Charmed S02 E19 – We are the librarian.

Previously: Phoebe falls in love with a black and white movie.
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Ex Libris

Marines: Halliwell Manor. Piper is preparing for a romantic night by lighting candles and picking up a vase and putting it elsewhere (?). Prue runs in and Piper asks her WTF she’s doing home, because Pipers’s supposed to have the house to herself. Prue totally forgot about this and is distracted by some pictures she took for an assignment. She wants Piper’s opinion on them, and since Leo isn’t there yet anyway, Piper tells her to make it quick.

Prue shows the horrible photos to her sister. (S: I will always laugh at her mediocre photos. Until this character trait suddenly disappears, of course.) There’s this man in the background of every single shot. He’s handing out flyers and is very sad, which Prue thinks is special or notable for some reason. Leo tinkles in and Prue makes over-the-top OH OKAY noises, like she’s just realizing they are about to have  a date night even though Piper told her “scram, I’m having a date night” like 10 seconds ago. Prue says she’ll be in the basement working and being quiet and reminds Piper to have safe sex. Before she goes, Piper asks if Prue wants to sign their Dad’s birthday card. Prue says no.

Stephanie: I feel like I’m supposed to know who their dad is but I totally don’t. Not my fault none of the characters are memorable. 

Mari: I vaguely remember their dad being a jerk and also something with a VHS tape.

Leo and Piper kiss and then tinkle upstairs for sexy times. Makes you wonder why Piper lit all those candles and placed that vase elsewhere downstairs and why everyone needed to be gone if they were just going to have sex in the bedroom.

Library. Phoebe is highlighting things with an extra loud highlighter and eating an extra crunchy snack. She looks over to the girl studying next to her apologetically, but that girl has got snacks too. Phoebe introduces herself and the girl (Charleen) says they’ve met before. The took a metaphysics class together. Phoebe remembers that the professor of that class was Charleen’s dad. Charleen says that her dad gave her a C and then gives too much information about her father never takes her seriously, but she’s hoping her thesis on the existence of demons in our world changes that. She’s got proof they exist. Charleen thinks Phoebe believes in them too, because apparently she would talk a lot about them in class because Phoebe is the worst at keeping her witchiness a secret.

In a totally smooth and not suspicious move, Phoebe packs up her things and bails instead of answer Charleen’s question.

Steph: “DEMONS? LOL WHAT’S THAT. NEVER HEARD THAT WORD. BYE,” with literally no reaction or suspicion from Charleen. 

Mari: This show.

Charleen gets up to grab another book and after some extended shots of her looking up and down aisles, finds the Encyclopedia of Demons. When she grabs it off the shelf, some obviously-a-demon is staring at her from the other side of the shelf. Charleen startles and then apologizes, I guess for having that reaction to his face. The demon grabs Charleen and she disappears.

I AM THE SAHN.

Moody music and establishing shots. Back at Halliwell Manor, Prue goes into the bathroom and talks to Piper, who she assumes is in the shower. Prue goes on and on about how she wants to go back to see if she can find that mysterious man who was in all of her picture. Piper comes into the bathroom and Prue is all WHAT? SHOCK! Who is in the shower? Leo pulls back the curtain, apparently not having heard any of this at all, and gives Prue a full frontal view. Prue is really weird about it and keeps staring. She even compliments Leo’s “nice orbs” and we can all take a moment to politely vomit into our handkerchiefs.

Steph: I hate these women so much. 

Mari: Downstairs, Phoebe is asleep on top of her books. Alyssa Milano even fakes sleep like a bad actress. Piper wakes her up. Phoebe freaks because she thinks she’s late for her final. She needs to ace it or else she’s going to fail the class she barely goes to because of demons. I mean, really, she only goes to class to occasionally get a monster of the week. (S: Or date of the week.)

Piper tells Phoebe to go get some rest but she’s like NO. I SHAN’T. Before she goes, she asks Leo if it’s possible for regular people to find proof that demons exist. Leo’s like, “uh, probs not. Demons disappear when you vanquish them because they are super secretive.” Something like that. Before she goes, Piper asks if she wants to sign their dad’s birthday card and Phoebe also says no because he never sends them birthday cards.

