deep might freak Jonah out. Emily shouts about wanting to be there to learn the truth but Mona strides up and they have to cut their conversation short. The Liars greet Mona with a tepid, “hey,” before she pulls Hanna away to chat about shopping plans
WHAT THE HELL? MONA, YOU WERE MY GUESS FOR A. I guess this is how Spencer feels when she’s loud and wrong.
SHHHHHHH.
Marin Manor. Ashley is unpacking groceries and Detective Wilden creeps up to the open back door. Ashley is not happy to see him. Wilden has been calling Ashley because he wants to talk to Hanna. Just then Hanna enters and he says he has follow-up questions about the girls “playing dress up” at the morgue. Ashley shuts that down, calling his behavior harassment and telling him that he needs to formally charge her daughter if he wants to speak with her. Wilden says he’ll see Hanna at the station soon then and leaves. Ashley turns to her daughter and asks if she knows everything. Hanna’s all, “YEP. NO SECRETS HERE!” and Ashley gives a great mom answer of, “then we have nothing to worry about.” Hanna looks decidedly worried.
Sweeney: I just want to insert Sandy Cohen Eyebrows into every other word when describing Ashley as a parent.
Lor: You show great constraint.
Hastings House. Melissa and Spencer are discussing the fact that they have a surprise brother. Melissa is talking crap about their mother for lying to them all these years. Spencer says that she’s pretty sure Alison knew New Jason was her brother, because of the little remarks she’d made. Melissa and Spencer agree that no one else should know to save their family even more humiliation. Melissa, who is still pregnant proving that I’m super unclear as to the timeline of anything that happens on this show, leaves before her parents can arrive. She exits with some, “we’ll get through this,” parting words. Spencer looks decidedly like she’s not going to get through this.
Rosewood Classroom of Cut-off Communications. Emily is leaving a message for Maya, wondering why she hasn’t received any return calls, but the voice mail cuts her off after literally 5 seconds. Two things: (1) – Everyone on this show has ridiculously inadequate voice mail systems. FIVE SECONDS TO A CUT-OFF? Damn. That’s straight militant. (2) – I went back and counted the actual seconds to make sure I was using “literally” faithfully. Rest assured.
Sara: I wish my phone would cut people off after five seconds. SAY WHAT YA NEED TO SAY AND PEACE.
Lor: Thankfully for Emily, when she gets back to her desk, Paige is on hand to be all, “oh did Maya kind of break up with you? Reporting for hot lesbian action!” The Tinkly Piano of Flirtation takes off as Paige invites Emily to join her after school to ask people for money for something.
Sweeney: The transition from the militant voicemail to the Tinkly Piano of Flirtation was so hasty it was ridiculous. Not that this show is known for its subtlety…
Lor: Back at the Marin house, Mona is showing off her purchases, though Hanna can’t muster more reaction than, “cute,” which is not the word Mona wants to hear. 10 points if you are also thinking, “baby ducks are cute!” A phone goes off and Mona quickly grabs hers and says she’s super bored with these stalker messages. Hanna perks up as she asks Mona for details. The A messages started again a few days ago, about things like the stolen necklace she’s wearing which the Zoomy Camera Man makes sure we see. WE SEE IT, ZOOMY. THANKS.
Hanna asks if any of the stalker texts are about her, and Mona says that one is about Mama Marin. She shows Hanna a picture of Wilden undressing or kissing on Ashley conveniently in front of a window. Hanna plays it off as obviously photoshopped, but does go on to ask if A wants Mona to do anything with the picture. Mona answers no, and says that even if A started threatening her, she can take it. She did survive Alison, after all. There is a long shot of Hanna working her mouth around in worry to end the scene. Weird.
Aria and Spencer wait nervously on a park bench. Jonah shows up and asks who Spencer is. She stands up and hilariously offers, “I’m the money.” (S: Precious. Aria was really likable in this scene, so I’m sure she’ll piss me off soon.) Aria pulls Spencer back down and confirms that she is said money. Jonah and the girls go back and forth about who will go first, but finally Spencer coughs up the $2,000. He asks if they’ve heard from Vivian lately, and the girls look at each other suspiciously. Jonah’s all, “whatever.” and hands them a scrap of paper.
