—
Sara: Manning, Colorado. A man sits at a bar, flipping through a book that looks very similar to Papa Winchester’s Filofax of Shadows. The bartender addresses him as Mr. Elkins and asks if he’ll be having anything else to drink. He says yes, and as she fixes him a drink, another patron makes a comment about how creepy the guy sitting alone is. Which is funny coming from a guy who is also sitting alone at a bar and flirting with a waitress who is way out of his league. She shares that Mr. Elkins is a nice old man who lives up in the canyon by himself and flips through that old book on a regular basis. And also, he’s kind of a nut.
Three people dressed in leather come in, and Mr. Elkins immediately freezes in his seat while discreetly checking them out.
Kirsti: Okay, but like how did he know they’d come in? Does he have super smelling powers?
Sara: Like Angel and Spike level smelling powers? Who knows…
Chatty Bartender asks what they’ll be having, and they order an entire bottle of Jack and won’t be having dinner because they already have plans. So they’re either, 1.) vampires or 2.) werewolves. I’m good either way! Chatty Bartender turns around to ask Mr. Elkins if she can get him anything else, but he’s run out so fast, his bar stool is practically still spinning.
Mr. E gets out of his truck in a hurry when he makes it back to his house and rushes inside, locking the door behind him. He breathes a sigh of relief, but that sigh came a bit too soon because when he turns around the lady wolfpire is there, and her eyes flash signaling that she’s a demon (like we didn’t already know). So now I’m leaning more towards werewolf, because vampires have to be invited in, yeah? Like even the Twilight vampires follow this rule.
K: Oh man, I can’t wait until we get to a certain episode in season 6…
Sara: Being a Snow is so stressful sometimes!
She tells Mr. E that it’s been a while and he looks old. He throws a knife into her chest, and she’s just like, “LOL. You can do better than that.” But I think he knew that it wouldn’t actually hurt her, because he uses the diversion to run upstairs to his safe and get an old fashioned looking gun out and loaded. Usually I’m all for gun safety and keeping guns unloaded, but I’d say that if you’re expecting a supernatural creature to come kill you, you should probably keep that thing ready to go at all times.
Just as he gets the bullets loaded and the gun put together, the other two wolfpires bust in through the skylight and hold him down on his desk. The shewolfpire picks up the gun and compliments it, telling Mr. E that it wouldn’t have done him much good anyways. She tells the two guywolfpires that they’ll be eating in tonight, and we cut away as we hear Mr. E’s screams, and we fade to the Not!Credits.
The boys are eating breakfast at a diner and talking about where their next case might be. They don’t have any good leads so aren’t really sure about where to go next until Sam mentions a story about Daniel Elkins who was found dead in his home. The police are confused, thinking maybe it was a bear attack (SO WEREWOLVES?) but they also found signs of robbery. Dean says that he’s heard that name before and quickly locates it in the Filofax of Shadows. His name is listed there along with a phone number that has a Colorado area code, and that’s enough for the boys to set off on their next case.
Does Dean just have all the area codes memorized? How the hell did he automatically know that one was from CO?
K: Because contrivance demands it, Sara. Just go with it…
Sara: Late at night, the boys break into Mr. E’s cabin home and find a mess. Sam tells Dean that he found some salt around the door.
Sara: Sam responds that it’s clearly a ring and wonders out loud if Mr. Elkins is a player in the demon hunting game. Dean has found Mr. E’s Filofax of Shadows (is this the script for season 2??) and says that he must have been. The book looks a lot like their dad’s, but this one dates all the way back to the 60s.
They make their way to the room Mr. E was actually murdered in and note that it looks like he was attacked by more than one thing, and also that he tried like hell to fight them off. Dean finds some scratches on the floor and uses a piece of paper and pencil to figure out that it’s a message. Like the way you used to get a leaf in elementary school and use a pencil to get the outline of it on your paper. The message is a PO box, left in the same way that Daddy Winchester leaves his messages.
