Wynonna Earp S01 E07 – Satanist Party Poopers

Previously: Waverly inherited some bones.
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Walkin’ After Midnight

Marines: I think we start up with a close-up of salt, but I am unclear.

Doc is sleeping in the woods when he’s ambushed by a Revenant. Things don’t look good for him, but Wynonna arrives and promptly kills the Rev with Peacemaker. She asks why Doc is out here, living in the woods, screaming in his sleep and being ambushed by Revs. She’s here on official business and killing that Rev (or re-killing. He’s the Rev she blew up with a motorcycle) was a bonus. Wy needs help identify the last of the Seven. Doc says that he almost got his throat slit just now because he’s been helping her out for next to nothing. Wynonna doesn’t point out that she just saved his ass, so good on her, I guess. Anyway, Doc says that unless they make this a more equal partnership, his official answer is go to hell.

Blacksmith Barn. The Blacksmith fell asleep while sitting in her rocking chair, cradling a rifle and sitting in a salt ring. (K: As you do when you anticipate some weird visitors. The number of times I found myself in a salt circle…jk.) She startles awake and calls out that she knows someone is here. Constance comes out of the shadows with two henchmen, fake coughing, saying she’s chocking on the Blacksmith’s fear. The Blacksmith (Mattie) says that she doesn’t have what Constance wants, but Constance knows she knows where he is. She touched him. Constance promises to give Mattie youth or to cure her breast cancer. Mattie instead makes a motion with her hands, something that causes Constance’s eye to go bloodshot. Constance is done playing games, whips out a knife, and puts on her demonic voice to demand to know where her son is. She causes both of Mattie’s eyes to go bloodshot. I am going to be UPSET if they kill this minor side character I have inexplicably taken a liking to. (K: That would be SO RUDE because Mattie is awesome.)

I TOLD THAT DEVIL TO TAKE YOU BACK.

After the credits, Wynonna is telling Waverly about what happened in the cold open. Waverly asks if Wy’s still planning to work all weekend with Dolls. Wy is suspicious. Why is she asking? Waverly plays it off as just wanting to keep up with what’s happening. Wy asks if they should ask Dolls to run some tests on the skull she inherited/married. Waverly doesn’t want to hand it over to Black Badge. She might never see it again. Wy jokes about her trust issues and says goodbye, making sure that Wav will be okay alone. She’ll be fine. “I’m a happily single Virgo with hair for days.” Wow, Waverly. Same. (K: Casually bringing up your sign is def queer culture. Also, Waverly’s hair is amazing and I’m glad homegirl knows it.)

Sheriff’s Doll’s Office. Wy is now catching Dolls up on what happened in the cold open, saying Doc was being more drunk and ornery than usual. Dolls just makes disapproving noises, so Wy tells him that Doc is the kind of bad that is good to keep around. Dolls doesn’t think so. You don’t become immortal by making deals with the good guys.

Dolls is studying the picture of the Seven and notices that the last one is carrying a real fancy cane. Wy looks at it and notices that the cane or a ring or something has the symbol of a spade. Dolls tells her that’s good work. I’m not entirely sure why they just noticed this right now even though they’ve looked at this thing a millionty times. But sure. It happens. (K: Our old friend, contrivance, how I missed thee.) Dolls offers to go get Chinese takeout, having already memorized Wy’s order, and says they should make this long night fun. Wynonna is like okay Dolls and fun, seems fake.

Blacksmith Barn. Constance has apparently been torturing Mattie for hours, but she hasn’t left her salt ring. Constance has one more trick, though– magical thirst and baiting her with water. It works and Mattie crawls out of the salt ring for a drink. Constance asks who has the skull. Mattie says it’s with the girl who is going to finally end her. Constance burns her with a magic knife.

Homestead. Waverly is dancing around and decorating for a party.

   Doc barges in just as Waverly picks up her skull husband/inheritance. She’s doing a very bad job at not telling anyone but the Blacksmith. Doc tells her to be careful with the skull, noticing that it has two rows of teeth, and telling her that Bobo is collecting bones as they speak. Waverly just puts it back on the mantle, which again, seems like a bad way to do this protecting the skull things.

