Previously: The girls decided donating blood would be a good idea.
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Marines: I’m not sure I remember how to recap Pretty Little Liars anymore, but I’m sure all the evidence losing and Toby editing will come back to me in a flash.
Sweeney: Plus: nothing ever truly matters on this show.
Mari: Never mind! I remember how to recap this show again.
The Liars are searching Mike’s room. Aria finds jock itch cream, and Hanna wonders why Mike suddenly has all this very nice gym equipment. Aria is kind of feeling bad about searching her brother’s room and insists that they don’t know that Mike was the one who stole their blood. We know he was though, and we also know that Spencer gets super close to finding the fake can Mike is hiding the blood in. She’s distracted by Aria, who finds a necklace in Mike’s gym bag. They cannot believe Mike would buy a necklace. Spencer recognizes it from ads as a necklace that uses beads in morse code to spell out a message. This one spells “I’m with you.” The Liars think this clearly means that Mike is with Alison and is probably a murderer.
Samantha: I took it to mean that a writer on the show is sending a secret message to us, that they too know this is all mostly nonsense.
Mari: From the writer sending us secret messages and the credits: SHHHHHH.
Rosewood’s One Coffee Shop. Emily gets in for her shift and finds Talia talking to Mama Fields on the phone. Emily is kind of like ??? but Talia says it’s no big deal. She does’t think Mama Fields knows about them, and they are taking things slow. After Talia leaves, Mike enters. Emily tells him the coffee shop isn’t open yet, but he just orders anyway, like a murderer. He orders two coffees “just for him.” Does the One Coffee Shop not have “large?” I guess we’ll never know. Emily is freaked out by Mike’s suspicious order and texts Spencer.
Spencer is sitting at a table with the pedo/vandalism guy. I hope the show helps me out with his name, but if not Pedo/Vandalism Guy works for me. P/VG tells some story about sleeping pills and a overseas flight and no one cares. (S: Sincerely, no one.) Story time is interrupted when Spencer spots Toby. Apparently, he’s here at Hollis picking up class schedules for Jenna. Spencer and Toby make awkward small talk. Spencer starts to invite him to something that night, but he isn’t free. He’ll call her, though. As Toby leaves, JONNY (thanks, show!) says, “chi ama crede,” which the Google tells me is an Italian phrase meaning “he who loves, trusts.” Is the guy who tricked Spencer into vandalizing a college campus spouting random Italian proverbs about trust?
Samantha: No one asked for your relationship advice, JONNY. You barely even go here.
Mari: Wolfy-partment. Caleb is assembling an Ikea table as Hanna catches him up on Mike’s new Toby Edit. Hanna is also super distracted because she’s doing this pageant thing. Caleb thinks there must be a better way to bankroll college and points out that when you have a forever stalker, maybe public events and competitions aren’t the best. Hanna just yells at him because she’s already decided to do the thing.
Sweeney: In Hanna’s defense, in a world where literally anything made sense, being in public would make a lot of sense as a measure of protection.
Mari: lol @ sense
Spencer and Jonny are walking and talking about Toby, but then Jonny spots a bit of their vandalism mural in a shop window.
Montgomery Manse. Aria is studying with Andrew, but is super distracted. Things only get worse when Mike comes in with his two coffees. Andrew suggests taking a break if her head is not in the game. Aria asks him if he’ll follow her brother to the gym and see who he is meeting with. Andrew is weirdly just game for this light stalking. Mike comes back out of his room because he knows Aria has been in there. The girls weren’t exactly stealth when they were rummaging. Aria tries to play dumb, and then says she was doing laundry, but Mike gets all roid-ragey and says that if she ever goes in there again, she will live to regret it. He flips an innocent table to illustrate his point. (S: Wow, I’m suddenly in an After recap.)
Spencer and Jonny go into the art gallery to say that vandalism is theirs. The shop owner says that someone from Hollis saved them from being hauled away in a garbage truck, so technically the art is his.
Hanna meets with her pageant coach. Coach asks Hanna a couple of interview questions about endangered species and foreign policy, and Hanna has no answers. Coach says that “pretty isn’t the point” of pageants anymore. Hey! Look who is a winner!
Coach asks Hanna what her talent is, but Hanna doesn’t have an answer for that. Not immediately, at least. As Coach speeches on, Hanna blurts that her talent is dance.
