Previously: Pretty Little Liars try to do normal shit like prepare for college, but everything is ridiculous because Rosewood
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Out, Damned Spot
Sweeney: We open at Rosewood High, and there’s a blood drive being run by Mama Marin. The girls all volunteer to give blood to help her, because in addition to all of the evidence they have misplaced over the years, they decided it was time to begin misplacing their own goddamned blood. I’m sure this will end well for them. Emily, at least, can’t give blood because of the summer she spent in Haiti. Good Samaritans don’t get framed.
Marines: I mean, like, donate blood if you can. Do not donate blood if you have a series of stalkers invested in framing you for murder(s). Official Snark Lady Advice.
Samantha: You can learn so much from our adventures in Traumaland.
Sweeney: Some bitchy old lady is faux-friendly with Mama Marin, and I don’t remember if we’re supposed to know this lady. Guys, I’ve now seen this entire show, so I thought jumping in at random would be easy, but JOKE’S ON ME. Anyway, bitchy lady gives Mama Marin some flyers for a beauty pageant and asks her to talk to Pastor Ted about putting them up around the church.
Elsewhere, Mike, who the previouslies reminded us has been SUPER SKETCH lately, is being conspicuous and disruptive around all the blood our Liars have just donated. (M: Wow. What a surprise.) The girls notice and the zoomy cameraman does too.
Samantha: I will admit to it being visually fun when the Liars do things in unison.
Sweeney: SAME. It’s the little things on this show.
SHHHHH!
The Liars convince Aria to talk to ask Mike why he was at the blood drive. She initially refuses by hearkening back to how he recently got rather menacing with her about questions and then she 180s by insisting that he’s totally innocent and everyone should stop pointing out the very obvious fact that he’s being shady and has some connection to Ali that he won’t acknowledge. OK, girl.
Mari: Your Dad Boyfriend was investigating you for years, which everyone has seemed to forget, so maybe you aren’t the one to insist on anyone’s innocence based on your observations and because you say so, Aria.
Sweeney: In class, Aria’s taking a test and stressing, but a nearby student conveniently holds his paper up so she can see and she copies all the answers, another thing that I’m totally sure won’t have bad consequences later!
Samantha: Nope. Definitely no one saw that and casually cheating is all good.
Sweeney: Hanna finds Spencer in the halls to talk colleges, even though it is a touchy subject for Spencer because Serena Van der Woodsen Hanna got into a million schools without trying, while good student Blair Spencer didn’t get into any of the schools she wanted. Gossip Girl is definitely not relevant enough for me to still be holding this grudge, but I AM. (I shouldn’t admit it because it makes it worse but this is a Gossip Girl books grudge, so even older and pettier.) (M: Thank you for being honest in the name of Snark. Also: lol.)
Samantha: My super crush on Blake Lively and love for Gossip Girl thanks you for the tangent that lets me insert a vaguely relevant gif.
Sweeney: A good gif choice.
Anyway, Hanna has financial aid related questions, because while she got into a lot of schools, none of them are offering any assistance and she can’t afford $40,000 a year in tuition. Speaking as someone prepared to spend the rest of her days repaying her astronomical student loan debt: this is the correct mentality, Hanna. Apparently Hanna printed out her FAFSA or some shit, because she hands Spencer a piece of paper and Spencer concludes that the issue is that while her mom has no money, her absentee trash father does.
The guy who Aria cheated off of corners her in the hall to be like, “yo I saw you.” He (Andrew) was the guy on Spencer’s academic decathalon team who she did a naked quiz off with. I don’t know if that matters because what even is continuity, but I’m putting that out there so we’re all up to speed. Andrew tries to act cool about it and say he just wants to tutor her, but he’s kind of weird when she turns down the offer so she accepts the offer and agrees to get tutored.
Mari: This feels like blackmail tutoring and idk if you are going to blackmail someone, maybe get something better out of it than having to tutor them?
Samantha: Is he gonna have a crush on her or something? Maybe he’s blackmailing to get the love connection going?
Sweeney: WHO KNOWS!
