Previously: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
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Marines: Aro calls over his bros so they can chat. Edward, Bella, Jacob and Emmett back up to join the rest of their side. Renesmee is grabbing Jacob’s tail “like a leash” forcing him to retreat with them. Cool.
They are doing all this backing up and staying away from each other, even though Bella reminds us that any of them could close the distance within mere seconds, so once again, we are just wasting time and building negative a million suspense. It also doesn’t signify because of course they can hear what Aro and his bros are arguing about. I’m going to use their names in the rest of this repca even though I want to be clear that I have no freaking idea who any of these people are.
Catherine: I don’t remember any of their names either. It probably doesn’t matter. Just picture a bunch of ripped off Anne Rice looking motherfuckers, readers.
K: All I know is that my page post-it says “You guys suck at assembling an angry mob.” I have no fucking clue if that refers to the Volturi or the Cullens. Maybe both…
Mari: Likely.
Caius starts arguing right away, asking how Aro is planning to abide this infamy. Aro tells him the whole thing is totally true and also, see all those cool and very effective witnesses the Cullens gathered! At the mention of witnesses, Bella over-observes that Caius’s whole demeanor changes, going from anger to cold calculation but also nervous. So, have fun imagining that.
Annie: I can and I did. Because Stephenie is the best writer, ever. And we are terrible people for thinking otherwise.
Is this what Stockholm syndrome feels like?
Mari: Bella looks at the angry mob with the Volturi, but they’ve all chilled out too. Bella can’t understand what’s going on, and she stretches her magic-shield to cover all her people. And she says that each one of them is an “individual flavor” she can sense, like, disgusting, keep your psychic licking to yourself, Bell-bell. At some point during this description, Bell said that everyone’s individual flavors are also light? And of course Edwards is the brightest light. (K: I mean, OBVIOUSLY… -_-) Finally, Bella covers them even more with her shield, with details no one cares about, because I thought the point was just that everyone was covered by the shield.
Caius mentions the werewolves (all he says is “the werewolves…”), so that reminds Bella that she’s left them all out of her shield, like way to go girlfriend. She realizes that she can sense the werewolf flavor-lights even when they are outside of her shield. She takes forever to realize it’s because Sam, their alpha, is under her shield and their minds are interconnected.
“What the hell does this have to do with anything?” I hear you screaming. But you are screaming into a void. No one knows. No one has answers. There is no help for you here.
Caius is mad that the Cullens allied with the werewolves as “Children of the Moon” are vampires’ mortal enemies.
Catherine: Children of the Moon: new band name idea. Calling it.
K: Meanwhile, I am full of rage because Caius refers to the werewolves as “this enormous infestation.” Let’s all just stop and remember that the werewolves are all Native American and reflect a little bit on that “infestation” thing. And then let’s all burn the world down.
Mari: Edward loudly clears his throat and points out that it’s the middle of the day, so these are not “children of the moon” werewolves. Caius calls them mutants. Which is real rich coming from a guy I imagine is sparkling right now? Are they all just standing there sparkling at each other? Wonderful.
In a stunning twist of events, Aro has to explain to Caius that these are not werewolves at all! They are actually shapeshifters who turn into wolves. That’s a nifty piece to drop 89% through your final book of the series. Wait, HOLD UP.
Nevermind! We are 89% through!!
Annie: Like, I want to talk about how fucking stupid this revelation is at this point, but we have 11% of this book to get through, so whatever.
K: Remember when we thought we could recap each of these trashfire books in a month? HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Still, 89% is a HUGE achievement. High fives all round!
Mari: You almost ruined the fun by reminding us how long it’s taken, K.
Caius’s final objection is that these vampires know their secret. Aro says, “yeah? so? We know theirs.” And Caius seems to be less angry now. Bella spends a long time wondering what their plan is, because at the end of the book, it still seems like a good idea to Meyer for her to have our MC wondering what might be happening instead of letting things happen.
Two more pages and Caius calls for Irina, their original informant. Irina apologizes for bringing them faulty information. Aro says it’s all good, because who would’ve been able to guess that the baby was a human-vampire-baby-married-to-a-wolf? Caius barks some more that he wants to question Irina, not about her mistake, but about her motivations. Irina admits that she came to spy on the Cullens in the first place because she was mad that one of the shapeshiftingwerewolves ate her man, or whatever. Caius is like “a-ha! SEE! Murder! Treason! Kill them all!” Irina, scared that the Volturi are going to kill the rest of her family, says that the Cullens are innocent. They came here to kill a baby vampire and there is no baby vampire. She takes full responsibility for her actions.
