OK, so, this post should have gone up months ago, but let’s pretend that this is right on time. NOTHING TO SEE HERE. TOTALLY APPROPRIATELY TIMED POST. Ballots have been cast and the results are in (in a totally timely fashion). Pop the cheapest champagne you can get your hands on and don your tackiest sparklies. It’s (finally) time to celebrate the winners of the first annual Traumaland Awards:
Best Substitute Parent
With a whopping 84% of the vote, Rupert Giles crushed this. He did enough good in his pre-S6 years to maintain a good hold on our hearts.
Pedobear Award
It was a tight race between Pedzra Fitz and Elena Lincoln [Mrs. Rape]. It’s really tough to choose between sleeping with your student and sleeping with your good friend’s adopted teenage son. Both worthy contenders, but with a mere three vote lead, Ezra Fitz takes the title.
I thought about putting a gif here, but it was grossing me out too much.
(After lobbying so aggressively for Ezra, I feel a little silly saying this, but I kind of wish Mrs. Rape had won, if only because she won’t be eligible again next year…though Ezra is already off to a good start toward defending his title.)
The Sandy Cohen Eyebrows Award for Non-Negligent Parenting
More worthwhile contenders, what with parenting being such a beautiful Traumaland rarity, but after only three episodes in 2013, Keith Mars won our hearts.
Best Effing Dance
We love a good dance around here and would happily revisit any of these parties. Now that we’re already in our tacky sparklies, 52% of Traumaland has spoken and decided that we’re going to Sunnydale High School Prom to watch Buffy get her Class Protector award.
One Truly Traumatic Pairing (OTTP)
This was a real challenge for me as a voter because in my heart they are all OTTP winners. But alas, there can only be one! While Mrs. Rape may not have been able to take down Pedzra, Anastasia Steele and Christian Grey won this much deserved honor, a full 16% ahead of their nearest competitors.
Let’s be real: this is the OTTP to end all OTTPs.
(Thankfully, we do not yet have images of this horror.)
Most Tragic Magic Vagina
Traumaland struggled between Melissandre’s dementor baby and Buffy’s poltergeist-waking, but I’m pretty sure the fact that Biley sex was involved gave Buffy Summers the edge to be the final victor.
(I’m also going to spare everyone this image, even though it does exist. Nobody needs to see Biley sex again.)
LOLPD Officer of the Year
The various fictional universes that coalesce to make Traumaland saw the greatest law enforcement incompetence in Detective Wilden. Congrats, buddy! (Don Lamb was close, though! Maybe he’ll take a trip to see The Wizard this year to help him take home the next one.)
Best Use of the Pretty White Virginal Dress
Each of our contenders was great in her own way, but Willow Rosenberg overcame her fashion disaster legacy to be crowned victor in the PWVD category, which is really the only fashion award that matters in Traumaland.
Best Punch or Slap IN THE FACE
Of the many glorious IN THE FACE moments of 2013, 58% of Traumateers agree that Tyrion’s repeated Joffrey slaps were the most gratifying. (In a category with six epic contenders, 58% is almost Substitute Giles Parent levels of mandate.)
Pass the Brain Bleach Moment of the Year
We started stocking Snark HQ with Brain Bleach and man does that shit run out fast. Connor/Cordelia sex remains the 2013 moment which most scarred the poor hearts and minds of Traumaland.
(Again, um, no. Just, no.)
The Baby Come Back Saddest Death Award
Speaking of scarred hearts and minds, we lost a lot of good fictional friends last year. While I was pulling for Doyle or Lady the Direwolf, it’s hard not to feel that you all made the right choice with Tara MaClay.
I don’t want to think about this award any further because it’s giving me feelings.
Best Use of a Flasback
This trip down memory lane wouldn’t be complete without some fun with flashbacks. Traumateers love Joss Whedon, so we fucked with you by making him 3/5 options. You were not fooled: Mal’s Serenity flashbacks were the clear and overwhelming victor.
Best Villain
Finally, the people who really make Traumaland go ’round. There is no plot or fake plot without them. 49% of Traumateers agree that the best villain who villained all year was The Mayor.
Thank you for voting, tweeting, commenting on, and blogging about this. Most of all, thank you for sticking with us, Traumateers. We love you from the bottom of our cold, snarky hearts. Here’s to another year of trauma, snark, booze, and feels.