Inside there is an address. Nothing else.
Sara: Dude, if I’m paying you $2,000, you better have a phone number, address, and Google Earth directions along with it.
Lor: Scented paper would be a nice touch too.
Spencer runs after Jonah and asks WTF he gave them. There is no name! Jonah says this is the information he gave Wigison and she was plenty happy with it. Spencer wants half her money back, but Jonah says this money was owed to him and leaves. After some scoffing, Spencer looks up the address. It’s 20 minutes away. (S: That was easy.) The girls take a few steps but then realize that Officer Pedo Garrett is parked in front of them, watching them and chewing like a murderer. Seriously, watching him eat makes me fear for my personal safety. Spencer wisely suggests they go Nancy Drew the mysterious address when they aren’t being stalked by a police officer.
Hanna gets a text message from Aria saying that plans have changed and she’ll explain later. Hanna joins her mother in the kitchen and offers to help with dinner. Mostly, she’s going to stand there holding a not-full-of-money lasagna box, asking hypothetical questions like, “could you lose your job if people found out you used your vagina to keep me out of jail?” Ashley wants to drop the subject, but at Hanna’s insistence, finally says that she could lose Hanna if this got out. It would be all the leverage her father would need to sue for custody.
Sweeney: But given that he gives so few fucks about her and his new wife and step-daughter hate her…why would he do that? Seems like more trouble than a parent so negligent would be willing to go through.
Lor: Aria and Ezra are talking on the phone about his interview. She wants to see him tomorrow, but his flight doesn’t get in until noon, when babies have their nap time, so that plan’s apparently no good. Ezra starts saying something else, but Aria’s mom comes into her room so she has to play it off and pretend she’s talking to Emily. She hangs up on Ezra. Piper Mom is here to ask Aria about the letter Byron received that tried to out Aria/Ezra. Aria gets insta-fidgety as Piper Mom asks questions about who could’ve sent it and why. Piper Mom has put together that the letter she received about Byron cheating was also sent by “A.” When Aria says nothing, Piper Mom says she’s going to look into it.
Rosewood School for Extra Curricular Sexual Activities. Emily and Paige flirt-joke about what a good team they make, when Paige gets a call from her mother. We hear her say she’s with “just a friend.” After the call, Emily asks about the “just a friend,” thing and Paige shares that she came out to her parents. They reacted with some screaming and some crying but it was nothing as bad as she expected. She thanks Emily for being an inspiration and wishes she’d done it sooner, hint, hint, wink, wink. The sexual tension is halted by an S.O.S message from Hanna.
Hastings House. The Liars are congregated, and Hanna has just finished telling them about the sex for shoplifting charges deal Mama Marin made. Hanna demands no joking and no judging. Spencer calls her, “over SUNGLASSES?” comment “processing.” Emily says that Ashley is still amazing in her book, as Mama Fields would’ve driven her down to the station and offered to take the mugshot. Sounds like my mom. (S: YUP.) Hanna also told them about Mona getting A messages. The girls think A knows they are getting close and is now using outside people to apply the pressure.
Hanna says she needs something to eat and Spencer tells her to see if Garrett is still parked outside. HE FOLLOWED HER HOME. I hate him a lot. I think I hate him more than Ezra Fitz. (S: It’s so hard to keep track of which adult man behaving inappropriately/illegally with teenage girls I hate most.)(L: I deal with this by saying I hate the one most recently on my screen more.)