Katrina: This gives me Pretty Little Liars flashbacks of when the girls kept losing evidence basically whenever they managed to get their little lying fingers on it.

Mari: Exactly like that. That’s what this feels like.

Doc admits that he was a dick to Wynonna earlier– that whole drunk and ornery thing. Waverly is more interested in shooing him away because she’s hosting an engagement party that has the added bonus of proving to her friends that she’s not a freak. Doc tells her that mingling with civilians never works when you are a gunslinger. Waverly invites Doc to stay on their land, help keep them safe, chop some wood, stuff like that. Doc thinks this generous invitation should also come from Wynonna. Waverly says her sister may not be able to figure Doc out, but she doesn’t want him dead. Doc says he’ll sleep in the barn tonight and see how it goes. He also advises Waverly to hide her damn skull.

Wynonna is Googling spades. She gets a call from Dolls. We cut outside to see that he’s just outside the Sheriff’s station. He tells her that there is a change of plans. She’s going to have to find the last of the Seven and break the curse on her own. She might also have to access his files quickly, if he asks her to. Wy thinks this is all super weird and cryptic, but she doesn’t get anymore information from him. Outside again, we see that Dolls is being taken away by two dudes in suits. They even confiscate his gun.

Homestead. Waverly opens the door happily, but there are only two friends there. The other two bailed because they didn’t want to come to murder house. Waverly spots a ticket left on a throw pillow and clips it off, insisting that they are just trying to move on and see all of this is cute, right? She stuffs the scissors in the band of her skirt. The girls cheers to moving on. Waverly adds a cheers to Steph getting engaged again. And Steph passive aggressively cheerses to bargain bin decorating.

Wynonna is still at the office and sees that Nicole is, too. They commiserate over still being at work and tough bosses. Nicole says it makes her feel better that she wasn’t the only one not invited to the party. Wy is like skkkkrrrt, what party?

Katrina: I really enjoy Wynonna and Nicole bonding time. 

Mari: Not That Great of a Party. Waverly fusses over Steph’s engagement ring and asks when they are going bridesmaid dress shopping. Steph says they already did. The other friend tries to be nice about it, saying that Wav has been so busy with Wynonna. Steph says she’s also been busy ignoring her boyfriend. Wav tells them that they are broken up for good, but Steph doesn’t think that’s a good idea. Champ was indulgent and it’s not like there are a ton of dudes in this town lining up to date an Earp.

Almost on cue, Doc arrives. Steph thinks he’s a stripper and it doesn’t help that he announces that he’s got wood.

Wy and Nicole are drinking and scoffing over who they assume did get invited to this party. Steph once told Wy she should consider getting a butt lift. Nicole tells her her butt is top shelf. That’s a good friend. Wy thinks Waverly should be hanging out with Nicole. Nicole agrees. With a lot of feelings. (K: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!)

Talk turns to actual work as Wynonna spots a picture of a woman Nicole calls victim number three. She pulls out more evidence photos and says that cause of death appears to be multiple lacerations, but the autopsy is practically nonsense. Wynonna looks over the photo and her nose starts bleeding. She asks to see the body.

Homestead. The girls are now playing cards with Doc, though Steph wants to turn it into strip poker. She calls this the lamest engagement party ever, though Doc shoots back that a host is only as good as her company. They are all distracted by some noises outside. Doc heads out to investigate, and Waverly can’t help but follow behind him.

In the barn, Mattie comes stumbling out of the shadows (that happens a fair bit on this show), bloody and, according to her, dead already. She warns Doc about Constance. If she gets the skull, she’ll be able to free the Revenants from the Ghost River Triangle. Doc wants to stay and fight Constance, but Mattie says she can only be killed one way. And she’ll only tell if he promises to get Waverly out of here and save his vendetta for another night. He promises. Mattie tells him to collect something of Constance’s flesh and join it with a crafty bracelet she’s wearing (something like that). He needs to be patient when hunting her, though, because she’s only vulnerable in the time after the witching hour. Mattie doesn’t say any more because she breaks my heart and dies. RIP.

