Game of Thrones S08 E02 – They are all going to die.

Catherine Game of Thrones, Season 8, TV , ,

Previously: No one is happy Dany is in town.
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Catherine: After the previouslies remind us that Jaime shoved a child out of a window eight years ago, we’re taken through the broken Wall, Last Hearth, over to Winterfell and down to King’s Landing by the pretty, pretty new credits. When I first watched this, I didn’t notice that the credits had changed between this episode and the last, but someone on Instagram pointed out that the ice that was spilling out from The Wall in the credits last week seems to have surrounded Last Hearth. Here’s a side by side comparison: 

It’s kinda blurry but you see what I mean. After it surrounds Last Hearth it seems to head toward Winterfell. Things aren’t looking good for the weekend commute, we’ll keep you updated as this storm progresses. 

Marines: Westeros News and Weather is everything I never knew I wanted.

Democracy Diva: I felt like there were more scary icy blue tiles than last episode, but I assumed I was imaging it. Way to go, WN&W!

Catherine: Jumping right into Jaime’s trial thing, we’re at Jaime’s trial thing. 

Dany says that when she was a child, her brother used to regale her with bedtime stories about how they were going to torture and kill the man who killed their father, which sounds like Viserys, tbh. (M: Dany should probably not regale others with stories of her awful brother. Maybe just her therapist.) Jaime is standing in front of the table in the Winterfell Great Hall, surrounded by everyone in Winterfell, aka the entire cast of the show sans Cersei. Dany is surprised that Jaime doesn’t seem to have any armies with him (not even up his sleevies). Jaime tells her that Cersei is a big fat liar and she and President’s Day Sale Pacey (D: A+) are waiting to pick off anyone that makes it out of the living vs. dead battle. Tyrion is listening to this and looks ashamed. Dany is mostly just surprised by the fact that Jaime has decided that he’s part of Team Living all of a sudden. He says that he promised to fight for the living and he keeps his promises. Except that time he killed the king and stuff probably. Of course, Tyrion steps up to defend his brother but Dany’s having none of it.

Sansa agrees that they can’t trust Jaime because of that time he attacked Ned Stark. Instead of being like “my bad on that” Jaime says that he won’t apologize because they were at war and he did everything for his family. Hearing this, Bran repeats “The things we do for love” the line Jaime said before he shoved Bran out a window eight years ago. I guess because he counts paralyzing Bran as not something he did for War Reasons, Jaime looks disturbed by the memory. I’m surprised. This is the first time Bran has creep-repeated a famous quote from the show that he was actually there for. 

Mari: Jaime’s defense was weak, but I’m glad he used it just so we could see his WTF face when Bran creep-repeated his child-murder line.

Diva: It’s great that the show is finally putting Bran’s creepery to good use. It’s a nice step up from just staring at everybody who walks through Winterfell’s yard.

Catherine: Dany asks if Jaime’s so hard for his family (which he literally is), why is he abandoning them now. Jaime says that this has gone beyond loyalty now while sneaking a peek at Brienne. She stands up and defends Jaime by telling everyone about how he lost his hand protecting her from being raped in season 3. (M: Back when he had a character arc, remember that?) (D: *whistles The Bear and the Maiden Fair*) Brienne tells Sansa that she wouldn’t be alive without Jaime because he was the one that sent Brienne to find her. Sansa asks if Brienne vouches for him, and she says that she does. Sansa admits that she trusts Brienne with her life, and if she trusts Jaime, then maybe he’s chill. Sansa says that they should let him stay and, next to her, Dany glares some daggers in her general direction. 

Mari: Sansa’s trust in Brienne is everything. She could’ve very easily said, “sorry, girl, but he did too many bad things.” Instead, she puts trust in the people who are loyal to her. Dany can sit there and stare daggers all she wants. That’s how Dany rules.

Catherine: Seems like it.

Dany asks what Jon his opinion because he’s been silently staring off into space this entire time. I know finding out you’re a secret prince can be distressing but, tbh we’ve all been there and he’s gotta pull it the fuck together. 

