Doctor Who S06 E00 – Christmas is not crashing into alien planets.

Previously: The Doctor was brought back from somewhere by the power of Amy’s memory.
—

A Christmas Carol

K: We open in space, floating above a planet. Just then, we’re interrupted by a klaxon and a voice advising us to take our seats and fasten our safety belts because of turbulence. A spaceship is crashing. A woman who I recognise from our old friend One Episode of Everything Ever (D: I love that show!) (K: Isn’t it great??) appears in a captain’s uniform and says “The ship is going down. Christmas is cancelled.” DID YOU MEAN “MY DREAM”???

Marines: 

K: It me.

Incidentally, in my search down the IMDB black hole of “why do I know this person?” I discovered that her real name is Pooky Quesnell, which is a PHENOMENAL name and I’mma use it.

Anyway, back to Pooky’s crashing spaceship. (D: “Pooky’s Crashing Spaceship” is my band name! Called it!) They enter the planet’s atmosphere, which is full of weirdass clouds. The pilots fight to maintain control. A distress signal is activated and Pooky’s all “The fuck?” because she didn’t send it. She asks who’s in the honeymoon suite, because that’s where the signal was activated. Amy bursts in, wearing her policewoman outfit, and tells them all not to worry because she’s sent for help. They’re all “Who the fuck are you??” and then judge her outfit.

Rory bursts in dressed as a centurion to say that the light’s stopped flashing and does that mean the Doctor’s coming? Everyone gets all “Hur hur, the honeymooners are playing dress ups” and it’s super awkward because a) this is a family show and b) YOUR SPACESHIP IS LITERALLY CRASHING JFC FOCUS ON THAT.

Rory wants to know if the Doctor’s coming. Amy insists that he always comes and then mutters under her breath that this time, he’d better not be late. One of the pilots says there’s a small vessel along side them. Pooky demands that the message be put on screen. “COME ALONG POND” it says. Pooky asks what the hell that means, and we zoom in on Amy, who grins and says “It’s Christmas.” That… what?

Dani: Sense this any doesn’t make.

Mari: Christmas is not crashing into alien planets.

K: Or something.

DOO WEE OOO!

After the credits, we zoom through the clouds and down to the city below. There’s a domed building in the middle, shooting bolts of electricity into the sky. The whole thing is very steampunk, tbh, because the city itself and everyone’s costumes are very Victorian.

A voiceover – it’s Michael Gambon – informs us that all over the universe, people stop half way through winter to congratulate themselves on getting half way through winter. On Earth, it’s called Christmas (excuse me while my midsummer Christmas Days and I glare at Steven Moffat and his northern hemisphere-centric attitude). On this planet, it’s called The Crystal Feast.

We pan up to Michael Gambon in his lightning-making dome as he shouts that he calls Christmas “expecting something for nothing!” Due to the unnecessary shouting and the grinch factor, I’mma call him DumbleScrooge. (D: I love you.) The camera pans around to show us that DumbleScrooge is shouting at a poor family. The man of the family is begging DumbleScrooge to “just let her out for one day” because she loved Christmas.

The “she” in question is a young blonde woman who’s in some kind of cryo-freezer box thing. DumbleScrooge bangs on the glass of the box with his cane and is all “WAKE UP IT’S CHRISTMAAAAS”. Obviously there’s no response so he makes a terrible joke about how “she’s a bit cool about the whole thing“.

He snappily asks how much the poor family owe, and a servant tells him it’s 4,500 gideons. DumbleScrooge informs the icky poor people that she’s the collateral for their loan. Poor Dad says they don’t want her back, they just want to have Christmas with her. Meanwhile, a phone rings and a servant informs DumbleScrooge that it’s the president. DumbleScrooge gives zero fucks.

He makes a gross comment about how pretty Popsicle Girl is and leeringly says that maybe he should keep her. Turns out she’s not Poor Dad’s daughter so much as she’s his aunt. His mother says she volunteered years ago when they hit financial difficulties. The servant interrupts again to say that the president says there’s a ship trapped in the cloud and they have to let it land or it’ll crash. “Well, that’s a type of landing, isn’t it?” he says. The servant awkwardly says that it’s from Earth and there are over 4,000 people on board. DumbleScrooge laughs that there won’t be if they wait a bit. Yikes.

He takes the phone to talk to the president just as a vworp-vworp sound happens in the background. DumbleScrooge snaps that their population is already in surplus and no new people are allowed on this planet because he makes the rules. Poor Kid notices soot coming down the chimney. DumbleScrooge tries to shuffle the Poor Family along, but just then, a huge ball of fire shoots out of the fireplace, followed by a soot-covered Doctor who says that he’s just doing pre-checks for Santa. Everyone is very confused.

