Game of Thrones S07 E07 – A Genetic Cul-de-sac

Previously: The stupidest plan ever did not end well.
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Marines: Hey all! Season 8 of Game of Thrones is premiering THIS WEEK. It’s been a long winter without it. Before we get started live-Tweeting and recapping the new season, we have to finish this recap we never finished back in 2017, lol. It’s cool because we get to now pitch it as a “preparing for the final season” thing. In case you are new around here, we usually take turns being the main recapper for an episode, but for season finales, we split the episode into three and all take our turn at recapping. 

So, here we go! 

Democracy Diva: The previouslies remind us that Yara’s plot line still exists, the Stark kids’ plot line infuriated all Snark Ladies, we’re getting a Very Special Kings Landing Reality TV Reunion Episode, and also Viserion is a wight now.

We begin with the stoic face of Grey Worm, with thousands of Unsullied soldiers in formation behind him. Silent and still, as always. Bronn looks down upon them from what I assume are the walls of King’s Landing, ordering more barrels of pitch. He tells Jaime he still gets a half-chub when someone calls him “my lord,” but Jaime’s over it. Bronn muses about why men without cocks would fight for anything. Jaime suggests money, but Bronn says soldiers spend their money on women. Jaime tosses out family, but Bronn is like, yeah, hard to create one of those when you’re a eunuch. Jaime finally concedes that maybe life really is all about cocks, despite the fact that this entire episode revolves around queens and women in power. Keep dick-measuring, boys. The women will continue to get shit done.

Catherine: Just checking, can someone remind me who run the world?

Marines: Beyonce comes when summoned. 

Diva: Amen.

A horn blows, and the Dothraki ride up, going wild around the Unsullied’s tight battle formations. The fact that the Dothraki and the Unsullied are polar opposites has never been more clear, as we see the Unsullied refuse to even flinch as the khalasar roars around them. It’s easy to believe that anybody who can pull two such vastly different armies together might be able to win this damn war, even without dragons. Bronn and Jaime watch with dread.

We get a sweeping shot of ships sailing into King’s Landing. Tyrion, Jon, Davos, Missandei, and Jorah are all on one boat, because everyone has apparently learned NOTHING from the time that they put Yara, Ellaria, and the Sand Snakes on one boat and ALL of them got kidnapped/killed. Remember when Tyrion was one of the smartest people in Westeros? I guess that went out the window with normal travel speeds and reasonable exit strategies for battles. (M: I have a permanent salt store from last episode alone. Get you a reasonable exit strategy.) 

Anyway, Jon wonders why a million people – more than the population of the entire North – would want to live all in one city. Tyrion reminds him that there’s more work in a city, and the brothels are better, and also there’s a Whole Foods.

The Hound climbs below decks because he’s the character who has been tasked with constantly doing dumb shit to wights for no reason. We watched him throw a rock at one last week, and now we watch him knock on the box carrying the wight, only to make the wight go all screechy and punchy and kicky. Just in case we forgot there’s a Wight-in-a-Box! Thanks, show.

Red Keep. Cersei asks Qyburn why Dany isn’t with the rest of the folks heading for the reunion episode; Qyburn doesn’t know, but the rest of the gang is en route to the Dragonpit, including Tyrion. Cersei lightly tells the Mountain that if there’s any trouble, he should kill Dany first, then Tyrion, then Jon, and after that it’s a FrankenMountain Choose-Your-Own-Adventure! Kill them in whatever order you like! What fun. Jaime makes that strained face he’s been making pretty much nonstop since last season’s finale.

Catherine: It’s just constant constipation face with him. It’s blatantly obvious that his heart just isn’t in being on the evil side of the war anymore.

Mari: Wow I feel so NOT BAD FOR YOU JAIME.

Diva: Tyrion, Jon, Missandei, Jorah, Varys, the Hound, some Dothraki dudes – let’s call them Team Dany Minus Dany – are having a walk-and-talk about the history of the Dragonpit. Jorah explains that the dragons of old weren’t exactly awesome at telling the difference between innocent people and lunch meat, so the Targaryens had to lock them up (like Dany did to her dragons after Drogon killed that little Meereenese girl). Tyrion exposits that by the end, the last dragons were smaller than dogs. But at the start, this pit was the most dangerous place on earth, home to some of the biggest dragons ever.

Bronn and a group of Lannister soldiers approach Team Dany Minus Dany [TDMD]. Bronn welcomes TDMD formally and explains that their friends have already arrived – we see Brienne and Podrick behind him – and offers to escort them to the Dragonpit. Everyone exchanges meaningful glances, and they follow. Here we get Reality Show Reunion #1: A Man and his Loyal Squire. Tell us, Tyrion and Podrick:

Tyrion and Podrick are almost as happy to see each other as I am to see them back together. Bronn interrupts their beautiful moment by telling Tyrion that he can suck Pod’s magic cock later. I continue to be here for any and all references to Podrick’s magic cock. Pod’s sexual prowess continuity is my favorite continuity.

A nameless Lannister guard dares to ask the Hound what’s in his big creepy box. “Fuck off,” the Hound tells him, and Nameless Lannister obliges. This brings us to Reality Show Reunion #2: Once-Enemy Fan Favorites Bond Over Another Fan Favorite.

