Previously: Nosy dance instructors instigate drama and Jack dips his toe into the gay dating pool.
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First Encounters of the Close Kind
Democracy Diva: Shrine O’Spielberg. Dawson is watching his Really Dumb Witch Island Movie. Joey climbs in the window just to make us all aggravated when the episode has barely begun. Dawson is nervous about an upcoming screening of his Laughably Terrible Witch Island Movie, but Joey reassures him that it’s great and will help him make his dreams come true or some bullshit like that. (K: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH. Sure it will, Joey. Sure it will.)
Joey also helpfully exposits that she has a contrivance college tour this weekend where she’s staying with a random student. Dawson thinks this will be a magnificent adventure; Joey believes it could be a complete disaster that destroys them forever. The music kicks in early because we’re all done listening to them do this shit again.
HEY YEAH YEAH YEAH.
Pretty college campus. Dawson, Joey, Jack, and Andie are all there because reasons. Andie gives the entire history of the college, because she’s Andie, and has an interview there. Everyone walks their separate ways and it’s #meaningful.
K: It’s supposed to be Harvard, right? Because it’s in Boston and Andie’s all “BEST COLLEGE IN THE COUNTRY” and it gives me Gilmore Girls flashbacks, so I’m joining the dots to Fake!Harvard.
Diva: Yeah, I was definitely calling it Fake!Harvard in my head too.
Dawson goes to sign in for the film festival thing. A beautiful girl is taking his information and one of the questions on the form, for some reason is, “favorite director.” He says Spielberg and she laughs at him, because she’s also a Snark Lady. She looks familiar and then I realize, oh my god you guys, IT’S KENDRA THE VAMPIRE SLAYER.
Ugh, I would love for her to stake Dawson through the heart right now. I mean, I want that always, but especially now, because he didn’t bother to write a description for his film on the form. Because “there wasn’t enough room.”
He tells her about Embarrassing Bullshit Witch Island Movie’s transformation from one kind of awful film to another, and she’s like, ok cool bye, I have vampires to slay.
K: This scene was both magical and disturbing for me. Disturbing because it led to the discovery that Dawson Leery, perpetually butt hurt man child, is LIKE A MONTH OLDER THAN ME which made me think about how much of an asshat this fictional character would be at the age of nearly 32. But magical because KENDRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!! And the negative infinity fucks she gives about Dawson and his shitty movie.
Diva: Joey enters the supposed dorm room of her roommate, and there’s a rude bro there instead. Joey’s looking for a girl named AJ, and this dude is unhelpful, yada yada yada, it’s because he’s AJ. And she’s Joseph, of course. AJ is condescending and obnoxious and Joey’s like, uh, I’m so not staying here. He talks down to her about co-ed colleges and how she’s too immature to handle it, so she stays because she’s a fucking idiot. She doesn’t explain that she doesn’t want to stay there because he’s an asshole and a stranger, not because she’s too afraid to talk to boys. He then kicks her out so he can study, so, I’m not sure why he was so eager to have her there in the first place.
K: But seriously, do these “we can’t work out what gender this person is” mix ups ever actually happen in the real world?!
Diva: Nope. Classic TV misunderstanding-shenanigans.
Elsewhere on campus, Andie greets Jack, who is awkwardly hiding a Boston guide book. She tells him to go check out a museum. He looks down at his guide, called THE PINK PAGES, obvi, which is the gay guide to Boston.
Andie goes in for her interview and it turns out, it’s not until March. I don’t know how time exists in this universe, because #seasons, but I guess it’s not March yet? (K: Given that your last episode covered Thanksgiving, that seems like a pretty good guess.) (D: Remembering things is hard.) Andie drops her dad’s name – he’s an alumnus – and asks if she can be squeezed in for five minutes with the dean. Fran, the unreasonably kind secretary, nicely tells her that all these people waiting actually have interviews today, so, NO, CRAZY. Could you imagine if Andie and Paris Geller were in the same room together? I think the universe would collapse.
Completely Implausible Witch Island Movie screening. Some people are scoffing at Dawson’s film, because they have eyes. (K: A+) There is a sad little bit of scattered applause at the end as some lady says, “Been there, seen that.” They ask Dawson to step up for the Q&A and at first, he slinks down in his chair. Then he takes the stage, awkwardly and nervously. The only question is from the sassy lesbians, who want to know if Joey is here, because she’s hot.
K: I mean, it’s not surprising. I’ve made vlogs better than Dawson’s shitty movie and let’s be real here: my vlogs are pretty terrible.
Diva: Your vlogs are awesome, but even if they were pretty terrible, they’d definitely still be better than anything Dawson ever made.