Caius gives a signal and Irina is surrounded. And also he’s got a flamethrower, so for some reason, Caius had Irina surrounded so he could throw flames at her, and everyone has to back away anyway. The point is that Irina is dead. Caius looks at Tanya and Kate. Stephenie takes several more moments to explain: this was the plan, see? Irina is dead and now her family is angry, see?
“His excuse to destroy her, to ignite the violence that filled the air like a thick, combustible mist. He had thrown a match.”
Because it was a flamethrower, see?
Catherine: But he just… had a flamethrower? And they didn’t notice it till he used it?
K: I didn’t even recognise that it was a fucking flamethrower because Meyer describes it in such a fucking weird way. It’s not a flamethrower. It’s “a strange metal object, carved and ornate” that just happens to spew fire. Because calling it a flamethrower would be waaaaaaaaaaaaay too interesting for this book.
Mari: Edward and Carlisle do their best to restrain Tanya and Kate. Things get really confusing and the fact that I have been paying 0% attention since a baby got eaten out of the womb is really showing. People try to take Kate down, but she keeps zapping them with her static electricity power. No word on why Bella doesn’t try? If she doesn’t get zapped? Instead, she just watches until Edward yells “Zafrina!” and Kate goes blind? I thought it was a magical world like “abra-zafrina!” but I literally had to Google it and find myself in the one place I never wanted to go: a Twilight wiki. It turns out, Zafrina is one of the Amazonian vampies and her power is visual illusions.
Catherine: I’m dying. They have brought this up before and introduced her and stuff but it’s hard to remember much after the baby eating womb thing so I’m with you 104%
K: I would give actual human dollars to not remember the baby eating womb thing, tbh…
Mari: And yet here we are.
Bella gives us another paragraph about whatever the hell she’s doing with her shield. Garrett and Carlisle soothe Tanya and Kate, and remind them that if they attack the Volturi, everyone dies. Bella looks around and cheats at narration by telling us that Caius is “staring with enraged disbelief,” and Aro is incredulous, especially since Bella somehow knows that he knows how strong Kate is through Edwards memories. Bella wonders if Aro is wondering how Garrett is not being zapped by Kate and whether he’s figured out that it’s Bella’s shield.
Bella further cheats her way through explaining that the Volturi witnesses are all shaken and left questioning Caius’s actions. Aro bringing an entire audience to Forks is backfiring on him. We’ll take Bella’s word for it, because fudge if I know what the original damn plan was. Bella takes more logic jumps and figures that the Volturi are going to kill all those witness. She feels bad for them.
Aro tells Caius that now that Irina has been punished for “bearing false witness,” it’s time to return to the matter at hand. This makes Caius’s demeanor change completely and it reminds Bella of “a person who’d just learned he’d been demoted.” So, like, sad? Disappointed? Angry? Why not use any of those words? Oh, I know, because cheater narration.
Aro says he’d like to talk to a few of the Cullen witnesses as a matter of procedure. Caius’s evil smile comes back and Edward hisses. Carlisle looks at snake-Edward, and his faces hardens. Bella has no idea what’s going on. We don’t either, in case you are keeping track at home. Bella guesses that Aro has a plan, though. It’s super important that she guesses that and tells us, INSTEAD OF GETTING ON WITH IT, MY GOD IS THIS CHAPTER OVER? (K: I’m not convinced this chapter will ever be over…)
Aro steps forward and starts questioning Amun (who? No idea.) (C: One of the Egyptian vampires. That’s an easy one because Steph clearly didn’t put much non-racist effort into naming him.) He notes that Amun hasn’t come to see him in a long while. Then he asks what Amun witnessed for the Cullens. Amun says that Reneesmee is clearly not an immortal child. She grows and learns. Aro keeps questioning until Amun admits that Renessmee is growing quickly. Aro asks if the child should be allowed to live and Bella and a bunch of other vamps all hiss. Is hissing a vampire thing? (A: In Stephenie’s world, yes.) Anyway, Amun says he sees no reason the child shouldn’t live. That all done, Amun says he and his mate would like to leave now. Aro allows them to, but insists on seeing them again soon.
Aro moves on to Siobhan, who says all the same things as Amun, and adds that Reneesmee is even better at blending in than they are.
