Charmed S02 E05 – Ew.

Previously: A not-that-special musical guest help Piper’s club.
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She’s a Man, Baby, a Man!

Stephanie: It’s another night at the hippest place in SF, P^3. There’s a heat wave and Phoebe’s so hot, she’s rubbing ice all over her body and attracting the male patrons. Piper shoos the onlookers off and notes that Phoebe’s burning up. Phoebe says she doesn’t feel sick, she feels hot and aroused. Nope. I don’t want this episode.

Marines: Meanwhile, after I saw that opening? I did a little NOT MINE! dance.

Steph: Rude!

Every night Pheobe’s been having super steamy sex dreams with different men who find her irresistible. The dreams are awesome until she murders them. Piper says they just represent sexual frustration and boy, does she know about that. I guess there aren’t any benefits to having multiple boyfriends.

Mari: Or plot twist! Piper is a sex addict.

Steph: Prue arrives with some romantic frustrations of her own. She’s been on three dates with a guy, and he hasn’t even kissed her goodnight yet. She wonders if he’s just not that into her, and I wonder why I should care. Phoebe excuses herself because the man talk is becoming too much while she’s in her high arousal state. (M: Ew.)

Nighttime at the Halliwell Manor, and I’m dreading what I’m probably about to see. Phoebe is writhing around in bed. We get a look at her red filtered dream. One of the bland looking dudes Charmed loves so much says she’s the most beautiful woman he’s ever seen. He falls down onto the silky bed and there are some really weird shots of red lips. It’s not sexy. The man goes on a bit more about how irresistible Phoebe is and some kind of worm creature pops out of her mouth and shuts him up with a demon french kiss. Phoebe shoots awake. Well, at least we never made it to the sex part.

I AM THE SAHN.

Many establishing shots and then Buckland. Prue rushes into her office to check on her makeup and then rushes back outside. Her date, Alan, comes in and she probes him about their previous date. He says it was fine and that he’ll call her, which is exactly what Piper said guys say when they’re not interested. He leaves and Morris comes in. Prue tries to get some advice on men from him, but he stays silent because he doesn’t care about her love life either.

Once in her office, Morris tells her that 4 men have been murdered since the heat wave started. Morris shows her the file of dead men. All of the victims have massive brain damage and they’ve been completely drained of testosterone. They were also all part of the same dating service, and if the murder pattern continues, another man will die that night. He says he needs the sort of special help only Prue can provide, but this can’t be another unexplained case. That’s cool and all, but what are you supposed to do when the explanation turns out to be “demon”? Also, what are you even doing here anymore, Morris?

Mari: He sure is demanding for someone entrusting a civilian with his detective work. But still, points for not caring about Prue’s love life.

Steph: Morris is only good for representing how little we all care about the love plots.

Halliwell Manor. Phoebe’s on the couch sweating profusely and drinking iced tea. She tells Piper that her dream felt real and that she totally killed that guy, but Piper thinks it was just a dream. Has she forgotten that her sister is a witch with the power of sight? Prue comes home and she’s concerned about Phoebe’s fever for three whole seconds before changing the subject to the Dead Man File. Phoebe freaks out because she recognizes the victims as the men from her dreams. Piper is still kind of skeptical because everything is stupid.

Mari: I was distracted by Phoebe using the iced tea jug to cool herself and then drinking directly from it. I hope no one else is thirsty.

Steph: The dreams have been going on since the murders started. They wonder if maybe Phoebe’s powers are developing, but Phoebe thinks she’s the killer. She explains that it’s totally possible for something like this to happen, like that time Piper became a Wendigo. As annoying as Phoebe can be, she’s at least aware of the magical world she exists in, which makes me like her more than the others sometimes. (M: WHUT.) (I’m so ashamed, but it’s true.) Prue says that Phoebe should feel up items at the dating service to see if she gets a vision. Piper will stay home and find nothing in the Book of Shadows.

Phoebe and Prue arrive at Fine Romance while Morris and a man, who I assume is his new partner, snaps photos and praises their glorious breasts. Prue’s nipples are fully visible so, fair, I guess.

Once inside, a woman with Jennifer Tilly’s voice greets the sisters. Phoebe says that Prue wants to sign up, and leaves to have a look around. Tilly Voice offers Prue a one year membership for the low, low price of $3500. She can feel the man troubles coming off of Prue. Prue stands there all offended.