Jon distractedly mumbles about how they need every man they can get so whatever. It’s down to Dany who reluctantly agrees to let Jaime live. Tyrion lets out a shaky breath of relief and Grey Worm gives Jaime his sword back. Jaime thanks Dany and everyone rises. Sansa walks off first and Dany looks irritated, I think because the Queen is supposed to walk away first in these situations but tbh, we’ve all been there and she just needs to pull it the fuck together. 

Dany looks super severe but then turns to Jon and tries to give him a sort of tender look. He ignores her and walks away. Dany is not having a good day, gang. Brienne gives Jaime one last look before she walks out. He follows her movement until his eyes fall on Bran, staring lifelessly as always. (D: Nvm, guess he’s back to the staring again.) (C: It was nice while it lasted.) 

Dany berates Tyrion about Cersei lying as he follows her through one of Winterfell’s numerous hallways. He says that he was a fool and she says “not for the first time.” Dany tells Tyrion that if he can’t help her get the Iron Throne anymore she’s gonna find another Hand. She walks off and Tyrion tells Jorah and Varys that one of them will probably be wearing his little hand pin soon. I’m betting Jorah. 

Diva: I’m betting it won’t matter because everyone’s gonna die.

Catherine: Cheerful!

The Forge, where the writers have heard our pleas. Gendry is doing something attractively in a thin cotton shirt. If I start to accidentally narrate this like a regency romance novel, will one of you stop me?

Mari: Obviously we will not, Catherine.

Catherine: Good, I didn’t really want you to.  

All around Gendry, people are making dragon glass weapons and stacking them up while he… does the whole burning then cooling thing that blacksmiths do. It doesn’t matter what it’s actually called, he looks great doing it. And Arya clearly agrees, because she arrives to stare at him from a dark corner. Gendry notices her staring. She looks at him, and he looks at her for a very long, very sexy moment. For once, I’m not editorializing this. That’s really what happens. 

Diva: It’s still really hard for me to believe Catherine didn’t write this scene. Also, Joe Dempsie surrounded by steam and smoke is a MOOD and that mood is EROTIC.

Catherine: I’m SWEATING.

He asks her if she has anything better to do than stare at him (as if there’s ANYTHING BETTER TO DO), and Arya asks if he’s made her special weapon yet. He reminds her that he has a jillion dragon glass weapons to make, but he’ll get right on that afterward. Arya takes a dragon glass axe from his hand and tells him that she wants her weapon to be stronger than that. He takes the axe back from her and slams it down into a table, telling her it’s strong enough. He walks away and she gives him a look like “whew boy, my loins” and us too, girl. (D: I’m already drooling.)

Gendry goes over to a table piled with dragon glass daggers. He tells her that it’s gonna be safer down in the Crypts of Safety where the women and children are gonna wait out the battle that everyone assumes they’re going to lose. Arya asks if he’s going to be down in the crypts. He tells her no. She asks if he’s a fighter. He’s done his share. It’s a kind of little share, but he has fought wights. Arya wants to know more about the wights, and he says that they’re bad. Arya knows that he can give a better description than that even if he is a “smith’s apprentice” who’s not so good with the words and the talking. She asks him how hard they are to kill. Gendry tells her that he knows that she wants to fight and he knows, from experience, that she wasn’t scared of rapers or murderers even when she was like, 9 years old but, this is different. The white walkers are death. That’s what they’re like– death. 

Arya pauses for a moment and picks up one of the daggers. She starts giving the speech from the season 8 trailer about how she knows death’s many faces and looks forward to seeing this one while perfectly throwing knives into a wooden post over Gendry’s shoulder. He looks down at her like WTF? When did you learn this?? But after she throws the last one he laughs. She crosses in front of him and asks about her weapon again. He tells her he’ll get right on it. Arya walks away, and Gendry looks impressed/turned on. Again, I am not making this up. Knife throwing being Gendry’s kink is canon now. 

Mari: If everyone reading can wait to Google knife throwing lessons until we finish this recap, that’d be great.

Diva: Hold your knives, people. The Gendry’s canonical kink discussion is not over yet.