Karina: Despite having seen this season multiple times, I wasn’t entirely sure about her dying. I’m pretty sure my brain just erased this information. 

Mari: Good job, brain.

Doc heads Waverly off before she gets to the barn and tells her the sounds were just the wind.

Nicole takes Wynonna to the morgue to see the body. Nicole notes that the victim kind of looks like Wynonna. They are both startled when the morgue attendant sneaks up on them. He’s got handy information though: this woman died because someone took out her organs while she was still alive. The wounds were cauterized, too, meaning that someone cut her open with something hot. “Light saber hot,” the doctor offers. “Hellfire hot,” Wynonna adds.

Karina: Morgue Attendant Dude is a bit sketchy but maybe that’s just me.

Mari: Segue Magic to Doc lighting a cigarette. He’s replaying Mattie’s last words.

In the morgue, Wynonna spots a welt on the victim’s neck. It’s in the shape of a spade. They all hear footsteps and then a light indicates that someone has walked into the cooler. They all go investigate, but they don’t find anyone there. When they get back, someone has opened the victim’s eyes and stuffed an ace of spades in her mouth. Wynonna’s nose starts bleeding again. This was all very tense and I’m writing this recap on a plane, so I wonder if I’m making everyone around me as uncomfortable as I feel. PROBABLY.

Doc is in the barn, apologizing to Mattie’s dead body because he’s totally going to break his promise. He thinks the best way to protect the Earps is to kill Constance. Inside, things get awkward again when Steph wants to go upstairs. Waverly tells her they don’t go up there. It’s, uh, storage.

The doorbell rings and it’s a delivery man. The girls think it’s a stripper again, and this guy doesn’t make it better when he announces that he’s got a package. A weird look passes between Waverly and Delivery Guy and she whispers, “show us your moves.” And he starts stripping, but really badly. Steph stage whispers that he must be local. Waverly notices that the guy is checking out all her weapons: a gun on the mantle, an axe by the door. The clock chimes.

Doc sees that Constance is already here. He fires off two shots, but he’s too slow. Constance telekinesises her henchmen right in front of the bullets and disappears. Not a Delivery Guy, Not a Stripper hears the gunshots and goes into full henchman role: he grabs Waverly by the throat and lifts her, asking where the skull is. Steph is yelling, “THIS IS NOT SEXY” and it’s the best she’s been all night. Doc comes in and points his gun at Not a Delivery Guy, Not a Stripper, distracting him for long enough that Wav can grab the scissors she still has in the band of her skirt, and stab him right in the head. Steph yells. Chrissy is missing.

Dolls is reporting what he’s found these last three months to his boss, who is not impressed. Dolls tries to plead his case, but his boss isn’t having it. She’s deploying him to a new assignment.

Nicole thinks someone is trying to mess with Wynonna with this whole playing card in a dead woman’s mouth thing. Wy says she just picked up this case an hour ago, so that seems weird. Nicole agrees, but then again, all the weird cases seem to go to her anyway. Wy gets aggressive, pushing Nicole on what’s been happening. Nicole says that Wynonna, of all people, should know better than to try to make someone question their own sanity.

Homestead. Constance is still out there. She magically cuts a triangle into the ground and starts saying a damn White Walker spell because she makes Mattie, Not a Delivery Guy, Not a Stripper, and the other henchman into wights.

Inside, Doc explains that Constance made him immortal and then left him in the bottom of a well to spend his immortality. When Wy came to retrieve Peacemaker, she left a rope dangling for him. Steph is in the background like “wuuuuuuh,” so Waverly explodes that YES, she is a freak and YES this is a murder house, but also, she’s a freak who knows how to kill a man with scissors and that they need to lay salt lines and that Steph’s engagement ring is ugly and fake.