Meanwhile, Phoebe bumps into a guy in the hall. She still has sweat all over her chest, by the way, but her face is completely unaffected, thanks to matte foundation. (M: It’s nearly a reflective surface. What even is this sweaty chest?) They nervously small talk about how neither one of them seems like the sort of person who would be at a dating service. You know, they’re not losers. For some reason, even though she’s sex murdering people, Phoebe still thinks it’s a great time to pick up some men. The man introduces himself as Owen. When Phoebe shakes his hand, she has a vision of dream sex and then murder by demon tongue. She rushes away.

Tilly Voice seems to have convinced Prue to join the service. I don’t know why she’s paid 3k for something she’s not interested in, but that is some true dedication to creating a diversion. Phoebe runs over and pushes her out.

Piper window watches Dan wash his car. This scene would have been more effective for me if he was doing something less mundane and more sexy like playing with a group of puppies, or preparing snacks.

Mari: Or at least not washing his car fully clothed. In dark colors. During a heat wave. 

Steph: He has to keep his clothes on at all times because he knows his creepy neighbors are always watching him.

Prue and Phoebe return and get the low down on what Piper found in the book when she wasn’t ogling the neighbor. She landed on information on Succubi, which in Charmed lore, is a horny witch. (M: AHAHA. HA. HA. Hmm.)  She also found a spell to defeat it. Prue thinks that she should cast a spell to attract it, and if it’s Phoebe, Piper can freeze the room. That plan sounds stupid.

Later, Piper sits in a circle in the attic with the BoS and recites the spell to attract the Succubus. Flames appear and when the spell is finished, they’re relieved that Phoebe hasn’t been set on fire. That’s great, but the spell has turned Prue into a man. I don’t even know what this episode is supposed to be about anymore.

M: THEY DREW A GIANT MALE GENDER SYMBOL ON THE FLOOR FOR THE SPELL. WHAT WERE THEY EXPECTING?

Steph: What! I totally missed this! Maybe if I were paying better attention I would have been less taken aback by this bizarre plot twist. Or if I had, you know, read the episode title.

Phoebe and Piper try to convince Prue to come out of the bathroom where she’s locked herself until the spell is reversed. Piper says that there’s no reversal and maybe Prue will have to be a man until the Succubus comes. They think that Prue should head over to the dating service and sign up as a man. Prue eventually comes out and s/he’s sad about her penis and hairy body. What she should really be sad about is her ugly beard. Phoebe laughs at her so s/he goes back inside the bathroom. They convince her to come outside again by saying that s/he’ll get to be a woman again quicker if they hurry up and catch the Succubus.

Piper and Phoebe give Prue tips on what makes a man a man. Confidence, sports, and money, of course. Because we are all stereotypes. They tell her to visualize the man that she admires to get her masculine walk right. She walks across the room and they laugh at her because she walks like Richard Simmons. The door bell rings. Phoebe says she’ll use Morris’s files to figure out the Succubus’s type and the other two should answer the door so Prue can get some man practice. Phoebe leaves with one more tip to Prue to channel Tom Hanks. Well, that’s exactly who I was thinking of as the epitome of manliness.

It’s Dan at the door and he doesn’t recognize Prue even though she looks exactly the same. Piper introduces Prue as “Manny Hanks.” HAHAHA. That’s like, the second time this season I’ve laughed when I’m supposed to! Progress! Piper goes off to get ice for Dan, leaving Prue there to make awkward man-chat.

Piper finds Phoebe on the floor because she had another erotic hot flash. Phoebe thinks she must be psychically connected to the Succubus and they’re both in heat. (M: Ew.) Phoebe has another vision, this time, she sees gross egg sacs. If they don’t stop her, even more men will die. Not a problem for me. Maybe they can bring in some more interesting male characters when all the others are dead. (M: A+)

Man Prue tells Dan that Piper isn’t really seeing anyone while she mimics all of Dans movements and poses. Piper and Phoebe give Dan his ice and push him out of the house. Prue continues to not be confident about her ability to be a convincing man. How about just act regular instead of like a jittery weirdo?

Prue has her dating video shot at Fine Romance. She describes the things that she wants in a partner, and sounds all sensitive and shit, so the woman filming loves it.

Elsewhere, Phoebe and Piper try to get information on Owen from Tilly Voice. I don’t know if I’m just getting used to all the bad style, but I like Phoebe’s hair. I’m so ashamed. Tilly Voice won’t give out information to non-members, so Piper freezes her. Phoebe grabs member binders for Owen. Dan’s also a member, so she grabs that binder too.