K: Okay, but as if you would use your dying breaths to CARVE THE DETAILS OF A POST OFFICE BOX INTO THE WOODEN FLOOR.
Sara: True to that title of “hunter” until the end. God knows I don’t care enough about my job to use my dying breath to let someone know how to keep the books.
The boys head to the PO box to figure out what clues Mr. E was leaving behind and find one sealed and stamped envelope addressed to J.W. They wonder if that means it’s for their dad (John Winchester) and if they should open it. Back in the car, they’re still pondering this when Papa Winchester himself knocks on the window, scaring the shit out of the boys.
He hops in the backseat and tells them that he got there as quickly as he could after hearing the news about Mr. E. He tells them that Mr. E was a mentor to him who taught him everything about hunting. He’s never mentioned him because they had a bit of a falling out and hadn’t talked in a long time. He asks them for the envelope addressed to him. Not gonna lie, I keep expecting there to be an episode at some point where we find out that John Winchester is fully evil and has been tricking the boys this whole time. I bet that would be way cooler than whatever actually happens.
K: Pretty much exactly. But shhhhh. Spoilers, sweetie.
Sara: The letter says that if Papa Winchester is reading the letter, Mr. E is already dead. (K: I want to know how long he’s been paying the fees on that post office box just for his “If you’re reading this, I’m dead” letter…) He also mentions the gun, and John immediately asks the boys if they saw an antique gun in the house while they were there. They say that they didn’t, and he replies that “they” already have it and the Winchesters need to pick up the trail and find them. Sam asks why the gun is so important and Daddy Winchester says it just is, because he’s not much for sharing information. And he finally tells us what we’re looking for! VAMPIRES. (SOOKEH IS MAHN.) Man, I really had my money on werewolves.
K: Give it time, Sara. We’ll get there eventually.
Sara: With ten seasons ahead of us, I imagine we’ll be covering every single supernatural thing in the book. AND I AM SO EXCITED.
As we cut to a view of the vampires, Daddy Winchester VOs that all the vampire lore is shit: sunlight won’t hurt them and stakes won’t kill them. But the bloodlust part is true. Well that sucks. If I ever run across one, I’m totally fucked. The vamp gang are getting drunk by the side of a highway as a car with a man and woman drive by. The woman jokes about how hideous the shirt of the man is, and they act pretty cute. While the man and woman are making moony eyes at each other, one of the vamps lays down in the middle of the road, and Hideous Shirt has to slam the brakes to keep from running the person over.
He tells Moony Girl to dial 911 while he checks on the person, but when he bends down to check for a pulse, the vampire opens his eyes and displays his teeth (WHICH ARE SO CREEPY) before pulling the man down towards him and cutting to a Not Commercial Break. This is why if I ever see someone laying in the middle of the road looking dead or hurt, I’m just running their ass over and continuing on my way.
K: Snark Squad advice: saving lives (except those of people laying in roads) since 2011.
Sara: After the Not Break, we’re at the motel of the week where Papa Winchester is listening to the police scanner and hears the report about the abandoned vehicle in the middle of the highway. He wakes the boys up, saying that he knows it’s the vampires and they need to get out there. They question how he knows this, but he doesn’t have any answers for them AS USUAL. I can see how Sam gets fed up with this shit.
The Winchesters are at the scene of the Missing Vehicle and Papa Winchester is talking to the cops about what happened. Sam gripes about not getting to participate in any of the interviewing, and Dean implies that Sam is starting up his being-a-baby attitude again. This is kind of fair. Sam is sometimes a gigantic baby. (K: SO MUCH OMG.) Papa Winchester comes back and says they’ll have to take a detour to get there. Dean immediately agrees to it, but Sam wants to know how he knows this because he’s tired of getting non-answers. Papa Winchester shows them one of the vampire teeth he found in the street, which is proof enough for them, I guess, because they all head out.