Brienne, like most of the audience, thought the Hound was dead; he casually admits she came close enough to killing him. And more importantly, they note that they were both just trying to protect Arya. It’s clear that Brienne believes him, as she tells him that Arya is alive in Winterfell.

    

Sit down, Gwyneth – it’s clear that Brienne and the Hound are the true creators of conscious uncoupling.

Catherine: I LOVE this. At least someone is bonding over how great Arya (normally) is. Lookin’ at you Jon and Gendry. Lookin’ at you hard.

Mari: There little half smiles at each other as they think about joint custody over there little murder baby. It truly warms the heart.

Diva: True. And I swear, that conscious uncoupling joke was really clever when I wrote it in August 2017.

Which brings us to Reunion #3: Two Bros of the Blackwater.

Tyrion notes that he’s not much of a lord anymore, but Ser Bronn of the Blackwater sure is. Bronn thinks Tyrion’s new queen will restore his lordship, which gives Tyrion the excuse to inquire about where Bronn’s future loyalties might be. He reminds Bronn of his offer from seasons ago – whatever the other side is paying him, Tyrion will double it. Varys gets a paycheck one line of dialogue this episode, asking what exactly Bronn is being paid by the Lannisters. Tyrion thinks Bronn put himself at risk for his meeting with Jaime, but Bronn tells him it was all in the name of self-preservation. Cersei wants Tyrion’s head, not Bronn’s, and Bronn just brought her a whole boatload of traitors. Suddenly Tyrion’s facade falls, as he tells Bronn that it’s good to see him again. Bronn’s emotional armor drops a bit too, as he replies in kind.

Mari: I only think about how not alive Bronn should be whenever I see him.

Diva: This is fair and correct.

The gang arrives outside the Dragonpit. The Hound leaves the Wight-in-a-Box behind and warns the Nameless Lannister guards not to fuck with it. We get a big show of the ruins of the Dragonpit, the walls half-blasted away. We also get a lot of shots of individual characters on Team Dany Without Dany looking around, silently taking stock of the place, which ups the tension. Bronn exits with Pod so the fancy people can talk, which feels random and unnecessary. (C: I think the writers just wanted to get rid of some people. EVERYONE ELSE is here.) The Hound asks Tyrion if he’s going to die in this shit city; Tyrion is like, yeah probz. The Hound thinks every bad idea has had a Lannister cunt behind it, but Tyrion reminds him that there was always a Clegane cunt to carry that idea out.

Enter Team Cersei: The queen, her brotherlover, her undead Mountain, Iron Islands Pacey, and Qyburn. Quite an all-star gang. We get increasingly stressful violin music, no dialogue, and more significant glances as Cersei arrives and takes her seat. It should be noted that Cersei’s outfit is, as per usual, FLAWLESS.

SLAY, QUEEN, but only metaphorically please

Jon eyes Cersei, Brienne eyes Jamie, Cersei eyes Tyrion, Pacey eyes Theon, the Hound eyes the Mountain – oh, shit. That brings us to…

Reunion #4: Almost-Corpse Clegane vs. Reanimated-Corpse Clegane.

We don’t get #Cleganebowl, but we get the promise of it: The Hound basically tells his brother he looks like shit, and that in order for this story to be narratively satisfying, the Hound will totally have to kill the Mountain. Thanks, Sandor! Get hype, fandom!

Catherine: In other news, as a writer I’m stressed just watching these reunions. I can’t imagine trying to remember who has beef with who after 7 seasons. Almost everyone in the arena has a reason to hate everyone else. Welcome to the 75th Annual Hunger Games, ya’ll!

Diva: Once everyone is seated, Cersei asks where Dany is, looking pissed off that Dany didn’t travel with Tyrion. Not sure why she’s so mad unless Tyrion’s boat was supposed to be attacked en route to Kings Landing, which… you know… it wasn’t. Cersei falls back into awkward, stressful silence, and then Brienne and Jaime and Cersei all eye each other for a bit. This fun threesome of meaningful glances is interrupted by the flapping of two (RIP, Viserion!) dragons’ big-ass wings. Most people get to their feet, including Pacey, because seeing a dragon is kind of a big deal. Cersei, who has very clearly been rehearsing how she would react to her first dragon sighting, stays calmly seated. We see Dany on Drogon’s back as he makes his way into the pit. Cersei still looks vaguely bored, though Pacey looks vaguely horny. Dany deboards, and the dragons fly away. Uh, hey, dragons? We don’t actually know that Cersei isn’t going to murder these people. Maybe just like, chill nearby? Park it on the ruins for a bit? What’s the rush?

Anyway, Dany steps forward alone and takes her seat. After a brief glare, Cersei complains through gritted teeth that Dany is late. Dany coolly apologizes. Stressful silence again, until Tyrion rises and starts to speechify. He’s interrupted by Pacey, who never misses an opportunity to swing his cock around. He orders Theon to submit to him then and there, or he’ll kill Yara. Uh, read the pit, buddy. This really isn’t about you. Tyrion says as much, Pacey makes a joke about his size, Theon and Tyrion criticize Pacey’s humor skills, and things devolve from there until Jaime suggests that Pacey sit his bitch ass down. He declines, until Cersei commands it of him. Then Pacey puts his tiny penis away, and the adult conversation can continue.

Catherine: I hate this fucking shitty pirate motherfucker.

Mari: Riding in on a dragon: badass entrance. Making short jokes? Not so much Sea Pacey.