Catherine: Godswood. Bran is sitting out by the face tree again with no one around. Jaime approaches to do the whole “sorry I tried to murder you to cover up my incest” thing. Jaime insists that he’s not that person anymore and that Cersei’s pussy is poison. He didn’t say that last part but he may as well have. Bran says that he would still be Evil!Jaime if he hadn’t pushed him out a window and Bran would still be Brandon Stark. Jaime is like “Uhhh, I thought you were Brandon Stark?” and Bran says that he’s something else now. Jaime asks Bran why he didn’t snitch during the council meeting/trial thing. Bran says that Jaime wouldn’t be able to help during living vs. dead battle if he let him get all executed. Jaime asks about afterwards, and Bran asks him how he knows there is an afterwards. Because we’ve got four episodes left, fam. 

Mari: I think Not Bran just picked Jaime for his Season 8 Death Pool.

Diva: Join the club, Not Bran.

Catherine: Winterfell Courtyard. Tyrion meets up with Jaime as people ready for battle around them. Tyrion comments about them being together again and some Winterfell rando spits at them from Sansa’s dragwalks (the catwalks where Sansa goes to drag people). Jaime asks how the people feel about their new queen, and Tyrion reminds him that Dany is his queen, too. He says that the people are wary of Targaryens and dragons but that they’ll come around. IDK about that. Remembering is like, the north’s whole thing. 

Jaime points out the tension between Dany and Tyrion, and Tyrion says that he deserves it because he underestimated Cersei. He thought that Cersei’s pregnancy had changed her. Guess he forgot about how her babies come out evil sometimes. Tyrion asks if she was lying about the pregnancy altogether and Jaime tells him that she wasn’t, though she’s always been good at using the truth to compliment her lies. He says that she fooled him more than anyone, and Tyrion gives him a look. He tells him that Jaime was the only person who always knew exactly what Cersei was and loved her anyway. Probably because, if you recall, he used to be Evil!Jaime but now he’s not. 

Up on the battlements, Tyrion and Jaime look out over the courtyard as Tyrion maudlins about how they are gonna die at Winterfell of all places. He does a callback to his line from season one about dying in bed at the age of 80 with a belly full of wine and a girl’s mouth around his cock. Jaime finishes the line for him because I guess this wasn’t just something Tyrion thought up on the spot to save his life from the Hill Tribesman and more of a catchphrase for him. Also canon now. 

Tyrion starts talking about how he’ll at least get to take pleasure in the fact that Cersei won’t get to murder him but Jaime gets distracted by someone out on the battlefield. Of course, it’s Brienne. I know, Jaime, we all love her too. As Jaime and Tyrion look out over the battlefield we get to see that someone has outfitted the battlements of Winterfell with what looks like sharp little jagged pieces of dragon glass to slow down anything trying to climb up the walls. Which I thought was a neat idea and a cool detail. 

Diva: Wait, someone made a smart tactical defensive decision before this battle? Must have been Sansa, because Jon Snow is not a planner and Dany doesn’t give a shit.

Catherine: Oh, for sure it was Sansa. 

Down on the field, we get a panning shot of men training and Grey Worm approving some type of breakaway bridge that opens into a ditch. Another method to slow down the wights. 

Jaime approaches Brienne as she is watching Podrick spar with someone else. They greet each other cordially but kinda coldly. Jaime says that Podrick has come a long way. Brienne answers that he’s alright but he still has a lot to learn. They start to walk and talk but it’s awkward as hell with him. Clearly there’s a lot of tension and unresolved stuff between them but neither wants to be the first person to bring it up… until Brienne snaps and asks him WTF he’s doing. She points out that they’ve never had a conversation this long without him insulting her. He’s like, “you want me to insult you?” And she’s like “No!” And they both say “good” before going quiet for a moment. 

Diva: You could cut the sexual tension with a KNIFE. And then use those knife skills to SEDUCE GENDRY. (M: A+)

Catherine: Jaime speaks first, saying that he came to Winterfell because he wanted to serve under her command, basically. Brienne looks affected but doesn’t say anything besides that she needs to get back to Podrick. Jaime watches her walk away. 