Aria suddenly blurts out the story of A sending letters to her parents, and it’s pretty adorable acting from Lucy Hale. You can tell she was battling whether or not to say it, and once it’s all out, she looks around for reactions. Spencer tells her to slow the story down, and asks why A would send a letter to her dad unless she was still seeing Ezra. She is. She lied because these bitches are still under the delusion that lying solves things and keeps people safe. Emily says they understand, and Spencer is all, “NOPE. Speak for yourself.” She’s upset because they had multiple emotional conversation about how heartbroken they were over their respective ex-boyfriends. Spencer says she deserves an award for her performance and Aria’s all, “yeah, well, let’s talk about me some more because my dad is trying to get my pedo-boyfriend out of town!” A few seconds after I compliment Lucy Hale, I’m reminded why I really hate Aria.
Sweeney: Right? It was inevitable. She earned too many points being adorable in the A-mission and blurting out her secret. There’s the Aria we know and hate!
Lor: From downstairs, Hanna calls for the other girls to come see something. Hanna is at Spencer’s laptop. Caleb sent her an email and told her to open the attachment immediately. She does, and it’s the same video we keep seeing from inside Alison’s room the night of the murder. The camera is knocked down, but this time the video continues for a few more seconds, and Melissa Hastings busts into the room asking where “she” is.
Sara: They’re so good at reacting in unison!
Lor: From that 2 second clip, Emily, Hanna and Aria immediately conclude that Melissa killed Alison. NO SHIT. They decide they have to go to the police immediately, even though one officer is creeping on Ashley’s vagina and one cop is sitting outside the house murdering his food. (S: THERE ARE SO MANY LAYERS OF IDGI HERE, GIRLS. TAKE A BEAT AND THINK ABOUT THIS FOR HALF A SECOND.) Spencer says to hold on a second and these stupid bitches are all, “NO. KILLER. POLICE NOW.” Spencer yells at Hanna that a few minutes ago she was asking them not to judge Mama Marin and now they are all coming down on her pregnant sister. Spencer wants to just talk to Melissa, and the girls agree to go investigate the mysterious address while she does that. They also walk away with the evidence still up on the laptop. These girls are going to give me stress grays.
Later, Hanna is back at home and Mona is there to confront her. It seems that A has left her a copy of Hanna’s shoplifting police report and demanded that she send a copy of it to the Rosewood Observer, or s/he will turn Mona in for shoplifting. So: (1) – Maybe Mona should stop wearing the stolen goods around, then, yeah? (2) – Maybe it’s the whole talking about A messages thing that has me thrown for a loop, but this all seems fishy.
Sweeney: It definitely has the air of covering tracks / trying to throw us off all the Mona-is-part-of-the-A-team hints they’ve been dropping.
Lor: Spencer is at a bar, brooding . She steals a shot from a conveniently located and abandoned tray. She probably needed the shot because her pedo-dar started pinging. It’s Wren! He’s also at this bar! Spencer asks if he’s drinking alone and he says, “hopefully not anymore,” but like probably yes, still, because the girl he’s flirting with isn’t of legal drinking age yet.
Mona and Hanna are still freaking out about A’s latest threat. Hanna confesses to Mona that A’s been threatening her for a while now, and those threats aren’t empty.
Back at the bar, Spencer tries calling Melissa again with no success. Wren offers to drive her home, but she doesn’t want to be there. She steals another shot.
And right back to the Marin Manor, where Hanna has left out all her books and notes and yes, even the threatening note and condemning police report. Mama Marin finds the police report and looks at it with concern.
Hanna, Emily and Aria arrive at the mysterious address and there is a sign that identifies this place as a law office:
Aria tries to, I don’t know, Superman the chains on the fence, but Hanna finds the gate is actually unlocked. Those chains on the other side of the gate are for decorative purposes? Or perhaps some sort of ghetto-rig, keeping the entire fence together.
At the front door, Aria tries out this whole “just opening things” thing, but unfortunately, the door is locked. Since they didn’t think of a plan past, “try the door,” Hanna has to suggest that they look around. Aria grabs some mail that’s hanging out of the mail slot, but at the same time, the bulk of it is pulled from inside. She looks up, and in the the door window, sees an old man. (S: NGL, I jumped when he appeared on my screen. THE ORIGINAL ROSEWOOD PEDOBEAR?) Alarms start blaring, and Aria runs for her life, leaving her friends behind. Thankfully, karma makes her trip over her fugly pants or something, and she falls to the floor. Emily and Hanna have to help her out as the old man exits his house and Emily, with one last backward glance, proclaims him definitely not A.
