Previously: Bella went to visit Jacob while Edward was eating mountain bear or whatever.
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Marines: This chapter is called “Imprint” and we’re so far away from imprinting but I’m already throwing up in my mouth.
Catherine: It gets worse, guys. It always, always gets worse. Remember that.
Kirsti: Every time I think it can’t possibly get worse, it gets much MUCH worse. So yeah.
Mari: We pick up one second after the end of the last chapter for whatever reason. Bella asks if Jake is okay since Charlie has basically been telling her how unokay he is. Also, she’s probably also asking because of his giant wolf hands and emo letters. Jacob says he’s fine, but won’t look at Bella.
K: Meanwhile, I was totally distracted by the line “he kept my hand,” because WHERE? WHERE DID HE KEEP IT? In a box under his bed?!
Mari: Seems about right.
Bella asks Jacob about his friends, since she hasn’t seen any of them in a while. Jacob tells her that Quil is now werewolf and he’s loving it. Quil is super happy to finally know why his friends never have shirts on and can’t write with pens anymore. Bella is so! shocked! that Quil likes being a werewolf and Jacob says most of the guys do because of the strength, speed, freedom and built in family. He and Sam are the only bitter ones and Sam got over it a long time ago. Bella wants to know why Sam and Jake are different than the others. Jacob warns that it’s a long story.
Bella is here for the long story, mostly because she’s not in any hurry to get back home after she snuck out. Momward is going to be waiting for her and, she says, he’ll be super angry. Jacob tells Bella just to sleep over and Bella is basically like, “ugh, I hate that you guys can’t be civilized!” because really that’s the issue here. Not the fact that Bella doesn’t want to go home because she knows her angry boyfriend will be waiting for her.
K: I have a post-it stuck to the page that just says “YOUR BOYFRIEND DOESN’T GET TO CHOSE YOUR FRIENDS” in giant capital letters. It seemed appropriate.
Mari: Anyway, Jacob asks if Eddie is ready to kill him, and Bella seems to think that Edward is being a grown-up about this whole situation and would never hurt Jacob. He wouldn’t hurt Jacob because his strategy seems to be to take apart cars and hold Bella in choke hugs to prevent her from seeing him. But I digress.
Bella gets all pissy and won’t let Jacob hold her hand or sit next to her. He promises to try to behave around Edward, but Bella is still pouting. In order to pacify her, he launches into his long story about Sam:
Sam had it the hardest because he was the first to turn and he was all alone. The first time he turned into a wolf, he thought he went crazy and stayed in wolf form for two weeks. Sam used to date Leah Clearwater, Harry’s daughter, so we take a brief pause to feel sad about Harry and also learn that Leah and Sam’s mom were searching for him everywhere. Bella is super! shocked! to hear that Sam ever loved anyone other than Emily because he looks at her in that special, one true love way that means you can’t physically love any other people. I mean, Edward’s been alive for a million years and look at him! He’s never loved another soul. Shame on Sam for, like, loving multiple people or something.
Catherine: Edward has never ‘tricked’ anyone else into loving him, Bella. No one else would fall for his nonsense just to get a piece of that cold ass. It’s not worth it!
K: Everyone else had enough brain cells to see through his special brand of bullshit. But not our Bella!
Mari: Sam eventually came back and one day shook Quil’s grandfather’s hand. Because wolves are super hot (literally), Papa Quil knew what was going on. So, the elders told Sam he was a werewolf. More boys would be changed because of the Cullens, but apparently Sam was the only guy his age so he had to wait for the others to catch up. Bella of course defends the Cullens, instead of reacting at all to any part of the 3 page story she just got. The Cullens didn’t know werewolves still existed. Jacob says that doesn’t really change anything about his new shaggy life and Bella thinks that’s harsh. Like, c’mon. It was a mistake that you are currently part animal. Be reasonable Jacob.
Bella yells at Jake to grow up and he says that’s funny because he can’t. Not aging is part of that whole “whoops! You’re a werewolf now!” package. Bella gets so angry she starts to cry. Why, you ask?
Is it:
1- Because she’s so upset her best friend had this weird life thrust upon him?
2- She’s so angry for the other boys who also have to deal with being a forever young wolf?
3- She’s upset that her dear friends the Cullens inadvertently did some real damage?
NOPE! Bella again doesn’t care about anything else Jacob said! She just is angry because both her boyfriends are staying young and she’s getting older everyday.
This is not a joke.
“Am I the only one who has to get old? I get older every stinking day!” I nearly shrieked, throwing my hands in the air. Some little part of me recognized I was throwing a Charlie-esque fit, but the rational part was greatly overshadowed by the irrational part. “Damn it! What kind of world is this? Where’s the justice?”
“Take it easy, Bella.”
“Shut up, Jacob. Just shut up! This is so unfair!”
Bella Swan is a terrible being.
K: Uh, yeah. Especially that “Charlie-esque fit” part. Girl. When has Charlie ever thrown a fit? I mean, probably WHEN YOU ENDED UP IN THE HOSPITAL or maybe when you FLED THE COUNTRY TO FIND YOUR SUICIDAL AND MURDERY EX-BOYFRIEND. Both of which are completely justified reasons to throw a fit.