Dany’s Chambers (I think?). Dany is brooding into the fire when Jorah comes in. He wants to talk to her about Tyrion. He says that it broke his heart when he heard that she’d named Tyrion Hand. Dany assures him that she only did that because she thought she’d never see him again. Dany says that she didn’t think he even liked Tyrion and Jorah says that he didn’t because when they were on their little road trip together to find her, Tyrion never shut the hell up. But Tyrion is smart. Dany reminds him that Tyrion has made mistakes, and Jorah reminds her that they’ve all made mistakes. At least Tyrion learns from his and tries to be better. He wants Dany to forgive Tyrion. Also, he has one other suggestion i.e. Dany’s social calendar. 

Cut to Sansa talking with Lord Royce in another room. They’re talking War Stuff and closing the gates to Winterfell. When they notice Dany they both stand. Dany asks if she can speak to Sansa alone and Lord Royce looks to Sansa to be dismissed. She nods and he leaves but not before kind of reluctantly bowing to Dany on the way out. 

Dany says that she thought they were on the same wavelength about Jaime for a second there before Brienne stepped in. Sansa says that she trusts Brienne more than anyone because, in fairness, Brienne is like the only person in her life that hasn’t gone back on their word and isn’t a creepy psychic teenager. Dany says that she wishes she felt the same about her advisors. Sansa says that Tyrion is a good man and that he was only ever kind to her. 

Oh! I should point out. Sansa is wearing THE MOST amazing black leather armor/dress during this scene. It is elegant and deadly and everything. So remember to picture that. 

Diva: Seriously. It’s important. Her circle chain necklace thing is VERY COOL.

Catherine: Anyway, Dany says that she’s not here to become America’s Next Top Best Friend and she didn’t ask Tyrion to become her Hand because he was nice. She asked him because he was clever and could be ruthless (and also, as she just admitted, her first option was on vacation). Dany says that Tyrion never should have trusted Cersei and Sansa points out that Dany shouldn’t have trusted her either. What they SHOULD have done was stop by Winterfell first, pick up Sansa and bring her down to that King’s Landing jam sesh last season. She would have called foul on Cersei in like, a minute. But they didn’t. And here we are. 

Mari: Good on Sansa for pointing out that most of Dany’s saltiness toward Tyrion probably actually stems from the fact that Cersei fooled Dany, too. Should Tyrion have known better? Sure. But that doesn’t take away from the fact that Cersei fooled literally everyone except Sansa on her dragwalk, scoffing at Tyrion for thinking a Lannister army was coming.

Catherine: Sansa reminds her that family can be complicated and Dany gives her a small smile and agrees. They both sit. Dany points out that they have a lot in common. For instance, they’re both pantsuit wearing lady leaders in a world of men. But she can’t help but feel that they’re at odds with one another. Dany asks why that is and, when Sansa doesn’t reply, she takes a guess that it’s because she’s dating Jon. Sansa says that Jon loves her and men do stupid things for women and that they’re easily manipulated. Damn, and she wasn’t even on the dragwalk for that one. 

Dany says that she has only ever wanted the Iron Throne until she met Jon. Now, she wants the Iron Throne AND that dick. She points out that she came to Winterfell to fight Jon’s war and asks who really manipulated whom. Sansa looks like she thinks that’s kinda sweet. She says that she should have thanked Dany for giving them aid the moment she arrived. Dany puts her hand over Sansa’s on the table and assures her that she is there because she loves Jon, and she knows that he’s true to his word. Apparently he’s only the second man in her life that she can say that about. Sansa asks who the first man was and Dany jokes that it was someone taller. Jon Snow height jokes are always hilarious, so they both share a laugh for a minute and there’s a second where they seem like their gonna be friends before Sansa, genuinely and not trying to start shit, asks Dany what happens after the living vs dead battle. From somewhere nearby probably Bran shouts “WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK THERE’S GONNA BE AN AFTERWARDS?!” 

 
  

Mari: He’s drowned out by Mari screaming, “WHY IS DANY SO BAD AT THIS?”