After assuring Poor Kid that Santa is real by showing him a picture of Santa, the Doctor, and Einstein at Frank Sinatra’s hunting lodge in 1952 (uh…???), he crosses to something that looks like an organ keyboard with masses of pull stops. He’s all “OOOOH!!” because it’s shiny and also he’s worked out it’s controlling the lightning bolts in the sky. He asks who Popsicle Girl is, and DumbleScrooge says “Nobody important.” The Doctor responds thusly:

Mari: I love, “humans are important and all their little moments count” Doctor so much. Definitely more than “humans are stupid LET ME YELL AT THEM!” Doctor.

Dani: Are we getting a break from Shouty Doctor, then? It’s a Christmas miracle!

K: It really is.

He runs back over to the console panel and starts poking buttons, determined to save the spaceship. But LOL NOPE, it’s programmed to only respond to DumbleScrooge. DumbleScrooge says that his family tamed the skies of this world and now they’re his to control. The Doctor’s all “U WOT?”, and DumbleScrooge is all “Uh, excuse me, how do you not know who I am when I am this rich and important?”. “Well, just easily bored, I suppose...” the Doctor replies. Poor Dad smothers a laugh.

The Doctor says he needs DumbleScrooge’s help to save the 4,003 people on the ship. DumbleScrooge is all “…nah” and tells his servants to throw the Doctor out. The Doctor somehow – astonishingly, given how often he trips over his own limbs – dodges them and makes vague threats, before telling DumbleScrooge that whatever happens tonight, he should remember that he brought it on himself. Uh, okay Jacob Marley.

He has the servants throw the Doctor and Poor Family out. Poor Kid breaks away to throw something at DumbleScrooge, hitting him in the head. DumbleScrooge goes to backhand the kid and everyone yells at once. He stops himself and tells the servants to get back to throwing everyone out. Somehow, inexplicably, the Doctor manages to remain behind. He’s intrigued as to why DumbleScrooge didn’t hit the kid.

He starts doing his excited-rambly-Doctor-just-figured-out-an-important-thing routine, which is basically summed up as DumbleScrooge had an abusive father and he’s still scared of him, even 20 years after he died. OH COOL LET’S HAVE A LIGHTHEARTED CHRISTMAS STORY ABOUT CHILD ABUSE. THANKS, MOFFAT. The Doctor bails.

Crashing Spaceship. (D: Ahem, b’excuse you… I think you mean POOKY’s Crashing Spaceship.) (K: SORRY) Amy calls the Doctor to ask what his plan is. He says he doesn’t have one yet, but he’s working on it. He tells Amy about the machine and how it could let them land safely buuuut oops the man who owns it hates him. The whole thing reminds me of the Cursed Frogurt scene from The Simpsons. But with more crashing.

The call is interrupted when Poor Dad calls the Doctor over to say that he’s never seen anyone stand up to DumbleScrooge like that and also Merry Christmas. Uhhhhh. What happened to people on this planet calling the midwinter celebration “The Crystal Feast”? Have we just abandoned all pretence of this being an alien planet now? Wonderful…

Mari: Gotta love when the writers forget what they wrote five seconds ago.

K: Isn’t it great?

Anyway, Poor Dad tells the Doctor that he’d better hurry up and get inside because the fog’s coming in and “there’s a fish warning“. The Doctor’s all “????” and Poor Dad says that he reckons DumbleScrooge always lets a few fish through the cloud layer when he’s mad. He thanks the Doctor again and rushes off. The Doctor’s still stuck on the fish thing. Amy says they’ve got less than an hour of crashing left, which… seems like an awful lot. (M: Prolonged and forewarned crashing– perfect for TV!) (D: If only we could add some prolonged death-scenes…) She asks what they should be doing. But the Doctor can’t offer advice – he’s too busy staring at a school of little fish swimming around the light of a lamp post because wheeeeeee fish can swim in fog on this planet.

Dani: Great, more things that can poop on your head. Like birds weren’t bad enough.

K: Seriously. Everyone laughs at me for hating the walk-through aviaries at the zoo, but Y’ALL. YOU ARE ASKING TO GET POOPED ON.

