Previously: We’re not sure, but the Liars ran around New York, CeCe got out of town and Ezra didn’t die.
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Whirly Girlie
Jessica: A bus pulls into Rosewood. Aria, Hanna, Spencer, Emily and Alison get off. Ali hesitates at the last step and tries to run back on, but Emily stops her telling her that A is gone and she doesn’t need to run anymore. So, if I remember correctly, they think A is dead because Shana is dead. But didn’t they have that in-the-park A rave too? Apparently they have blocked that out. I, however, have not. That was about the most memorable thing last episode, aside from Shana dying from falling like 2 feet off the stage.
Spencer says it’s ok because this is the right decision. Ali wonders if she should go home first and talk to her mom, but Emily reminds her that her mother buried her. As if she could forget. Spencer says the LOLPD needs to know she’s alive. “You need to walk in there and tell them everything,” says Emily, because they clearly could never figure any of this out on their own. I’m not even being sarcastic here. They couldn’t.
Spencer says she should start her story not with her disappearance, but with The Jenna Thing, to clear everything up. Ali syas she can’t do this, but Emily tells her she’s not in it alone. Aria takes the blame for what happened to Shana and says she can handle it, but Ali has to handle the rest. Hands up for those who think Aria actually will handle this. Anyone? Anyone?
Marines: As much as I’d like to rank on Aria (and I do like it), I have to say that I’m more wary of Alison right now, who has got this wide-eyed “I’m gonna mess things up so hard” look on her face. I’m surprised any of the Liars think this is going to go well. At all.
Jessica: Yeah I mean, she did try to run right back onto the bus about 15 seconds ago, and now they’re having to convince her (I’m assuming) all over again to go through with this. Ali’s got the crazy eyes.
They walk across the street to the LOLPD and Detective Holbrook comes out all surprised, as Ali introduces herself. “I know who you are,” he says, not even letting her finish her sentence. Then she drops her bombshell by telling him she didn’t disappear but was kidnapped and held hostage for two years. Her friends saved her life, she says, while they all look at each other like “Fuck here we go again.”
SHHHHHH.
Police station of not being allowed to finish your sentences. Holbrook shows Ali the photo he showed the Hastings family of her and the Liars together. It’s not the only photo he has of her being in Rosewood during her 2 missing years and asks if she has any memory of it. “It was the night that I got away from him,” she says. She spins a story of running away from her captor and asking her friends to hide her. “You thought that they’d be more helpful than the police? Your parents?” he asks and LOL forever because even though this is a fake story, yeah, pretty much.
Detective-ing is hard.
Ali said she was scared of being found, and that her friends hid her in a shed in the woods. Holbrook keeps poking holes in Ali’s story and she keeps answering with excuses while the Liars look at each other in awkward silence. Then Mr. DiLaurentis shows up and he and Ali hug. As Holbrook walks away, the girls whisper to each other, and wonder why only Mr. DiLaurentis showed up and not Mrs. D.
Mari: I’d be more pissed at Ali deciding to lie and not cluing them in. Also, I’m not sure what’s stopping any of them from being all, “NOPE. SHE’S A LYING LIAR.” Loyalty, I guess? Oh, wait. Plot.
Jessica: Hastings House. Mrs. Hastings tells Emily to call her mom, who’s stuck in Dallas due to weather, and that she can stay as long as she needs to. Alone together, Mariska Mom wants Spencer to talk. “You knew Alison was alive for over a month and you never said a word?” She’s mad about it, and says that a dead girl is still in Ali’s grave and Spencer says she had nothing to do with it, no matter what her mom believes and already the Spencer feels are threatening to overwhelm! Having your parents absolutely convinced that you murdered someone must be rough. “I’m not accusing you of anything right now but poor judgment,” Mariska Mom says. Shitbag Hastings is in Philly, getting Spencer’s car with Melissa. That she’s back from London is news to Spencer, but Mariska Mom says not to expect any souvenirs “because all she brought back was attitude” and this made me LOL so hard, and I’m not entirely sure why. So ridiculous. “And secrets,” she adds with a sigh. Then she lets Spencer go upstairs.
Mari: Um, the next time I’m back from vacation, all I’m bringing is secrets and attitude! I’m going to save a TON of money.