Samantha: Hanna, was your plan to stand on the stage and not talk?
Mari: At One Coffee, Emily gets a text from Hanna telling her to cancel all her plans for the weekend. They are dancing. A skinny white dude walks in looking for Talia, who is already gone for the day. He introduces himself as Talia’s husband. Emily gets #awkward, but he says it’s all cool. He knows about Emily and Talia and is okay with it because he thinks Talia just needs to experiment a little. He loves Talia and expects to love her for longer than anybody else. Emily looks uncomfortable.
Sweeney: Because BIG YIKES that relationship is a genuine mess. Walk away, Em.
Mari: Woods. Mike hides a package in a tree. Andrew is watching him do it. Does anyone go to school? Is it summer?
Marin Manor. Mama Marin lets Emily in to wait for Hanna. They small talk about dance and pageants and tuition money and then Emily decides to ask Mama Marin a non-hypothetical hypothetical. Would she date someone if she knew the relationship were doomed? Not great mother Ashley Marin gives some sage advice: people get hurt in relationships all the time, but no one should jump into one with that intention.
Andrew and Aria get cupcakes as he reports on Mike’s suspect activities. He didn’t see what Mike hid in the woods behind Mona’s house, because he heard murder-like noises before he could find out, but he offers to go back and check. Aria says it’s okay. She can go back herself. Andrew thinks she shouldn’t do that. And she shouldn’t be alone in the house with Mike. He tells her that he’s there for her, and she gives him a small smile. She saves big smiles for men who could go to jail for dating her. (S: Vom.)
Hastings House. Jonny comes barreling in looking for a toolbox because he wants to steal back his own work. These two are really worked up about his work being exploited and seem real keen to break more laws in the name of art.
Samantha: JFC, why is this the Spencer storyline?
Sweeney: Spencer deserves so much better than, well, every choice this show makes with her.
Marines: Schooool…? On a weekend. Or during summer. Or in this magical land where school is whatever you want it to be. Emily and Hanna are practicing a dance routine. Caleb brings them lunch, but he also notices that someone else has signed up for the pageant: Hanna’s new stepsister. Hanna yells that Kate has already taken her dad and her tuition money. She will not also take her freedom pageant.
Jonny and Spencer break into the gallery, with Spencer doing all the breaking (lock picking) and Jonny doing all the entering.
Aria decides to go in the woods behind Mona’s house in the middle of the night, alone.
It’s like a parade of stupid decisions.
Samantha:
Mari: Emily and Hanna are still practicing. Caleb steps outside to take a call. It’s Mama Marin checking up to see how Hanna is doing. Caleb says fine, but her performance is not the problem. It’s her new competition.
Spencer finishes loading up their getaway van as Jonny grabs the last paining. And this is the one that sets off the burglar alarm? Because of reasons? Jonny runs out, stashes the last painting, and Spencer drives away.
Hanna dances on.
Spencer and Jonny stop at a gas station. Spencer looks really happy with her theft– up until Toby rolls up in his police car. Jonny fesses up to the theft right away while Spencer insists that he didn’t do anything wrong. He was just taking back what was his! It just happened to be behind a locked door! Spencer thinks Toby is just getting back at her, but he’s like this is literally my job. He also tells her that she’s still on Tanner’s radar. Tanner wants to take advantage of Toby and Spencer’s relationship. She shouldn’t be out here committing more crime and giving the cops ammunition. He tells Spencer to walk away. She does. Sadly.
Aria keeps searching in the woods.
Emily and Hanna dance for Coach, but also Hanna starts… aggressively dancing? She takes all her anger and daddy issues into the ABC Family version of twerking. It is… something.
Coach thinks so, too. She basically tells her she’s too angry and not a good pageant fit. She quits as her coach. Hanna storms out and hears a bit of the conversation Emily has with Coach. Emily calls her out on being mean, but Coach doesn’t care. She says Emily has what it takes. Hanna storms off without hearing the rest of Emily being a very good friend.
Samantha: Hate this trope a lot. It feels like an off-shoot of “use your words.”
Sweeney: It’s “use your words” in the worst way because words were used but the plot requires Hanna to aggressively refuse to listen. Throw this plot device in the garbage.
