Previously: RORY LIVES! Also, the Doctor got locked in a box and the universe exploded, but whatever… RORY!
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The Big Bang
Dani: We open 1,894 years after the last episode, in the home of little Amelia Pond. Amelia’s praying for someone to help her deal with the scary crack in her wall, just like in the first episode. She hears a noise outside and runs to check, but instead of the Doctor, we just see Amelia’s abandoned swing set (which moves like it’s possessed SRSLY WTF???).
Me, if the swings in my backyard moved of their own volition:
K: Just like all those people in Supernatural who are like “Huh, the garbage disposal just started by itself. That’s weird. Better switch it off and stick my hand in, this is going to end great!”, people in TV Land operate on a completely different plane of existence…
Dani: True. TV Land people are the reason we have a THAT’S WHAT HAPPENS! tag.
Young!Amelia gazes up at the moon, and now I’m scared *and* confused: if all the stars exploded, then how is the moon illuminated?
Mari:
The next day, Amelia’s aunts (?) ask her about a painting she made of the sky. They point to the stars and ask what they are, and when Amelia tells them they get super upset. Critical Aunts take Amelia outside and make her look at the still-dark sky and admit there are no stars. They tell her it’s just a story and there’s no such thing as stars, and now I’m even more confused because how are all those trees and plants out there alive and green without the sun and chlorophyll?
Mari:
Dani: Like … didn’t anyone in the writer’s room stop and say, “hang on, lads … if the sun’s been gone nearly two millennia, shouldn’t Earth resemble a barren wasteland rather than dear Old Blighty?” (that’s how English guys talk, right?).
Later that night, Amelia creeps downstairs and overhears Critical Aunts sighing over her regrettable imagination and worrying that she’ll grow up and join a star cult. Amelia eye-rolls. While she’s conveniently sitting on the stairs facing the door, a shadowy figure in a fez shoves a pamphlet for the Pandorica exhibit at the National Museum through the mail slot. Scribbled on it is a note that says “Come along, Pond.” Seems legit.
The next day Critical Aunt #1 takes Amelia to the museum. Amelia quickly ditches her aunt and heads straight to an exhibit with fossilized Daleks before checking out the Pandorica. Once there, someone distracts her by swiping her drink, but we (and she) can’t see who it is. When she turns back, there’s a sticky note on the Pandorica that says “Stick around, Pond.” I guess the “and watch me deface more historic artifacts” part is just implied. (K: insert CURATORIAL RAGE here.) When Critical Aunt comes searching for her errant niece, Amelia runs away and hides.
We’re shown the passage of time by the patrons thinning out, and by Critical Aunt wandering the halls calling for Amelia. Then it’s dark in the museum, so I guess they just shut down? (K: Wait. If there are no stars, there’s no Sun, right? Which means there should be no daylight. And also NO FUCKING MOON BECAUSE THE SUN CAN’T SHINE ON IT TO MAKE IT DO THE GLOWY SKY ORB THING GODDAMMIT MOFFAT.) (D: Appropriate rage is appropriate. The entire episode is predicated on the universe dying and all the stars going out, soooooo……????)
In addition to the celestial wtfery, I think the missing child thing also deserves some of our rage. I mean … a young girl just disappeared from the museum, but no one called the police, or reviewed the security footage, or organized a search party, or noticed the effing sticky note WITH THE MISSING CHILD’S NAME ON IT? Do British people just hate children?
I’m pretty sure that’s writer-code for “we’re about to break every previously established rule of the Whoverse.”
DOO-WEEE-OOOO
After the credits, we’re back in Roman Britain. Rory mourns over dead!Amy and waxes about the universe. He says he could really use one of the ridiculous miracles the Doctor mentioned, and so naturally the Doctor suddenly materializes, wearing a fez and holding a mop. He tells Rory that Amy’s not really dead, only she is, except not really because of timey wimey contrivance factors. The Doctor rambles on about how confusing time travel can be, then he gives Rory his sonic screwdriver and tells him to spring him from the Pandorica. (I guess we’ll just ignore the paradox of how a future!Doctor couldn’t exist unless Rory released him in the past, but Rory can’t release him in the past unless a future!Doctor exists.)
Mari: The writers were banking on the fact that you wouldn’t catch that at all.
K: So THAT’S why they make the Doctor talk so fast!