Morris and his partner (Smith) are still outside taking photos. Smith makes some rapey comments about the women and then decides to join the mixer and be that one guy everyone tries to avoid. Morris reluctantly follows.

Phoebe spots Owen at the mixer. She wants to bring him back to the manor and protect her with her love. I did not realize that they referred to their own house as a manor too. That’s stupid. Phoebe gets up from the sofa, boobs first, (M: …for balance?) and heads over to Owen.

The video woman tells Man Prue that she’ll probably start meeting women the next day because her video came out awesome.

In another room, Piper watches Dan’s video. Dan’s very embarrassed because his sister got him his membership and he doesn’t really want to be there. He eventually gives in and explains what he wants in a woman. It’s not very interesting, especially because we all know Piper and Leo are end game. Basically he wants the girl next door, yada, yada. Piper smiles fondly at the TV. She’s not bothered by how much Dan needs a haircut, stat.

Mari: Or by the fact that they are trying to catch a murderer and she took this romantic subplot break.

Steph: Phoebe chats with Owen and sweats tons. (M: Seriously, there is basically a swimming pool on her chest.) Owen gets up to get her a drink and she has another red filtered vision of the mixer. The succubus is there. Phoebe panics and starts to make her way over to Owen, but she’s stopped by Smith. She has another vision of the Succubus moving. Morris comes in all pissed that Smith has his hands on Phoebe and Phoebe yells at Prue to take Owen out, so she punches him in the face. Smith tries to arrest Man Prue for illegal punching, but she punches him in the face too. Morris arrests both her and Owen even though he’s the victim of assault. Piper has another vision that shows the Succubus has switched her attraction to Prue. They seem worried about this even though it was their dumb plan all along.

Police Station. Phoebe and Piper try to convince Morris to release Manny Hanks. They explain that Manny is the reason there hasn’t been anymore heat wave deaths. They ask for him to keep Owen locked up because he’s a potential victim. Morris unhappily agrees.

Manor. Prue wonders how men get things done because of all the sex thinking, but she’s still managed to do all sort of house fixing tasks. Good thing Manny is here, because women don’t know how to do anything themselves. Keep striving to break down those gender stereotypes, Charmed. Piper tells Prue that Alan called and he wants to go out again, but she told him she can’t because Prue’s feeling hormonal.

Phoebe’s fever is getting worse as the Succubus gets hungrier. She’s also eating from a jar of pickles between her legs. Prue has a plan. Her sensitive video was a huge hit, so she has dates at P^3 with all the women and hopefully one will be the Succubus. Piper is like, “nope,” because another crappy band called The Cranberries is coming in for a sound check.

Mari: At least I know who the Cranberries are! DO YOU HAVE TO, DO YOU HAVE TO LET IT LIIINGEEER?

Steph: Well, now I’m the only loser with no music knowledge.

Piper and Phoebe start getting irritated with how manly Prue is becoming. It all started with the punch and now Manny feels like a real man. SEX. PUNCHING. I AM MAN. Piper says that Dan is a real man, ’cause he’s not all punchy and brutish like Manny. They go over to the window to look at Dan more. Phoebe admires his tan, but that dude just looks white to me. I don’t get it. Manny admires the car’s trunk because he is full man now.

Morris and Smith are staked out outside P^3. Inside, Piper and Phoebe go over their plan. Phoebe is sweatier than ever but her makeup is still flawless. Anyway, the plan is that Manny will lead the Succubus out into the alley, Piper will freeze her, and then Manny will use his powers of man until she bursts into flames. Nice plan, guys. Manny checks out lady butts because Prue has become every single terrible male cliche. He sits at the bar and is joined by good ole Alan. He takes this opportunity to probe him about his Prue feels. Turns out, Alan is just as confused about dating as Prue is, but he really likes her. He hasn’t told her his feelings because he doesn’t want to scare her away. We’re never going to see this guy again, so why are they even bothering with this?

Mari: Because this show hates us. I think.

Steph: Phoebe has another vision of the Succubus looking at Manny Prue. It’s the woman who recorded the dating video.

Meanwhile, Manny and Alan continue to talk about what it’s like to date Prue. I fall asleep. Piper summons Manny to the alley via massive flip phone. Phoebe stops camera lady, but she has another vision and she’s not the Succubus.