Kendra the Vampire Slayer follows Dawson out to see if he’s okay. He of course will not admit that anything is wrong with his flawless film, instead saying that it’s not hipster enough for these “pseudo-intellectuals.” Dawson, you’re sixteen goddamn years old and you think Spielberg is the best filmmaker on earth. You have no right to call anyone else on earth a pseudo-intellectual. But I’m actually happy this is happening so that we can use the tag “ignoring the vampire slayer is a plot device.” Kendra apologizes for what went on in there – I don’t know why, she didn’t have anything to do with it. She says he’s riding the coattails of Blair Witch, which is 100% true, but of course he’s indignant and defensive because he’s the worst. (Also, Kendra’s name is Nikki, but good luck getting me to call her that.) (K: I’m glad we’re agreed on that.) And of course the first thing she asks about is Joey and what their relationship is, because that’s the only interesting part of World’s Most Boring Witch Island Movie. She tells him not to patronize her because she’s trying to give constructive criticism – YAY KENDRA! – and storms off. Best move you’ve made today, girl.
Jack gets on the bus behind two guys holding hands. He watches them be happy together, and it’s sad/cute.
Joey finds Dawson brooding on a bench. He thinks the pseudo-intellectuals might be right about Even My Sea Monster Movie Was Better Than This Witch Island Movie. She tells him that movies are important to him and this is his dream. She’s watched him make this a reality and she’s proud of him. I care SO LITTLE ABOUT THIS, you guys.
Dean’s office. Andie got the janitor to let her in and she brought Fran dessert, because girl is nothing if not persistent to the point of terrifying. Fran tells Andie that she’s got “chutzpah” and I giggle. She can tell Andie’s upset, so she talks about her seven kids, none of whom went to this magical college, and they’re all okay with it. Two are doctors, one investment banker, and “the three girls are married,” which means there’s nothing else in their lives worth mentioning, I guess, and one didn’t go to college and is a musician. The point is, whether Andie goes here or not will not change whether she finds fulfillment in her life.
K: Okay, the “the three girls are married” thing was the fucking worst, but can we talk about the fact that we get TWO fabulous women of colour schooling our privileged upper middle class white kids about their privilege in this episode? Because that was basically the highlight of the episode. Besides, you know, the Crossover Magic.
Diva: Amen.
Joey sits in on a class that her roommate AJ happens to be in. And he’s teaching, because he’s the TA. He of course immediately calls out Joey and asks about her favorite book. “You read, don’t you?” He says, like a condescending dick. She says Little Women is her favorite and he predictably makes fun of it. She explains the history of their family, which sounds a lot like Joey’s life story, so I get it.
A glasses-wearing girl says the book is anti-feminist, because that’s what us glasses-wearing girls tend to do. Her classmates agree, and also think Alcott was a sell-out. AJ says, pointedly, we can’t consider a book “great” just because we can identify with the heroine. AJ follows her out of class and Joey is like, ugh, get away from me you book-wielding douchemonster. She tells him she just wanted to have fun this weekend, and he had to go and be a garbage person instead. AJ apologizes and asks for a chance to show her a good time. But not in a sexual way. But maybe a little bit.
Dawson’s watching another movie and the person next to him is all, omfg who made this it’s flawless. Everyone gives a standing ovation, and of course the filmmaker is Kendra the Vampire Slayer.
K: This bit was hilarious because Dawson’s face when Kendra stands up? Is pure “oh shit, an actual filmmaker with skill judged my crappy movie, not just some random girl? Maybe I’ll have to take her comments seriously.”
D: After the not-break, Dawson tracks down Kendra. Now that he knows she might be valuable to his career, he’s suddenly wanting her advice, but still being a little baby about everything. She asks if they can start over, and he says yes. This is important only because it happens like eleven more times with every pair of people in this episode. Anyway, Kendra asks for constructive criticism of her movie. He can’t give any, because he just complains about her terrible reviews of his film, because, again, HE’S THE WORST. Kendra apologizes for being insensitive – AKA constructive – and of course Dawson wants to know why she didn’t mention she was a brilliant filmmaker earlier, so that he could have treated her like she was human. Then he congratulates her and walks away.
Andie and Fran have coffee. She tells Fran about her mother’s mental health problems and how she’s going to write about her mom in her college essay. Fran gives her advice: 1) always wear sensible shoes and 2) don’t blame yourself for things you can’t control. I like you, Fran. You get a half a Sandy Cohen eyebrow for that wisdom. She tells Andie that life can surprise you.
AJ takes Joey into the rare book and manuscript library, because that’s where you take girls like me and Kirsti Joey. He gets down a book to show her – it’s Louisa May Alcott’s very own copy of the first half of Little Women. This is probably around the time that Kirsti and I both started screaming at our computer screens because WHY IS SHE TOUCHING THE PAGES WITH HER OILY PAPER-DESTROYING FINGERTIPS.
K: I’ve worked with paper conservators, and a lot of them are all “Eh, as long as your hands are clean”, but then again that was when we were handling relatively insignificant land deeds, not Louisa May Alcott’s copy of Little Women, so…yeah. And because Diva basically read my mind, I’m going to copy my notes verbatim: JOEY STOP TOUCHING THAT BOOK OH MY FUCKING GOD. WHERE IS THE BOOK SUPPORT? YOU’LL CRACK THE TEXT BLOCK IF YOU HOLD IT LIKE THAT. PLEASE TELL ME YOU WASHED YOUR HANDS BEFORE ENTERING THE RARE BOOKS ROOM HOLY SHIT STOP.