Not a Delivery Guy, Not a Stripper ambles toward them and they all freak out. Doc tells Waverly to open the door and he shoots him out of the house. Waverly realizes that Constance is here for the skull, but she doesn’t want to tell Doc where it is. Steph is 100% over these “satanist party poopers,” and storms out of the house. She is promptly killed and turned into a wight.

Wynonna calls Dolls and leaves him a message, explaining about the last Seven and the nosebleeds and how much she could use his help. Boss Lady listens to the message. Next, Waverly calls Wy and leads with “I killed a stripper.” (K: Classic.)

At the Homestead, Waverly and Doc are trying to block all the windows and doors. Doc sends Waverly upstairs to get some coyote traps. Waverly heads to Willa’s old room, which is basically exactly as it was left. Waverly opens the closet and finds Chrissy in there. She apologizes, but says that her father (the Sheriff) always taught her to put as many floors between you and the intruder as you can. Waverly asks Chrissy to trust her, and Chrissy says she does. Waverly once came to her rescue when she was being bullied. Waverly never was one to back down from a a fight. Willa would’ve been proud. Wynonna is. This is a great pep talk and it inspires Waverly to treat Constance as just another bully. Also, she’s retrieved the skull from its hiding place in a vent.

Chrissy goes downstairs and tells Doc that Waverly went out the window with her skull.

Outside, the wights don’t attack Waverly. She explains that Mattie bound the skull to her. Constance says that’s clever, but it won’t protect her friends. She sends her wights back toward the house. Waverly says she only wants to know why Constance trapped Doc. Why does she hate him? Constance says it’s because he was loved by Wyatt Earp and Wyatt Earp slaughtered her sons. Waverly points out that if Wyatt had killed them, they would’ve come back as Revenants. Constance says that only works for humans. Her sons are… something else. There is a bigger evil out there than Revenants, and Constance says it’s coming. Waverly (basically) tells her to read a book because the heroes always win. Constance threatens her some more, so Waverly throws the skull against the barn, shattering it. Constance telekinesises Waverly into the barn in the same way, but Wynonna arrives. And then Doc is there, too, and he shoots her in the arm. Constance takes off.

Wynonna wants to know wtf is going on, but Doc mostly just tells her to go see to her sister. Wynonna helps her up and asks how she’s doing. “I’ll never play piano again,” she sads, while holding her wrist. “Do you play piano?” Wynonna asks. “No.” 

   Karina: I love them being sisters and looking out for each other.

Mari: Back inside, Doc comes with his tail between his legs to ~explain~ how much he wants to kill Constance. Waverly is understandably over his shit, even though she says she doesn’t hate him. Wav thinks Doc should also talk to Wynonna, since he loves her, but he says that’s saying too much. Waverly emotionally says that his tell is easy– he’s always lying.

The next morning, Nicole is at the homestead, trying to figure out wtf happened. Wynonna says they can go get breakfast and then honestly talk about what’s been going on. They hop into Nicole’s cop car and leave.

K: Oh god is this what I think it is? (I know you can’t answer me but I have a bad feeling.) Also, the way Wav and Nicole smile at each other? I’m absolute shipper trash.

Mari: Dolls is still wherever he is, and unfortunately for him, the samples he provided to his boss don’t prove demonic activity at all. Couldn’t these guys just spend like 5 hot minutes in Purgatory and then be like “wow, yep, demons.” Boss Lady says again that she’s shutting the division down, but Dolls says he’s got something else. Not a demon or a revenant. Something never before documented.

And finally, back at the homestead, Doc sees that Constance bled some on the snow. He scoops up the bloody snow and puts it in a tin. He also finds that he has an injury in the exact spot where he shot Constance. Ruh-ruh! Also, Constance dropped her magic knife.

Doc looks up when he hears some old-timey music. He goes out to the road and Nicole’s cop car rolls by slowly. Both doors are open, there is a bloody hand print on the driver’s side and the car is empty. Doc yells for Wynonna.

 

Next time on Wynonna Earp: Wynonna is kidnapped in S01 E08 – Two-Faced Jack.