Jessica: I feel like “Secrets and Attitude” needs to be the title for something. Like a telenovela, or a coming-of-age teen girl flick about the Olson twins going abroad and learning life lessons (or whoever is the current teen equivalent of the ’90s Olson twins). (M: Freakin’ no one. ’90 Olson twins 4eva!)
Marin Manor. Ashley is giving a similar talking down to Hanna, but with much better parenting. Hanna’s trying to deflect with food, but Ashley wants to know how Hanna is actually doing, how she can feel safe if this dangerous person is still out there, and how she felt when Alison was alive. Hanna responds angrily, and says Alison just need it to end, no more questions. Ashley backs off and offers to make food. Best Parent in Rosewood Award? Anyone? (Now that Emily’s dad is out of town, that is.)
Mari: Ashely has certainly come a long way from hiding Free Little Old Lady Money in a pasta box.
Jessica: Aria’s on the phone, trying to get more info about Ezra Fucking Fitz. Mike comes in and asks if it’s true that Ali’s alive after being kidnapped. “I’m kind of surprised she didn’t kill the creep with her bare hands,” he says but Aria doesn’t want to talk. She’s also surprised when he asks why Mr. Fitz is in the hospital. Does her entire family call her on-and-off-again boyfriend Mr. Fitz?! Eeew. (M: SO WEIRD.) Mike starts poking holes in her story, and she pushes Mike out of her room.
Emily is on the phone with her mom outside of the Hastings House, telling Ali’s kidnapping story. Spencer comes up and she hangs up. Spencer’s mad because “A is finally dead” and they were ready to get back to their lives but instead they’re “on Planet Alison.” Honestly, are they really dumb enough to think that Shana was A this whole time? When even she said that she only turned on Alison after talking to/falling in love with Jenna? And did they think all those A’s in the park were just part of a weird New York performance piece? Oh no, I’ve fallen into the plot-hole-poking questions loop again. Abort! Abort!
Back in the scene, Spencer keeps ranting that it’s like they’re back in 9th grade and on the “whirly girly ride.” You may be angry, Spence, but at least you get the gold star!
Mari: May it comfort you as you navigate another stupidly long season full of inexplicable lies and even! more! shock! when A makes another comeback. Again.
Jessica: Spencer’s over having to cover for Ali. Emily tries to rationalize it, but their argument is interrupted by a nearby sound. It’s New Jason, doing some late-night car cleaning, which Spence and Emily find appropriately suspicious. “Why would you be squeegeeing your back seat if your sister just got back from the dead?” Spencer asks. This ridiculous line appropriately sums up this season so far.
He goes inside and they run over to investigate his newly cleaned car. A window opens and Ali throws a roll of toilet paper out, with a cellphone tucked inside (just go with it). It’s got a text message that says “The truth will bury you in a New York minute” from an unknown number.
They ask her who sent her this and she draws a question mark in the window condensation and leaves. Because she can’t text them her answer because she threw her phone at them.
Mari: 1- Well, that was a quick comebackbackback for A. I expected end of episode at least. 2- It’s going to be a boring night for Alison. You should’ve maybe forwarded the text, dummy.
Jessica: Hopefully she’s at least got a deck of cards in her room or something.
Not Commercial Break. Ali walks into her closet, stares at her clothes still on the rack. She picks up a creepy doll on a nearby chair and holds it, while her father comes into the room. She says she’s fine, even though they haven’t been able to reach her mom. Mr. D says the police have put up a barrier at the end of the street, and she doesn’t have to leave the house or talk to anyone until she’s ready, to keep her feeling safe. He promises to help her forget the 2 years she was gone, then pulls something out of his wallet. It’s a picture of her as a little girl, which he says he refuses to let go of, which can’t be exactly healthy. He kisses her on the head. Alison tearily stares at the picture. Before he leaves, he tells her that he and her mom have split. She apologizes and he leaves. Alison cries in her room.
Montgomery Manse. Aria has a weird montage dream of Shana and wakes up. Violin music is being played outside her room, then she gets a call from Hanna. Hanna asks who sent “it” meaning Ali’s phone message. Aria doesn’t know yet, so Hanna explains. Apparently Ali saw the text when she went into the police station, which made her decide to lie to Holbrook at the last minute. “A message from A?” Aria asks but Hanna is in on the delusion of thinking A is dead.