Diva: Tyrion says what we all know: reality TV reunions are dramatic because everybody hates each other. Alas, they still have to work together for the greater paycheck good. Cersei asks if he’s not asking her to make nice and forget the past entirely, why are they there? Jon steps up to explain that this is about the Great War, between the living and the dead. Kings Landing will become one million walking corpses. Cersei jokes that that might improve things (which is harsh, but hey, these people did sexually harass her while she was marched naked through the streets, so I’d be salty too). Jon, who doesn’t have a sense of humor even under the best circumstances, is not thrilled with Cersei’s jokes. She doesn’t care. Why should she believe that they want her to stand down in order to fight some storybook monster, and not so that they can recruit more soldiers to fight against the Lannisters and take the Iron Throne? She spits at Dany about her capitol, which Dany swears will be safe until the threat in the North is dealt with. Cersei basically LOLs at the thought of believing Dany’s promises.

Tyrion tries to get things back on track – nothing will erase the past, but they’ve brought something to show her. The Hound marches out with the giant Wight-in-a-Box on his back. He dumps it on the ground and the wight stays silent, despite throwing a tantrum when the Hound knocked on the box earlier. (C: Is this like when I take my cat to the vet and she won’t get out of her carrier?) (M: Literally yes.) Everyone does another round of Meaningful Glances, and the Hound sloooowly unlocks the box, opens it, and finally kicks it over. That’s when the wight crawls out, screaming, and leaps straight towards Cersei.

For as calm, cool, and collected as Cersei was in the face of two dragons, she LOSES HER GODDAMN SHIT when that wight comes for her. I love the juxtaposition between her practiced and rehearsed dragon reaction, and her complete and utter terror here. She had no way to prepare herself for this one. Cersei leaps further back into her chair, clutching its arms, finally breaking her icy demeanor, just for a few moments.

Damn, girl. Your two bodyguards are a giant zombie and your brother-lover, and NEITHER of them leap in front of you? You need to sort out your Secret Service. That shit is unacceptable.

Mari: It happens when you are a shit boss.

Diva: Anyway, the Hound starts slicing the wight in half, and the wight keeps fighting. Qyburn, never missing an opportunity to examine a new undead potential weapon, grabs the wight’s dismembered hand, before Jon swipes it back. (Possible the only smart thing Jon’s ever done?) Davos steps right up for what is an adorably rehearsed demonstration. Jon uses his Professor Voice to show that they can kill the wights with fire or dragonglass. (I kinda thought fire kills wights and dragonglass kills White Walkers, but whatever. Also, weird not to mention Valyrian steel.) He tells Cersei that this shit is the fate of the whole world if they don’t win this fight. Jon stabs the wight with dragonglass, and it dies for good.

Catherine: I’m surprised. I feel like the writers have changed what kills the wights so many times that I can’t keep up. I thought you had to pour salt on them or read them poetry or something.

Mari: 

Diva: Dany chimes in to say that she didn’t believe in the wights until she saw them, and she saw at least a hundred thousand of them. Jaime looks straight up terrified, and Euron asks if the wights can swim. As we know, they can’t (unless it’s to somehow attach chains to a dead underwater dragon). Iron Islands Pacey is thrilled to hear this – he’s taking his talents back to his islands, where the wights can’t get to him. He’s seen a lot of shit, and this is the only thing that scares him. Cersei objects, but Pacey don’t care. He tells Dany to go back to her island, so that they can be the only ones left alive at the end of winter. She’s less than impressed, and Pacey departs.

Catherine: I feel like this is the only time Pacey was ever relatable. What’s that? They can’t swim? Peace out. We all know that getting to a private island is the pinnacle of zombie apocalypse plans.

Diva: It’s the pinnacle of life plans in general.

Cersei notes that Pacey is a wimp, but right to be afraid. Everything she has lost will have been for nothing if the wights come for them. Cersei agrees to the truce, to fight with Team Dany & Co against the White Walkers until they are defeated. On one condition: that Jon also extend this truce, and agree not to take sides between Dany and Cersei until the Northern threat is dealt with. Though being reasonable is not one of Cersei’s strong suits, this strikes me as a fair bargain. Why should Cersei be the only one who has to sacrifice something and forge an alliance? Why shouldn’t Jon agree to put his loyalty and boner towards Dany aside until they deal with the matter that they all came here to deal with, the only fight that really matters?

Well, because he’s Jon Snow, that’s why. Cersei explains that Jon will remain in the North and not take up arms against House Lannister. Dany clarifies that Cersei is only asking Jon not to fight the Lannisters, not Dany. Cersei hisses that Dany would never accept that deal, and if she did, Cersei would trust her even less than she does now. Dany practically rolls her eyes. Cersei invokes Ned Stark’s name to convince him.

Mari: “I know Ned Stark’s son also eats honor for breakfast.” — Cersei, if she were a Snark Lady.

Diva: Jon looks at Davos, and at Dany, who might be giving him a glance of approval but with Emilia Clarke, you can never really be sure. Jon Snow says that he is his father’s son (#foreshadowing), and he does try to follow his word. And that’s why he cannot accept Cersei’s deal – because he has already pledged himself to Queen Dany. The rest of Team Dany exchange more Meaningful Glances, but this time they’re stressed (Varys) and worried (Missandei) and maybe even a little bit mad (Tyrion). Cersei’s just over it. She tells Jon to have fun dealing with the dead up north. She’ll deal with whatever’s left of them.