In the car, Dean does a little vampire info dumping for us. They usually all nest together and send a few vamps out at a time for food while the others stay in the nest. Victims are taken back to the nest and the pack drains them for days or weeks, like how if you buy the 90 count pizza roll bag, that shit lasts FOREVER. Dean figures that Papa Winchester is thinking the victims from the car are at the vamp nest now. Sam says that’s probably true, but it would be nice if he actually told them this instead of ordering them around. The boys bicker about Sam being a baby and Dean being an unquestioning soldier, and they’re both right.
K: Right there with you, Sara. I discovered several years ago that I am completely and utterly useless in a crisis, and my default setting rapidly becomes CRY ALL THE CRIES.
Sara: The vamp reaches out to slap the girl, but Shepire yells at him to wait for Luther, who I’m assuming is the leader of this pack of hillbilly vampires. Just in time, Luther (I’m assuming) kicks the door open (because vampires can’t just enter a damn room without breaking something), and Shepire immediately jumps into his arms and starts making out with his face. Ew. Why are vampires always so horny? (K: It’s especially funny when you take the lack of blood flow into consideration) She tells Luther that have some presents, and he goes over to examine the victims. He says that Moony Girl looks interesting but tells the other manpires to treat themselves to Hideous Shirt. They eat him right in front of Moony Girl. That actually made me really sad. 🙁
Shepire takes Luther to the other side of the abandoned bar and shows him the antique gun she found. She tells him that she killed Mr. E for it, and he gripes at her that she shouldn’t have killed the guy because now more hunters will be after them. Bitches can’t do anything right, amiright? She apologizes, but he’s too busy being impressed by the Antique Gun of Mystery to care. She tells him that Mr. E died with it in his hands, and LOL how stupid was he for trying to use a gun on a vampire! Luther tells her stupid ass that it isn’t an ordinary gun.
Winchesters. Dean hangs up the phone and tells Sam to pull over at the next exit, because Dad said he found the vampire trail. Sam wants to know how, but Dean replies that Papa Winchester didn’t say. As usual. Sam gets his angry face on and cuts his dad off, forcing him to pull over so they can get out and stand really close to each other’s faces. This is what boys in the wild do to prove how manly they are.
K: A+. At the very least, Papa Winchester should be treating them like his officers, not his grunt soldiers who need to be kept in the dark so they don’t spill the beans to the local hooker.
Sara: Sam demands to know what’s going on with the gun and why he won’t tell them anything. Dean tries to tell them both to calm down, but Sam DGAF. Papa Winchester tells him to get back in the car and Sam says, “NO.” Dean tells them to get back in the car and they can deal with it later. He pulls Dean away who mutters under his breath that this is why he left in the first place. Papa Winchester says that’s right – Sam is the one who left when his dad and brother needed him. Sam shoots back that Papa Winchester is the one who told him not to come back, so he’s the one who closed the door, not Sam. Now he has his angry face AND his angry voice on, as he yells that Papa Winchester was just mad because he couldn’t control Sam anymore. Dean demands for them to stop it, and pulls them away from each other again. Papa Winchester and Sam stomp off to their respective vehicles, leaving Dean in the middle saying, “Terrific.”
K: I have a lot of feels for poor Dean, being stuck in the middle and trying to keep the peace. And I hate Papa Winchester more than ever because he tells Dean that the Bromobile looks like shit. EXCUSE YOU, PAPA WINCHESTER. EXCUSE YOU.
Sara: Vamp Coyote Ugly Bar. Luther and Shepire are now shirtless and doing some heavy petting across the room from Moony Girl. Luther asks her if she likes to watch, and he says that he does, too, as he sends Shepire over to feed blood to MG (Moony Girl) by kissing her, and it’s fucking gross and I’m done recapping this scene. (K: UNDERSTANDABLE)
After the Not Commercial Break, the Winchesters are watching the abandoned Coyote Ugly bar and see one of the vampires show up and head inside. Papa Winchester fills the boys in on how the only way to kill them is by beheading. The sunlight is just like a nasty sunburn to vamps. They sleep during the day, but they also wake up. So they’re kind of like college students in that regard. Their plan is apparently to just walk right in and get the gun. Oooookay.