DiLaurentis Domicile. Ali is lying in bed and hears a noise. She pretends to be sleeping while her door opens and a shadow looms over her bed. It’s New Jason being suuuper creepy and staring at her.
Mari: Okay, maybe it’s the water? What other reason is there for every person in this town doing things like creepy murderers?
Jessica: This simply supports a previous theory that everyone in the town except the Liars is A.
Next morning. Mr. DiLaurentis comes to Marin Manor. Hanna eavesdrops. Mr. D asks Ashley for her help, wondering if she’s heard from Mrs. D. He wants her to go through Mrs. D’s email, since she changed the password, and Ashley’s understandably hesitant. She suggests New Jason might know something, but Mr. D dismisses him as being either in shock or too drug-addled to be normal.
DiLaurentis Domicile. Jason’s outside and hides his phone as Ali comes onto the porch. He tells her she can’t be out here with the press and police at the end of the street. She sits down and wonders why he hasn’t asked her any questions. He figures she might need her space. She wonders her mom’s reaction when she found out about Ali. He says she was stunned, but he’s not all that convincing. A car pulls up in the driveway and he tells her to get inside. A lady gets out with a collie and says that Mrs. D arranged to have the dog, Pepe, brought over because she wants to adopt him. “My mother didn’t order this,” New Jason snits. “It’s a dog, cowboy, not a pizza,” says the shelter lady, and while I’m not sure how “cowboy” could ever be applied to New Jason, I appreciate her attitude to his bitchiness. Alison likes the dog and takes him inside.
Step aside, LOLPD. Lassie is on the case
Rosewood’s One Coffee Shop. Mike sees Mona outside and tries to talk to her. Mona says she’s ordered whistles for every girl in the school and is on top of this possible dangerous-kidnapper-roaming-the-edges-of-Rosewood-looking-for-young-girls-to-abduct scenario. No word on worries about pedo-tastic teachers in the schools, I add. (M: Because age is just a number!) Mike says he misses Mona and she looks a bit softened.
Hastings front yard. Emily’s going to the DiLaurentis Domicile to return Ali’s phone. Spencer says that Hanna told Aria about the text, and they commiserate about Aria being so silly about worrying that A is back. Is Aria seriously the smartest one right now? Has she been the only one paying attention? (M: The world is topsy turvy. Someone please listen to Aria.) Spencer thinks Jenna sent the text.
Spencer rifles through the DiLaurentis trash bins, in case New Jason threw something useful or clue-like out. Apparently he did— a bag from a New York bakery. Guilty! Emily wonders if Mrs. D has had New Jason following Ali for months, maybe years. Her theory is that Mrs. D thought Ali would turn on her, and the only person she’d protect over Ali is her son.
Aria is at home, internet surfing for news of Shana, then remembers Google cache history and deletes her search. Violin music stars playing (remember how Shana used to play violin? Yeah, I barely did too, but it’s easier than the swimming team aspect), and apparently A (excuse me, “someone”) has hacked into her iPod and it’s all violin music. She pulls out her headphones in horror, as many teens would when confronted by classical music instead of the usual Miley Cyrus and Justin Bieber (sorry teens, had to get that dig in). (M: Complaining about the music is the precursor to “get off my lawn!”)(J: Heh. That would be fun.) She runs off.
DiLaurentis Domicile, Ali’s room. The dog is sitting on Ali’s bed while Emily tells her the new theory about Mrs. D. Ali wonders what Spencer thinks, if she should “be afraid of our big brother.” Spencer says she doesn’t know. Spencer thinks that Ali was pushing both families too much with that secret, and that might have given Mrs. D enough motive to frame the rest of the Liars to look like, well, liars. Alison has a few ideas and Spencer wants in on them, but Ali deflects, saying she made up the kidnapping lie to protect now-a-killer Aria. Spencer wants to be consulted first. Emily plays peacemaker, saying they have to focus on the person trying to sink them now. Who they still believe isn’t A. B, maybe?