Amy’s all “STOP GETTING DISTRACTED!” but he holds his hand out to the fish, calling them “sweet little fishy-wishies” (gag) and wondering aloud why anyone would be scared of them. The fish dart away and behind the Doctor, we see a sharky shape moving through the fog. He realises that fish in the fog means fish in the clouds and tells Amy to be careful. She basically headdesks. Just then, the clock strikes eleven (excuse me while I eyeroll) and the speakers throughout town start playing Ding Dong Merrily On High. Are you telling me that humanity has advanced through thousands of years and we still haven’t gotten any better Christmas carols???

Amy wants to know how he’s going to save them. The Doctor starts his word vomit routine, saying that the TARDIS can’t log onto them, so the ship needs to land safely, which can’t happen unless a bad man turns good. Amy can’t hear him over the singing. She asks what it is. He says it’s a Christmas carol. “A what?” “A Christmas carol!” Rinse and repeat like three more times before he gets Idea Face. Anyone else need to seek medical assistance from being hit over the head with how fucking obvious this is?

Ugh, fine, I’ll give the Doctor what he’s due:

But, like, begrudgingly.

Dani: Take that, Moffat, et. al.! 

K: Cut to DumbleScrooge asleep by the fire. We then cut to BabyScrooge, aged 12 1/2, making a video diary in his bedroom. He says it’s his top secret project, until he’s interrupted by his father DumbleYelling (M: wooooooow) at him. DumbleScrooge wakes up to see his childhood video diary projected across the wall. His father – also played by Michael Gambon, albeit with a terrible villain beard – tells him that he’s a “stupid, ignorant, ridiculous child.”

BabyScrooge says that he just wants to see the fish because everyone else at school has. AbuserScrooge says that the fish are dangerous and that he’ll be singing to the fish next, like the gypsies. OH COOL LET’S ADD ETHNIC SLURS TO THE CHILD ABUSE. AWESOME. BabyScrooge says that he’s seen that singing works and that the fish like it. Uh. Kid. You said you’d never seen the fish.

Anyway, AbuserScrooge gives zero fucks about the fish and says that BabyScrooge isn’t to listen to anyone but him. Then he slaps him across the face. Merry Christmas. Back in the present, DumbleScrooge flinches and touches his face, watching his baby self cry and apologise to his abuser.

The Doctor comes up behind him and says quietly that it’s okay. DumbleScrooge shouts “What have you done? What is this?” at him. The Doctor jovially says that he found the footage on an old drive, and then says it’s useless calling the servants because they all won the lottery at the same time and quit. What a crazy random happenstance.

Mari: Did he lie to all those servants and then show DumbleScrooge a video of his childhood trauma? MERRY CHRISTMAS! 

K: Suuuuuuuuuper cheerful, no?

On screen, BabyScrooge cries some more as AbuserScrooge snaps that there’s a fog warning and he needs to keep the windows shut. DumbleScrooge (I’m starting to regret these names, tbh) demands to know who the Doctor is, and he smirks and says that for tonight, “I’m the Ghost of Christmas Past“.

DumbleScrooge watches his baby self cry some more, and the Doctor asks if he ever got to see the fish when he was a kid. DumbleScrooge says it doesn’t matter. The Doctor points at crying BabyScrooge and says it clearly mattered to him then. DumbleScrooge tells him to GTFO. The Doctor smirks that he’ll be back. Way back. Way, way back.

BabyScrooge continues to cry as the TARDIS vworp-vworps away. And then it vworp-vworps into the video footage. “See? Back!” the Doctor says as he bursts through BabyScrooge’s window. He introduces himself as the Doctor, BabyScrooge’s new babysitter on account of the usual one has ALSO won the lottery. What a coinkidink.

Dani: ANOTHER Christmas miracle! 

Then he talks directly into BabyScrooge’s camera, saying that the past is going to change, which means DumbleScrooge’s memories will change. He wishes he could see his face. DumbleScrooge yells that this never happened, then cuts himself off with “…But it did.”

Mari: Is it me or is this weird and invasive?

Dani: It does seem vaguely memory-rapey. But nothing says Christmas like having your childhood memories corrupted and/or violated.

K: Yeah, the whole thing is SUPER icky.

Cut to BabyScrooge’s bedroom. The Doctor investigates the room excitedly. BabyScrooge asks if he’s really a babysitter, and that leads us to the most relatable part of Eleven’s entire run: “I think you’ll find I’m universally recognised as a mature and responsible adult.”

He shows BabyScrooge the psychic paper (welcome back, old friend), and BabyScrooge says it’s just wibbly lines. The Doctor sighs and says he’s finally told a lie big enough to short it out. See also: how I feel about responsible adulting.