The guys all get their weapons together, and before heading in, Papa Winchester asks if they really want to know about the Antique Gun of Mystery. Sam responds with a “yessir” earning them the story. Papa Winchester never really thought the stories about the gun were true until he read Mr. E’s letter. Back in 1835, the night of the Alamo, a man made the gun for hunters. And people say the oldest profession was prostitution!
K: I stop to get angry because TWO SECONDS ON GOOGLE will inform you that the Battle of the Alamo took place in February/March 1836. Like, are you fucking serious, script writers?? You couldn’t stop for TWO SECONDS to Google the date and make it historically accurate?! Fuck you. Especially when an additional ten seconds will inform you that Samuel Colt spent 1835 IN ENGLAND. JFC, PEOPLE.
Sara: He made thirteen bullets for the gun, used six of them, but then disappeared and the gun disappeared with him. They say the gun can kill anything. The boys ask if it could even kill the fire demon that killed their mother. He responds that it could, and that’s why he’s been on the trail for the gun for a long time.
The Winchesters creep into the Coyote Ugly vamp bar and see all the vampires sleeping in hammocks. Papa Winchester makes his way to some of the rooms in the back where he finds Luther and Shepire sleeping on a bed together. At the same time, Sam finds Moony Girl still tied up. Papa Winchester spots the Antique Gun of Mystery on a shelf next to Luther but doesn’t make a move for it yet since the floorboards will inevitably creak the moment he steps foot on them. Trust me, I used to sneak out of my house in high school. That’s how it always works.
As Sam starts untying Moony Girl, Dean spots a cage full of victims and goes to break the lock and let them all out just as Papa Wnchester moves to get the gun. Just then, Moony Girl wakes up and Sam tells her that it’s okay because he’s there to help because girlfriend has officially been vampirized and starts screaming bloody murder, waking the entire nest up at the worst possible time.
K: Womp womp. You can’t always save the girl, Sam…
Sara: Luther and Shepire wake up and throw Papa Winchester across the room as he tells the boys to run. He meets them outside, and their dad tells them that the vamps won’t follow them now, they’ll wait until night. They ask what they should do now, and he tells them to get to the nearest funeral home.
Motel of the Week. Sam and Papa Winchester are at the motel while Dean is off doing something else. Sam paces because he constantly worries about his big brother. D’awww. John tells Sam that the day he was born, he went out and put $100 in a savings account for him and did the same for Dean. It was supposed to be a college fund, and every month he would put in another $100. Papa Winchester goes on that the point is this isn’t the life he wanted for his sons. After their mother died, he saw evil everywhere and just wanted to keep his boys safe. (K: Which he demonstrated by putting them in constant danger…)
He says that sometime along the way, he stopped being their dad and started being their drill sergeant. When Sam said he wanted to go away to college, he worried about Sam being alone and vulnerable, and he just didn’t realize how different the two of them were. Sam laughs at that because they both kind of went through the same thing with the boys’ mom and Jess both being eaten by the fire demon. He asks whatever happened to that college fund anyway, and Papa Winchester replies that he spent it on ammo. They both laugh, and it’s pretty cute. I think I like Papa Winchester right now, y’all! (K: I do not.) That was such a nice moment, and at least he recognizes the things he’s done wrong as a parent. That’s more than we can say for a lot of parents in Traumaland for sure.
Out on the highway in the middle of the night, Shepire finds Dean next to his car on the side of the road and asks if he’s having car trouble and needs a lift. He declines since he draws the line at necrophilia which earns him a slap in the face from the vampire. Another vampire goon shows up as Shepire lifts Dean up by his face.