Emily and Talia ride bikes to a cute little makeout spot by the river. I 100% had to look Talia’s name up because I forgot her entirely, but she’s the chef lady! And nothing matters! Anyway, Talia tells Emily the story of her disappointing first kiss. In exchange for this story she asks for Emily’s biggest fear, which is a giant fucking leap Talia.
Mari:
Emily: 😘
Talia: 😈 💀🔥💔🔪🔫
Smooth.
Sweeney: Marin Manor. Mama Marin tells Hanna that she talked to Pastor Ted and accepted his marriage proposal but alsoooo confessed to sleeping with Jason, and he was like, “well shit, I’m gonna need a minute,” which…fair.
Spencer is on the phone with Aria and mentions how eager Aria was to accuse Melissa of being A, and Aria gets defensive because they were wrong about that (ok but Melissa was a shady bitch and you were only “wrong” on a technicality here) but agrees to keep an eye on Mike so long as Spencer promises not to jump to conclusions. Spencer agrees but jumping to conclusions is Spencer’s favorite activity so probably not gonna hold, Aria.
Samantha: She jumps to conclusions so far in advance I’m surprised she wasn’t also turning Mike in to Toby while having this conversation.
Sweeney: After they hang up, Jonny (the Hastings boarder) enters the kitchen. This is the third name I have had to look up. Is it the show or is it me? I can’t tell. Anyway, they banter a bit about Toby and college and art. Jonny begs Spencer to come help him paint a mural at Hollis in exchange for good dinner.
Montgomery Manse. Aria intercepts a call from an inmate at the women’s prison named Hank Mahoney. She accepts the charges and starts shouting Ali’s name into the phone but the line immediately goes dead. (M: Even smoother.)
Hollis. Spencer is mostly there to hold a ladder so Jonny can paint his mural and also flirting with her helps him paint. They talk about how she gave up on all artistic inclination because in her family of perfectionists you move on from stuff that you’re not good at. Jonny asks her if she’s never done something because you love it and Spencer says “How can you love something if you’re bad at it?” I forgot how much I love Spencer Hastings. A lot. The amount is a lot. (S: Preach.)
Montgomery Manse. Mike is working out to loud music and Aria bangs on his door because the prison phone call was actually on Mike’s phone, and she wants to know why the fuck he’s getting phone calls from Ali. She asks who Hank Mahoney is and why Mike is letting himself be manipulated by Ali. Aria says that she knows that Mike got in a fight with Mona that night before she died and also that something is going on and he needs to tell her what it is. He says he does not and slams the door in her face.
Marin Manor. Hanna’s on the phone with Caleb when she is interrupted by Mama Marin because she got a phone call from her shitbag father. Hanna explains to her mom that she was going to try to talk to her dad about the college money situation. Mama Marin explains that her dad’s financial obligation was settled years ago in the divorce (HOW MANY YEARS? WHAT IS TIME ON THIS SHOW ANYWAY?) and that he’s not gonna help because he sucks, but that she’ll try to figure something out.
Samantha: This happened to Rory on Gilmore Girls as well in some fashion. Lorelei came into money and then Rory couldn’t get financial aid. But then also she stayed in the swankiest dorm on campus so idk. This is either a lazy storytelling technique or representative of our broken college system.
Sweeney: Both!
Coffee shop. Emily and Pedzra are chatting about life and Emily offhandedly mentions Aria’s college acceptance and then it’s awkward. Pedzra counters that awkward by telling Emily (after she asks about the last time on an employee file that’s just lying around???) that Talia’s married. (S: Because she’s a grown up adult who can be married.) (S: Because I wrote this before going back to watch the previous episode, I 100% forgot that detail before reaching this point in the episode so BIG YIKES, SHOW.)
Hollis. Spencer admires Jonny’s rooftop painting. He tosses her a can of spaypaint and insists that they can’t leave until she paints something. She stumbles into his arms while getting down and they have ~a moment~
Montgomery Manse. Mike goes to the minifridge he has in his room and retrieves an energy drink can that’s actually concealing a container with a vial of blood which is totally normal and not all suspicious af, and definitely something there’s a logical explanation for.
Mari: Totally legal, too, I’m sure!
