Previously: Baby hi-jinks!
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Awakened
Stephanie: P^3. Piper is behind the bar chopping up some kind of fruit I can’t identify because I only eat cake and potato chips. (M: I’m eating potato chips as I comment. High five!) Phoebe shows up clad in pink fuzz, all excited because she’s just enrolled in college. This show doesn’t have enough boring side plots, so here’s another one. Phoebe needs some help narrowing down which classes to take, but Piper coughs her way out of that boring task. She’s been too busy doing things for P^3 to take care of herself, but she thinks the cough is probably nothing, which means it’s definitely something really bad. Phoebe starts helping with the fruit cutting and she’s as baffled as I am about what that thing is. Piper explains that it’s a kiwano melon that she had smuggled in from space South America. No, that’s definitely an alien monster egg and it should not ever be consumed by a living human.
Phoebe tells Piper that she needs to start taking care of herself and then considers becoming a doctor, which is the most terrifying thing that could possibly happen.
Marines: If my doctor walked in wearing that fuzzy pink thing, or some of the head gear Phoebe has been known to wear, I’d take my chances with disease.
Stephanie: Agreed.
Meanwhile, Prue’s at work identifying a Monet painting while Jack makes gross jokes behind her. Prue gets annoyed because he’s always thinking about sex, but Jack doesn’t want to seem forceful, he just really, really, really wants to know when they’re gonna do it. Like, no pressure, but… when?
Back at P^3, Piper panics about club stuff as Phoebe follows along trying to convince her to head home. Piper’s vision gets blurry and she hilariously collapses to the floor. Phoebe yells for someone to call 911 and everyone stares uselessly. (M: They should at least be pointing and laughing; that was indeed pretty hilarious.)
I AM THE SAHN.
Too many establishing shots. Piper is in the hospital and we fade between her knocked out face and Prue pacing while some weird Cibo Matto sounding song plays. Piper wakes up and she can’t remember anything that happened. Prue says they don’t know what she has yet and Piper brushes it off because it’s probably just mono. My first guess would be demon affliction or space fruit disease, but okay.
Mari: Are you asking them to either be aware of the supernatural world they live in or at least acknowledged the ridiculous plot points introduced not-at-all subtlety at the beginning of episodes? No, girl. MONO.
Stephanie: I expect too much from this show. When will I learn?
Out in the lobby, Phoebe tries to get a hold of Piper’s doctor to find out the results of her blood test, but Piper’s been switched to a different doctor. Phoebe sits down in the waiting room and a boy in a wheelchair comes over and asks her why she’s so sad. She tells him that her sister is sick and they don’t know what’s wrong with her, and he’s all, “yeah me too, but I got this cool ass ninja doll.” Phoebe explains that the doll’s actually a witch wizard who can fight all the demons bad guys in his body if he thinks hard enough about it. I have no idea why any of this is happening, but the kid is psyched about his magic doll, so that’s cool.
Mari: It’s kind of nice and kind of a dick move. I mean, what if this kid ends up being diagnosed with something terminal and Phoebe’s all, “don’t worry, this sweet ass ninja doll is going to cure you!” Rude.
Stephanie: Piper’s new doctor, Dr. Williamson, shows up with his gaggle of interns and he’s all, “they’re studying infectious diseases, like me.” Way to break that to her, ass.
Phoebe follows the doctor into Piper’s room. He gets right down to business, asking Piper if she’s been out of the country because she has Oroya fever. She hasn’t, but she did get bitten by a fly that flew out of her crate of space fruit. The doctor orders antibiotics for her fever and then gets beeped away. Phoebe stops him as he leaves to find out if Piper will be okay, and the doctor is like, “I’ll find out when I find out, and OMG I can’t believe I have to answer your questions.” He’s horrible. (M: The super worst.)
Phoebe climbs on top of her dying sister and they all just kind of smile at each other for too long. Piper thinks she’ll be fine since she’s just getting antiobiotics after all, but Phoebe has a better idea: call Leo so that he can heal her. Piper says no because of Dan and it’s not like this has anything to do with warlocks and also Leo isn’t even their white lighter anymore. Wait… he isn’t? Don’t be surprised that I continue to remember nothing about the things that have happened. Piper orders everyone to get the hell out of her room and call Dan. Phoebe gives Piper a bunch of kisses before leaving.