As they burn the body of the other vampire, Sam wants to know if his dad is sure this plan is going to work, and he assures them that it will because vampires mate for life. (K: Of course they do… Just like bald eagles.) Shepire is worth even more to Luther than the Antique Gun of Mystery because they’re in looooove or something. John plans to make a trade of Shepire for the gun, and he wants the boys to get out of the area as soon as possible. Sam asks if they’ll be meeting up afterwards to use the gun to find the fire demon, but he doesn’t answer. Both boys are annoyed by MORE non-answers from their dad and want him to stop treating them like children. He argues that they are his children, but Dean says that’s bullshit because they’ve seen some crazy shit on their hunting trips and are prepared for anything. Papa Winchester tells them that their mom’s death almost killed him, and he refuses to watch his children die, too. That’s actually kind of sweet. Dean continues arguing that they’re stronger as a family, and they should do this together, but Papa Winchester isn’t budging. He tells them to do their job and do it well, and that is an order.
The vampire lackeys tell Luther what happened to the beheaded vamp and that they don’t know where Shepire is. Just then, a truck comes roaring down the highway and Luther smells her scent in the vehicle. (K: Over the smell of exhaust? This dude has better Super Smelling Powers than anyone in the Buffyverse!) Papa Winchester drives down the road with Shepire in the front seat and sees two pairs of headlights in the rearview behind him.
Vampire Coyote Ugly Bar. One vampire is staying guard at the bar but obviously isn’t doing a very good job as Dean creeps up behind him and cuts his head off. Afterwards, he goes back to the cage he was trying to unlock before and releases the prisoners inside.
Highway to Hell. The vampires have made a barricade on the highway, forcing John to come to a stop. He gets out and pulls Shepire out behind him. She’s still weak from the poison arrow earlier, and her hands are tied behind her back. He tells them that he wants to trade the Antique Gun of Mystery for the girl, but Luther laughs that he can’t take all of them out with the gun. John Winchester is like, Please. I have better shit to kill with that gun than your sorry asses.
Luther puts the gun down on the street, and John instructs him to back up. He picks the gun up with his arms still around Shepire, but as he backs up with the gun in his hand, she manages to pull her arms away and hit him, pushing him back. Luther tosses him into the truck windshield, knocking him out. Just then, an arrow flies through the air and lands directly in one of the vampire’s chests. Sam and Dean run out of the woods and as Dean tries to behead one of them, Luther grabs Sam and holds a knife to his throat. Dean immediately throws down the machete.
Luther starts monologuing that they should just leave the vampires alone because they have as much right to live as anyone else. Offscreen, Papa Winchester is like, “the fuck you do,” and shoots him right in the head with the Antique Gun of Mystery. Sam is released and a big nasty black welt appears on Luther’s head before he falls to the ground and dies. Shepire cries out and tries to go at Papa Winchester but another vampire pulls her away and they race off. Papa Winchester creepy smiles as we cut to black.
K: THIS WAS SUCH A WASTE OF A BULLET. Admittedly, they had to show us what the gun actually DOES. But when you’ve only got four bullets left and you use one on a VAMPIRE?! Nope.
Sara: After the Not Commercial Break, John chastises the boys for not following orders, but Dean says that they saved his ass, so. Papa Winchester agrees that they’re stronger as a family and should go after the fire demon together. They “yessir” this command as the episode comes to an end.
Not my favorite episode, but I’m sure it served a purpose as that gun has to be a major plot point for quite a while (I’m assuming). We’re almost at the season one finale, folks!
K: The highlight of this episode for me? Was the music that plays at the end. Which is also the music that plays on the menu screen of the DVDs. Which should tell you how much I care about this episode (not much). Mostly, I found it boring. Which is sad, considering it involves the Colt and vampires…
I'm a 30-something with three kids who spends an embarrassing amount of time watching teen television dramas. There's a whole lot of Internet out there, and I plan on reading all of it before I die.
I'm a 30-something librarian and I still live with my parents because I'm super broke. Leader of Team Heartless Cow. I have an inexplicable love for 90s television, eat too much chocolate, and read more than is good for me.
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