Catherine: Starks make their worst decisions in King’s Landing. It is known.

Diva: As Team Cersei begins to walk out dramatically, we’re treated to Reunion #5: Complicated Feelings, feat. A Very Dumb Knight and The Fierce Bitch Who Sets His Ass Straight.

Brienne follows Jaime out, who snarks says that it’s good to see her, at least before they meet in battle. She refuses to let him ignore what just happened. He blabs about how he’s loyal to his sister, and she’s loyal to Sansa, but Brienne interrupts him with a truly magnificent moment of character development:

“Oh, fuck loyalty,” the woman whose sword is named Oathkeeper tells him. Brienne has spent the entire run of this show carrying out her pledges of loyalty – first to her king Renly, by killing the man who murdered him with a vagina-shadow-demon, and then to her lady Catelyn, by spending years searching for the Stark girls, fighting to protect them, and finally seeing them safe home at Winterfell. For Brienne to tell someone to fuck loyalty – and more significantly, for her to tell Jaime, whom she once loathed for breaking his oath to his mad king, to break his oath to his mad queen – that was as big a shock to me as anything else in this episode. God bless these reunions for giving us some of these real character moments, rooted in their history, instead of just leaping from plot point to plot point. This moment meant everything to me. Not as much to Jaime, though, who just asks what he’s supposed to say to his batshit sister. He walks away, to Brienne’s horror.

Mari: It’s not an even entirely an “I could never.” It’s a “you saw what she’s like. What could I possibly say?” Which, yes.

Diva: With Team Cersei gone, Davos tells Jon that he wishes Jon hadn’t rejected Cersei’s offer. And Dany reminds him that one of her kids died in order to make it to this meeting of the minds, and if Jon fucks this up, Viserion died for nothing. She’s fuckin’ right, and Jon knows it. Tyrion passive-aggressively notes that if anyone had bothered to ask him, he would have recommended that Jon bend the knee to Dany. But he also wants to know if Jon could maybe not be such a fucking idiot, and lie for the greater good once in awhile. Jon gets on his high horse, and throws shade at the Trump administration by explaining that when enough people lie, words become meaningless and so does the truth. And if there are no answers, only lies, they can’t win this fight. Tyrion says, cool, but we are still fucked.

Davos asks how they can fix it. Tyrion only has one plan: everyone stays in the Dragonpit, except Tyrion. He’s going to meet with Cersei. Alone. Dany thinks Cersei will murder him. Jon offers to go instead, because he is still very dumb, and Tyrion’s like, no, she will DEFINITELY murder you. Tyrion says, listen buddies, I do Reunion #6: Sibling Rivalry, or we go home with nothing. He exits the Dragonpit in silence, and enters the lion’s den, and I pass the recap off to Catherine.

Catherine: Yay! Or boo. Depending on how this goes. 

Tyrion is escorted into the Red Keep by The Mountain. Jaime stops them, and Tyrion asks if he spoke with Cersei. He says that he spoke ‘at’ her, but she kicked him out. Also, she thinks he’s an idiot for trusting Tyrion. Tyrion points out that he’s about to step into the room with a women who has tried to kill him at least twice so he’s kind of more of an idiot. Jaime says they should say goodbye, one idiot to another, since there’s a good chance that lil’ bro isn’t gonna be coming out of that room. They give each other a sad look before Jaime steps aside and Tyrion keeps walking.

Inside the only room in the Red Keep that the show seems to have been able to afford this season, Cersei’s giant map room, Cersei is sitting at her desk because I guess she had paperwork to catch up on or something. She tells Tyrion that she’s not surprised he’s fallen in with Dany since she’s his kind of women—a foreign whore who doesn’t know her place. Tyrion says she can’t abduct, beat or intimidate Dany like she did with the others. But in doing so he kinda tacitly calls her a whore. Word choice, Tyrion.

Cersei is pissed that Jon Snow humiliated her in front of literally everyone in the show. Tyrion says he didn’t know that was gonna happen. Cersei still thinks Tyrion wants to destroy their family, as if anyone gives a rat’s ass about the Lannisters anymore. He says that he’s actually trying to prevent their destruction and that Dany wanted to ride up and blow away King’s Landing with her dragons before he advised her against it. Damn, I’d really hate to be a innocent pawn in the game of two megalomaniacs who want to burn down each others countries—OH WAIT. Already there.

Mari: Can confirm: sucks.

Diva: I don’t even know which imminent threat of war we’re discussing, but I definitely agree.

Catherine: Cersei, almost slightly tearful, reminds Tyrion that he killed their father. Tyrion owns up to it and says that he hates himself even more than he ever hated Tywin. Cersei ain’t having it. When Tyrion killed Tywin, it left their family open to all the shit that’s happened to them ever since, including the deaths of her kids. She says that no one would have touched them if Tywin was still alive. But, hey, Tommen killed himself because of something that you did, my dear. I think we’re forgetting that particular death was basically on you. Tyrion insists that he is devastated that Myrcella and Tommen died and Cersei tells him to shut it. He says that if she hates him so much she should have him killed right there. Cersei looks up at The Mountain. Tyrion gets emotional and basically starts trying to goad her into killing him by reminding her that she would still have a mother, a father and two of her children if it weren’t for him. He goes over to The Mountain and shouts at him to do it and then tells Cersei to say the word. FrankenMountain steps up and pulls his sword halfway out.