Mari: Jacob basically just told her the story of how a bunch of white people came to these Native lands and essentially spread werewolf-itis. He’s telling her it is not a thing he very much enjoys and that involves not getting older. AND BELLA ASSBUTT SWAN DECIDES THIS WOULD BE A GOOD TIME TO THROW A TANTRUM ABOUT JUSTICE AND FAIRNESS AND HOW STUPID BEING 18 IS.
And she insults her father mid-tantrum for good measure.
Catherine: She is truly awful. It’s like she’s constantly in a contest with herself to top her own awfulness. HOW DID YOU TURN THIS CONVERSATION AROUND TO BE ABOUT YOU, BELLA?
Mari: Jacob has to clarify that he’s going to age eventually and physically he’s like 25 just to get Bella to STFU. He asks if maybe he can keep telling his story if she’s done yelling at him for things he can’t control.
Catherine: “Physically I’m like 25” – Jacob to the horny Twilight moms so they can stop feeling like pedophiles.
K: Excuse me while I throw up in my mouth.
Mari: So the story continues with Sam and Leah trying to work through the struggles of relationshipping with a werewolf. That is, until one day Leah’s cousin Emily comes for a visit. Bella asks how Emily could do that to her own cousin, but Jacob tells her not to judge because there is this werewolf thing…
It’s called…
Imprinting.
Imprinting is basically a supernatural, absolute love at first sight. So, Sam had to break up with Leah because he had a legal binding first sight love contract with Emily now, or whatever. It made him bitter, but he still pursued Emily. And then Sam accidentally attacked Emily and felt really bad about it? And then Emily had to comfort Sam? And that’s how she fell for him? Because apparently imprinting is a one way thing and the guy is all THAT’S MY GIRL and it doesn’t matter what the girl wants?
Catherine: Yep! Although it more only applies to the werewolves. But there’s only one girl werewolf in the entire story so fuck it. It’s basically a “legitimate” excuse for this guys to stalk a girl until she agrees to date them just to shut them up. And then hopefully she falls in love?
K: It’s literally the stalkiest and least romantic thing of all time is what you’re saying? COOL. We really needed more super unromantic stuff around here.
Mari: This has only happened to Sam and someone named Jared, though Jared has less dramz, because his girl was already doodling their names together. Jacob knows this because the wolves can all read each other’s thoughts while in wolf form. (K: With this many teenage boys involved, I’m guessing it’s just non-stop porn.) That part of it sucks, but it is helpful when they need to coordinate, like when they killed Laurent. Jacob says they would’ve gotten Victoria too, had the Cullens not gotten in the way. This of course allows Bella to be worried for Jake because even though he just reminded her that they’ve already killed a vamp, how could they ever stand up against a vamp????
There’s a whole page worth of description about the sun coming out from behind some clouds. They sit and look at the sun for a bit. Jacob says he was thinking about that one time they went to a movie with Mike. Somehow, this memory remind Bella that the other day at school, during the big campus showdown, Jacob thought something that made Edward angry. Jacob smiles real big because he was just thinking about that one time Bella went into the woods to die after Edward left her. In fact, he was purposefully just remembering how awful Bella looked for a long time in order to make sure Edward got a good look at that. This is both hilarious and kind of weird that Jacob got so much enjoyment out of picturing Bella in great pain.
I mean… not weird if one of us did it…
Catherine: Oh good, I was worried for a second.
K: Same.
Mari: Bella smacks Jacob and tells him never to think such things around Edward ever again. Jacob tells her to calm down, but instead she prepares to stomp off. Jacob promises never to think about depressed Bella in Edward’s presence again AND THIS IS SO STUPID WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?
Thankfully it’s nearly done. Bella says she’s got to go and she’ll try to come back the next time Edward is “away.” Jacob knows that’s code for “eating mountain bear” or whatever and says that’s yucky. Bella tells him to be nice for the millionth time or else she’s never coming back. This isn’t about people being vampires or werewolves but about Edward, Jacob and Bella. Jacob’s like, “…but I am a werewolf?”
This is probably totally inadvertent but this really mirrors the whole “I don’t see color” argument people try to make. It isn’t about whites and nonwhites but about individuals! That’s erasure and it sucks.
Anyway, Jacob goes for the erasure because for reasons that exist beyond the realm of Earthly logic, he wants to see Bella again. She promises to come back as soon as she can.
After Edward lets her out of jail, I’m assuming.
K: LOL, as if Edward would ever do such a thing…
Next time on Eclipse: Edward follows Bella out of Jacob’s house like a fucking creep in Chapter 06.
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I am a 30-something year-old human woman who lives in Maine. I'm a freelance writer who mostly spends time that I should be doing that, watching T.V. I also love reading and comic books way too much.
I'm a 30-something librarian and I still live with my parents because I'm super broke. Leader of Team Heartless Cow. I have an inexplicable love for 90s television, eat too much chocolate, and read more than is good for me.