Previously: Don’t. even. blink.
—
Utopia
Marines: The TARDIS materializes and the Doctor announces they are in Cardiff. Martha is like, “CARDIFF?” so he has to explain that Cardiff is built on a rift in time and space. He stops here every now and then to refuel. The Doctor says it should only take 20 seconds, but also notes that the rift has been active.
We cut outside. Someone is running toward the TARDIS, but we don’t quite see his face. Some of you may notice that the Torchwood theme is playing. I didn’t notice but I always watch with closed captioning, so. Back in the TARDIS, Martha remembers that they had an earthquake in Cardiff a few years back and the Doctor is like, “yeah, farting aliens.”
Outside, we now can see Captain Jack Harkness’s face as he runs straight for us.
Kirsti: My notes at this point just say “JAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACK!!!!!!”. They will say much the same thing when we get to 10×06 and the Twelfth Doctor mentions Jack, because I literally screamed it at my television when it aired at the weekend.
Mari: “When we get to 10×06,” lol.
TARDIS. The Doctor comments on how farting aliens was a long time ago. “Lifetimes. I was a different man back then.” #NineFeels #RoseFeels #NoFeelsforFartingAliensThough
Back outside, Jack is yelling for the Doctor. The TARDIS is all fueled and ready to go so the Doctor starts pulling the LET’S BLOW THIS JOINT! levers. Jack launches himself toward the dematerializing TARDIS and inside there are crashes and sparks and bangs. Martha asks what’s going on and the Doctor looks at his monitor and says they are being propelled trillions of years into the future. They are going to the end of the universe.
Meanwhile, Jack is still outside, catching the worst piggyback ride of ever.
In the future, some human-like creatures with face tattoos and pointy teeth all look alert. A Pointy Teeth Man announces that humans are coming.
K: Yes, because trillions of years of evolution would have resulted in nothing more dramatic than pointy teeth.
Mari: AND FACE TATTOOS, KIRSTI.
DOO WEE OOOHH.
Trillions of years in the future. A man comes running out of some brush, looking panicked and like trillions of years in the future really sucks. One of the Pointy Teeth Tribesmen sees him and starts yelling HUMAN! and other tribespeople yell back HUMAN! and Panicked Man runs away.
Elsewhere, an older gentleman (Professor Yana) picks up the chanting on his radar. He tells his coworker who’s got some kind of cheek antenna (Chantho) that there must be another human hunt going on, but they can’t help the poor beggar. He’s just another lost soul looking for Utopia.
Chantho tells Yana not to talk that way and he just sarcastically toasts to Utopia. I’ll just mention now that Chantho speaks by starting every sentence with “chan” and ending it with “tho.” I’m certainly not going to recap her dialogue that way, but it’s happening.
K: I have really mixed feelings about Chantho. On the one hand, she’s totally adorable. On the other, there’s something quite…icky and colonial feeling about her character? IDK IDK.
Mari: Yana asks if Chantho will have some coffee with him, but she says she’s cool with her own internal milk. Yana looks like he never needed to hear that. This is all interrupted when someone calls down and asks how everything is going. Yana is like, “yeah, yeah, yeah. Fine, fine, fine.” Chantho starts to give a more in depth update about footprints and calculation methods, but Yana zones out to a place of drumbeats in his head and a slightly constipated looks. Chan calls him back to reality and he just says, “yeah, yeah, I’m working,” again. That’s basically me, Monday-Friday, sans maybe the head drums.
K: Same. Except instead of the head drums, I have obnoxious songs.
Mari: Anyway, Chantho was actually trying to show him a really weird reading on the surface scanner. It’s box shaped.
In the TARDIS, the Doctor has his serious face on because he has no idea what’s outside. He says not even Time Lords have traveled this far.
Mari: The Doctor and Jack say hello next and go over the whole Jack-looks-the-same and Doctor’s-got-a-new-face thing. Jack says that the Doctor abandoned him and he answers shortly that he was busy and life was moving on. Jack saw the list of the dead at the Battle of Canary Wharf and Rose’s name was on it. The Doctor brightly tells him that Rose is alive, safe in a parallel universe. They hug and have feelings and Martha sad-pandas in the background. Stop it, Martha.
K: Seriously, Martha, stop. Mostly because I’m too busy having Doctor Feels because this is the first time since Canary Wharf that he’s seen someone who actually KNEW Rose, someone who shares even a tiny bit of his feelings about her.
Mari: We cut to Jack catching everyone up on what’s happened since we last saw him. He explains to Martha that he used to be a time agent and has a bracelet thing that lets him time travel. The Doctor PFFTs at this and says that if the TARDIS is a sports car, his bracelet thing is a space hopper. Martha is amused.