Mari: Outside, Talia comes to find Emily because she got her message from earlier. Emily confronts Talia about what she told her husband. Their relationship has three people in it and Talia is lying to all 3 of them. Damn, Talia. You just got out-matured by your high school girlfriend. Emily leaves to find Hanna.
Aria is still looking in a tree. She finds Mike’s mystery package and hey, it’s a vial of blood. And HEY! Here comes Mike himself to be creepy and weird. Aria demands to know whose blood is in the vial. Mike says it’s Mona’s, like if that is totally normal, and lunges at Aria to grab vial. Aria drops it and runs. Where you gonna go, girl? You live with that guy.
Hanna grabs some cold pizza from the fridge for emotional eats. Emily lets herself in and tells Hanna that Coach is actually a gorgon. Mama Marin joins them and says that she spoke to Asshole Marin and he doesn’t know how Kate’s name ended up on that pageant list. She isn’t even in town this weekend. Mama Marin leaves again and Hanna gets a text from A saying that Kate might not win the pageant, but she already won Asshole Marin’s heart. Emily says that if Hanna isn’t going to do the pageant, she’ll do it. She’ll win it for Hanna because A won’t keep her from helping someone she loves.
Sweeney: I know we’re being snarky here but…I’m…very emotional about this?
Marines: Hastings House. Mama Hastings posted bail for Jonny and then also kicked him out of the barn. THANK GOD. Spencer can’t believe this is happening. She can’t believe Toby acted that way. Jonny wants to know if she means like an over zealous cop or an over zealous boyfriend. Do… neither of them… realize… that they actual burgled? I’m confused. Jonny kisses her goodbye.
Samantha:
Mari: Aria runs into her house and shouts for her dad. He’s not there, and it’s too late because Mike has already caught up. She warns him to stay away, but he’s weepy, and ready to redeem himself out of the Toby Edit with a story. A few nights before Thanksgiving, he surprise-visited Mona. He walks in on her sitting next to a little mini-fridge full of vials of her own blood. She quickly explains that she’s been given a chance to make things right for the Liars and expose A. Mona has been indirectly communicating with A, whose come up with a plan for Mona to fake her own death in order to frame Alison. Mona is going to go along with it to win A’s trust enough to learn their identity and expose them. Then, she’ll come back to Rosewood, reveal all the secrets and be the hero.
Mike says that he was supposed to meet up with Mona a bunch of times since then, but she’s never shown up. He’s afraid that A double-crossed Mona and really killed her. He’s been visiting Alison in jail, trying to see if she knows anything about A. He knows Alison isn’t A because she wasn’t in town when all of this was happening. Mona left him a vial of her blood as keepsake and he cries that it was all he had left of her. Aria hugs him like that’s sweet and not creepy.
Samantha: Dear boyfriend, please don’t leave me your blood as a keepsake. A necklace or stuffed animal will do.
Marines: Later, Aria fills in the rest of the Liars at the Hastings House. They are like “uh-oh, we destroyed a lot of evidence that could’ve proven Alison innocent of murder.” They are actually more concerned about the fact that they called Alison A to her face. I think Alison is probably more concerned about the murder thing.
A-tag: A checks out Mike’s room. With a wrench.
Next time on Pretty Little Liars: The Liars try to talk to Alison in S05 E21 – Bloody Hell.
I'm a 30-something south Floridan who loves the beach but cannot swim. Such is my life, full of small contradictions and little trivialities. My main life goals are never to take life too seriously, but to do everything I attempt seriously well. After that, my life goals devolve into things like not wearing pants and eating all of the Zebra Cakes in the world. THE WORLD.
Nicole is the co-captain of Snark Squad and these days she spends most of her time editing podcasts. She spends too much time on Twitter and very occasionally vlogs and blogs. In her day job she's a producer, editor, director, and sometimes host of educational YouTube channels. She loves travel, maps, panda gifs, and semicolons. Writing biographies stresses her out; she crowd sourced this one years ago and has been using a version of it ever since. She would like to thank Twitter for their help.
I'm a 28 year old graduated English major and almost librarian. I can often be found singing too loudly (poorly) in the car or spending some time (hours) on Tumblr. I am a lover of Harry Potter, the Spice Girls, and too many other things.