Previously: Bella cried a lot, Edward offered to fuck her, and Bella inexplicably decided that marriage was a good thing. Go figure.
—
Kirsti: Once again, it appears that our dear sweet Steph has zero understanding of what an epilogue is. Because once again, this thing is like a million pages long. Except that as a special treat, Bella’s not the narrator for the epilogue. No, friends. Instead of little Bell-bell, we’re hanging out in Jacob’s head.
Fabulous.
Catherine: Of course. Just what we all wanted after this book.
K: It’s like when a dog gets all excited to go on a car ride and then you pull up at the vet and their face is all “WHAT THE FUCK I TRUSTED YOU.” Or something.
We’re treated to a page and a half of Leah bitching and moaning at Jacob. Why? Because werewolf mindmeld means that the entire pack is in “wah, Bella picked Edward over me” mode, and Leah can’t stand Bella. Legit, girl.
Annie: It should tell us all something that the only people that want to spend any time with her are mostly murderous, blood-thirsty monsters. We do not blame you, Leah!
K: There’s also a super gross thing in there about how “I remembered back to when I used to think that Leah was pretty, maybe even beautiful. That was a long time ago. No one thought of her that way now.” Um. Wow. So Leah is in a relationship with a guy. He leaves her for her cousin because Magic Werewolf Imprinting Powers. Leah’s understandably bitter about this. Then she finds herself part of the Pack, forced to not only spend time with her ex, but forced to obey his orders AND hear all his “Emily and I are so happy together!” thoughts every time they’re in wolf form, PLUS dealing with all of Jacob’s bullshit angst and they all think she’s the fucking worst for this? I hate everything right now. #TeamLeahKillsEveryone
Annie: I feel like I could unpack this all day, the whole ‘Leah isn’t beautiful anymore’ idea. Where do I even start? Is she no longer beautiful because her partner left her, so there must be something wrong with her for not being able to keep a man? Is she no longer attractive because she’s feeling bitter and struggling with disappointment and other feelings (she’s too emotional?). Or is it because she’s just like them and men like their women pure, gentle, full of grace and white? I’m sick of this, Stephenie Meyer. Fuck you.
Marines: Maybe she’s no longer beautiful because Bella is the most beautiful and clearly all women are in competition with each other. Maybe she’s no longer beautiful because she’s calling bull on this entire shit show. Women with opinions can’t be beautiful, am I right?
Catherine: I think I read that in a shitty book somewhere….
K: Yeah, it definitely rings a bell.
Leah tells Jacob that he needs to move the fuck on because Bella’s going to marry a vampire. Then she sneers that “He’ll probably just kill her anyway“. Dammit, Leah. I was on your side, but intentionally antagonising people is just rude. (M: I know, but it’s Jacob and she has to hear his stupid thoughts…) (C: Honestly, I would be intentionally antagonize Jacob ALL DAY if I was forced to be around him like she is. This is restraint.) (K: Both valid points)
Anyway, Jacob gets so angry that he has to fight not to wolf out because he has anger management issues. Then he informs her that the icky same sex feelings are just as bad for the rest of them as they are for her. She may feel like she’s grieving a relationship with Bella, but the rest of the pack have to deal with her feelings for Sam. Leah looks hurt and runs off.
Jacob mopes about Bella some more, and I honestly don’t know what the point of this epilogue is. (C: Meyer’s wank material?) Then he mopes about having to go around on crutches, pretending to be injured. Why? Because Charlie saw him when he was all mangled and spread the word about his motorcycle accident. Dammit, Charlie. Why you gotta be all thoughtful and shit?
Anyway.
Jacob heads home and Billy’s talking too much in a pathetic attempt at acting casual. Turns out they got some mail today. A wedding invitation. There’s a note inside for Jacob that Billy didn’t read. He uses reverse psychology, which Jacob immediately falls for.