Dani: Ah yes. Smoke and mirrors! Misdirection! In other words …
“History has collapsed. Whole races have been deleted from existence. These are just like after-images. Echoes. Fossils in time. The footprints of the never-were.”
Mari: Maybe it’s like walking into an invisible wall of stink? I’m trying my hand at stupid explanations.
Dani: You got a bright future in TV writing, kid.
K: I’m not going to lie, this is stupider than the whole Jasmine storyline in season 4 of Angel. And that was spectacularly stupid.
Dani: Rory asks what’s keeping them there, and the Doctor tells them nothing. He says they’re in the eye of the storm and are simply the last lights to go out.
Uh-huh.
The Doctor asks after Amy, and Rory regretfully admits he killed her. He asks what he even is, and the Doctor says a Nestene duplicate; nothing more than a lump of plastic. Rory argues that he broke through whatever was controlling him, but the Doctor says that’s the software talking. Rory doesn’t care – he just wants to save Amy. The Doctor, in typical Doctor fashion, is a total dick about it.
K: It’s like that gif of that Nazi asshat getting punched. By which I mean “delightful and applause-worthy.”
Dani: The Doctor jumps up excitedly because PSYCH! he was just testing to make sure the human side of Rory was really there.
Mari: Still pretty happy he got punched.
K: I’ve been wanting to do it all season. So. Yes.
Dani: They take dead!Amy to the Pandorica, and the Doctor seals her inside. He says that the Pandorica is the ultimate prison and won’t even let you escape via death. It’ll force you to stay alive. Rory points out that Amy’s already dead, but it turns out she’s only mostly dead.
Dani: Amen.
The Pandorica will stasis-lock Amy until it gets a scan of her living DNA to restore her fully… in 1,894 years.
But wait… I thought they were just the “after images” and the last lights to go out?? Now you’re saying the universe will continue for at least 1,894 years so the Pandorica can get young Amelia’s living genome. WTF??? (K: Shh, Dani, stop poking the plot holes.) (D: But there are SO many!)
Okay, back to the “plot…”
Rory says hang on now, they can’t just leave Amy in the stupid box for two thousand years. The Doctor says she’ll be fine, no worries. He grabs River’s vortex manipulator doodad and tells Rory that they’ll just fast-forward into the future.
Rory points out that there was a guard on the Pandorica before, who he killed, so it needs a new guard. The Doctor says Rory can’t guard the box for the next 2,000 years – it would drive him mad. They argue a bit, and finally Rory demands to know whether Amy would be safer if he stayed. The Doctor has to admit that yes, obviously she would be. It’s settled then, as far as Rory is concerned.
The Doctor shakes his head sadly and asks why Rory has to be so human, and this is really the crux of why I’m loving Rory so much more on this rewatch. Even as a Nestene duplicate, he has so much humanity. For me, Rory is this season’s Rose/Martha/Donna. (M: He’s been a breath of fresh air during a season where the Doctor’s defining quality has been being a dick.) (K: For me, he’s kind of a cross between Donna and Mickey. Gets forgotten and left behind and turned into plastic. But also doesn’t stand for the Doctor’s bullshit and argues in favour of humanity at every turn.) Amy’s fine, but her motivation always seems to have more to do with either her crush on the Doctor, or her desire for adventure and adrenaline. Rory is the heart of this show.
Okay, if they brought Rory back just to kill him off again (and off-screen, at that) I’ma cut someone.
Amy sadly whispers Rory’s name, but before she can grieve too much one of the fossilized (except not, obvi) Daleks trundles into the room, threatening to exterminate both Amys. Then the Doctor appears, sees the two Amys, and just says, “Complicated.” I’m sure I could find 100 examples of all the times we were told it was a Very Terrible Idea™ to cross one’s own time stream because horrible things would happen, but okay… let’s go with “complicated” for now.
K: I’m sure there’s some kind of Get Out of Jail Free clause when the universe has been destroyed. And if there’s not, Moffat probably invented one.
Dani: The Dalek’s weapon systems are restoring, so the trio run away. The Doctor grabs a fez from a nearby display and tries to come up with a plan that doesn’t lead to a dead end. A man shouts at all the commotion, and hey I guess the museum has security guards after all. The Doctor tells the dude to run away and save himself, but it’s not just any security dude IT’S RORY! Rory shoots the Dalek with his truly ridiculous plastic-hand-gun, and then he and Amy are reunited. Rory apologizes for shooting her, and she tells him to shut up before kissing him.