The tensest moment ever happens where Cersei looks like she wishes that she could give the order but ultimately she angry sighs and leans back in her chair. (D: Honestly, I still don’t understand why Tyrion goads her – and I still don’t know why she decided not to have him killed.) Tyrion takes a deep, teary breath. He goes over and pours himself a drink and then brings Cersei one. He tells her that he did love Myrcella and Tommen and that somewhere in her black little heart she knows that he did. Even if she doesn’t want to admit it. Cersei says again that she doesn’t care how he feels but that him killing their father cost the family their future. He asks why they’re even talking if there’s no future. She asks why he wants everyone to bend the knee to Dany, and he says that he thinks Dany will make the world a better place. Cersei’s like, okay but you said that she wanted to come here and kill everyone? Tyrion says that Dany chose him as her Hand to check her worst impulses. Cersei says that she doesn’t care about checking herself and that she doesn’t care about making the world a better place. But she puts a hand on her non-existent baby bump. 

Diva: I remain a Cersei Really Is Pregnant Truther. I mean, she’s not gonna live long enough for it to matter, but I still believe!

Catherine: Ugh, I hope not. She has like a 33% record on demon babies and I heard once you reach a certain age all of your non-evil eggs get used up.

Cersei says that when the white walker attacked her all she cared about was keeping it away from her family. Tyrion deduces that she’s pregnant. Upon first watching this, I thought this was silly but now I mean….come on, Cersei said “family” in a plural sort of way, like she meant more than just Jaime. There was no one else in the arena that she gives a shit about. Complete with the hand on the tummy, I guess it doesn’t really take Sherlock Holmes to figure that shit out.

Mari: And she didn’t drink the wine! #detectingtheshitoutofthings

Catherine: Excellent catch!

Cersei doesn’t admit anything but they stare at each other for a moment and she looks away, which, in TV Land, is as good as admitting it.

Back in the Dragonpit, our favorite hot dummy (D: you’ll have to be more specific, this show is full of hot dummies) (C: Great point. Hot-technically-a-zombie-dummy, Jon Snow.) picks up an unidentified dragon bone from the ground to look at it. Dany comes over and tells him that she respects him telling the truth even though it was stupid. She takes the bone from him (the DRAGON BONE, you perverts) and says that the Pit was the beginning of the end for her family. She says that the dragons were terrifying and extraordinary and her family locked them away to waste away. Without the dragons, the Targaryens were just like everyone else except super hot. Jon tells her that she’s not like everyone else and she’s still here, so her family hasn’t seen it’s end. She reminds him (AGAIN) that she can’t have children. Never have clearer “I wanna fuck” signals been sent.

Jon asks who told her that she can’t have kids and she says “The witch who murdered my husband.” Jon points out that maybe the homicidal witch wasn’t exactly Web M.D. And she should get a second opinion. Like his dick is a doctor or something. IDK. It’s all very sexual. They’re in a little alcove like 3 inches apart during this conversation.

   

Mari: 100% secretly talking about combining their genetic makeup.

Diva: Their very, very similar genetic makeup.

Catherine: A genetic cul-de-sac, if you will.

Dany says that she’s not sure what to do because she can’t ignore the Army of the Dead but also if she removes her men to fight them, Cersei is gonna move her men north. Jon says that Tyrion’s assessment was correct, they are fucked. Speak of the devil. Tyrion walks back into the DragonPit on his own– closely followed after by Cersei, Jaime and assorted guards. I would love to know whose idea it was for Tyrion to walk that far ahead just for the drama.

Cersei tells Dany and crew that she’s not pulling her armies back, instead she’s gonna march them north with Dany’s army to fight the White Walkers. Jon looks over at Tyrion like he thinks he might be magic now. Cersei gives a speech about fighting the darkness together and then reminds them that when the war is over, they should remember that she promised to help with no offer of a reward and almost no arrogance or egotism. Almost. 

Winterfell. A raven flies in a storm toward the castle. Inside, Sansa is waiting not-so-patiently as Littlefinger tells her that it’s not easy for ravens to fly during storms. Apparently, she got a raven from Jon. She tells Littlefinger that Jon has never asked for her opinion before so why start now. Littlefinger doesn’t think that Jon would surrender the northern crown without telling her but Sansa says that the letter is pretty clear and it’s in his writing. NOT THAT WE’VE HAD TROUBLE WITH LETTERS WRITTEN UNDER DURESS RECENTLY OR ANYTHING. I mean, this one wasn’t. I just think they need a better system.

Mari: Secret code words at the very least.

Diva: My written-under-duress, secret-coded letter to you ladies to hint at my troubles would be “and also, isn’t Littlefinger just the best?!”

Catherine: I would call the army immediately.