Mari: I’m more upset that she’s all, “nah man. I don’t want instant healing because of relationship struggles.” STFU and get your damn insta-healing. Dammit.
Stephanie: Buckland. Prue talks to Jack about the Monet painting. He goes along with it for a bit before telling her she needs to go home. Prue can’t keep up the busy act and she breaks down. Jack gives her an awkward hug and tells her to go to the hospital while he handles the rest of their assignment. Jack’s alright here, but I fully expected him to ask her to come over to his place so he could take her mind off of things with his penis, so my expectations were pretty low. Prue’s cell rings and the scene cuts away when she answers. This is all so dramatic and I just don’t care. Does anyone?
Mari:
Stephanie: Perfection. This is a great visual depiction of my brain during every episode.
Halliwell Manor. Phoebe fills Dan in on Piper’s condition and they hug. Prue calls and tells her they need to get to the hospital right away. Dan and Phoebe rush over and find Prue, who says that she doesn’t know anything except that Piper’s condition has gotten worse. Dr. Williamson comes out with his dead inside attitude and tells them that they can’t do anything more for Piper. Either she’ll come out fo the coma or won’t and gosh, stop asking for so much from me, I’m just a doctor after all! Phoebe starts cry-wailing and Dan and Prue make teary cry faces all while Piper lies in bed unconscious with a breathing mask.
Manor attic. Prue is determined to find something in the Book of Shadows to help Piper, but Phoebe points out the personal gain problem that hasn’t ever been a problem for them anyway, but it will be this one time just ’cause. Prue says there’s no downside because they’d be keeping the power of three unbroken. Phoebe still wants to call Leo before resorting to the book, but they’re not even sure how to get in touch with him. They start yelling “LEO” over and over and what do you know, he tinkles right on in. He already knows that Piper is sick because he’s been watching. He can’t do anything because the Council of White Lighters or the Powers that Be or whoever the heck “they” are won’t let him interfere. Even if he could help, his powers may not work since Piper wasn’t hurt while fighting evil.
Mari: She bought those fruits for alcoholic-drink-making. A case for fighting evil could be made.
Stephanie: Leo hears the twinkle whispers calling him back to the beyond. He apologizes, tells the P’s to tell Piper that he loves her, and tinkle-tinkles away. Consequences be damned, the girls turn back to the BoS for answers.
Prue and Phoebe arrive at the hospital again armed with an “awakening” spell. Prue heads off to get Piper’s blood and Phoebe goes off to get a puppet… poppet? No clue, and seeing what Phoebe grabs in the future didn’t help clarify this for me.
Mari: I was really hoping you knew so I could save the Google search. But alas. According to Google, one definition of ‘poppet’ is, “a small figure of a human being used in sorcery and witchcraft.”
Stephanie: Well, at least one of the things that happened here kind of makes sense.
Prue enters Piper’s room and magics a tube of her blood over to her while Dan is distracted with his sad feelings.
Phoebe finds the sick kid from earlier. The wizard ninja has helped him feel better and he gets to go home. Yay. Phoebe asks if she can borrow the doll for a while and the kid’s like, “keep it, I feel awesome.”
Phoebe returns to Piper’s room and lies about a busted soda machine to get Dan out. They place the doll on top of Piper in preparation for the spell. If this episode turns out to be about Piper “awakening” in a ninja doll, I don’t know how I’m going to deal with the mental damage.
The girls drip blood on the doll and recite the spell. Dr. Williamson tries to get into the room because, of course, these dumbos didn’t lock the door. They continue the spell while Prue uses telekinesis to keep the door shut. For a moment, the spell doesn’t seem to be doing anything but then Piper shoots awake. So she didn’t wake up in a ninja doll, but maybe she’ll become a ninja? Look, I’m just trying to make sense of why this fucking doll is here. The doctor storms in to check on Piper. Phoebe throws the ninja into the hazardous waste bin. There’s an ominous zoom in of the doll and then it opens its eyes. Here we go.
Mari: Tell me this isn’t happening.