He admits to not being a real babysitter, but says that BabyScrooge really wants him because he’s not a regular mom, he’s a cool mom. He gets all excited about the fish in the clouds and being able to see them. BabyScrooge is hesitant because DANGER but the Doctor brushes it aside.

Cut to the sonic screwdriver, dangling from the ceiling by the open window, making sonar ping noises. It’s connected to a string around the Doctor’s finger as he and BabyScrooge hide in the cupboard. The Doctor asks why he wants to see the fish so badly, and it turns out that at school one day, the nets broke and a whole shoal of fish came through. It’s all anyone talks about any more. Except he was off sick that day.

Cut back to DumbleScrooge, still watching the footage because apparently the Doctor’s been recording the entire time. Just then, there’s a tug on the line. DumbleScrooge says he remembers. The Doctor goes to push the door open, and DumbleScrooge yells “No, Doctor, you mustn’t!“. But the Doctor can’t hear him and creeps out of the wardrobe, leaving BabyScrooge behind him.

There’s a little dinky fish nibbling at the end of the sonic screwdriver. The Doctor’s all “Oh hai, fishy!” and starts asking how it flies and what it eats. BabyScrooge asks if he can come out and see it, but the Doctor tells him to stay put. Good thing too because a massive shark swoops through the window and swallows the dinky fish and the sonic. Womp.

The Doctor rushes back into the wardrobe and the shark starts banging on the door. BabyScrooge is all “Uhhh??”. The Doctor says that he’s definitely got a story of his own for school now, and that he understands the fog, which will let him land a spaceship in the future, and also he’s gonna get some really interesting readings from his sonic when he gets it back from the shark in BabyScrooge’s bedroom. BabyScrooge is all “SHARK???” and just then, the banging on the wardrobe door stops. BabyScrooge asks what it’s doing. “What do you call it when you don’t have any feet, and you’re taking a run up?” the Doctor asks. He pulls BabyScrooge out of the way just as the shark busts through the door. In the future, DumbleScrooge yells “NO!” as the footage cuts out.

He turns around in horror and says “It’s going to eat us…” Cut to BabyScrooge saying the same thing. (D: This is super trip and I’m surprised by how much I’m enjoying it.) The shark is stuck in the doorway of the wardrobe. The Doctor says he can probably stun it with a pulse from his sonic, which is “within reach“. In reality, it’s inside the shark. The Doctor hypothesises that the way it’s stuck in the doorway means it can’t close its mouth. He says he’s got two goes – two arms – and then BabyScrooge can have a turn. He really is the worst babysitter of all time.

One “Geronimo!” later, he’s recovered half the sonic and the shark is on the floor of BabyScrooge’s room. BabyScrooge thinks she’s dying, and the Doctor’s all “YUP SEEMS ABOUT RIGHT”. BabyScrooge cries and says he didn’t want to kill the shark, just stun it. He asks if they can get it back up to the cloud layer. We cut to DumbleScrooge having a dose of the feelings as the Doctor tells BabyScrooge that he can’t save the shark. Not without some kind of life support.

“You mean like an ice box? Okay!” BabyScrooge says enthusiastically. The Doctor gets this-was-my-plan-all-along face. They rush downstairs to the basement and the Doctor stares in horror into a vault full of cryo-freezer boxes. He asks what it is, and BabyScrooge says that his dad calls it “the surplus population“. But they can’t get the vault door open. There’s a pin code on the door and the half-a-sonic is too busted to override it. The Doctor yells that he needs the code. BabyScrooge says he’s not allowed to know until he’s older. In the present, DumbleScrooge yells that it’s 7258. The Doctor pops his head around the door to say thanks, then heads back to the past and runs back down the stairs yelling out the code.

Inside the vault, BabyScrooge says that the house is built on a fog lake, which is how his dad can freeze people. He says that all the cryo-boxes are full but they could borrow one. He picks one, seemingly at random, and Popsicle Girl is inside. BabyScrooge says she won’t mind because she likes the fish. He touches a button on the side of the box and a hologram plays of Popsicle Girl – Abigail Pettigrew – talking about how grateful she is to AbuserScrooge for letting her do this and how it’s great because now she can be with the fish.

Dani: As someone from New Jersey, I gotta say “being with the fish” sounds way too mafia to be a good thing.

K: TRUE STORY.

The Doctor peers into the other boxes and asks why these people are here. “My dad lends money. He always takes a family member as… He calls it ‘security’,” BabyScrooge says. Ew, no. (M: The ew, no-iest.)  The camera pans out to show us that there are hundreds of cryo-boxes in the vault. BabyScrooge goes to put a code into the side of Popsicle Girl’s box but just then the sonic starts beeping.