Sweeney: Hastings House. Spencer storms outside to yell at Jonny with a newspaper because apparently they weren’t painting a mural commissioned by Holis, they were vandalizing a mural, only Spencer didn’t know that, which is a high key dick move, Jonny. (M: How old is Jonny? Just wondering.) (S: Definitely an adult.) He insists that it would somehow be good for her to stop stressing about college and “color outside the lines for once.” To which Spencer answers, “For once? I WAS ARRESTED. FOR MURDER.” And while those charges were dropped she definitely cannot get arrested again, so this self-anointed cool guy can fuck right off.
Samantha: I deeply dislike Jonny and his bullshit “smarmy guy in your Lit class” vibe.
Sweeney: Montgomery Manse. Andrew is over to do some tutoring and almost immediately brings up Ezra, making it awkward. They try to focus but then Aria immediately gets texts from Hanna about Mike. Andrew uses her phone as a reference point for math lessons.
Coffee shop kitchen. Emily is helping Talia but snaps at her and confronts her about the fact that she’s married. Before Talia can respond, Ezra walks in and Emily storms out.
Shitbag Marin’s Office. Hanna shows up, presumably unannounced.
In town, Mike gets a bunch of cash out of an ATM and Emily happens to see it. Helpfully, he walks away without taking his receipt, leaving it there for Emily to collect. He took out $400 and has a a remaining balance of over $18k. Just chilling in his teenager bank account. Cool. Cool cool cool.
Mari: Definitely feel better about my balance of *looks at bank account* never mind.
Sweeney: Montgomery Manse. Andrew and Aria are talking about how healthy and normal Andrew’s life is when they are interrupted by Emily pounding on the door so she could talk to her about Mike. Aria excuses herself to chat about all this on the porch. Emily shows Aria the ATM receipt, and Aria confesses about the prison phone call. They wonder if the account is one of Ali’s secret accounts or if the inmate name is a code of some sort.
While they’re speculating, Mike leaves with the car. They resolve to follow them but Emily rode her bike there. They decide to ask Andrew to borrow his car, and he just asks if either of them drive stick, like wtf dude DO NOT LEND THESE GIRLS YOUR CAR. Also @Liars DO NOT INVOLVE THIS RANDO WHO JUST RECENTLY IMPOSED HIMSELF UPON YOU. JFC.
Samantha:
Sweeney: Shitbag’s Office. Hanna has just spelled out all of her college acceptances and her trash father says he already agreed with her mother that he would only give her 10k/year and he can’t do anymore because he’s already agreed to put his stepdaughter through Dartmouth. Yikes. (S: WOOOOOOOW.)
Hastings House. Spencer’s emailing potential contacts about college stuff and emails her sister Melissa to ask if Wren (pervy British doctor who hooked up with his girlfriend’s teenage sister! I remembered that one!) still has contacts at Oxford. (What I don’t remember is what changed to make this situation not deeply awkward!) While she’s brooding, she gets a text from the other liars about their hunt for Mike.
In Andrew’s car, he asks them reasonable questions like “do you often follow your brother?” and “what is going on with Mike?” and Emily lies that it’s drugs, which Aria is annoyed by even though she really has no right to be annoyed. He takes them to a place called Jonah’s Diner and they insist that he can go because Spencer is on her way and will drive them home.
Inside the diner, Aria and Emily see Mike meeting up with Cyrus, the guy who falsely confessed to kidnapping Ali. (THIS SHOW.) We see Mike toss an envelope on the table, which we are meant to assume is full of the cash and/or the vials of blood.
Coffee shop. Hanna is looking for Emily, clearly upset. She left her phone at her dad’s office and can’t call anyone and also definitely cannot go back there. Pedzra tries to get her to open up and Hanna confesses the whole story of how her dad is a piece of shit and cares more about his stepdaughter than he does about her. She admits that even more than the money, she just wanted her dad to be proud of her and believe in her. He explains that his parents sucked too but he wound up paying his way through college. He reminds us that HE USED TO BE HER TEACHER and he “always knew [she] had it in [her].” I hate him. (M: Aggressively.) (S: Sometimes violently.)
