Previously: Wedding bells rang and the Snark Ladies needed vomit bags.
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Kirsti: Bella tells us that the wedding flows smoothly into the reception which starts AT TWILIGHT. I see what you did there, SMeyer. You’re not even remotely subtle.
Anyway, apparently there are “another ten thousand flowers” outside with the marquee and dance floor, and I really hope that’s an exaggeration because that is a fuckton of flowers. If it’s not exaggeration, I hope they sent out antihistamines with the invitations…
Marines: There are only like 10 humans there and no one cares about them anyway.
K: Fair.
Seth comes over to congratulate the nauseating couple, but really he’s coming over because his mother and Billy are with him and that gives Bella an excuse think about Jacob. Obvs. After some totally pointless chitchat with Seth, we get literally two seconds of “and then my friends came through” (which informs us that Mike and Jessica are TOTALLY BACK TOGETHER because they’re holding hands) before it’s time to meet the Denali vampires. Joy.
Tanya, obviously, is “so beautiful that it made my stomach hurt.” And she gets all huggy with Edward because we’re supposed to hate her. But of course, Edward totally channels Dougray Scott in Ever After and is all “So this is MY WIFE” except with way less impact because, like, TANYA’S AT HIS FREAKING WEDDING. Tanya’s all “Whatever” but the other Denali vampires are nice and Bella’s all “Whut”.
Catherine: God, all of this ex-gf shit is already so tiring. Especially since THEY NEVER EVEN DATED, BELLA. You’re jealous of a your own perverted imagination right now.
K: SERIOUSLY.
No one gives any fucks about any of the other guests, because we jump straight to Bella telling us that they kept up all the “standard traditions” like bouquet tossing and wedding cake and having photos taken. She’s astonished to see that Edward “manfully swallowed” his portion of wedding cake. My thoughts can best be summed up thusly:
I don’t know what’s stupider. The idea that you can swallow things in a manly way, or that Edward “manfully” swallows his stupid cake rather than, like, using his super vampire speed to PRETEND he ate it.
Annie: We wouldn’t want to crush Edward’s fragile masculinity by suggesting he was swallowing like a lady, now would we? Swallowing is for ladies. Okay, we hear you LOUD AND CLEAR, Stephenie.
Mari: Everyone should stop right now and grab some alcohol, but only drink it manfully.
Catherine: Heads up, no one Google “manful swallowing” while at work. Wait till you get home, guys.
K: Your sacrifice is appreciated. (M: Questionable Google Search of the Day!)
Angela catches the bouquet. Edward removes Bella’s garter “very carefully with his teeth” (God forbid he poison her with his vamp teeth before they get to bang) and flicks it at Mike, because apparently everybody in this town loves a teen wedding.
Catherine: He totally did it as an “insult” to Mike or whatever. Like wow, by marrying Bella he won the man contest between them. That must be why he’s so good at swallowing now.
K: The contest that Mike probably didn’t even know was a contest.
The dancing starts and Bella dances with her stupid husband even though she super hates dancing and super duper hates dancing in front of people. But she does it because she’s “just happy to have him holding me.” Ugh. Shut UP. Then she dances with Charlie which is OBVIOUSLY super awkward because they’re both the awkwardest of ever. She apologises for leaving him to cook for himself and OH MY GOD HE COOKED FOR HIMSELF FOR SIXTEEN YEARS BEFORE YOU TURNED UP, HE CAN DO IT AGAIN JFC.
She dances with a bunch of other people, then Edward cuts in to grumble about how Mike is thinking impure thoughts about a married woman. Bella’s all “Piffle, nobody would think impure thoughts about lil’ ol’ me, I’m so HIDEOUS!”
Mari: Does her self-hatred die when she becomes a vampire? Not that that’s good storytelling, but I’m worried about ME. I can’t read this anymore.
K: Same.
Edward, of course, is horrified that Alice didn’t make Bella look in a mirror before she came downstairs, and turns her to face the glass wall of the house. Bella has a momentary glimpse of “a dark-haired beauty” before Edward suddenly jerks away in surprise. He puts his poker face back on and tells Bella she has a surprise wedding present.
He leads her over to the forest – and literally everyone at the wedding is probably like “…they couldn’t wait like an hour?!” – and SURPRISE! Jacob’s there. Bella nearly falls down. Edward hands her over to Jacob, then bails to go dance with Rosalie. Bella hugs Jacob and cries a lot, saying that “Now everyone I love is here.” I throw up into a bucket. Jacob pulls her into a dance, but the pace matches his heartbeat rather than the music. What the fuck even is this.
Annie: 
Mari: This series loves plot that literally comes out of the forest.
Catherine: Pass the bucket, please.
K: We should stock up on buckets. It’s only going to get worse from here.