The next few scenes are just the Doctor going back and forth in time, leaving all the clues that led to this point – the sonic in Amy’s pocket, the museum pamphlet for young Amelia, the sticky note on the Pandorica, etc. Finally, they head for the roof, but then a future!future!Doctor appears at the top of the stairs – fez-less, and recently shot/blasted by something that made his clothes smoke. He falls down the stairs, apparently dead, except he revives himself just long enough to whisper something in the other Doctor’s ear. The Doctor pops up and cheerfully announces he has twelve minutes to live.
Rory and Amy are freaked about the Doctor dying, but he points out they have other things to worry about. Young Amelia has disappeared, or rather she never existed. The only reason grown Amy is still there is because she’s an anomaly. They’re all anomalies, just barely hanging on because history is still collapsing around them. (Which it’s been doing for the last 2,000 years, no? But sure, let’s panic about it now.)
The Doctor urges everyone up to the roof, where it’s already morning because – you guessed it – the universe is collapsing… just like history, reality, and any affection I still felt for Season 5. The Doctor sonics a satellite to search for the TARDIS. Amy points out that the TARDIS exploded, and the Doctor says fine then he’s searching for an exploding TARDIS.
He also notes that a total event collapse means every star in the universe never existed, so what exactly is that giant, glowing ball of fire in the sky? Rory says it’s the sun, but the Doctor points his sonic at it and says, “well, here’s the noise that sun is making right now.” It’s the sound of the TARDIS, of course. The TARDIS is burning up and that’s what’s been keeping the earth warm. (For 2,000 years? Way to milk a death scene, TARDIS!) (M: Like a vampire with lines on Buffy!) Rory’s super Nestene hearing picks up a voice coming from fiery mass, as well. They listen and hear River Song repeatedly saying, “I’m sorry, my love,” as she did in the last episode.
The Doctor says the TARDIS’s emergency protocols sealed off the control room and placed her in a time loop to save her. We cut to the TARDIS, where River is forever stuck running from the TARDIS controls to the doors, opening them to reveal a wall or rock and saying “I’m sorry, my love.” Rinse and repeat forever. But then in one of the circuits the Doctor appears and says, “Hi, honey, I’m home.” To which River responds, “And what sort of time do you call this?” I love River.
Mari: It’s already obvious that this episode is failing in plots but it gives us some moments, and this was one for me. I don’t always love River, or rather the stories she’s given, but her sass, my god. Great line and great delivery.
K: Agreed. Although the complete lack of explanation for how the Doctor can get in there is infuriating. Like, yeah, he’s got the vortex manipulator and whatever. But it’s a sealed time loop. He just told us that. So…???
Dani: +1 on both points.
Cut back to the rooftop, after the Doctor has somehow plucked River from the time loop and returned with her? River gets briefed on Rory the plastic Centurion and also on the whole universe collapsing thing.
River is like “kill you???,” but the Doctor tells her to shut up and River is like, “well fuck you, then, I’m glad you die!” Only not really, but that would’ve been awesome. The Doctor is off on another ramble about how the Daleks shouldn’t even exist because if the universe never existed the Daleks should have never existed, either. Okay, but you already explained how y’all can still exist in this universe that never existed, so why can’t that same explanation apply to the Daleks?
I HATE THIS.
K: Literally everything about this is Moffat just going “LOOK HOW CLEVER I AAAAAAAAAM” when really it’s not clever at all, it’s just overcomplicated and full of “LOOK OVER HERE WHILE I ADJUST SOMETHING JUST OUT OF SHOT”.
Dani: The oh-so-clever answer is that the Pandorica’s light is actually a restoration field, and it restored the Dalek because all the atoms that were inside the Pandorica at the time of the total event collapse can be used to basically rebuild the entire universe, “like cloning a body from a single cell.” I’m no scientist, but I’m pretty sure that’s not a thing.
The Doctor says the Pandorica contains a memory of the universe, and they’re going to use that memory to reboot the universe. River scoffs at this idea, but the Doctor insists if they transmitted the light from the Pandorica to every particle of space and time simultaneously, giving it a moment of infinite power, then the universe could be restored. (M: I’m pretty sure he’s saying he’s going to turn it off and turn it on again.) (D: Ha, yes!!) River says it’s impossible, but the Doctor argues that all they need is one spark for a Big Bang #2. He’s about to tell them how to do it when the stupid Dalek shoots him dead.
WOMP-WOMP.