Sara: They should have stepped on Aria’s back as they ran out. Bitch, you left them!
Lor: Also, she’s Aria. So, fair.
Fires of Romance. Wren’s apartment. Spencer is drunk and sashaying around the apartment as she talks about how fucked her her family is. Wren says his family is pretty screwy too, and that he can’t see anything wrong with Spencer. She starts listing her faults, and first is her obsessive need to win everything, even yoga. Wren says that’s a quirk, not a fault, and he’s got plenty of them. Spencer challenges him to name some, and he doesn’t go with, “I like little girls,” he goes with “a touch OCD.” Spencer keeps drunkenly flirting and they kiss.
Sweeney: I need a Daenerys Stormborn bath to burn the ew from this scene off my skin.
Lor: A+
Aria cleans up her cut as Hanna Googles FWL Law Firm. It closed down two months ago. Aria tells her to give up. They got scammed.
The Fires of Romance Burn On. Spencer tells Wren that when she first saw him, she thought, “damn.” She’s unbuttoning his shirt and laying it on thick, but Wren, after a few kisses and some groping is finally like, “okay, I can’t take advantage of you when you’re drunk.” Wow, Wren. You are a stand-up guy.
Lor: That’s what this show wants you to think. DON’T DRINK THE KOOL-AID.
Emily is picking up food at Rosewood’s One Restaurant [ROR]. She sees some girl she thinks is Maya, but it isn’t, so she leaves ROR in tears, and of course bumps into Paige. Of course. Paige asks what’s wrong and Em tells her about the fight she had with Maya. Paige says that Maya just bails when things get tough, and Emily needs someone she can count on. Someone like her lips, right now. Emily stops the kiss and walks away even after Paige apologizes. It wasn’t even her fault, either, because the Lesbian Soundtrack was doing double over time during this scene. I almost kissed Emily.
Rosewood School Where It’s 10:15 and There is Nary a Class in Sight. Hanna finds Mona at her locker, and she’s crying. It seems that Mona didn’t turn Ashley and Hanna in; she returned the stolen goods to the jewellery store. They called her mom and Mona’s going to be feeding the homeless as part of the deal she struck with her mom. Hanna hugs her and thanks her.
Sweeney: This is some Aria-level A fake-attack bullshit.
Lor: Fires of Romance Apartment. Spencer is waking up and Wren is just getting home from his rounds. She’s slept in and late for school, but otherwise pretty chipper after a full night of drinking.
They kiss a little more, Spencer grabs her things and runs off.
It’s lunch time at school, now, and Mona sits alone. She takes her apple out of some plastic wrap and finds a note from A that says she didn’t bite the first time, but she will soon. We’ve seen some crazy notes delivered from A, BUT ON THE APPLE SOMEONE PICKED OUT OF THE LUNCH LINE? Impossible. Mona is A again. Mona is A-ing herself, that crazy bitch. Mostly, I don’t want to be loud and wrong.
Sweeney: Girl, if you’re loud and wrong, I’ll be loud and wrong with you because this is some bullshit. Mona is totally A-ing herself for Hanna’s benefit. I kind of respect the deviousness of it, though. It’s a clever move.
Lor: And we see the payoff when Mona shows the note to Hanna and says she’s going home. Hanna instead offers to let Mona sit at the Liar table. Mona looks pleased with this offer as the Jingle of You Can Sit with Us takes us into a Not Commercial Break.
Ashley Marin sexy-stomps through the police department into Wilden’s office. She asks if he really thought this would work, and presents the police report she found in Hanna’s things. Wilden is freaked out because he didn’t give it to Hanna. The sex-for-dropped-charges thing could cost him his job. Ashley asks if he didn’t do it, who did?