Once Phoebe is gone, Piper says she doesn’t know why she keeps trying with her dad. Leo hugs her and says she never gives up hope and that’s one of the things he loves about her. She never gave up on them. Um, except for that one time she broke up with Leo because of reasons and started dating Dan…? But sure, Leo. Sure.

Steph: I hate this couple so much.

Mari: Piper tries to talk to him about his dad but Leo isn’t down for talking about his pre-Whitelighter days. Anyway, Piper has to hurry off to a dentist appointment.

Streets. Prue finds the man she’s suddenly obsessed with. She introduces herself and asks if she can take his picture for the feature she’s working on. The man says no thank you because he’s hanging around here on sad business. He hands Prue a flyer that has a picture of his daughter. She was murdered at this bus stop six months ago, so now he sits here and hands out flyers, trying to find a witness. Prue is teary as she hears this and says she has a good friend who is an inspector. He might have an idea who the murderer is. Sad Dad says he knows who did it: the punk who owns the pawn shop across the street. We look there now and Pawn Punk is helpfully smoking outside so we know he’s evil. He’s glaring in their direction too.

P^3. Dan and Leo are fighting each other. They both suck.

Steph: I hate these men so much. 

Mari: Piper walks in and freezes them when they won’t stop fighting. She unfreezes Leo and asks what the hell is going on. Leo insists he didn’t do anything and that Dan just came in swinging. Piper tells him to get back into unfrozen position but Leo doesn’t want to because frozen Dan is just about to punch him. Piper sassily tells him that she can’t help him with that problem.

Leo gets back where he was and Piper unfreezes Dan. Leo ducks and Dan punches the wall. Piper asks Dan what’s going on and he tells her to ask Leo. He’s out of here. Just then, Leo gets the Whitelighter call and tinkles away.

Steph: If any of the P’s were in my life and I were a Whitelighter, I’d pretend to hear the call and tinkle away all the time. Leo has the most useful power. 

Mari: Phoebe loses again.

College. There is a crime scene and Phoebe pushes her way toward the front. She spots Morris and yells out for him. Morris comes and is like LET ME GUESS, DEMONS. (S: He’s so desperate to be done with this show.) Phoebe says that actually she was just walking to the library and has no idea what this murder is about. She says that not every crime in San Francisco is demon related. Except, jokes! Because the victim is Charleen and she’s been decapitated.

In the library, Phoebe is settling in to start studying when ghost!Charleen appears. For those of you wondering, yes, we are supposed to care.

Steph: There’s like 6 different plots going on all at once and I don’t care about any of them. 

Mari: P^3. Piper leaves a message for Dan and she cleans up the mess her stupid boyfriends made. Phoebe comes in and asks what happened. Piper explains but Phoebe says her news tops that. She’s dealing with a ghost who doesn’t know she’s a ghost. Phoebe tried to break the news but couldn’t. Phoebe asks if Piper will deal with this, but Piper says that that’s not the way ghost contrivance works. Charleen came to Phoebe so now Phoebe has to solve her murder and give her peace.

LOLPD. Prue finds Morris and he thinks she’s there to say Charleen was killed by a demon, but Prue has no idea what he’s talking about. She’s here about Sad Dad and Dead Daughter. Morris gives a confused, “she wasn’t killed by a demon…” and I know, right? I don’t know what we’re doing here either, Morris.

Anyway, Morris says there’s nothing they can do unless a witness comes forward or Pawn Punk confesses. Prue gets ~*an idea*~.

Piper is still at the club. Dan drives up, having received all 8 of her messages. He wanted Leo to be the one to tell her why they fought, but alas. Leo tinkled away. Dan hands over a file because remember that he had someone looking into Leo’s history? No? Good. I’m glad to see that the Charmed-nesia is still in effect. (S: Yup. And who is their dad? And who am I?) Dan tells Piper that Leo is not who he says he is. What she does with that information is up to her but Dan is still here for her. As a friend.

Steph: This is really not a reasonable explanation for rolling up into your ex-girlfriend’s bar and going punch-crazy at her new-old-boyfriend. IT’S NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS, DAN. 

Mari: Inside, Piper has gone through the file and calls Prue with the information that Leo is married. There is a picture of his wife in the file and Piper knows that she’s still alive thanks to the Internet. Piper wants to go have a chat with Old Wife, but Prue tells her that’s a bad idea. She has to run and talk to Pawn Punk though.