Littlefinger says that he’s heard the Dragon Queen is bammin’ slammin’ bootylicious so probably Jon bent the knee so he could tap that. Littlefinger starts slyly suggesting that Sansa unname Jon as King in the North. Sansa seems to think about it for a second before remembering that Arya would go ballistic, and she’s super murderey now. Littlefinger asks if Arya would really murder her own sister. Sansa asks if he knows what Arya is now and what the Faceless Men are, because I guess she’s been doing some Googling. After a pause, Sansa asks what Littlefinger thinks Arya is after, and he says that she knows her own sister best. But he tells her that when he’s trying to understand a persons motive, he plays a little game. He assumes the worst possible scenario and asks himself how that explains what the person is doing. It seems pretty logical upfront but because it’s Littlefinger, it’s all explained in his creepy child-man voice. Also there has been A LOT of “here’s a little game I play” dialog in this season and I’m not sure if it means anything or if it’s just supposed to be a big lead up to them all going “but the real game is the GAME of THRONES” at some point. I hope so. (D: I hope they deliver that line straight to camera, too.)

Sansa says that the worst thing Arya could want is to kill Sansa for wronging the family and take her place as Lady Stark. As she’s explaining all this terrible stuff, Littlefinger is so excited about leading her into this conclusion that he looks like he’s having an orgasm. I wanna barf. Luckily there’s some dramatic music and the shit ends.

Dragonstone. Creepy Sex Table. Or the Table of Bad Ideas, as I’m calling it now. Jon is outlining a plan for everyone going back to Winterfell. Jorah suggests that Dany fly to Winterfell because she has a lot of enemies and all it takes is one angry man with a crossbow. Because we’ve never proven that people can still hit her dragons with arrows and shit in the air, except for the multiple times that has happened this season. Jon says it’s her decision but that if they’re going to be allies in the war, it’s important that the Northerners see them as allies. So they should sail to White Harbor together. For plot reasons that totally aren’t porn logic. Dany agrees.

Mari: She’s thinking the sex table looks uncomfy, but a ship is totally fair game.

Catherine: In the throne room, Theon catches Jon as he’s leaving. (M: It’s another Reality TV Show Reunion!) (D: Sorry, they don’t make Drag Race gifs for “sorry I betrayed your family and murdered two random children who I pretended were your brothers before I got tortured and castrated and then betrayed my own family” reunions.) He asks to speak with him. Theon says that he was inspired by Jon telling the truth in King’s Landing even though it was dumb and stuff. He says that Jon has always known what was right even when they were kids. Jon says that it may seem that way but he’s done plenty of things that he regrets. Theon’s all, not compared to me you haven’t. Which, yeah. You’ve done some awful shit, Theon. Jon agrees with that. Theon says that he’s always wanted to do the right thing but he didn’t know what that meant. He says that he’s always felt like he had to make the choice between being a Stark and being a Greyjoy. Jon suddenly marches up to him and reminds him that Ned Stark was more of a father to him than Balon ever was and Theon agrees. Jon says that he betrayed Ned and Theon agrees. But Jon sighs and says that he never lost Ned and that he’ll always be a part of him. It’s not Jon’s place to forgive him for all the shit he’s done, but he forgives him for the stuff that is his to forgive. Jon tells him that he’s a Greyjoy and a Stark and he doesn’t need to choose. Theon looks shocked and thoughtful. He says that Yara was the only one who tried to save him when he was Ramsey’s prisoner and that she needs him. Jon asks what he’s still doing there then and walks off.

Mari: He just wanted permission to go save his sister. I don’t often feel for Theon because he really did so many bad things, but this is a really great moment. Jon Snow is dumb as rocks, but he’s a great character to use as a way to drum up sympathy for other characters? Because he’s such a good guy. And he’s such a good guy that he’s dumb, but uh… my point was that this was a great Theon moment. 

Diva: I liked how this speech was ostensibly about Theon’s identity, but is equally true of Jon – or will be, once he learns who his real father is and how it doesn’t change the fact that Ned raised Jon, and made him a Stark.

Catherine: Outside on the beach, what’s left of the Iron Islands guys are loading some little boats to leave. The Captain guy, whom IMDB tells me is named Harrag, though I don’t think they’ve ever said that on the show, is ordering his men around. Theon approaches and everyone stops. He gives a little speech about Yara and how she would never leave them behind and they can’t leave her behind. Harrag tells him that his sister is dead. Fuck you, Harrag. He says that Theon left her to die. Theon, again, admits that he did and that he ran from Pacey because he was a coward. Harrag asks why they should listen to him. Apparently he got the memo about the dead not being able to swim, so he and his men are planning to sail to a quiet island, kill all the men and take their wives. Ah, there’s the casual rape mentions that we didn’t miss this season.

Theon isn’t having this shit. He tells them they’re going to get Yara. Harrag spits in his eye and tells him to run away because it’s what he does best. Of course, a fight breaks out between them. The other Iron Island guys stand around, cheering them on. Masculinity is gross, etc.

Theon is getting his ass handed right to him until Harrag, apparently forgetting what literally no one will shut up about, kicks Theon in the balls. Theon smiles, because, remember, he doesn’t have balls. Or a penis? Or something? I’m still not clear on that one. (D: And I hope to remain unclear on that forever.) But as someone who has neither, getting kicked in the crotch still hurts a lot. Not sure where the idea that it doesn’t get hurt to get kicked there if you don’t have balls comes from. It’s still a body part! Getting kicked hurts!

But it’s great Theon moment regardless. Harrag tries repeatedly to kick him in the balls while looking confused. And Theon just smiles. Finally, he gets the upper hand since Harrag was so confused by the no balls thing. He beats Harrag into unconsciousness, gets to his feet and tells the men that if they won’t do it for him they should do it for Yara. Everyone cheers. Diplomatic talks in the Iron Islands aren’t super civilized. Theon stumbles over to the water and washes the blood of his face, which I guess is supposed to be sort of symbolic of the Iron Islands baptism thing that they do but I may be looking too far into it.

