Previously: Wren was shady and set Mariska Mom up so that she’d have to recuse herself from Ashley’s case.
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Bring Down the Hoe
Sweeney: At Rosewood High School for Processing your Stalkers, the Pretty Little Liars recap the last episode for us – the squatter in the DiLaurentis crawlspace and CeCe blaming all of these then-14-year-olds for getting her 21-year-old ass kicked out of college.
Marines: I feel it’s my obligation to say that one of the girls say that napping isn’t living, which is just more proof that they are doing life wrong.
Sweeney: We just need to sit them all down and have a chat.
Hanna explains that her mom has been meeting with lawyers but they all suck because Mariska Mom is the town’s only competent lawyer. Lieutenant Tanner has dropped by the school to ruin whatever meal this is to remind Emily that the local police are still investigating Emily’s house along with muddy shoes that match that footprints from Wilden’s crime scene. Hanna excuses herself to the bathroom and this bitch is all, “Geeze, I hope I didn’t ruin anyone’s lunch.” 4.5 seasons later and it still manages to make me rage as I watch adults harass teenage girls. I’m not sure if that’s a good sign that I’m not fully ruined or a bad sign that I cling to tragically impossible dreams. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
SHHHHH.
In the halls, the girls try to comfort Hanna about this latest batch of crazy and adolescent terrorization. Spencer decides that they need to get Lieutenant Tanner onto CeCe and the best way to do that is to do a little recon in the crawl space. Because of reasons, it’s Hanna’s job to keep Mrs. DiLaurentis occupied by going shopping with her for Another Effing Dance that she has no plans to go to because her mother is under house arrest and stuff. Spencer gets a text that gives her pause but she doesn’t tell the girls what it’s about.. Hanna’s left standing alone crying and a random hall lurking dude stares at her.
Mari: He looks like a Poor Man’s Wentworth Miller so his face automatically reminds me of prison.
Sweeney: In a computer lab, Emily is printing something when Paige pops by (how did she know she’d be there?) to ask if they’re still going to the dance. Emily gives her a noncommittal, “I’ll call you.” Em, you’ve gotta give a girl more notice than, “I’ll call you.” They discuss the recommendation letter that Emily is printing. Rumer Willis wrote it and Paige says that it’s clear from this gushing letter that Rumer is totes into Emily.
After school, Jake flags down Aria to offer her a ride home but she brought her car and she’s got stuff to do. He offers up the name of a hotshot lawyer he knows as well, and Aria finally registers that she should probably act a little more like this is the guy she’s seeing. She invites him to the dance and is shocked that it’s so easy. Pedolationships are a lot of work. They smile and are age appropriately cute together.
Mari: I guess we’re going with the idea that Jake recently graduated high school. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Sweeney: I refuse to accept that I’m watching another pedolationship unfold, so yes, that. Sure.
Speaking of pedolationships, Ezra’s in his empty classroom brooding.
He realizes that he was being an asshole and so he unloads his paternity feels onto Emily and whatever fuck him.
Mari: Bad to know that Ezra can treat his students inappropriately without kissing them.
Sweeney: Elsewhere in the halls (Why is everyone still here? Didn’t Aria just leave for the day?) Hanna tells Caleb about the shopping with Mrs. D. He also tells her that they totally are going to the dance because Ashley begged him to take her so that she could go live her life. He’s adorable and says goodbye, leaving Hanna to open her locker and find an envelope for the store where CeCe used to work. Inside there’s a crap ton of hundred dollar bills and a note suggesting that this money will help her mother. Hall Lurker is once again there, lurking.
After a Not Break, Spencer is talking to Toby about this. He’s clearly trying to do actual work and not really in the mood. Spencer wonders why CeCe would use an envelope from her former employer and confused by the little treats Toby and now Hanna are receiving (thousands of dollars in cash > some old sheet music). In spite of the inferiority of his gift, Toby doesn’t want to look the gift horse in the mouth. As Spencer starts to complain that it’s suspicious as hell that they’re getting these “gifts” – that surely something else is coming – they get in the car and Toby’s breath is taken away by what comes on the radio: it’s his mother singing Any Time. Toby has no idea where it came from. Spencer anxiously begs him to take it out. It’s a CD that says, “There’s more where this came from,” on it.