He asks the Doctor what it’s doing, and apparently it’s signalling to the other half of the sonic, trying to repair itself. It’s acting like a homing beacon. They realise simultaneously that this means the shark has woken up. BabyScrooge runs as the shark appears above them. The Doctor leaps to one side and knocks down a bunch of cryo-boxes. BabyScrooge hides and we see the shark’s dorsal fin in the fog behind him.

Just then, Popsicle Girl – who’s now out of her cage and she’s been doing just fine – starts to sing In the Bleak Midwinter. BabyScrooge walks towards her in awe and we see the shark chilling at her feet as she sings.

The Doctor appears and is all “Pff, it’s not the singing that’s doing that, it’s because the singing makes the ice crystals resonate.” So…it kind of is the singing then? (M: Yes.) BabyScrooge basically tells him to shut it because the fish like the singing.

The Doctor keeps wibbling about how this is how the machine works – it makes the ice crystals resonate blah blah no one really cares – and little fish keep biting him. BabyScrooge tells him that it’s because they like the singing and want him to STFU. BabyScrooge stares at Popsicle Girl singing to the shark.

Back in the present, the painting behind DumbleScrooge’s chair changes. It’s not his father now. It’s Popsicle Girl. He smiles at it a little sadly, then says “It’s bigger on…”. “The inside!” BabyScrooge finishes. The Doctor is pushing the cryo-box full of shark towards the TARDIS. Cut to them all inside the TARDIS. Popsicle Girl gushes that it’s amazing. The Doctor scoffs and says he keeps amazing out here, and throws open the doors. They’re up in the cloud layer and we pan around a whole bunch of fish doing their fishy thing.

Popsicle Girl and BabyScrooge stare in awe. (D: I have to admit most of the alien stuff in this show creeps me out, but every now and then (like here) they give us something cool and beautiful that I actually wish was real.) In the present, DumbleScrooge starts rummaging around in a cupboard and comes up with a locked chest. In the past, the Doctor goes to release the shark from its cryo-box. BabyScrooge pulls a camera from his pocket and starts taking pictures of Popsicle Girl. In the present, DumbleScrooge finds the photos he took.

Past. The shark swims off. The Doctor notices a bunch of numbers on the front of the cryo-box. They’re stood still at 000 008. He asks Popsicle Girl what they mean, and she says it’s about her and asks if he’s one of her doctors. He looks perplexed and asks if she needs a doctor. Just then, something in the TARDIS goes ding. He dashes off, saying that their time is up because it’s nearly Christmas Day. Cut to them putting Popsicle Girl back in her box in the vault. She makes a comment about them visiting again, and BabyScrooge blurts out that the Doctor visits every Christmas Eve, for realsies. The Doctor gets “U WOT?” face.

That throws us to the Doctor and BabyScrooge opening the cryo-box door, wearing Christmas hats. They all rush off to have adventures, and the dial on the front of the box changes from 000 008 to 000 007. DUN DUN DUUUUUUN.

Anyway, the Doctor’s plan for Christmas Adventures is to use the half a sonic to lure the shark down and then strap the shark to a carriage/thing and go flying around in the sky. This… is kind of a terrible idea. Especially when they’re up in the air, flying over the city, and he excitedly reveals that he has no idea how to get them down again. They fly through the city, hollering with glee and people stare as they pass. Which, legit.

At the end of it – no footage of how they get down, btw – Popsicle Girl declares it to be the best Christmas ever. “Til the next one!” says BabyScrooge. They shut her back in her cryo-box and we cut to DumbleScrooge sitting on the floor, surrounded by photos. “New memories. How can I have new memories?” he says.

Back to BabyScrooge and the Doctor opening the cryo-box and yelling “Merry Christmas!“.

Popsicle Girl joyfully responds “Doctor!“. Cut back to DumbleScrooge smiling at his photos. Rinse and repeat several times. The counter on Popsicle Girl’s cryo-box reaches 000 004. More photos. More Merry Christmases. Finally, BabyScrooge is all grown up and Popsicle Girl is all “Forget the Doctor, hello man candy!”. He’s taken aback. The counter hits 000 003.

They head to the TARDIS and there’s some awkward almost flirting between Popsicle Girl and HottyScrooge. (M: I’m really happy you committed to these nicknames.) (D: BEST) (K: Look, when I find a theme, I stick with it to the bitter end.) He asks the Doctor where they’re going this year, and she requests that they stay right where they are. Cut to her watching her family through the window and crying.