And now the recap is over to Mari!

Marines: I’m so nervous! Why do we watch this show and do this to ourselves? IDK but I’mma keep doing it. (C: It would be a hell of a time to stop now.) 

Winterfell. Sansa our Queen is standing in the snow up on parapet, deep in thought.

She steels herself for something and then tells a nearby guard to have her sister brought to the great hall. 

Great Hall. Sansa and Bran sit at a table with the gathered Northern Lords. Arya is brought in by guards and looks around like okay this looks bad. Littlefinger is nearby smirking. Arya turns toward Sansa and asks if she’s sure she wants to do this. Sansa says it isn’t about what she wants, but about what honor demands– that Sansa defend her family against those who would harm them and that she defend the North against those who would betray them. Arya says okay, get on with it. 

Sansa starts. “You stand accused of murder. You stand accused of treason. How do you answer those charges…” Sansa turns her heard slightly and finishes: “Lord Baelish.” Everyone turns to Petyr who doesn’t even have enough time to wipe the smirk off his face before he registers what’s going on. Littlefinger doesn’t answer immediately. “My sister asked you a question,” Arya says and it’s just so badass and supportive. I love it. 

Littlefinger says he’s confused. Sansa replies that they’ll start simply: Littlefinger killed Lysa Arryn. Littler finger claims it was to protect Sansa, but she knows it was to grab at power in the Vale. Sansa also accuses Petyr of conspiring to kill Jon Arryn, killing Jon Arryn, writing the letter that started the feud between the Starks and the Lannisters, and conspiring with the Lannisters to murder Ned Stark. Littlefinger denies all the charges and reminds everyone gathered that none of them saw what happened. 

AND THEN! Our creepy ass little SEER who I wasn’t really sure was part of this family anymore but SURPRISE, HERE HE COMES. Sorry, let me try that again. (D: Don’t apologize – Bran being actually useful and present is a truly shocking twist.)

Ahem: Bran describes exactly what happened all those episodes ago in season one– Littlefinger held a knife to Ned’s throat and said, “I did warn you not to trust me.” Arya brings out the knife that Littlefinger claimed belonged to Tyrion, but always belonged to him. Littlefinger runs up to Sansa, and leans over the table, claiming he was always trying to protect Sansa. If they could just speak alone, he could explain everything. Sansa, leans back and throws his own goddamn words right back in his face. “Sometimes when I’m trying to understand a person’s motives, I play a little game.” Littlefinger literally hangs his head and closes his eyes in resignation. What’s the worst reason he could have for turning Sansa against Arya? It’s what Littlefinger does. He turns family against family and sister against sister. First Cat and Lysa. Now, Sansa and Arya. “I’m a slow learner,” Sansa admits. “It’s true. But… I learn.” 

Petyr begs for a chance to defend himself. Instead, he turns and asks one of the Knights of the Vale to take him back to the Vale. That dude is like LOL. No. Petyr turns back to Sansa and drops to his knees, begging. He loved Catelyn. “And yet you betrayed her,” Sansa deadpans. Petyr says that he loved Sansa more than anything. “And yet you betrayed me.” 

Sansa stands, repeating once again something Petyr once told her: that there is no justice in the world. They must make their own. Sansa thanks him for all his many lessons. She will never forget them. She looks at Arya who marches right up to Petyr and with a flick of the wrist, slits his throat. Petyr chokes and gurgles to death. There is a long shot of his dead body on the gray stones of the Winterfell castle, Sansa looking down at him. 

I don’t think any of this cancels out my anger of the way they mislead us about Sansa and Arya fighting. I don’t even think it makes entire sense the lengths the show went to mislead us. However, every single moment of that was SATISFYING. Littlefinger set a lot of this bad shit into motion. Watching him accused by Bran, sentenced by Sansa and killed by Arya? It’s what my Stark dreams are made of. (D: Cosign, +1, 1430, etc.)

Catherine: Look, violence is bad, kids… but this was awesome and cathartic. The Stark murder babies ripped him apart like a pack of direwolves. 

Mari: Jaime is in the castle, meeting with members of the Kingsguard and giving them instructions about traveling North. Cersei appears and asks for a moment alone with Jaime. Cersei asks wtf he’s doing. She was totally lying about sending her armies to the North. She plans on just hanging out here since if the dragons and Unsullied and Dothraki can’t defeat the dragons, they sure can’t. Jaime is aghast. He made a PROMISE. Cersei is still on team Family Only. Their child will rule Westeros. Jaime keeps trying to explain how you can’t rule if you are dead and there will be nothing to rule if everyone else is dead? (C: Sound logic tbh)

Cersei has plans of her own though. All their gold bought them the Golden Company of Essos. Sea Pacey didn’t really run away to his island. He want to pick up the Golden Company and bring them back. “No one walks away from me,” Cersei tantrums. Jaime can’t believe she plotted with Sea Pacey without telling him. Cersei throws back in his face that he met with Tyrion behind her back. Jaime is over all of this. He pledged to ride North, and he will. FrankenMountain bars him from leaving so, for the second time this episode, one of Cersei’s brothers tries to goads her into killing them. Cersei gives a signal and FrakenMountain pulls out his sword. Jaime doesn’t believe her though and he walks away, despite all of Cersei’s claims that no one does. 