One Coffe Shop. Hanna is about to leave when she spots Hall Lurker coming in and paying. Hanna yells at him for stalking her. It’s an over-the-top reaction for seeing him in the halls twice. You go to school together, Hanna. This is still well within the realm of coincidence, however creepy he was being. Hall Lurker is dumbfounded and doesn’t say anything.
Mari: It’s also a hilarious reaction because her actual stalker? Nope, can’t say anything about them. The dude she saw twice? OMG STOP STALKING ME. I WILL HURT YOU.
Okay Hanna.
Sweeney: Misplaced priorities and emphasis are this show’s bread and butter.
In the Sugar Baby Truck, Toby decides he wants to go back to Dr. Palmer to look for more of the sessions. Spencer reminds him that Dr. Palmer is crazy and thus unreliable and also that this is some shady A nonsense, but Toby is having none of her logic. Spencer’s not coming with him because she’s got to investigate the crawl space. Toby calls Dr. Palmer and Spencer begs him to just take a breath before they do anything.
Crawl Space Party. Aria whines to Emily about Spencer being late for her own creepy investigation. Emily does a bad job of being nonchalant as she suggests that Aria call Ezra because he’s been looking for her. Aria says she’s finally in a good place with her age appropriate relationship and doesn’t want to do that to Jake. Good job, girl. Emily finds a button and just as the girls are wondering if it belongs to Red Coat, they hear a loud scary noise that makes them jump. It’s just Spencer, though. Surely they’d have heard her on the porch when she got there. Regardless, she’s there with her super best flashlight to inspect the button.
Mari: I’m really sad how confused I was by those drill holes, even last week when we saw them. They are peeping Tom holes! I GET IT NOW. I don’t know how no one notices all those holes in the floor, but okay!
Sweeney: After a Not Break, they’re sharing this with Hanna and her Macy’s Promotional Placement Shopping Bag. She starts plotting ways that they can trap CeCe-or-whoever-the-squatter is, but Emily’s on the, “Fuck that noise,” train because she’s only returning to that house to get her stuff and move out. She’ll just stay at the Hastings house before she stays in Murder HQ another night.
Spencer comes downstairs, slightly disoriented, asking Emily if she’s planning on doing this tonight and Em’s all, “Yeah, duh.” They corner Spencer about her secrecy – Aria notes that she knows all about living a double life because of her pedolationship struggles. Emily points out that she leaves the room whenever Toby calls and while they’ve all got heavy shit going on, they share it.
Speaking of Toby, he’s in the Sugar Baby Truck talking to someone at the facility where Dr. Palmer is staying. He knows Dr. Palmer is unwell but begs them to let him talk to Dr. Palmer because it’s just a super quick question. They refuse. As soon as he hangs up, he gets a Blocked ID text with a picture of a car. I have no idea what this is supposed to mean. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
One Coffee Shop. Aria’s just trying to get some coffee and move on with some Age Appropriate Living when she’s spotted by her pedophile ex who corners her about ignoring his calls. He says it’s fine because she’s here now and he can’t take a fucking hint. Aria awkwardly tries to make it clear that she doesn’t want to talk to him now either. Ezra doesn’t leave and is there when Jake arrives. Things are awkward and Jake doesn’t punch Ezra like I’d hope. Ezra finally leaves and Jake whatevers the whole thing because he’s got a super fun box for Aria to open. She does and it’s some crazy light blue cowboy boots. They’re the right size and everything. He makes her try them on there. This is a little more weird than cute, but Aria’s happy and Jake’s not Ezra, so I’mma roll with it.
Mari: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Sweeney: At Ali’s place, Emily is packing up and Spencer is helping. Spencer goes to get her stuff from the bathroom just as Em gets a text from Paige who assumes that the lack of confirmation about the dance means it’s not happening. Emily doesn’t answer and instead looks around the room. She spots a blue nail polish that sends her into an Aliback!