Marin Manor. Hanna walks into the kitchen, where Ashley is on the computer. She admits to be looking into Mrs. D’s emails. (Side note: it kind of bums me out when all Jessica’s seem to be either evil twins or child-burying moms. Can anyone come up with a nice or cool Jessica character? Anyone?) (M: You have Jessica Wakefield! JUST KIDDING, SHE’S THE WORST.)(J: Dammit!) Ashley talks out her discomfort with this with Hanna, but Hanna’s all ‘better you than the police.’ A convenient phone call draws Ashley away, and Hanna is left alone with the computer. If you guessed that Hanna finishes her cereal and walks away without looking at the computer, then you are most certainly watching the wrong show.
Hastings House. Spencer walks into the kitchen and her face lights up as she hugs Toby, who’s chatting with her mom. (M: What even is that hair? Dislike.) Apparently while Melissa told everyone Toby talked to her in London, that was a lie. Toby actually did go to London, but Wren answered the door at Melissa’s supposed apartment and said she wasn’t there anymore. Mariska Mom leaves, telling Spencer to stay close to home. Toby knows about Alison but wants to hear the real story from Spencer.
Secret Shed in the woods. Aria is frantically unfolding a blanket and Emily comes in, startling her. It takes me a minute, but I realize that this is the shed that Ali told Detective Holbrook that her friends were hiding her. Aria is trying to make it look like someone was hiding out there. How is Aria becoming the smart one? My world is overturning. But she is also doing the Aria crazy big eyes thing, mad that Emily tried to keep her in the dark about Ali’s threatening text. Aria wonders why she thinks it wasn’t A and Emily blurts out it was because she “was there when Shana/A was killed.” Aria is not pleased with this mention of her hand in Shana’s Disney-esque falling death.
Emily doesn’t approve of what Aria is doing, saying it’s one thing to corroborate Ali’s story, but another one to add to it. Even though that’s not exactly what Aria is doing here but whatever. I can’t believe I’m defending Aria right now. Aria’s worried that if A learns she killed Shana, she’ll be dead too. Emily says it was self-defense, but Aria big eyes that it doesn’t matter! She’s not sure she can live with what she did.
Emily sits down and says that in the moment it was “you or her.” That’s right, Emily killed Nate! She says she’s been there. Aria reminisces when their biggest problem was peanutbutter and braces. But now you’re both murdering liars, so sucks to be you.
Mari: At least they don’t wear braces anymore! That would be awful.
Jessica: Marin Manor. Ashley once again abandons her laptop where Hanna can read it. Hanna sees an email to “unspecified recipient” that says “I can’t protect you anymore.” I’d pretend this meant something, but I know that nothing will come from it for entire episodes, or if anything does, it will lead to more non-reveals, so I exhibit no surprise nor suspense. Sorry show, but I won’t be burned by you again.
Hastings House. Toby and Spencer are having a make-up make-out sexy session. Let’s all welcome the return of Toby Abs! Hello Toby Abs! Spencer tells him the next time he goes to London he’s taking her and they’re never coming back. Legit, and I would watch that spinoff, if only mostly for the Toby Abs.
These abs could launch 1,000 ships
DiLaurentis Domicile. New Jason and Mr. D are arguing over NJ wanting to go to Philly to vaguely give something to a friend. (M: IN A REALLY MURDERER-Y WAY. I’m guessing.) Mr. D thinks NJ is hiding Mrs. D’s whereabouts and doesn’t want him speaking to a reporter. Emily awkwardly interrupts this conversation, as Ali asked her to take Pepe for a walk. Can I just say that Pepe is now one of my favorite characters?
Mari: Probably because he can’t speak and does things like a dog instead of like a creep.
Jessica: Aria’s house. She walks in on Mike and Mona giggling on the couch. Big eyes. Mona asks if she was walking around in the dark all by herself. Mike hands Aria her iPod which he borrowed. She asks if the violin music was coming from his room last night and his best answer is “I guess.” He leaves and Aria confronts Mona, who gives her a whistle. “What are you trying to prove Mona?” Aria big-eyes. “Is this a threat?” Aria reveals that she and the other Liars know that Mona hid Ali in the hotel room the night she disappeared. Mona asks how Mr. Fitz is doing and Mike returns to stop this conversation before it gets too interesting or non-reveals something.