HottyScrooge asks if you’re supposed to talk to girls when they’re crying and the Doctor basically turns into the shrug emoticon. HottyScrooge walks over to her, and she says she’s crying because her sister’s family are so happy. He’s all “But they’re poor?” and she points out to his dumb rich ass that happiness and poverty aren’t mutually exclusive. She says this is the life she can never have. He asks why, and she takes his hand and jokes about making him blush. The Doctor pops up inside the house and gestures for them to come inside.

The Doctor attempts card tricks with Child!Poor Dad and fails miserably. HottyScrooge and Popsicle Girl’s brother -in-law put up decorations. Popsicle Girl fills her sister in, and her sister tells her to be careful of HottyScrooge because he’s bound to end up like his abusive father. Then she asks Popsicle Girl to stay and have Christmas with them the next day. She insists that she can’t. So her sister stands up and says that Christmas is cancelled… because they’re going to have it right now instead. Everyone’s thrilled.

The Orchestra of Happy Feelings earns its pay cheque as they celebrate and pop Christmas crackers and wear stupid paper hats and toast to Christmas. The camera pans down to show us that Popsicle Girl and HottyScrooge are holding hands under the table. Later, she hugs the Doctor goodbye and then basically tells him to fuck off so she can say good night to HottyScrooge. He gives them both eyebrows of innuendo as he leaves, bashing into things because of course. (D: Sigh. You’d think he’d get smoother (or at least slightly less embarrassing) after living for 900 years.)

HottyScrooge scurries after the Doctor to be all “OMG SHE’S GOING TO KISS ME WHAT DO I DOOOOOOO??”. The Doctor tells him to “try and be all nervous and rubbish and a bit shaky” because he’ll be like that anyway so you may as well make it part of the plan.

HottyScrooge awkwards some more, and the Doctor laughs a little and shoves him towards Popsicle Girl. She kisses him and a choir breaks into triumphant song. Cut to DumbleScrooge staring at photos some more. One of them says “California 1952” on the back.

Cut to California, 1952. Popsicle Girl stands sadly by a swimming pool. HottyScrooge comes and finds her, excitedly saying that the Doctor is “going to do a duet with Frank!“. She continues looking sad and says she has to tell him a very bad thing – the truth. The Doctor appears and says they’ve got to go ASAP because he just accidentally got engaged to Marilyn Monroe, but they’re too busy kissing to care. He’s all “HI EXCUSE ME HELLO??” with no success and eventually grumps that he’ll just go off and get married then. “Marilyn? Get your coat!” he yells. It’s meant to be funny but I really hate when they do this and-then-the-Doctor-married-a-famous-woman-hur-hur-hur bullshit.

Mari: I didn’t realize how often it happens. There is a ton of cheap shorthand throughout the series to remind us that the Doctor is desirable. We don’t need it. We get it.

K: Yup.

The Doctor stomps off, presumably to marry Marilyn, and they finally break apart. HottyScrooge asks what they’re going to do, and she tearfully says there’s nothing they can do. Cut to him loading her back into her cryo-box. She’s tearful, and once the door is sealed, he gets a very cold look on his face. The Doctor’s all “Okay, well, see you next year!” and HottyScrooge snaps that Christmas is for kids, this is getting boring, and he has to go work for his dad now.

The Doctor is super confused but leaves him with the half a sonic just in case he ever needs to get in touch. “I won’t need you,” HottyScrooge says. The Doctor asks what’s happened. HottyScrooge just walks away. “What about Abigail?” the Doctor calls after him. HottyScrooge replies “I know where to find her.” The camera pans across to show us that her counter has reached 000 001. HottyScrooge seals the vault behind him, tears on his face.

Back in the present, DumbleScrooge looks tearfully behind him to see that his father’s painting is back on the wall. Past. Next Christmas Eve, AbuserScrooge shows his now not hot but very grumpy looking son the completed control panel, and tells him that it’ll let them control the sky, the clouds, and the fish. GrumpyScrooge asks why they need to control the fish, and apparently it’s because people are cattle and you need to control their predators? That doesn’t make a lot of sense, dude, but whatever. He tells GrumpyScrooge that the panel will only respond to them, and so the planet is theirs.

GrumpyScrooge excuses himself and goes to his room. Murray Gold and the orchestra start “I Am the Doctor”-ing (M: Perpetual fave!) as he opens a drawer and pulls out the sonic. He spins around to see the Doctor standing (slightly smugly, tbh) outside the window. He walks over and yanks the curtains closed, then dumps the sonic back in a drawer.