Jack used his space hopper but landed in 1869 and had to live through time, parked by the rift, waiting to coincide with the Doctor. (Also, I think season 1 of Torchwood happened in here somewhere…) Martha asks why the Doctor just left Jack in the first place. The Doctor says he was busy. Martha asks if he seriously just goes around leaving people behind and Jack says not if they are blonde. And that’s not entirely true, though, because he DID leave Rose.
K: He didn’t really leave Rose by CHOICE, though. More “if I don’t leave, the universe will be torn into pieces and I’m kind of attached to the universe, so…yeah.”
Mari: Either way, Martha just hears the part about Rose being blonde and gets huffy about that.
The Doctor tells them to quit “blogging” because they are at the end of the universe. They look over a cliff to some sort of city below and are talking about where all the people are when Panicked Man runs by them, all the Pointy Teeth Tribe running behind him. The Doctor says that looks like a hunt to him so they all take off after Panicked Man. Jack is all exhilarated because apparently he’s missed running with the Doctor. Or adventure or something.
K: I’m pretty sure that line is equal parts Jack to the Doctor and Barrowman to Tennant. Apparently they used to drive the crew nuts because any time they had to run, they’d turn it into a race.
Mari: If that crew doesn’t appreciate watching Barrowman and Tennant run, well, I’d like to go back in time and volunteer as tribute.
Anyway, they reach Panicked Man who is still panicked. Jack points his revolver at all the tribespeople, but the Doctor calls him off. Panicked Man says they need to get to the silo, and that sounds like a good enough plan for everyone.
Silo gates. Panicked Man yells at the guards to open the gates because the “futurekind” are coming. The guard asks everyone to show him their teeth. He confirms that they are all human (mostly right!), yells at the other guards to let them in, and closes the gates behind them. The Pointy Teeth Tribe gets too close and one of the guards shoots at their feet. The Tribe leaves but not before managing in broken English to say that they would like to eat all of their faces off. The Doctor thanks the guard. Panicked Man introduces himself as Padra and asks if they can take him to Utopia. The guard says he certainly can.
Lab. Someone calls down to Yana and tells him that they’ve got new humans inside. One of them is claiming to be a doctor of everything. Yana is excited.
Out in the silo, the Doctor is worried about getting the TARDIS back. Padra (Panicked Man) is worried about finding his family. The guard they are complaining to (Atillo) calls out to a little boy named Creet. Everyone follows Creet.
We see that the silo is a refugee camp. People have pictures of their loved ones hanging along the walls. Creet and Padra call out for the latter’s family members. Jack says that it stinks and that sends the Doctors into an impassioned speech about what wonderful survivors humans are. Our stink goes on.
K: And it’s hella white. SIGH. I also can’t help but laugh about the fact that their one piece of security against murdery psycho killers is a padlocked gate.
Mari: And a teeth check!
Padra finds his relations, Jack finds a random man to flirt with and the Doctor finds a locked door to override. The Doctor calls Jack off the flirting because he needs help with the locked door. Behind the door, they find a rocket silo and the Doctor nearly falls in. Jack grabs him. There is more half-joking “you left me behind” tension when Jack asks how the Doctor survived without him. Anyway, the gang is all, “wow! Rocket!” and wonder about what/where Utopia is.
Yana finally finds the group and drags the Doctor away excitedly. A woman with pointed teeth, a stowaway, watches them run off. Guess she got passed that excellent padlocked gate and teeth check security.
Down in the lab, Yana shows the Doctor all of his future!science-y stuff while Chantho introduces herself to Jack. The Doctor calls Jack off AGAIN. Jack jokes that he’s apparently not allowed to say hello to anyone. The Doctor gets too jealous is what I’m seeing. Chantho says she doesn’t mind and really, who would? Meanwhile, the Doctor doesn’t have a clue about any of the future!science and can’t help Yana at all.
Meanwhile, Martha is going through Jack’s backpack for some reason. She finds a large container with a hand in it and is all OMG about it. Everyone runs over and the Doctor realizes that’s HIS hand in a jar, from back when he lost it in a Christmas Special. Martha is confused because the Doctor has both his hands. The Doctor explains that he lost the hand in a sword fight and grew one back. Yana asks what species he is. The Doctor replies that he’s “Time Lord, last of,” but ain’t nobody heard of that at the end of the universe.
K: “Ask around, look it up. Slayer comma the.” Sorry. How could I not?