Aliback: Ali’s painting Em’s toenails with the blue polish. Emily makes crush faces at Ali who tells her that she needs to break up with her jock boyfriend because she deserves better and Ali’s a manipulative bitch. She actually goes to give her solid advice about needing to stop worrying so much about other people and start taking care of herself a little. Ali offers to dump him for Emily, saying she’s done it before. A friend was involved with a really scary dude, though this friend neglected to mention that the guy had a gun that he pulled on her. Emily is appropriately horrified by this revelation because these should not be the casual revelations of high school freshmen. Ali says the guy doesn’t go to their school, so she wouldn’t know him and that’s all she’ll say.
Spencer returns to the room with Emily’s stuff and Emily asks if Spencer ever hear about that time Ali had a gun pulled on her. She had not. Emily goes on to speculate that the story was about CeCe and Wilden and maybe that’s who Wilden was dating at the time of the creepy boat photo. She continues that maybe when CeCe returned to Rosewood she found herself again unable to shake Wilden. That’s… terrifying.
Mari: More terrifying than those leaps in logic.
Sweeney: In an apartment filled with newspaper clippings about Ali we see CeCe! Woah. Weird. We’ve spent half a dozen episodes talking about her so I kind of stopped expecting she’d actually show up. We pan around to more Ali pictures and a RED COAT hanging on a chair.
At the random hoe down, people are line dancing like pros when Hanna and Caleb arrive and are adorable. Mostly Caleb is adorable because Hanna has feelings.
They dance and he explains that his dad had bad blood with Wilden and he was worried that coming forward would implicate his dad. It was dark so he can’t be sure, but he thinks the girl was blond. The money had been left for him on his truck, presumably to silence him.
Caleb goes back to the drinks because they taste like ass. Aria and Jake arrives and he advises them to stick with water. Caleb asks Aria about this bet with Mike’s teammates and Aria, ever the best liar of the bunch, good friends that she toooootally knows all about Mike and his immature antics.
Spencer, Toby, and Emily all arrive together. Emily assures them that she learned how to do this from her father so it’ll be super easy! Spencer and Toby are adorably clueless. Emily spots Paige across the room and confesses that while she assumed Paige would be there, Paige didn’t know that she would.
Mari: She should probably explain that she forgot to text Paige back after the Aliback. I bet those convenient flashbacks have a way of derailing your day.
Sweeney: Hanna and Hall Lurker are slower now and he says that he gave her the money because he couldn’t hide it any longer. He’s done everything he’s going to do because he won’t sell out his family to save hers. With that, Hanna leaves the floor.
More shots of these inexplicably skilled hoe downers. I guess Spencer and Toby are the only people in school who missed the day everybody learned how to do this. (M: They were probably harassing dementia patients.) Aria looks adorable in her ridiculous little country outfit. Mostly because Lucy Hale is kind of precious, even if Aria isn’t. This adorable moment is ruined by Ezra staring at her like a creep. Jake notices, but doesn’t stop dancing because Aria doesn’t seem to have noticed.
Toby looks at his phone and now the random car picture is accompanied by an address and the information that this is Palmer’s old car. That caption would have been helpful a few hours ago. Spencer interrupts his brooding to invite him to dance. Everyone looks so adorable in their silly costumes.
Jake has decided to go directly to the creepy teacher who is bartending/chaperoning. He tells Ezra to give him and Aria a little space, noting that chaperoning this dance can’t have been mandatory for him. Jake says that he knows Ezra’s hurting but he needs to let Aria move on. Thank you, Jake, for being more of a grown up than Ezra. I will continue to not ask questions about your actual age. He orders two lemonades, having ignored the memo from Caleb.
Spencer and Toby are dancing and she asks if Emily said anything to him, but she did not. Toby says that he got and address and wants to go check it out right now, hopefully to find more tapes of his mother. Spencer again worries about this blowing up in his face. She questions his insistence that he knows what he’s doing since really none of them know what they’re doing. I’m glad you feel that way Spencer, because that makes me feel better about how I also have no idea what any of you are doing. (M: I have no idea what the writers are doing! No ideas for all!) Spencer slips up and reveals that she told the other girls. Toby flips out at her because that’ll be the last text he gets and this means she chose her friends over him. He storms out. Woooorst. Boooo!