Rory shoots the Dalek again, and it powers down. River checks on the Doctor, but he taps the vortex manipulator on his wrist and disappears. Rude. River wonders where the hell the dying Doctor went, so Amy and Rory tell her about him appearing on the top of the stairs earlier. “Show me!” she says, and they tell her that he died. The Dalek starts restoring itself again, so River tells Amy and Rory to go to the Doctor’s body and she’ll meet them there in a minute.
The Dalek tells River she will be exterminated, and I’m like seriously dude …
Mari: It at least earns you a 1430 around these parts!
K: I was planning to start recapping an episode when I finished commenting on this, but now I think I need to watch The Princess Bride instead…
Dani: You’re welcome.
River tells the Dalek that since its systems are still restoring, one Alpha Mezon burst through its eyestalk will kill it for good. The Dalek says records indicate she will show mercy, as she’s an associate of the Doctor. My dude, now would be a good time to hide your eyestalk and run away. Why you gotta stay and argue like that?
River identifies herself and goes all dark-Betty, and I love it.
They find the Doctor inside the Pandorica and learn that he was faking his death as a diversion – as long as the Dalek was chasing everyone else, he could work on the box undisturbed. No one mentions the obvious “but what if the stupid Dalek had killed us all?!,” so I guess we’ll just ignore it.
The Doctor is preparing the Pandorica for Big Bang 2, in which he’ll fly the Pandorica into the exploding TARDIS-sun, thereby making the Pandorica’s restoration field light explode into every moment of time and space and history and just go with it I guess, we’re almost through this. The Doctor has wired the vortex manipulator to himself and the box, and everyone gets Teh Sadz because even though the universe will exist again and everything will be as it should, all memory of the Doctor will be purged from history and like… sealed on the other side, or in the void between worlds, or something? IDEK … this whole plot makes my head hurt. Basically: Doctor gone = SAD.
K: I’m still stuck on “the Pandorica can suddenly fly”, tbh…
Dani: The Doctor asks to see Amy, and he tells her he chose her because she didn’t make sense. Her house was too big for just her and Critical Aunt. He asks about her parents, and Amy says she lost them. But when he asks what they were like, she can’t remember at all and is understandably panicked by this. The Doctor tells her it’s okay; it’s not her fault. The universe has been eating away at her life via the crack in the wall. But he insists that nothing is ever truly forgotten, not really. He tells her to try to remember her parents, and when she wakes up they’ll be there. Amy calls BS on that, but the Doctor insists that the crack in the wall, and the universe pouring through her mind each night made her special. She brought Rory back, so she can bring back her parents, too. Amy cries and says what about him, though, and the Doctor says she won’t need her imaginary friend anymore. He sends her out of the Pandorica and takes off, sending River one last text message of “Geronimo,” because he knows how irritated that makes me.
There’s an explosion, and then everything reverses back to the start of the episode. The Doctor wakes up on the floor of the TARDIS and is pretty psyched to see he’s escaped. Then he realizes his time stream in unraveling, and he’s watching bits of his past as the cracks all seal: scenes from The Lodger, the scary forest with the Weeping Angels, and finally the first episode, when little Amelia pond waited outside all night. The Doctor scoops her up off the cold ground and carries her to bed. He reminisces a little and tells Amelia that when she wakes she’ll have a mum and dad, and he’ll just be a story in her head. There’s a touching monologue about the amazing blue box, and then the Doctor has to exit through the crack in the wall. It seals seconds before little Amelia wakes up, looks about, and then goes back to sleep.
In the morning, a grown Amy is awakened by her mum bringing in breakfast and talking about “the big day.” Amy is happily surprised to see her mum and her dad, although she doesn’t know why she’s surprised by them. She calls Rory.
Dani: Agreed. It’s just one of the many inconsistencies/problems/dumb stuff that could be solved by having more women in the writer’s room.
Cut to the wedding, and yay – they’re married. We get a flash of River walking by the reception, and Amy stands up. Rory asks if she’s okay, and now she’s crying but doesn’t know why. Rory adorably posits that it’s because she’s so very happy, but nope. Amy says she’s really, really sad. (K: Poor Rory…) Then she notices something on the table – it’s River’s journal, only it’s blank inside. Rory says some woman left it for her, and Amy asks why. Rory’s like… um… wedding day? gift? any of this ring a bell?