Jaime rides out alone and while he’s putting on his gloves he realizes that it’s starting to snow in King’s Landing. 

WINTER DONE TOLD YOU THAT SHE WAS COMING. 

Diva: SERIOUSLY. Like constantly. Since the FIRST EPISODE. Like, maybe wear a warm hat, guys.

Catherine: We just got, like a foot of snow here over the past two days in APRIL so you’ll forgive me if I’m not sympathetic to them not paying attention to the weather forecast, i.e. the Starks. 

Mari: A haunting version of the Game of Thrones theme plays as we see snow and night both fall over the King’s Landing. 

Winterfell. Samwell arrives. 

Bran is in his rooms when someone knocks on the door. Bran greets Sam by name. Sam is a little disconcerted and asks what happened to Bran beyond the wall. Bran says he’s the Three Eyed Raven now, which means he can see events in the past and events currently happening.

Sam has come to Winterfell to fight alongside Jon in the Great War. Bran says that Jon needs to know who he really is: the son of Rhaegar Targaryen and Lyanna Stark, borne in Dorne. He’s not a Snow. He’s a Sand. (C: Jon Sand just doesn’t have the same ring to it, though.) 

Sam has the other piece to this puzzle though: Rhaegar and Lyanna were wed in a secret ceremony. He asks Bran to look for it in his visions. 

We cut to Bran, standing as he watches the secret wedding ceremony. Robert’s Rebellion was built on a lie.

Diva: Except for the part where the Mad King tortured and murdered Ned’s brother and Ned’s dad, and then demanded Ned and Robert’s heads, so Jon Arryn declared war rather than surrender his wards. And also the Mad King was going to burn alive all one million residents of Kings Landing and so stopping him was probably a good idea. But, sure, let’s go with Bran’s thing.

Mari: Right and Bran’s thing is that Rhaegar didn’t kidnap or rape Lyanna. He loved her. 

We cut again, this time to the ship carrying Jon and Dany for plot and not porn reasons. Jon hesitantly knocks on Dany’s door and they give each other heavy looks. She lets him in while Tyron watches in the background. 

Back in the vision, Lyanna whispers Jon’s real name to Ned: Aegon Targaryen. (D: Good – there definitely aren’t enough Aegon Targaryens in this story.) (C: Still better than Jon Sand.) With her dying breaths, she charges Ned with protecting her son. 

Back on the ship, this just in, we can definitely confirm that Jon and Dany are on the ship for porn and not plot reasons. Also, she’s his aunt. It’s looks like right now ignorance is bliss, though. Knowing what we know about Targaryens, however, probably non-ignorance will also be bliss. We get a shot of Jon Snow’s butt so I’m distracted from the 11th hour incest, even as Bran’s voice over spells out that Jon is not a bastard and is indeed the heir to the Iron Throne. 

Diva: No female nudity and SIGNIFICANT hot male nudity? In a Game of Thrones sex scene? We’ve come a long way from Season 1, baby. 

Catherine: Love how they just went with “He’s the heir to the iron throne!” instead of “He’s Daenerys Targaryen’s nephew” as a voice over to the scene of them doing it. 

Mari: Tyrion is still standing sadly in the shadows thinking about Jon and Dany having sex, I guess. 

Up on a parapet in Winterfell, Arya asks Sansa if she’s okay. She says that it’s strange. She believes that Petyr did love her, in his own horrible way. Arya says Sansa did the right thing. Sansa thinks Arya did it, but they did it together. Sansa sentenced him as the Lady of Winterfell. Sansa asks if that bothers Arya. It doesn’t. She was never going to be as good a lady as Sansa, so she had to learn to be something else. Arya doesn’t think she could’ve survived what Sansa survived. Sansa knows she would have. Arya is the strongest person Sansa knows. They share a lighter moment about that being the nicest thing Sansa has ever said to Arya.

As they look out to the snow, they remember the words their father taught them: In winter we must protect ourselves. Look after one another. And: When the snows fall and the white winds blow, the lone wolf dies but the pack survives. Arya tears up as she says that she misses him. Sansa whispers that she does too. Our two girls have both been through so much and if season 8 hurts them I WILL COME FOR SOMEONE.  (C: I am not ready.) 

Weirwood tree. Bran is sitting in front of it, warging out. He travels to the wall. Tormund and Beric  are up at the lookout point and see wights rush out of the trees, lead by a White Walker. A war horn blares as the entire undead army approaches and then stops in formation. 

And then, from the skies comes zombie dragon with his ice fire. 

Diva: I feel like we need to emphasize: ZOMBIE. DRAGON. ICE. FIRE. This is a thing that is happening. Y’ALL. I’m terrified.

Mari: Tormund starts yelling for everyone to run as zombie dragon blasts the wall with his ice fire. 

The wall crumbles. Men fall to their deaths. The wall falls. The undead army marches south. 

We all just lost at least a year of our lives. 

Join us on Sunday, April 14, 2019 as we live-Tweet the season 8 premier with the hashtag #GameofSnark! 

 

Next time on Game of Thrones: The wait is over, winter is here, the wall is gone, and we prepare to be wrecked in S08 E01.