Steph: OH MY GOSH. He was married DECADES ago and then died. GET OVER IT!

Sorry, I feel like I’m getting way too worked up over how horrible this episode is. 

Mari: It’s got like 10 different stupid plot lines. It’s fine.

Inside the pawn shop, Pawn Punk tells Prue to GTFO because they are closed. Prue says she isn’t scared so Pawn Punk threatens her some. He’s seen her chatting with Sad Dad. He knows what’s she wants but no one in the neighborhood is going to testify against Pawn Punk. As Prue leaves, she tells him that it must be something getting off on other people’s pain and she hopes it doesn’t come back to haunt him. For some damn reason, she touches her nose to telekinesis an accordion hanging from the ceiling loose. It hits Pawn Punk on the side.

Steph: That is not an upgrade from when she would squint really hard to make things move. 

Mari: Yeah, because that squinty look was fantastic. The most entertaining thing in any episode by far.

Outside, Prue sees Sad Dad still handing out his flyers and they share a look.

Library. Charleen shows up and Phoebe asks how she’s feeling. Meanwhile, the librarian is glaring at Phoebe because she is talking loudly to herself. Phoebe sees the look and tells an invisible Charleen that they should go talk elsewhere.

Steph: That librarian’s face perfectly summarizes how I feel about this series:

 

Mari: Yes.

In the stacks, Phoebe breaks the news that Charlene is a ghost. She is yelling in this library and it’s really bothering me. Whatever, Charleen doesn’t believe she’s dead no matter what Phoebe says and won’t even try to touch something to prove it.

Charlene runs out and Phoebe goes back to a table where apparently all of Charlene’s stuff has been left for days? Even though it would probably be evidence in a murder case? (S: Phoebe mentions Charleen died the night before. But this episode certainly feels like it’s days long, so I get you.) (M: *cries*) Phoebe touches the notebook and gets a premonition of the same demon who killed Charlene chopping her head off. She gasps out of the premonition and the librarian shushes her. (S: Best character.)

Back at the Manor, Phoebe is in the living room reading from the Book of Shadows by holding it up super close to her face, which looks both impractical and uncomfortable. (S: Reminds me of trying to find a position to sit in when reading the last few Harry Potter books.) Prue comes in and says she was looking for the BoS too. Phoebe gives her the cliff notes version of what she’s dealing with, including the part where she’s identified the demon as Libris. There are a bunch of Libris demons whose job it is to axe humans who get proof of the existence of demons. Convenient. Prue tells Phoebe to stop doing whatever she’s doing so she doesn’t get murdered but Phoebe can’t do that. She needs to get justice for Charlene.

Next, Prue gives the cliff notes version of her subplot. She wants to use a truth spell on Pawn Punk to get him to confess. Phoebe reminds her that this is against the selectively applicable rules of magic. Prue sighs because she sees Sad Dad sitting on that bench “every day” and I think she means “for the past two days,” because girl. You just met this subplot. Phoebe asks why Prue was drawn to Sad Dad and the Tinkly Orchestra of Feels strikes up as Prue rehashes her daddy issues.

Charleen walks through a wall into the living room because she went to go visit her parents and saw them crying. She wants to get revenge on the demon now.

Piper is visiting Leo’s wife, Lillian. She has nothing but positive things to say about kind, wonderful Leo and his healing touch. Piper is teary as she says that Lillian must still love Leo. Lillian says she always will, in a way, but that Leo showed up in her dreams not long after he died, bathed in WHITE. LIGHT. and told her to let him go and move on with her life. She eventually got remarried and had two kids. Piper says she’s heard what she came for and I don’t actually want to know what excuse she gave to get this old lady to talk about her dead first husband.

Steph: This woman seems way too okay with a stranger coming into her house and crying all over her war memorabilia. 

Mari: At the manor, they’ve got a vanquishing spell for Libris but first they have to catch him. Phoebe’s plan is the exact same as the plan they have every damn episode: they draw the demon out, use their powers to stop him, say the vanquishing spell. Prue is like, “oh my god, no. This is way too dangerous.” Phoebe says she has to do it and then they can work on Prue’s subplot. Piper comes in and they rush her right back out to get Libris.