Out in the alley, we finally get to see, in a very shocking twist, that the Succubus is the only other woman who has appeared in this episode, Tilly Voice. Manny tries to magic-knock her away, but it doesn’t work. The Succubus tells him to call her irresistible and he complies. Her demon tongue starts to emerge but Piper comes outside just in time to freeze her. Manny says he couldn’t stop her because he started to feel… “IMPOTENT?” Phoebe chimes in. Manny says to never use that word around guys because it really hurts their man-feels. Boohoo. Who wrote this episode? May they never write again.

Mari: So, it was written by a man named Javier Grillo-Marxuach, who also wrote episodes 11 and 17. Both yours. 

Steph: Noooo! The universe hates me. Also, I was thinking, “I bet a man wrote this,” and what do you know!

Mari: Funnily enough, he’s most known for writing a handful of episodes during the first seasons of Lost. Huh. There’s the official entry for this recap’s “I’d Rather be Watching” game.

Steph: Fingers crossed that those next episodes will be Lost quality, but I don’t think I’ll be that lucky.

Anyway, the Succubus unfreezes and starts to run away. Smith appears and gets pushed down. Morris threatens to shoot and does so when the nasty Succubus tongue makes an appearance. Morris asks if the sisters are alright. They are, but Prue still has her sad goatee.

Mari: Morris seems waaay too chill about that demon tongue. Your lack of curiosity is probably why you suck as a detective, dude.

Steph: Coroner’s office. The coroner tells Smith that they found high levels of testosterone in the Succubus. Smith thinks this is all very strange and also comments on the hotness of the corpse. The coroner leaves and Smith watches him go in a suspicious way before having a little peak at that sexy dead body. No one is shocked when he ends up getting demon tongued. Bye Smith.

Manor. The sisters consult the Book of Shadows again and realize they probably didn’t defeat the Succubus because she didn’t burst into flames. Manny provides some more man insight, saying that guys are scared of rejection too, and that’s why Dan hasn’t asked Piper out. Yes, this seems like the best time to talk about dating. Phoebe runs in and confirms that the Succubus is definitely still alive. Thanks, we saw. Prue wonders why she can’t use her powers as Manny and then excuses herself to pee, but she says take a leak, like men do. Phoebe has a vision of the Succubus in the bathroom with Manny. The rush over, but it’s too late, they’re gone.

The Succubus has Manny in her love den. She goes on about how Manny’s tape is the best tape.

Back at the manor, Phoebe uses her connection to the Succubus to figure out where Prue is, but there’s not enough to go on. Piper has an idea. She says that Phoebe needs to use the connection in reverse and project stuff at her. We flip flop between Phoebe and the Succubus on top of Manny. Phoebe starts to control what the Succubus says. She makes her tell Manny that she’s a woman. Because she’s a woman, she can reject the Succubus. The Succubus is pissed and tries to use her tongue on Prue, but she punches her away, and it’s definitely my favorite demon defeat yet. Some candles conveniently fall and set the Succubus on fire. Manny becomes Prue again. She happily touches her boobs.

Mari: Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. The Book of Shadows said the Succubus would go up in flames but that only happened because there were sexy time candles nearby. So… like… what?

Steph: Who cares? We’re almost done!

Manor. Phoebe confirms the death of the Succubus and Prue’s safety. Why do we always have these stupid scenes rehashing stuff we just saw?

P^3. The club is packed for The Cranberries. Prue enjoys being a woman again by displaying her boobs in a little black dress. Phoebe has some weird senorita look going on with flowers in her hair. You were doing so well earlier, girl. Prue tells her sisters that she learned some very good lessons about how men and women are different but also the same. Piper has learned that it’s time to work on boyfriend #47 and excuses herself to go talk to Dan. As for Phoebe, she has hot date with Owen. She explains this to Prue with lots of stupid doctor puns.

The Cranberries perform and it’s bad. You know, the good thing about the bands playing for ages is that each episode is now 10 minutes shorter. Everyone dances with their new boyfriends. Even Alan shows up to get down.

The Cranberries sing on and on. Someone let me know how it was. I fast-forwarded through the performance.

Mari: I guess we’ll never know why Phoebe had a psychic connection to the succubus? And what the heat wave had to do with anything besides being able to spritz Phoebe’s breasts? I guess we’re just supposed to be cool because all the womens gets their mens?

Steph: Plus, we never found out what happened to those egg sacs. So many unanswered questions. Lucky for us, we don’t care what the answers are. 

I thought this episode was going to be all about Phoebe wiggling in bed while having wet dreams. That’s not what we got, and for that, I am grateful.

 

Next time on Charmed: Two hikers accidentally release an evil witch with a magic snake in S02 E06 – That Old Black Magic.