In the present, DumbleScrooge pulls out the sonic from the depths of the drawer and presses it thoughtfully to his face. Just then, the phone rings. It’s the president again. DumbleScrooge continues to give zero fucks about all the people who are about to die. He snaps that “As a very old friend of mine once took a very long time to explain, life isn’t fair,” and hangs up. Then he stares sadly down at the photos of Popsicle Girl, still lying on the floor.

A hologram of Amy appears in the room. She declares herself to be the ghost of Christmas present. He slut shames her outfit because Steven Moffat, and Rory shoves her out of the way to tell him to STFU. Amy returns to say that yes, she can turn into a Roman dude but she can also do… this. She vanishes, and he’s like “Uh…?” Just then, the strains of Silent Night start up. It’s coming from the vault, which is suddenly full of people.

DumbleScrooge opens the door and stares at them. Amy reappears to say that they’re holograms, like her. People from the ship. She says they’re singing for their lives because he’s the only one who can save them. She asks which cryo-box is Popsicle Girl and when he gives her a startled look, she says the Doctor told her. He’s pissed that he met the Doctor for the first time tonight but he’s also known him all his life.

Amy points out that the Doctor was nicely trying to make him a nicer person. DumbleScrooge snaps that time can be rewritten, but people can’t. He stomps through the holograms, who vanish one by one, and stops in front of Popsicle Girl’s cryo-box, staring at her sadly. “I would never have known her if the Doctor hadn’t changed the course of my whole life to suit himself…” he says. Amy says that surely that’s a good thing? But no. He finally reveals the truth – she was dying when she went into the cryo-box, and all those Christmas Eves with him used up what was left of her life. She has one day left, and how is he supposed to decide which day it should be?

Dani: It’s a shame he doesn’t know someone with a box that can travel through ALL OF SPACE AND TIME to locate a cure for whatever she’s prematurely dying from.

K: OKAY, RIGHT????? This whole “welp, let’s not try and deal with that” thing is…bizarre and infuriating.

Amy says that she’s very very sorry, but Popsicle Girl has more time left than her, more time than anyone on the ship. “Good,” he snaps. Amy tells Rory to widen the beam. Somehow, this makes DumbleScrooge a hologram on the ship’s bridge. Amy says that seeing as he’s going to let everyone die, he should at least see where it’s going to happen. Everyone works frantically around him and people sing Silent Night some more.

He asks why they’re singing, and Rory snaps that it was the Doctor’s idea. He thought it might stabilise the ship because of what it does to the ice crystals. But it’s not working. It’s not powerful enough. Pooky begs him to use the machine to free them from the cloud layer. They’ll still have time to land and no one needs to die.

“Everybody has to die,” he says coldly. Amy says that it doesn’t have to be now, and he shrugs that now’s as good a time as any. “How do you choose?” he tells her.

She raises her walkie talkie and asks the Doctor if he’s hearing this. DumbleScrooge is all “THE DOCTOR IS HERE??” and with that, he’s back in the vault. The TARDIS is behind him.

The Doctor apologises to him, saying that he didn’t realise. DumbleScrooge snaps that he’s been called heartless his entire life, the whole life the Doctor created for him. He asks why the Doctor’s there, and the Doctor says that he’s seen the past and the present. Now it’s time to see the future. DumbleScrooge snaps that he’ll “die cold, alone and afraid,” just like everyone does. It doesn’t matter what the Doctor shows him, he still won’t care about all the people up on the spaceship. Not ever.

The Doctor leans forward slightly and says he doesn’t believe that. “Then show me the future! Prove me wrong,” DumbleScrooge snaps. “I am showing it to you. I’m showing it to you right now…” the Doctor says. BabyScrooge is standing behind his old man self. They walk towards each other, and BabyScrooge says “Dad?” in confusion.

DumbleScrooge raises his hand to slap BabyScrooge, then flashes back to his father hitting him as a kid, to him nearly hitting Poor Kid earlier, to kissing Popsicle Girl. BabyScrooge gasps in fear and starts crying. DumbleScrooge breaks down and sobs. He apologises to his small child self, and tells him it’s okay to be frightened. They hug and cry and isn’t it a fucking paradox to meet yourself???? Ugh, whatever. The Doctor watches them for a moment, then interrupts to say that they don’t have much time.

Dani: I don’t understand why this suddenly changed his heart but none of the other stuff did. Weak.

K: Agreed.

Cut to the crashing spaceship. Pooky yells that they have five minutes left before they HAVE to land. The Doctor appears on the screen and tells them to log onto his signal because “I just saved Christmas!“. Cut to DumbleScrooge fiddling with the control panel. It won’t respond to him. The Doctor’s changed him too much and the machine his father created doesn’t recognise him any more. (M: Say wuh?) BabyScrooge says there has to be something they can do, and DumbleScrooge offers up the half a sonic screwdriver.