Apparently Jacob’s grown again. I continue to not care. He tells her that wearing clothes again is super weird, as is “walking around on two legs“. Okay, Ariel. Whatever. He goes on to say that coming back was totally worth it because he got to see her in a wedding dress and she’s totally hot. They laugh and joke and I don’t give a shit. Apparently Sam and the rest of the pack are out in the forest in case Jacob decides to go feral and murder everyone at the wedding. (M: Who is protecting them from the vampires and unplanned paper cuts?) He (sadly) assures Bella that he’s not there to ruin her wedding. He’s there to make it perfect.
The song ends, and he asks if he can have another dance. Bella tells him “You can have as many dances as you want.” Girl. You should maybe dance with your HUSBAND again at some point, but whatever. Bella’s still crying because of course she is. Jacob tells her that this is how he’s going to remember her: all gorgeous and bridal and with a heartbeat. He wants to know when she’s being vamperised, and she assures him that it’s not tonight.
Jacob’s super relieved, then asks why they’re waiting. Bella gets all “Well, I wanted a normal honeymoon that didn’t involve writhing in pain…” and Jacob laughs before realising in “a strange kind of confused horror” what she means by NORMAL honeymoon. (Sex. She means sex. Just in case we weren’t clear.) (M: Vampire sex, so writhing in pain isn’t off the table.) (K: TRUE.) He grabs her arms and shakes her. Bella yells at him to stop and let her go but LOL NOPE.
Annie: What the fuck was Jacob expecting, exactly? That Bella and Edward were going to get married and just live as married virgins, especially with how desperate Bella’s been for that sparkle peen that Edward is packing? Also, Bella is not a cocktail shaker. Do not shake her. Do not put your hands on her.
Mari: The moment they start arguing, I almost lost it. Jacob is just TENSION and he’s been missing for however long and Meyer literally brings him back from another country for 10 seconds to have an argument because if not, there is literally no tension in her story. This is the STUPIDEST.
K: It really really is.
Of course Edward turns up to save the day. The rest of the wolves turn up too, and manage to pull Jacob away. Jacob angrily hisses that he’ll kill Edward as he goes. (C: Grrr! I’ll kill you for having sex with your wife, you virgin pervert!) Edward and Bella head back to the reception, where literally no one who isn’t a vampire has noticed they were gone??? Whatever.
They dance for a minute and then Edward suddenly gets all “OMG WHAT AM I THINKING JACOB’S TOTALLY RIGHT I CAN’T BANG YOU.” Bella finally finds a spine to be all “NO, IT’S FINE PRETEND JACOB WASN’T HERE AND DON’T LET HIM RUIN OUR SEXYTIMES, YOU SHIT.”
Annie: Love that the thing that causes Bella to FINALLY stand up for herself is being deprived of some vampire D. Not when Edward was being a creepy stalker, or having her kidnapped, or being emotionally abusive. But now, because he won’t fuck her. #Priorities
K: Sparkle peen trumps everything, Annie. E.V.E.R.Y.T.H.I.N.G.
Emmett cuts in, and by the time Bella gets back around to Edward, he’s calmed down enough to kiss her “a serious kind of kiss – intense, slow but building.”
Mari: Slow building to what exactly if they can’t even open their mouths?
K: GOOD QUESTION.
Thankfully, Alice interrupts because it’s time for them to leave for the airport. She drags Bella off to change out of her dress, and Bella thanks Alice for the most amazeballs wedding of ever. Bella says goodbye to her parents, and it’s totally GOODBYE and not “see you when I get back from my honeymoon,” but neither of her parents twig. (C: It’s a good thing they’re stupid!)
They run through the whole thrown rice thing (which makes zero sense because you do that after the ceremony, not the reception) and jump in the car. They head off towards the highway, and over the noise of the engine, Bella hears “piercing, heartbroken howling.” And this ten trillion page chapter is FINALLY over.
Em-dash count: FIFTY THREE.
Ellipses count: 15.
Next time on Breaking Dawn: A-bang bang bangitty bang, I said a-bang bang bangitty bang. Sucks to be Mari in Chapter 05.
I'm a 30-something librarian and I still live with my parents because I'm super broke. Leader of Team Heartless Cow. I have an inexplicable love for 90s television, eat too much chocolate, and read more than is good for me.
I'm a 30-something south Floridan who loves the beach but cannot swim. Such is my life, full of small contradictions and little trivialities. My main life goals are never to take life too seriously, but to do everything I attempt seriously well. After that, my life goals devolve into things like not wearing pants and eating all of the Zebra Cakes in the world. THE WORLD.
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I am a 30-something year-old human woman who lives in Maine. I'm a freelance writer who mostly spends time that I should be doing that, watching T.V. I also love reading and comic books way too much.