Jonah’s Diner. Spencer arrives, and Emily and Aria fill Spencer in on what they know. Aria wants to storm back into the diner to try to protect her brother, but Spencer stops her and tells her that they’ll follow Cyrus as soon as he leaves. Aria gets a call from Ezra that she ignores.
Coffee shop. Ezra asks if Hanna wants to try calling anyone else – he has Emily’s number! He has all the phone numbers of teenagers who used to be his students, and are friends of his teenage girlfriend. Hanna declines and decides to head home. On her way out, she spots a poster for the beauty pageant whose prize is scholarship money.
Samantha: Wow. The “contest with prize money” trope. Nice.
Sweeney: Jonah’s Diner. Aria tells the other girls about her fight with Ezra and how he wants her to go off to college not dating him (YES. DUH.) and adds that he blames himself for her not having a perfect high school experience, which is maybe some kind of half joke about the fact that their high school experience was an unrelenting nightmare but HE LITERALLY PARTICIPATED IN CREATING THAT UNRELENTING NIGHTMARE. YES ARIA, HE IS FUCKING RESPONSIBLE. (S: I hate.)
Anyway, this girl chat is interrupted by a text from A thanking the girls for donating to the Get Out of Jail Fund along with pictures of three vials of blood with their names on them. The girls realize that the envelope didn’t have cash but blood. They look up and realize that they missed Cyrus leaving.
Mari: I’m surprised that I’m still surprised how freaking bad they are at all of this.
Samantha: I just……come on. I blame Pedza cause that’s who they were talking about while distracted.
Sweeney: I am always down to blame him.
They look around and then Cyrus chases them down on his motorcycle, asking if they’re there to spy on Mike her or him. They say he has something that belongs to them and they want it back. He asks if they want to work out a trade, but this is cutoff by a male voice telling Cyrus to back away now and we see that the guy has a bat. Cyrus drives off, and we pan up to see that it’s Andrew to the rescue.
Marin Manor. Hanna is sad, and Mama Marin knows that her moldy food encrusted trash bag ex-husband is responsible. She notices the pageant form and says that while she knows Hanna’s dad sucks, she hopes Hanna isn’t looking for validation from a pageant. Hanna says she’s not – she’s after the $20,000 scholarship. Hanna changes the subject and asks about Pastor Ted. Mama Marin says that Pastor Ted hasn’t called and probably won’t. Hanna says that her mom should fight a little harder for that relationship. Her mom walks out and then she gets a text and sees that she missed a lot in Liar Land.
Fields Flat. Emily is getting home and she gets a text from Talia asking if they can talk but before she can even answer she turns around to see Talia getting out of her car in front of Emily’s house. (M: Talia, no.) (S: The adults. Are so. Problematic.)
Hastings House. In the kitchen, Spencer apologizes to Jonny for eating all of his food but also admits that she had fun last night. SPENCER YOU DON’T OWE HIM ANYTHING, FUCK THAT GUY. Anyway, she notes that college is important because it’s her best chance at getting out of Rosewood which YES. LEGIT. They flirt briefly and then Jonny leaves. (S: Genuinely don’t remember if her and police officer Toby broke up or not.) (S: I don’t think so, at this point?)
Fields Flat. Talia and Emily are sitting on the porch and Talia is explaining that she and her husband married very young and while they still love each other, it’s no longer a romantic love. At this point, he knows about Talia’s interest in women but also they stay together because he’s her best friend. She knows it’s complicated and that sucks, but mostly she’s sorry and just wanted to tell Emily that in person. Emily admits that there are things she’s not ready to share with Talia either – things that would scare her away – and puts her hand on Talia’s. (S: Remember age appropriate Paige who GTFO?)
Marin Manor. Aria and Spencer are spending the night because they are all rightly terrified about their blood being stolen.
Spencer goes downstairs to grab them another blanket and she doesn’t see it, but we, the audience, see that Mike is lurking outside the house like a fucking creep.
A-tag: A puts Hanna’s blood all over some fabric while watching an incriminating video of Hanna and Caleb at Marin Manor.