Stephanie: Dan rushes into Piper’s room, dropping soda cans everywhere when he sees she’s awake again. They embrace and she assures him that she’s okay. The doctor is impressed by her quick recovery. Even her gross fly bite is gone. Everyone jumps on top of Piper in excitement and the doctor stands by glaring at them all. Seriously, what’s his deal? (M: Demon who placed the fly in the crate? LOL. NAH. BAD ACTING.) Meanwhile. the ninja sits up and it looks fucking stupid because now it’s a miniature guy dressed as a ninja with a weird looking doll mask. The doll breaks out of the waste bin, pricking a nearby nurse with his sword in the process. He does a bit of stupid swordplay before running off. This is really happening. (M: Well, crap.)
Empty P^3. The P’s and Dan are all happy about Piper’s recovery and Phoebe is dancing everywhere like a weirdo. Piper encourages Dan to go home since he hasn’t slept since she got sick. They have a chemistry-free kiss and he leaves. Piper confronts Prue and Phoebe, who are playing the hand game Numbers for some reason, about the spell. She’s concerned about personal gain, but Phoebe is all “naaah.” Piper says she’s not complaining, she’s just happy they didn’t call Leo. Prue and Phoebe make guilty faces, but Piper doesn’t notice. There’s another group hug and then Prue realizes that she needs to finish authenticating the Monet painting. She hurries off, leaving Piper and Phoebe behind to clean. Prue starts cleaning, except she’s suddenly zooming around everywhere in fast motion. Phoebe’s head flicks back and forth as she watches her. She stops her and says that she’s found a consequence. I don’t know, but that seems like an awesome bonus power to me. (M: SAME. Personal gain is awesome.)
Back at the hospital there’s been an outbreak of Oroya fever and three people have gotten sick. Dr. Williamson has called the CDC, which consists of one guy who’s annoyed he has to do his job at night. He informs CDC Guy that all of this started with Piper Halliwell.
At Buckland, Prue tells Jack that Piper’s well again. Prue changes the subject and for a moment it sounds like she’s breaking up with Jack, and I get so excited. Jack starts to defend their love, but psych, she’s talking about the Monet. It’s a fake. Jack thinks that they should just go ahead and authenticate the painting anyway, and he explains that some things just don’t hold up to such close scrutiny. Prue looks concerned/thoughtful. I can’t really tell. Some sort of “I’m acting here” face.
More CDC people show up at P^3 in hazmat suits with a court order to take the P’s into custody and quarantine the club.
At the hospital, Dr. Williamson answers questions at a press conference about the Oroya outbreak. No it’s not an epidemic. Yes, it’s contained.
Meanwhile, Dan is watching all of this unfold on the news as one of the reporters mentions the quarantine at P^3. Dan grabs his keys and hurries out.
Piper and Phoebe are locked up in a room at the hospital. They try to get information from a passing doctor, but she just tells them Dr. Williamson will be by. Prue eventually gets put in the room too. She overheard doctors talking about the others who also have the fever even though it isn’t supposed to be contagious. Finally, they piece together that all these stupid things are happening as consequences of the awakening spell.
Mari: It’s so many stupid things together in one episode. That’s the consequence for the audience too.
Stephanie: How come we get the consequences with none of the fun magic?
Elsewhere in the hospital, the Doll Kid is asleep. A nurse exits the room and closes the door, but not before that stupid looking ninja sneaks in. I can’t decide if this miniature person with a doll mask is worse than if they’d used a real doll for the effect. Different kinds of terrible, I guess.
Mari: I straight up laughed when he used his mini-ninja-sword to stop the door from closing. This is so weird.
Stephanie: Dr. Williamson joins the P’s to tell them that the disease isn’t airborne. Piper thinks that means they should be free to go, but Dr. Williamson is like, “nah.” He doesn’t understand how Piper recovered so quickly, and he needs the P’s to stick around so he can test their blood and find out what helped her survive. He says all of this as if Piper is a bad person for getting better instead of dying. Is this guy evil or just a really terrible person?
When he’s gone, Prue concludes that the spell must have awakened everything in the room, including the disease. UH. OKAY, show. (M: The ninja is the disease? HUH?) Piper decides that the only way to save everyone is by reversing the spell and then calling Leo to cure her. Prue breaks the bad news that Leo can’t help. None of this matters because they don’t know the reversal spell and they’re stuck in quarantine. Lucky for them, Prue recently acquired the power of astral projection. Prue says she can’t do it because she doesn’t know how to astral project on command but then she closes her eyes and astral projects on command. She appears before the Book of Shadows and flips through the pages.
Hospital. Everyone is getting sick, and doctors looking in at Prue in astral projection mode think she’s a weirdo.