Diva: And also Diva screaming at Sansa, “THE QUEEN IN THE NORTH!”

Catherine: Maester Not Luwin comes in and interrupts to tell them a thing. 

Outside in the council room, Theon is the thing. He’s back with his Iron Islands buddies and a new, luxurious  and thick hairdo. Theon bows to Dany, and she asks about his sister. Theon tells her that Yara went back to the Iron Islands to take them back for Dany. Dany asks why he’s there and Theon looks at Sansa and says that he wants to fight for Winterfell. He asks Sansa if she’ll have him and she cries and runs up to hug him. Dany looks peeved again. It’s probably time to point out that there is a strong theme in this episode of Dany trying to rule Winterfell while everyone defers to Sansa. Whether because they’re used to Sansa ruling them, because the writers are inferring that she is better at winning their hearts or because of that FUCKING dress, who knows. Probably all three, though. 

Mari: Dany has done absolutely nothing but roll in with dragons to eat their livestock (and their people if they aren’t careful), glare at them all, and speak through gritted teeth. Yes, she’s there to help, but she has the air of a conquering queen, not a humble servant. “If you live, I shall rule you,” isn’t a heartwarming campaign slogan. This is Sansa’s home and her people. People bow to Dany because they have to, but they help Sansa because they want to. Plus, that leather armor is the best. 

Diva: Theon and Sansa weeping in each other’s arms hit me in a way I really did not anticipate. Emmys for everyone. I’m gonna go cry in a corner.

Catherine: All true and accurate.

Courtyard. Davos doles out soup to a line of people even though that seems outside of his job description. He’s just that kinda guy, tbh. A random Winterfell Jeff (the new line of Jeffs for the new season) tells Davos that they’re not soldiers and Davos tells him they are now as kind of a brush off. But then when he notices the guy looks kinda scared, he tells Jeff that he made it through most of his years without ever getting near a fight but then he survived the Battle of the Bastards and if he can live through that, Jeff Who is Definitely Gonna Die can live through this. 

Nearby, Gilly is telling some lady Jeff that she’ll be down in the Crypts of Safety because they are the safest. Can I just say that now that they let Gilly shower regularly she looks fucking beautiful in every episode? Her hair is pretty when it’s clean! 

Mari: I can’t tell if you are Team Gilly or Team Shower.

Catherine: I can be both.

A child Jeff approaches Davos and asks where she should go during the battle, the crypts or the battlefield. If you remember, it was a plot point last season that they are arming everyone over the age of ten, including women. Although this kinda negates the need for the Crypts of Safety (which are very safe), but I guess they’re just gonna be for babies and some women or something. Davos looks stymied by the girl’s question. It’s important, I think, to note that the little girl has a burn scar covering the side of her face in much the same way Shireen had greyscale covering hers and obviously this is making Dadvos feel his feelings. (M: Thanks, show, for reminding us of that particular bit of tragedy.) The girl says that since her brothers were soldiers, she wants to fucking destroy some white walkers. Gilly overhears and says that she and Little Sam are going to be in the Crypts of Safety (very safe) and she’ll feel a lot better knowing the little girl is down there to protect them. The little girl agrees to defend the crypt. I fucking hope she’s actually a good fighter. 

Diva: Burn them all, Child Jeff.

Catherine: Davos and Gilly watch her walk away but a horn blows to announce someone’s arrival at the gates. Jon, who hasn’t been in any scenes since the first one and who, apparently, was just eating cheese puffs and crying somewhere, comes out to see that Definitely Edd has made it to Winterfell. Sam hugs Edd and Jon smiles and rushes over to hug him but gets pile-drived by Tormund before he can. I’m not exaggerating. Here’s a gif: 

Tormund and Jon have an oddly romantic moment where Tormund calls Jon his ‘little crow,’ and Jon says he thought they’d lost him.