The Doctor gets idea face, and says that with the shark up in the cloud layer (uh, you sure it’s still alive, bro?), they can use DumbleScrooge’s aerial to boost the signal and set up a pattern between the two halves. But they need to send something else too. Something they know will work. “I’m sorry, Kazran. I truly am…” he says. They need Popsicle Girl to sing. Her voice calmed the shark so apparently it will calm the entire sky too. This… is a pretty massive piece of contrivance. (D: Ugh, do not like.)

Cut to DumbleScrooge standing in front of her cryo-box. He asks the Doctor if he could do this, which day he would pick to spend one last day with his beloved.

The Doctor looks sad. “Christmas,” says Popsicle Girl. She cradles his face, and accuses him tearfully of having hoarded her days. She says they’ve had enough Christmas Eves and now it’s time for Christmas Day.

Back on the spaceship, they’re still crashing. Amy yells for the Doctor. Just then, the copilot says he’s got something. It’s Popsicle Girl’s voice. She’s singing into the half a sonic, and it’s resonating in the crystals. The Doctor says he’s going to do a thing and explains it in great detail and look, none of us  care so let’s just skip over it. Whatever he’s doing, it will unlock the clouds. BabyScrooge asks what happens when the clouds are unlocked, and the Doctor smiles and says “Something that hasn’t happened in this town for a very long time now…“

Obviously it starts snowing. I also feel the need to point out that the song Popsicle Girl is singing was written by Murray Gold and it includes the word “Silence” a lot. (D: I think its title is “The Foreshadowing Song.”) ANYWAY. The Doctor smiles at the sky as she keeps singing. The spaceship is able to regain control and fly normally. They can land safely. Amy and Rory hug in relief.

Back on the ground, Popsicle Girl is singing to DumbleScrooge about how when he’s here, music is all around. The Doctor and BabyScrooge head towards the TARDIS as the streets fill with townsfolk, excited about the snow. The sonic pings, and DumbleScrooge looks up to see the shark in the clouds above. The Doctor and BabyScrooge vworp-vworp away, back to the past where he belongs. DumbleScrooge waves them goodbye as Popsicle Girl keeps singing. Once the TARDIS is gone, DumbleScrooge sees the carriage from their sharky fun times earlier and he smiles.

Later, the Doctor’s returned and is rubbing noses with a snowman. Amy and Rory turn up, still in their police/Roman costumes. The Doctor is all “……….wtf are you wearing?” and Rory claims they lost their luggage in the crash landing. That doesn’t explain why they were wearing those outfits in the first place and Amy awkwardly changes the subject to other honeymoon locations, seeing as this one was a fail. The Doctor suggest an actual moon made of actual honey except that it’s not honey or a moon and it’s alive and “a bit carnivorous.” The views are good though.

Rory heads into the TARDIS, Amy and the Doctor have a bonding moment, there’s one final joke about Marilyn being on the phone, and the Doctor stares up at the sky where DumbleScrooge and Popsicle Girl are flying around in their shark-drawn carriage. Merry Christmas. Or something…

You guys, it’s currently Thursday night. I’ve been recapping this episode since Sunday. That should give you some indication of how long this episode felt. Don’t get me wrong – I really liked the idea of retelling A Christmas Carol with time travel. And the world was pretty cool. But when you’re recapping something across five days? I swear, this episode feels like it goes for at least a year.

Mari: It took me just as long to watch and recap. I don’t think we’re the problem. The episode is overlong and a little slow and kind of all over the place with its plot. 

Dani: Well, it’s taken me three weeks just to finish my comments (sorry!!), so yeah … pacing was definitely an issue. But the fish were cool, and I like that Amy and Rory could get away from the Doctor for a bit.

K: I liked Abigail, although she’s a bit too goody-two-shoes. I liked that – as is traditional with a Christmas episode – Amy and Rory were barely in it. I thought they put Michael Gambon to good use. But the whole abusive father subplot wasn’t adequately dealt with, except in a “oh my God, I became my abusive father and that realisation instantly made me a good person” way. Which, no thank you please.

As far as Christmas specials go, this is probably one of the better ones. But at the same time, it sort of…trails off…at the end and there’s not as much resolution as I would have liked.

 

 

Next time on Doctor Who: Season 6 starts with an astronaut and a death in S06 E01 – The Impossible Astronaut.