Mari: Chantho commiserates because she’s the last of her kind too. This was their planet before the humans took refuge there. Jack asks what’s up with the “Beastie Boys,” meaning the Pointy Teeth Tribe. Yana explains that they are what he fears humans become when they spend too long on this planet. That’s why they are trying to find Utopia.
K: TRUTH.
Mari: Anyway, Yana points out Utopia on some kind of nav system. They got a call originating from this place and they have no idea what’s there but Yana thinks it’s worth checking out. Especially, I suppose, when the alternative is growing pointy teeth. The Doctor keeps talking but Yana zones out because he’s hearing drumbeats in his head again. When Yana is done listening to the beats in his head, he tells everyone to leave because he’s got to get back to work. The Doctor is all, “I have no idea what I’m doing!!” but sonics the end of a cable anyway and yay! It works!
Outside, Atillo uses the com system to announce that everyone should get ready to get on board. We see people filing happily onto the rocket.
Back at the lab, the Doctor is complimenting Professor Yana on being a genius while also complimenting himself for being magnificent. Yana is sad because his title is just an affectation. The universe had to go and collapse and now he can’t be recognized for his genius. Yana has to stay behind to activate the rocket science. Chantho is staying too because she won’t leave Yana alone.
Just then Atillo calls in to announce that they’ve got the TARDIS. The Doctor tells Yana he may have a way out for him! Yana starts listening to his brain drums again. We cut to a little later and the TARDIS is in the lab. The Doctor is dragging a power cable out of it. Martha and Chantho enter. Chantho immediately notices that something is wrong with the professor. The Doctor tells him to take a break, but Yana insists he’s fine. It’s just the noise in his head, no big.
Martha and Chantho are standing off to the side and since two females are together, it’s boy talk time! Chantho adores Yana but he doesn’t notice her. Huh. That doesn’t sound familiar at all. (K: Hello, Anvil of Obvious Storytelling. It’s been a while.) Martha asks if she always has to start her sentences with “chan” and end them with “tho.”
Yana tells Atillo to send his man inside. The couplings have to be connected in a room beneath the rocket, but it’s flooded with stet radiation. They’ll have to keep the radiation levels down from the lab. Yana tells Jack to keep the dials below the red indicator. The Doctor has never heard of stet radiation. Yana says it’s safe enough, so long as they keep the levels down. I’m sure this will end well!
Somewhere, the Stowaway Pointy Teeth Lady (um, remember her?) sabotages a box marked “electricity hazard.” She starts smashing things and back in the lab, everyone is yelling things like, “we are losing control!” and “radiation is rising!” Atillo yells at the man in the radiation room to GTFO, but it’s too late and that dude melts in a slight Alex-Mack-goo-like way.
Stowaway gets caught and the guards shoot at her.
Jack says he’s going jump start the override and I don’t know what that means, but all he ends up doing is electrocuting himself. Martha runs to him and starts mouth-to-mouth. Yana is upset because without the couplings, the rocket won’t launch, and now the chamber is flooded with radiation. The Doctor is oddly calm, telling Martha to leave Jack and Yana that they might have a solution. They’ve got a room that no one can enter. Jack gasps to life and the Doctor says he’s got just the man for the job. Jack asks if someone was just kissing him.
K: Of course he did.
Mari: We cut to the control room. The Doctor and Jack run in and tell Atillo to get on the rocket because they’ve got this. Jack takes off his shirt and the Doctor asks what he’s doing. The radiation doesn’t affect clothing. Jack says he looks good, though. He abruptly asks how long the Doctor has known, presumably about his immortality. The Doctor says he’s known since he ran away from Jack.
Jack goes into the radiation room and starts connecting things.
In the lab, Martha’s lost the picture but she can hear the Doctor. Yana asks what’s up with this man who keeps mentioning time travel.
Jack is still in the radiation room and he tells the Doctor the last thing he remembers as a human was facing off against three Daleks. He asks what happened. The Doctor replies, “Rose.” Rose came back and opened the heart of the TARDIS. No one is ever meant to have that power. We flash to The Parting of the Ways so that we can all instantly cry a little. (K: YUP.) In the flashback Rose says, “I bring life,” and in the future the Doctor explains that she brought Jack back to life but couldn’t control it. She brought him back forever. Jack asks if Rose can change him back, but the Doctor took the time vortex out of Rose again.
Meanwhile, all of this has been echoing in Yana’s head.