At the library, Charlene runs through her last steps with Phoebe while Prue and Piper weirdly hang back. I guess they are trying for nonchalant in case Libris shows up? IDK. In the stacks, Charlene points to the book she pulled out. Prue and Piper are standing at the end of the aisle. Phoebe shrugs a bit and pulls out the book. Nothing happens immediately, but then Libris shows up and pulls Phoebe into some bad special effects. Charlene jumps after them but the portal closes before Prue and Piper get there.

It looks like the portal just took them to another part of the library. Libris puts his hands out in a comedic way and an sickle appears. Charlene yells, “no!” and it distracts Libris, but when he turns around, he can’t see Charlene. He tries to swing at Phoebe again, but Charlene has learned how to grab things and pulls Libris’s sickle back.

Steph: The over the top demonic choral music that plays here cracked me up. It’s these little moments that keep me going. 

Mari: Up in the library, Piper and Prue hear all the screaming through the grate. So, Libris can make portals and he uses one to go downstairs where his can murder people within screaming distance of where they just were? OKAY.

Piper heads to the basement but Prue astral projects there. Prue says the vanquishing spell which is literally, “demon, hide your evil face. Libris, die and leave no trace.” (S: I lost it at “evil face.” This freaking show.) Phoebe couldn’t say it herself because she was too busy going, “ah! ah!” I guess. I DON’T KNOW.

Also, Libris gets his sickle stuck in some wiring? He chops through it but then the vanquishing spell works? So he gets electrocuted and vanquished. Prue goes back into her body. Charlene thanks Phoebe for helping her gets justice and gets ready to move on. But nothing happens. We still have 8 minutes left in this episode, friends.

Steph: Of course. Now they have to tie all the boring plots together and top it off with everyone signing dad’s card or something. 

Mari: You are good at this.

Manor. The girls are arguing about what happened and whether or not Libris is really dead. Charlene is really frustrated and sends a plate flying and the flyer for Dead Daughter conveniently settles on the pieces. Prue is like, “that’s it!” She thinks that maybe Charlene isn’t moving on because she has the get justice for somebody else.

What the shit.

Steph: 6 more seasons!

Mari: But, okay, so Pawn Punk opens up his shop and Charlene walks through the door. She locks the door and turns the open sign back to closed. Pawn Punk gets freaked out and pulls out a gun. Charlene starts calling out to him, typing Dead Daughter’s name on an old typewriter over and over again and pushes him around some. Charlene says she’s the ghost of Dead Daughter and even stuffs a crumbled up copy of the Dead Daughter flyer into Pawn Punk’s mouth. She promises to haunt him forever unless he confesses and this idiot sends himself through the glass door without opening it. Outside on the sidewalk, Charlene is yelling for Pawn Punk to admit it and he finally yells that he admits to killing Dead Daughter. Of course, Sad Dad is on hand with the P’s and Morris to make the arrest thanks to this compelling confession.

We wrap up with some feels. Sad Dad is still sad and he wishes that he could tell Dead Daughter that he loves her. The P’s look over at Charlene and tell Sad Dad that Dead Deaughter will get the message. Hugs. Charlene is happy she could please someone else’s father even though she could never please her own. She looks heaven-ward and finally moves on.

Steph: The writers definitely watched Ghost before coming up with this drivel. 

Mari: P^3. Oh my gosh, the Goo Goo Dolls are playing. Phoebe aced her test and signed her father’s birthday card because perspective gained and lessons learned. Prue still doesn’t want to sign it. (S: Aw, shucks. There goes my exciting prediction.) (M: Half points!) She says she just needs to accept that their dad is never going to be as good a dad as Sad Dad and that won’t magically change.

Leo walks in and Piper is like, “yeah, so your wife?” He says he didn’t tell her because that was a different lifetime and he didn’t want Piper to get upset. Piper is all, ‘it’s okay, but you have to be honest with me.” Leo says he’s sorry like he’s not really sorry at all and that’s that. Piper doesn’t mention that she visited his ex, though, because honesty PFFT. Leo wonders how much Dan really knows but Piper wants to worry about that later. (S: Or don’t worry about it at all and tell Dan to mind his own business???)

The Goo Goo Dolls play on and there is much bopping.

 

Next time on Charmed: Piper’s coma-doctor gains their powers in S02 E20 – Astral Monkey.