Previously: Bella wasted yet another chapter faffing about and doing boring shit like picking up fake ID for her insta-baby and her insta-baby’s future husband.
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Kirsti: The Volturi arrive. Boom. I saved you a page and a half of reading. (C: You’re a saint.) There’s 32 of them. The Volturi, that is. Not pages. I wish it was pages.
We know there are 32 Volturi because Bella counted. So they’re outgunned, outmanned, outnumbered but maybe not outplanned. (If, by some crazy random happenstance, Lin-Manuel Miranda happens to read this: I’m so sorry to pollute your lyrics by associating them with this horseshit.).
Annie: Kirsti! How. DARE. YOU. Poor LMM.
Marines: I mean, yes apologize to Lin, BUT ALSO APOLOGIZE TO US.
K: Look, I wrote this post in January of TWENTY SEVENTEEN. I take no responsibility for my past self’s actions.
Apparently Garrett is thinking along the same lines as me, because he mutters “The redcoats are coming, the redcoats are coming“. Then the Volturi move aside and it turns out that there’s even MORE vampires behind them. And their faces are “a kaleidoscope of emotions“. There’s another 40ish vampires, and they’re an angry mob of “ew, vampire children”-ers to act as the Volturi’s witnesses and spread the word once the Cullens are dead.
Bella informs us that they didn’t have a prayer and that even Jacob couldn’t outrun this many vampires. She cheatery narrates that everyone else works out the same thing and “Despair weighted the air“. Irina is among the angry mob, and she’s hella pissed to see her sisters on Team Cullen.
Mari: True, but since the other option is a murdering cult who takes months to travel for inexplicable reasons, I’m not sure she has the high ground.
K: She really doesn’t.
Edward does some cheatery narration of his own, courtesy of mind-reading: Caius and Aro came to destroy and acquire. The plan was for the offence to be Renesmee, but if it turned out to be a lie, they were totally cool with finding some other reason to wipe out the Cullens.
The wolves rock up, and Bella “only spared a fraction of a second” to note that there are now sixteen wolves and that some of them are very young. She can tell this from their height and the size of their paws?? She’s upset about how many children are going to die, and wonders why Sam would let this happen before realising that he probably doesn’t have a choice and it’s because they’ve had A WHOLE FUCKTON OF EXTRA VAMPIRES AT THEIR HOUSE. God, these characters are stupid.
Catherine: Okay but lets notice that this is the climax of the climax of the series, the scary vampires that we’re promised for the whole LOOONNNGGG book are now here and they’re just…standing in a field staring at each other. Not even talking. How thrilling?
Annie: Yeeeeeeeeeep. Stephenie has never been particularly good at managing a climax. Or action scene. Or….anything really.
Mari: It took them FOREVER to walk here or whatever the shit and you are telling me they didn’t have one single PLAN B?
K: Pff. As if the Volturi have ever needed a Plan B.
Carlisle steps up to the plate for a little chat, telling Aro that all he has to do is touch Carlisle’s hand to know that his plan isn’t to kill the Volturi. Aro’s all “Bitch, PLEASE. I see your illegal baby vamp”. Carlisle insists that none of them have broken the law and offers Aro his hand. Aro ignores it because Caius steps forward to reiterate the “Bitch, PLEASE.” sentiment.
Carlisle points out that any one of their witnesses can vouch for Renesmee’s half-human status, or that they could look themselves and see the blood flushing her cheeks. Caius yells for Irina to come forward. She reluctantly does so. Caius slaps her in the face because violence to women was exactly what this trainwreck of a series was missing.
Edward kisses Bella and Renesmee on their respective foreheads and stomps off towards Aro. Esme whimpers because her precious baby might die. Bella watches Edward walking towards the Volturi. When Jane smiles at him, Bella loses her shit and rage-splodes her magic elastic band shield. But this time, she’s so pissed that there’s no recoil or backlash. Because of course, that was all a product of her own mind, not wanting to let it go. Ugh.
Catherine: No of course, because there are no other vampires that are more powerful than her. It turns out that Bella was the MOST powerful all along or something. Not in a cool empowering way but in a ‘now she can use it to be the perfect housewife’ way.
Mari: We had this whole conversation during the Chosen One podcast episode, but crap like this gets annoying when the character doesn’t earn it. What the hell has Bella done to earn anything she has? What have we seen her struggle with or work on or anything besides trying to have a boyfriend who wants to murder her? This moment isn’t earned and it isn’t worth the 600+ pages of this book alone it has taken to get here.
REMINDER that the Twilight series is full of harmful, awful ideas, but also it is barely a story, because it is devoid of plot, character development, or any semblance of sense.
K: 1430.
As Edward reaches Aro, Bella realises that she probably shouldn’t stop the exchange from happening. So she pulls her shield back a little, leaving Edward outside it. Edward and Aro shake hands and we get even MORE cheatery narration of all the things that Aro sees: “Every secret thought, every strategy every insight – everything Edward had heard in the minds around him during the last month – was now Aro’s. And further back – every vision of Alice’s, every quiet moment with out family, every picture in Renesmee’s head, every kiss, every touch between Edward and me…”
Girl. I’m pretty sure he doesn’t want to see you and Edward fucking. Or making out, for that matter. Literally nobody wants to see that shit.
The guards get twitchy some more and Edward suggests that Aro bring some friends with him. He taps Felix and Demetri. Edward tells Bella to pick her dodgeball team, and she picks Emmett and Jacob. Jacob apparently nods because that’s how wolves work.
Mari: Listen, if this suddenly turned into a dodgeball match, it would improve the story a thousand percent.
K: At this point, ANYTHING would improve the story a thousand percent.
They meet in the centre and Bella has a quick, pointless catch up with Felix. Aro’s all “This kid is super interesting! Oh hey Bella, I didn’t see you there, you make a hot vampire”. Bella nods and thanks him for the ugly-ass necklace she’s wearing. Then she pulls her shield away from Renesmee. Aro greets Renesmee and Renesmee’s all “Hey, ‘sup?”
Catherine:
K: W.H.Y.
Caius is all “The fuck is that”, and Aro informs him that Renesmee is “Half mortal, half immortal…Conceived so, and carried by this newborn when she was still human.” Caius thinks this is impossible. Aro points out that Renesmee has a heartbeat. Renesmee touches Aro’s face and he assures her that he has no desire to hurt her family. Then he looks longingly at Jacob, and Edward says “They don’t belong to us, Aro. They don’t follow our commands that way.” This… implies that they follow your commands in a different way, which is not really any better, Eddie.
Aro laughs that “This lot has picked a side” and then says that he has to go confer with his brothers.
And on that random note, the chapter ends. HUZZAH.
Next time on Breaking Dawn: The showdown continues in Chapter 37.
I'm a 30-something librarian and I still live with my parents because I'm super broke. Leader of Team Heartless Cow. I have an inexplicable love for 90s television, eat too much chocolate, and read more than is good for me.
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I am a 30-something year-old human woman who lives in Maine. I'm a freelance writer who mostly spends time that I should be doing that, watching T.V. I also love reading and comic books way too much.