The Doctor admits to Jack that Rose is gone. She’s not just living in a parallel world, but she’s trapped there. Jack admits that he went back to the estates in the 90’s to see Rose, watch her grow. He never said anything to her because of timelines and all that. The Doctor asks if Jack wants to die. He says that he thought he did, but seeing the end of the galaxy and the humans surviving here is fantastic. The Doctor says Jack might be out there somewhere, still living. He could go meet himself. The Doctor says Jack is the only man Jack would ever be happy with anyway. Jack calls this new regeneration cheeky.
K: Excuse me while I have a lot of Ianto Jones Feels.
Mari: Lab. Yana is all confused and now he’s got a fob watch in hand. We flash back to Human Nature in case we aren’t able to place the thing. Martha asks to see it but Yana hems and haws about it just being a relic that has never worked. Martha turns the watch over and recognizes it. She tells Yana she’s going to go run and see if the Doctor needs her help.
K: I love that Martha joins the dots before the Doctor does. I mean, it makes perfect sense. She’s the one who lived through it, after all.
Mari: Radiation room. Jack connects the final thing and woo! Yay! The Doctor calls Atillo (now aboard the rocket) and tells him they are ready for takeoff. The countdown begins. Martha runs in and tells the Doctor that Yana has the chameleon watch. The Doctor is unbelieving, even as Jack suggests that he may not be the last of the Time Lords.
In the lab, Yana is staring at the lab as keywords echo in his head. Finally, even the watch starts talking and tells Yana to open it up.
The rocket blasts off. Martha reminds the Doctor what the Face of Boe said the Doctor: you are not alone. YANA. The Doctor calls Atillo and confirms that everything went off okay. They did. Wee! Yay! That’s not long lived though because next, Yana locks the Doctor and companions in the control room and lowers the silo’s defenses. Chantho is freaking out and finally says he has to stop Yana from destroying their work. She’s holding a gun. Yana is calm and just approaches Chantho with a live wire, telling her all her chans and thos are super annoying. Chantho pleads with the professor, but he tells her that’s not even his name. He is the Master.
Remember that other master on Snark Squad?
K: Awww. Good times.
Mari: The Master electrocutes Chantho.
The gang runs toward the lab.
Yana strokes the Doctor’s hand-in-a-jar.
The Doctor and Jack try to get the lab door open.
Martha yells that the futurekind are coming.
The Master disconnects the power cable coming out of the TARDIS.
Chantho, still holding onto life, reaches for her gun. She shoots the Master and then dies.
Jack smashes the control panel and the lab doors finally open. The Master is backing into the TARDIS, the Doctor’s hand-in-a-jar in hand, and locks the door before the Doctor can reach him. The Doctor keeps asking to be let in. He wants to talk and to explain.
K: Tennant’s acting here was pretty phenomenal. The desperation and fear was really fabulously done.
Mari: Agreed.
Inside, the Master is being pissy because he was killed by an insect and a girl. Still, he figures that if the Doctor gets to be young, he can be too. Regeneration starts and we go from Derek Jacobi to John Simm (K: JOHN SIMM!!!! I adore him as The Master, even though he’ll always be Sam Tyler to me). The Doctor watches the glow appear and fade from outside the TARDIS. Jack yells that the Doctor has to do something because the futurekind have arrived.
The Master is testing out his new voice, taunting the Doctor. Martha recognizes the Master’s voice but can’t quite place it. The Doctor tries to appeal to the Master, who tells the Doctor to use his name.
The Doctor apologizes to the Master and he’s all, “LOL. TOUGH.” and vwrops, vworps away. Martha and Jack are still freaking out because of the futurekind, but the Doctor is busy having FEELS.
We always struggle to talk about first part episodes and this truly is entirely a set-up for the next two. My favorite thing here was obviously the return of Captain Jack. Other than that, this recap took me forever to get through and this just was not an episode that lent itself well to that kind of viewing.
K: Yeah, this episode is like 75% build up to the next episode, 25% flailing over the return of Captain Jack. I don’t really have a lot of coherent thoughts apart from that…
Mari: But great acting work from Tennant at the end, some Rose feel peppered in, the usual amount of WTF-ery at certain plot points, and we’ll see you soon with another recap.
Next time on Doctor Who: We find out where the Master’s gone and he’s sure to tell us his evil plans in S03 E12 – The Sound of Drums.
I'm a 30-something south Floridan who loves the beach but cannot swim. Such is my life, full of small contradictions and little trivialities. My main life goals are never to take life too seriously, but to do everything I attempt seriously well. After that, my life goals devolve into things like not wearing pants and eating all of the Zebra Cakes in the world. THE WORLD.
I'm a 30-something librarian and I still live with my parents because I'm super broke. Leader of Team Heartless Cow. I have an inexplicable love for 90s television, eat too much chocolate, and read more than is good for me.