Amy’s dad starts to make his toast, and then Amy tells him to shut up because she’s rude. (M: Seems like a bad habit she may have picked up from somewhere…) She focuses on somebody’s bow tie, then a guy’s suspenders, and a tear falls on the journal. She tells everybody that someone very important is missing, and then she launches into a story about the invisible friend she had as a child (much to her mum’s dismay). She remembers the Doctor and shouts out that he’s late for her wedding. Glasses start to rattle gently, and Amy keeps talking. She talks about the TARDIS, that new and ancient box, and then recites the “something old, something new, something borrowed, and something blue” as the TARDIS finally vworp-vworps into the room. The Doctor emerges in top hat and tails, because he predicted this. Sadly, what could have been a great scene is ruined by Amy being suddenly and inexplicably Hot for Doctor.
K: Excuse me while I RAGE FOREVER because this is fucking stupid.
Dani: The Doctor stops her and says he’ll leave the kissing to Rory (whom he calls Mr. Pond, lol). Then he moves his box so everyone can dance, and a good time is had by all.
K: Except me to be honest, because the Doctor’s dancing offends my eyeballs. It’s like a giraffe trying to limbo…
Dani: But even less elegant.
The Doctor slips out several hours later and heads to the TARDIS, where River finds him. She asks if he danced, but then remembers that he always dances at weddings, doesn’t he? The Doctor says “you tell me,” and River just warns about spoilers. He returns the journal and vortex manipulator to her, and they have a sort of flirty interaction, and even though I’m not a huge fan of the interspecies Time Lord/human thing, this feels much more appropriate. And I guess we don’t know whether River is entirely human, right?
Dani: The Doctor asks who River even is, and she tells him he’ll find out very soon. Then she apologizes, because she says that’s when everything changes. River vanishes, and the Doctor just says, “nah” in a way that is very much like CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
The Doctor goes inside the TARDIS, but before he can take off he’s joined by Rory and Amy (who makes a remark about snogging him in the bushes and OMFG JUST EFFING STAHP ALREADY and also CONSENT CONSENT CONSENT). The Doctor apologizes for sneaking away, but says something drew the TARDIS to this particular time and date, and the “silence” is still out there, so… he’s off. He gets a call about the next great adventure and tells Rory and Amy that this has to be goodbye. They agree, so they go to the door and shout “goodbye” to their wedding guests. The Doctor tells the caller not to worry, as they’re on their way, and the trio grins.
Yay, Series 5 is over! This episode did not hold up well to recapping (obviously), but the pace was good, so as long as you’re just watching and don’t stop to think about the million and ten plot holes, it’s pretty enjoyable. I’m glad Rory’s back, hopefully to stay. I don’t remember the 6th season AT ALL, but I’m hopeful there’s far less fridge logic, shouting, and Amy trying to force herself on the Doctor. I would also very much like them to stop trouncing everything we’ve been taught regarding the rules of time travel. If these are the new rules, then fine – but I get the feeling they’ll be ignored the next time the plot demands a certain character be killed off and contrivance won’t let us go back and save them like we did here.
Final thought: I didn’t think this needed to be a two-parter, but I feel that way about every two-part Doctor Who episode.
Mari: I’m with you. I think this episode sacrificed story telling, both in the episode and in the larger context of the world, for flashy moments. It was frustrating the watch a whole episode make no sense, but it had some nice moments. I loved Rory’s dedication to Amy, I loved the quieter moments between River and the Doctor, I loved the Doctor scooping up a sleeping baby Amy and putting her back in bed, monologuing and crying and hoping that she’d remember him.
Yeah, but otherwise, boo to the plot.
K: Classic Moffat – occasionally solid moments, but lots and lots of LOOK AT MEEEEE plot. Sigh.
Next time on Doctor Who: We rank season 5.
I’m a serial procrastinator and a genuinely terrible singer, and if anyone knows how to monetize either of these skills please hit me up. In my spare time, I like to study Dutch painters, Italian architecture, and Canadian bacon.
I'm a 30-something south Floridan who loves the beach but cannot swim. Such is my life, full of small contradictions and little trivialities. My main life goals are never to take life too seriously, but to do everything I attempt seriously well. After that, my life goals devolve into things like not wearing pants and eating all of the Zebra Cakes in the world. THE WORLD.
I'm a 30-something librarian and I still live with my parents because I'm super broke. Leader of Team Heartless Cow. I have an inexplicable love for 90s television, eat too much chocolate, and read more than is good for me.