Poor baby Spencer is left standing sad and alone with her adorable pigtails.
Caleb is getting food when Spencer begs him to go follow Toby. She takes the plates of food, promising to get Hanna fed (But what about him, Spencer? What about his need for delicious fried chicken fingers?) She tells him that she’s afraid that A is setting Toby up for something. Caleb hears her sad frantic urgency and goes off as requested.
Emily sadly stares at Paige and we see that a shaky cam is up above staring at her. Aria comes over and Emily again pushes for Aria to talk to Ezra. SHUT YOUR MOUTH, EMILY. Em spills about Ezra losing Malcolm, saying that he’s lost so much and is in a really bad place. GOOD. THAT’S WHAT HE DESERVES. Shaky cam is still watching Emily as Aria leaves. Emily looks up and sees Red Coat up above but walking away.
Hall Lurker’s Garage. Hanna confronts him to give him back that big stack of cash, saying that he can’t buy his way out of this. Why not, Hanna? Why not? She plays the guilt and leaves the cash, saying that he wouldn’t have come to her if he wasn’t ready to do the right thing.
Emily finds Spencer that she saw Red Coat. They look and see Red Coat leaving the building. They follow her out and spot someone running down the main road. Rather than chase her, they ask a strange old man to let him borrow their truck. LOL. He, obviously, declines. They, obviously, ignore this and see the keys conveniently in the ignition and decide that’s an invitation to rob this poor man.
Mari: I’d like to think the girls wanted to find A but thought, “running? No thank you.” Laziness is the only way this makes “sense.”
Sweeney: Inside, Aria goes to tell Ezra that Emily told her and she’s sorry. Ezra fucking finally does the right thing and tells her that he shouldn’t have come to her with her problems. He leaves the dance he should not be legally allowed within five miles of.
Grand Theft Auto Truck. Spencer is struggling with the manual transmission. Emily looks behind them and notices something moving in the hay. Spencer texts Aria SOS to come to the side door with Jake. They get out of the car and Emily grabs tools and immediately starts trying to stab whoever is hiding in the hay. Shit, Emily. (M: Remember how terrible murdering Not Anyone’s Cousin Nate was?) They come up empty, finding only a red coat.
LOLPD Station. Hall Lurker is there with his dad, having just finished explaining what he knows to Tanner. She asks if he could identify who he saw running through the woods. He’s not sure, but he is sure the gun shots came after Ashley left.
Elsewhere, Hanna’s sitting alone and anxious.
At the dance, Spencer and Emily search the coat but find nothing. She calls Toby to check on him, leaving Emily free to stare sadly at Paige some more. The girl Paige was talking to leaves just as Emily approaches her. Emily reiterates some out-of-context advice she got from Ali about not wanting to get the leftovers. She’s going to choose, as Ali advised, and she chooses Paige. I’m still mad at Emily for her terrible Aria advice, but it looks like that sociopath Ali did something good because they dance and it’s cute.
Aria goes to the Pedopartment (THANKS, EMILY.) because she wants to find out more about what happened with Malcolm. He says it’s all a mess that he’d rather not drag her into. She insists that she won’t leave unless he talks to her. UGH.
We see a curly-haired blonde watching outside the apartment in a black hoodie. She turns her head so we can see it’s definitely CeCe.
Next time on Pretty Little Liars: The girls get Magic 8 Balls from A in S04 E 12 – Now You See Me, Now You Don’t.
Nicole is the co-captain of Snark Squad and these days she spends most of her time editing podcasts. She spends too much time on Twitter and very occasionally vlogs and blogs. In her day job she's a producer, editor, director, and sometimes host of educational YouTube channels. She loves travel, maps, panda gifs, and semicolons. Writing biographies stresses her out; she crowd sourced this one years ago and has been using a version of it ever since. She would like to thank Twitter for their help.
I'm a 30-something south Floridan who loves the beach but cannot swim. Such is my life, full of small contradictions and little trivialities. My main life goals are never to take life too seriously, but to do everything I attempt seriously well. After that, my life goals devolve into things like not wearing pants and eating all of the Zebra Cakes in the world. THE WORLD.
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