DiLaurentis Domicile. Hanna is handing over some documents that her mom sent over, as Emily returns from walking Pepe. Mr. D invites them to dinner, and Emily says yes but Hanna says no. Emily follows her lead and they leave together. Emily’s like “why can’t I eat dinner?” which would be exactly my question and Hanna tells her to get in the car so she can show her the latest info she’s gathered on Mrs. D. Emily shares that Mr. D thinks New Jason is hiding her in Philly. Hanna shows the “I can’t protect you” email which Mrs. D wrote but apparently never sent.
New Jason startles the crap out of them and me by banging on the car window. Hanna unwisely rolls it down. He tells her to stay out of his mom’s business and then gets into his own car and drives away. Emily urges Hanna to follow him, which they do.
Bad part of town city scene. Philly, I’m assuming? Hanna and Emily watch New Jason as he walks out of a sketchy building back into his car and drives off. They get out and think that there’s no way Mrs. D would hide there, very similar to how they were pretty sure that Mrs. D would not be able to jump from roof to roof. Emily wants to see who answers at the buzzer he pressed.
“Who are you looking for?” asks a guy in a slurred voice nearby. Emily makes up a story about a subletting vacancy, but slurring dude DGAF and scares them off.
Hastings House, Spencer’s Bedroom of Hello Again Toby Abs. Her phone rings, but she’s too focused on Toby and kisses him. She turns off her phone, and he asks what’s going on. She says nothing, unconvincingly.
Mari: How can she lie to those abs? That Spencer Hastings has a will of iron.
Jessica: Mausoleum. Someone in a black jacket, with a rose, reaches out and touches the part of the mausoleum that has Ali’s name on it. The camera pans up to reveal Alison herself, looking conflicted.
Someone comes up behind her and she asks “Did you follow me?” It’s Mona. Alison says she had to come to say goodbye to the girl who’s in the grave. “I can’t be that person anymore, Mona,” she says. She knows Mona wanted her to go to hell, and coming back from it is hard. She says they understand each other. “I need you Mona. As a friend.” Mona quotes the phone text about being buried in a New York minute. “In case you were wondering, that was me.” She says she should have signed her name because she doesn’t have to pretend to be anyone else anymore. “I don’t have to hide. You do,” she says all dead-eyed and shark-like. She takes the rose and tells Ali she’s going to wish she stayed dead and walks away.
DiLaurentis Domicile. Spencer knocks on the door but it opens on its own. She walks cautiously inside, calling out for Ali. New Jason is sitting in a chair in the dark like a Bond villain. He calls her out for going through the trash and she asks if he was in New York when Ali came back to Rosewood. He wonders what she thinks he did. “Why were you in New York?” Spencer asks. Pepe barks in the distance.
Emily, Hanna and Aria also hear the barking and come outside. Pepe’s staring at something, which is revealed to be a hand sticking up out of the dirt. The three girls freak out, and Pepe growls at it.
Pictured: a better detective than all Rosewood LOLPD.
Spencer runs up with New Jason. The hand belongs to Mrs. DiLaurentis. She’s put into a body bag while all of them stand around and an angsty song plays. Mr. D is being questioned by police, and Mariska Mom hugs Spencer. Ali stares at her mom in the body bag, still dressed in her A-like sweatshirt. LOLPD goes in slow motion around her as she stares and stands still among them as her mom’s body is wheeled away.
Well, this episode was interesting. Aria was sort of the smart one but also crazy. (M: But I’d give everyone crazy eyes too if I pushed someone off a stage and they DIED.) And we get to say welcome to Pepe the dog and welcome back to Toby Abs. A mixed bag, to be sure.
Next time: Aria talks to Ezra again and Emily talks to Paige again in S05 E03 – Surfing the Aftershocks.
I'm a chronic book nerd and love storytelling in all forms. I'm particularly excited by the rise of the television show as an art form with long, cinematically beautiful plots and complex character arcs (I also watch cartoons). My travels in the past handful of years have led me through three continents and most recently landed me among the majestic mountains of Colorado. Some day I will compile all my travel journals/blogs into one place. Some day. Until then, you can find me with craft beer in hand, ready at any moment to deeply and passionately discuss survival tactics for the zombie apocalypse.
I'm a 30-something south Floridan who loves the beach but cannot swim. Such is my life, full of small contradictions and little trivialities. My main life goals are never to take life too seriously, but to do everything I attempt seriously well. After that, my life goals devolve into things like not wearing pants and eating all of the Zebra Cakes in the world. THE WORLD.