Manor. Prue memorizes the reversal spell.
Hospital. The stupid ninja ninja-flips onto the sick kid’s bed and pulls out his sword.
Prue gets back into her body. They hold on to Piper and recite the spell. I don’t know why it took her so long to memorize this, it’s like two lines. (M: Same thoughts. We’re getting to the end of the episode though so everything has to make less sense.)
The ninja is about to stab the sick kid, but the spell is activated just in time. No word on why the awakening spell made the ninja stabby and evil. The kid wakes up and Piper collapses to the floor. Dr. Williamson, his terrible social skills, and his medical posse bust into the room all “tell me what the hell is going on!” They lift Piper to a hospital bed and try to recucitate her, but they’re losing her. Phoebe slow motion wail-cries.
Dan arrives just in time to watch Piper dying. The doctors continue to work on her while Phoebe continues to wheeze. Dan makes lots of hilarious sad faces. Suddenly, Piper’s spirit floats out of her body. (M: Oh my cats. WHAT.) She rises up until she sees the light. She looks at it and Leo emerges. Dear god, you guys. This show just outdoes itself every time with stupidity. Leo tells her to take his hands before she dies. He says that this is the only way he can heal her without “them” finding out.
The doctors declare Piper dead just as she takes Leo’s hands and her spirit floats back into her body. She wakes up surrounded by embarrassing cry-relief acting. Dan’s relief is short lived though because Piper’s first words are, “Leo.” Aw, shit. The doctors don’t get what the fuck just happened, but Dr. Williamson is sure as hell gonna find out. Are they setting up an antogonist here? His acting is confusing me so much. The girls surround Piper and cry more happy tears.
Buckland. Prue has decided to quit her job. THANK GOD. NO MORE BUCKLAND SCENES. NO MORE JACK? PLEASE NO MORE JACK.
Mari: This is almost worth the inexplicable angry evil ninja doll and the inexplicable way Leo could suddenly save Piper in the pre-afterlife! BYE JACK.
Stephanie: Prue is over how bullshit her job has become since the new boss took over and she has no interest in being involved in selling inauthentic Monet paintings. She tells Jack that she’s been seeing and experiencing things that have made her want to make changes. The close call with Piper made her realize she can’t waste time doing things she doesn’t want to be doing or being with people she doesn’t want to be with. She tells Jack that he’s opened her up to so many new things. Like what? He’s done nothing but stand around being awful. She tells him she needs to be alone for a while, kisses him, and leaves with her “I just quit” box. BYE JACK.
p^3. Piper gets rid of her alien eggs. The club is doing alright despite the quarantine, but probably only because they’re giving away drinks. Piper wonders where Dan has been, and Phoebe (who is wearing the front of a pair of jeans on her chest) tells her that he heard the Leo thing, but Piper wasn’t thinking of Leo , she was just getting rescued. They’ve all learned a valuable lesson about not taking things for granted and being unemployed instead. Why do they keep talking about unemployment if they co-own a successful club?
Mari: Probably because they only remember that club when it’s plot significant.
Stephanie: Good point.
Leo walks in like he’s never seen people dancing before. Piper joins him and thanks him for saving her floating spirit. Unfortunately, the Council of White Lighters (I have no idea if this is a thing, just go with it) found out what Leo did and clipped his wings, but it’s not permanent, he’s just suspended so that Piper can spend the rest of the season pursuing a relationship with him. Now that he’s a mortal, Leo thinks he has a chance with Piper and he’ll fight for her even though she just told him she’s with Dan, but who gives a shit what she wants, right?
Mari: And somehow, in an episode with a disease ninja, this ends up being my least favorite thing.
Next time: College girls cast a spell on some animals in Charmed S02 E13 – Animal Pragmatism.
I'm a 30-something south Floridan who loves the beach but cannot swim. Such is my life, full of small contradictions and little trivialities. My main life goals are never to take life too seriously, but to do everything I attempt seriously well. After that, my life goals devolve into things like not wearing pants and eating all of the Zebra Cakes in the world. THE WORLD.
I'm a miniature adult who still gets offered the kid's coloring menu at restaurants. I like to pretend I'm an illustrator, but mostly I spend my time complaining about TV on Twitter. My life dream is to have my consciousness placed into an android body so that I'll have more time to watch/read things.