Diva: True life: my experience with conserving old paper is basically just the rule that when you read from the Torah, you have to use a little pointer instead of your finger to keep your place because your finger-oils will ruin the paper. #jewthings
Anyway, Joey and AJ read aloud from the book and act out the parts that are relevant to their lives or whatever. She says her mom named her Josephine after this book. AJ notices her use of the past tense, and Joey explains that her mom died and that’s why she loves reading and re-reading Little Women. And of course, AJ’s favorite book is the Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe. #YAFOREVER
Jack arrives at a gay club that he can somehow get into even though he’s underage. He looks terrified. Some guy with perfect eyebrows and earrings comes over and hits on him. Jack literally runs away in fear.
K: Jack, you poor adorable baby. This is why you bring Jen places with you.
Diva: Film Festival for Kendra’s Good Movie and Dawson’s Awful One. The winner is NOT Kendra the Vampire Slayer. She’s devastated, and walks out. Dawson follows her because half this show is dramatic exits and people following each other out of places. Dawson tells her she was robbed. She’s like, can I just be alone with my feelings right now, but Dawson doesn’t listen because, he doesn’t really give a shit about other people. He says he can’t believe she’s so upset – REALLY, BRO? – because what happened to him is completely different from what happened to her. Kendra explains that, like a normal human, she really wanted to win. He tells her that her film was inspired and inspiring. She moved people and that’s more important than accolades. She gets all, “awww, you liked it?” and I’m angry because in real life this girl would be like, okay goodnight, douchebag.
Andie and Dawson talk about how they both got what they wanted this weekend but in an unexpected way. Thanks for literally having a conversation about the moral of this episode, guys. I definitely wouldn’t have figured out what was going on without that helpful anvil falling on top of my head.
K: Thanks for letting us break out our “hit over the head with the anvil of storytelling” tag, show!
Diva: Such a necessary tag.
On the train ride back, a Cute Guy asks Jack if he can sit with him. I’m pretty sure it’s that guy who Buffy had tragic magic vagina sex with in college! (K: YUP. I’m incapable of calling him anything but Parker Abrams, you guys.) The crossover magic is strong in this episode. Anyway, the guy is also going to Capeside, so, YAY, because he’s gorgeous. Kendra runs into Dawson on the train, and they bond over both behind children of divorce. Of course, her dad lives in Capeside – he’s Principal Green. And she’s already in Dawson’s film class.
Jack talks to Cute Guy on the train. He’s home for some comfort after a break-up, with a “him.” He can tell Jack is gay, and Jack wonders if it’s obvious. Cute Guy’s all, um, yes, because you are totally going to get your heart broken, you adorably frightened creature. Cute Guy introduces himself as Ethan, and I swooned pretty hard, NGL.
AJ and Joey walk and talk about their all-night chat about literature. AJ talks about some math thing that’s probably a boring metaphor but I’m not paying enough attention to care. The point is that Joey should get some distance from the her and Dawson stuff. He asks if he could call her sometime, and she agrees. And that suddenly reminds me – THIS EPISODE HAS NO PACEY AND SO I HATE IT. Anyway, Joey writes her number on AJ’s palm, and they both smile.
K: Meanwhile, I stop to be grossed out because a) she’s sixteen and b) he’s a TA so clearly isn’t a freshman. Which means he’s like 20. Which means this show is trying to add ANOTHER pedolationship to Traumaland.
But on the plus side, Dawson gets totally butthurt over Joey talking to ANOTHER another guy that isn’t him, and LOLOLOLOLOL.
Diva: I can’t believe I didn’t even notice the ped-tastic age difference. Traumaland, stop forcing me to get used to disgustingness.
Back in the Shrine O’Spielberg, Dawson and Joey are all freaked out about the reality of college. He asks what life lessons she learned this weekend, and OH MY GOD, just learn your lessons and stop having big speeches about them. NO ONE DOES THIS IN REAL LIFE. Joey thinks the room feels smaller; Dawson thinks it feels safe. She leaves, through the window, and I throw my computer across the room.
K: Accurate reaction. This episode was incredibly dull and I flip flopped between RAGE and I HAVE ZERO FUCKS TO GIVE with occasional stop offs at SOMEBODY PLEASE FIND JACK THE GAY TEENAGE BOY VERSION OF A WATCHER BECAUSE THAT WOULD BE MAGICAL. But mostly, my notes say this: NEEDS MORE PACEY.
D: I know we say every episode needs more Pacey, but guys, THIS REALLY NEEDED MORE PACEY.
Next time: We will probably care a lot about Jack’s love life and not at all about the Leerys drama in S03 E11 – Barefoot at Capefest.
I'm a J.D. by day/blogger by night who directs her snark and judgment primarily towards celebrities and their many red carpet mishaps. Blogging from the style capital of the world (just kidding - I live in DC), I rant and rave over the best and worst in fashion and pop culture.
I'm a 30-something librarian and I still live with my parents because I'm super broke. Leader of Team Heartless Cow. I have an inexplicable love for 90s television, eat too much chocolate, and read more than is good for me.
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