Aria and Ezra are sitting in a car, as he tells her that the interview went well and he was offered the job. He basically tells Aria that’s it’s a great opportunity, Byron will be suspicious if he doesn’t take it, and also they are two big idiots if they keep assuming that their twoo luv will work, against all odds and, like, laws. Aria wants to know if he’s giving up on them, and his answer is, “no! No. No, no. But yes.” He gets out of the car and Aria cries and cries and cries.
Sara: AND THE LADIES OF THE SNARK SQUAD REJOICE!
Lor: We fade to her still crying, but now in bed, at home. Piper Mom asks her what’s wrong and Aria tells her that Ezra is leaving, taking the job Byron set him up with. It’s clear that Piper Mom didn’t know anything about this, but Aria is being a brat and chooses to believe her parents were in cahoots. She says they might of gotten rid of Ezra, but they lost her too. I mean, she’s probably still going to live under their roof, eat their food, wear the clothes they bought her, and otherwise fully depend on them for basically everything, BUT THEY TOTALLY LOST HER, DAMMIT.
Sweeney: I hate her.
Lor: Aria sits at Ezra’s apartment brooding, but they are interrupted by a knock. It’s Piper Mom, who is apparently there to listen to these two and their epic love story.
UGH WHY.
I just hate everything about Pedzria.
Sweeney: AND LASER EYEBROW REMOVAL FOR YOU, PIPERMOM. YOU WILL NEVER EVER GROW MAJESTIC PARENTAL EYEBROWS AGAIN.
Lor: Spencer is watching the Alison’s room video again and when Melissa sneaks up behind her. Spence slams the laptop shut and asks about that whole getting into a car with Garrett thing. Melissa wants to explain, but not anywhere where people might hear her screams. Something like that. Spencer agrees to go with her sister, but she leaves her cell phone behind. I know this because the Zoomy Camera Man is all, “zoom, zoom, zoom! See that there? It’s her cell phone. Left. Behind.” Thanks again, bro.
Pedo Apartment. There is an awkward stare off, broken by Aria who asks what exactly they are doing. Piper Mom says she doesn’t condone the relationship, but she wants to slow things down before anyone moves away or runs away. She wants to hear what this relationship is, exactly. Ezra gets up as the tea kettle whistles and Aria smiles at her mom all, “thanks mom! You are the coolest!” like her mom just extended her curfew or upped her allowance.
Sara: Thus showing us even more that Aria is not an adult in any way and should not be in this illegal relationship.
Lor: Hanna is cleaning her room when Mama Marin enters. She chats a bit before she notices the letter from FWL on Hanna’s bed. Ashley asks about it, as FWL was the law firm that handled her divorce. Hanna asks why’d she go all the way out there for a lawyer and DUN DUN DUN Melissa used to work there as an intern.
Emily’s at home and Gossip Cop pays her a visit. He has to talk to her about DUN DUN DUN Maya.
A-nonymous: A blacked gloved A loads a gun and fires it five times. The camera zooms in on the paper target s/he hit in the middle all five times. A fingers the bullet holes.
Next time: It’s the annual Father-Daughter Dance, of course, and having so many men congregated together in Rosewood has me nervous. Tune in for Pretty Little Liars S03 E22 – Father Knows Best.
I'm a 30-something south Floridan who loves the beach but cannot swim. Such is my life, full of small contradictions and little trivialities. My main life goals are never to take life too seriously, but to do everything I attempt seriously well. After that, my life goals devolve into things like not wearing pants and eating all of the Zebra Cakes in the world. THE WORLD.
Nicole is the co-captain of Snark Squad and these days she spends most of her time editing podcasts. She spends too much time on Twitter and very occasionally vlogs and blogs. In her day job she's a producer, editor, director, and sometimes host of educational YouTube channels. She loves travel, maps, panda gifs, and semicolons. Writing biographies stresses her out; she crowd sourced this one years ago and has been using a version of it ever since. She would like to thank Twitter for their help.
I'm a 30-something with three kids who spends an embarrassing amount of time watching teen television dramas. There's a whole lot of Internet out there, and I plan on reading all of it before I die.
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