After some grumbling about the invitation totally not being Bella’s taste, we finally get to the point: the note is from Edward. We’re treated to the full text of the note, which says that Bella didn’t want Jacob invited because she knew it would hurt him, but if it was the other way around, Edward would have wanted the choice. It finishes with “Thank you – for her – for everything.” THANK YOU FOR HER. I JUST………. ARGH.
Annie: Just in case we’d forgotten that Bella wasn’t an actual human person, Meyer hits it home in this letter. LOL The narrator is actually a sack of flour to be owned, fought over, possessed and then hoisted over your head like a trophy. Not to be confused with a real person. THANKS.
Double thanks for resurrecting that awful device of printing the entire letter in the book for us.
Mari: I mean, just apart that he’s thanking Jacob FOR A HUMAN BEING…. WHY would he be thanking Jacob? Jacob has NO say in this. Bella basically dumped his ass despite all his best manipulative efforts. Bella kind of actually made a choice and Edward is like, “lol. THANKS, JACOB.”
What?
WHAT?
So, even when Bella exercises her agency in this stupid story, in her bassackwards way, the guys JUST IGNORE THAT AND ADDRESS EACH OTHER?
OKAY.
Catherine: Also, lets take a moment to realize that Edward wrote this in a letter. So instead of writing a confrontation scene, which might have been slightly interesting (at least to people who actually like these books) Meyer action-cock blocked the readers again by putting in 9 pages of Jacob whining instead. Again, not really an epilogue. This is not how epilogues work.
K: YUP. To all of the things.
This stupid note is enough to send Jacob into a rage spiral and he deals with it by wolfing out and running the fuck away. Embry and Quil send their condolences and ask him to wait for them, but Jacob head-growls at them to stay away from him. They ignore him until Sam orders them to stop. They do. Jacob keeps running. Sam tells him to come home when he can.
They all phase back and Jacob’s left alone. He continues running through the forest, hoping that the silence in his head will last forever, debating whether to stay a wolf for the rest of his life. The end.
WHAT WAS THE GODDAMN POINT OF THIS, STEPH? TELL ME. WHAT DID IT ADD TO THE STORY?! Nothing, that’s what.
There’s literally no reason why you couldn’t have dealt with this in a paragraph at the beginning of Breaking Dawn – “No one had seen Jacob in weeks. Billy said he’d left town the day our wedding invitation arrived. I threw a massive tantrum when I found out about the invitation, but then Edward sang me a lullaby and changed my diaper and promised me an ice cream cone if I behaved myself at the grocery store, so I had to forgive him.” Boom. Done. No epilogue necessary. Also, this ending is way weaker than that schmaltzy/disturbing sentence about the ring being on her hand for the rest of time.
But at least this trainwreck of a book is over?
Annie: Yay, we did it! There were some really dark moments where I thought we weren’t going to make it, but some how, we did. Thanks, brain bleach!
Mari: Also, it took us twice as long as we originally anticipated so, dammit brain bleach! These side-effects are what was I saying again?
Catherine: Worst book ever? Worst book ever!
K: Don’t call it yet, girl. We still have to get through Breaking Dawn…
Next time on Breaking Dawn: Probably the worst book ever. We aren’t sure yet when we’ll pick that up and I’m not gonna lie: there are some votes for 2017. We need time, friends. See you then!
I'm a 30-something librarian and I still live with my parents because I'm super broke. Leader of Team Heartless Cow. I have an inexplicable love for 90s television, eat too much chocolate, and read more than is good for me.
I'm a 30-something south Floridan who loves the beach but cannot swim. Such is my life, full of small contradictions and little trivialities. My main life goals are never to take life too seriously, but to do everything I attempt seriously well. After that, my life goals devolve into things like not wearing pants and eating all of the Zebra Cakes in the world. THE WORLD.
Fuchsia-haired, caffeine enthusiast, dog person, Raptors fan, sometimes blogger, music & social media geek, freelancer, human being. She/her.
I am a 30-something year-old human woman who lives in Maine. I'm a freelance writer who mostly spends time that I should be doing that, watching T.V. I also love reading and comic books way too much.