K: More accurately, Aro moves onto “Siobhan’s massive form,” just to make me want to set the world on fire a little bit more. OH MY GOD IT JUST OCCURRED TO ME THAT I CAN LITERALLY TEAR THE PAGES OUT OF THIS BOOK BECAUSE SOMEONE DONATED NEW COPIES OF THE TWILIGHT BOOKS AT WORK AND WE DELETED THE ONE I HAVE TRALALALALALALALA BYE PAGES BYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE.
Mari: Aro finally clarifies that while there is no broken law, there is still danger. He smiles and walks around and repeats that there is danger and we are one second away from Aro taking a pee pee break to further prolong the “tension.” I’m skimming, I’m skimming…
Ah, here we go, his point is that the kid could grow up and be evil, I guess? That she is an unknown and thus a vulnerability. Carlisle tells Aro he’s reaching. Garrett (who? No idea.) (C: The Teletubby with the triangle on its head? Remember? The sun was a baby? Mari!) speaks up and says that he came here to witness for Carlisle, but would like to witness something else: the Volturi suck, basically. He says they obviously came here with a mission and are now searching for any excuse to continue that mission. Garrett then waxes poetic about how speshul the Cullen family (not coven) (cult would’ve been better) is. The Cullen assured all their witnesses that this wouldn’t be about a fight, but Garrett wonders if having truth on their side is enough for justice. He asks the Volturi witnesses, many of whom are nomads, if they will be ruled by the Volturi. Garrett says he came to witness but will stay to fight. And basically tells the Volturi to bring it.
Aro turns to his witnesses and asks them if they take the risk and let the child live or do they “put the world in jeopardy” to preserve the Cullen family or do they fight. Does Aro know that he’s a murderer? He’s taking some real moral high ground here. One of his witnesses, Makenna, steps forward and asks if there is an option D. none of the above. Aro says they can totally leave. Makenna says she believes the Cullens. Her mate does, too, and has some fuzzily-mentioned power to tell when people are lying. They leave and a bunch more vampires leave with them, leaving 37 Volturi witnesses.
K: This whole chapter is like a badly written worded maths problem. “If the Cullens have x witnesses and the Volturi have y witnesses but a bunch leave, who loses?” Correct answer: the planet and its entire population.
Mari: A+, right answer.
Aro goes back to his guard and says they are outnumbered now. He asks if they should leave the question undecided and save themselves. The Volturi say no, they are up for some dying and aren’t afraid. Aro thinks it’s definitely time to talk some more, because two super powerful vampire cults have been facing off for like 87 years and nothing has happened yet, so definitely time for some more talk. Aro turns to his council and a couple more witnesses run away.
Bella hugs Reneesmee and says goodbye. She whispers to Jacob, reminding him of the plan to run ASAP and then use all the papers she got them to get away. Edward realizes this is Bella’s secret. Edward says goodbye to his daughter as well, then puts her on Jacob’s shoulder. Bella tells Jacob that she trust him with Reneesmee because he loves her so much. Bella also loves Jacob, who will always be her best man. Edward says goodbye to Jacob, “my brother… my son.”
Annie: Yep. That’s a hard no on that one, Edward. Gross, no thanks.
K: Literally everything about this makes me throw up in my mouth.
Mari: Everyone gets in on the goodbyes, with all the vampire boyfriends and girlfriends kissing and hugging and preparing to fight.
Bella feels a weird tingling at the edge of her shield. (C: They have ointment for that.) She doesn’t know what it is or what it means, but she tells the others to GET READY.
“It’s starting.”
BITCH, THIS IS PAGE 279 OF 294. WHAT DO YOU MEAN “IT’S STARTING?”
Next time on Breaking Dawn: It’s starting in Chapter 38.
I'm a 30-something south Floridan who loves the beach but cannot swim. Such is my life, full of small contradictions and little trivialities. My main life goals are never to take life too seriously, but to do everything I attempt seriously well. After that, my life goals devolve into things like not wearing pants and eating all of the Zebra Cakes in the world. THE WORLD.
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I am a 30-something year-old human woman who lives in Maine. I'm a freelance writer who mostly spends time that I should be doing that, watching T.V. I also love reading and comic books way too much.
I'm a 30-something librarian and I still live with my parents because I'm super broke. Leader of Team Heartless Cow. I have an inexplicable love for 90s television, eat too much chocolate, and read more than is good for me.