Diva: This was the part where I couldn’t believe I hadn’t written this episode. I will ship them forever. #OTP #Jonmund4LyfeAndAfterlyfe

Catherine: Jon hugs Edd and shakes hands with Beric. They tell him that the Last Hearth is the Lost Hearth now and the Umbers are fighting for the Night King. Tormund says that the dead are so close they had to circle around them to get there and whoever is not here now is part of the army of the dead. Which should be obvious, since every named character is already in Winterfell. (D: And a lot of Jeffs!) Tormund says that they only have ’till morning before the dead make it there. Then he without pause asks if Brienne is there. 

Jon does a voiceover about the dead coming as we see more battle preparations and just a lil’ second of Gendry handing things to people. The voiceover ends with Jon standing at a strategy table. The table has a map of Winterfell with little checkers showing the army of the living and A LOT more checkers showing the army of the dead. So many checkers. They must have had to break open like so many boxes of checkers. 

Diva: Sansa is pissed. She’s got the North covered, but she didn’t order enough boxes of checkers for the Dothraki and the Unsullied AND two full-grown dragons!

Catherine: It was a toss up between that and them grains and she went grains.

Everyone Ever is also standing around the table, Sansa, Arya, Dany, Tyrion, Jorah, Theon, you get the picture. Jon says that their best chance might be getting to the Night King. If you recall, killing the Night King will kill all of the wights instantly, as he created them all. Jaime points out that the Night King will never expose himself if that’s the case. Bran creeps from the corner and says that the Night King will come for him. Apparently he wants to kill That’s So Raven to fully destroy the world of men, since Bran’s the only one with an HBO GO subscription. Also, he’s tried to kill other Three-Eyed Ravens in the past. I feel like this is all information that Bran could have given them weeks ago, but I can’t be too hard on him. Creeping around Winterfell and watching people bang in his mind takes up a lot of energy. 

Mari: He was waiting in the courtyard for Jaime to arrive for so long. He timed that stare down perfectly, he couldn’t be informing people of useful information for their impending war.

Diva: In Bran’s defense, if I were the sum history of human knowledge and memory, on the brink of the snowpocalypse, I definitely would just watch people bang and wait for my former nemeses to arrive so I can stare at them dramatically.

Catherine: Sam does a sad speech about death being the ultimate act of forgetting and the show cuts to Dany looking slightly ashamed. Unless I’m projecting that. Tyrion asks how the Night King will find Bran and Bran shows them the mark that the Night King left on his arm a few seasons ago. Apparently the mark works like Find A Friend and it means the Night King always knows what his teenager is doing. 

Jon offers to put Bran in the Crypts of Safety (where it is safe and not dangerous) but Bran refuses, saying he needs to be out in the Godswood as bait to draw out the Night King. I’m thinking he heard about how the crypts are being guarded solely by an 8 year-old. (M: Don’t need to be possessed by raven to see that that’s bad news.) (D: How dare you – Child Jeff will save us all! *sobs*) Sansa and Arya aren’t cool with using Bran as bait, but Theon offers to stay with him to defend him. He tells Bran that he took Winterfell from him seasons ago and wants to defend him now. Bran nods emotionlessly, but Sansa looks touched as does everyone else. Tyrion says that he and Davos are going to give the signal to light the trench. Dany says that Davos is perfectly capable of waving a torch on his own and she wants Tyrion in the Crypts of Safety and Babies. Tyrion argues that he should risk his life with everyone else and Dany insists that they’re all dumb and he’s smart and she needs him to live. Tyrion finally nods, clearly pleased that she seems to have forgiven him. 

Davos says that the dragons will give them an edge at least and Jon’s like, no because they’re gonna be protecting Bran instead of taking out huge swaths of the dead in one fell swoop. (M: They have two dragons, which if my math is right, is literally how you can be in two places at once.) They need to be close enough to Bran to protect him but not so close that the Night King won’t take the chance and try for him. Arya asks if dragon fire will stop the Night King and Bran, for the first time in like 3 seasons, admits that he doesn’t know. No one has tried to kill the Night King with dragon fire before. Everyone goes quiet.

Mari: I feel like the Children of the Forest threw fire grenades at the Night King and he just like danced through them. Is dragon fire just like super fire? Or are we banking on these dragons to kill the Night King when he’s just gonna Cool Guys Don’t Look at Explosions them?

Catherine: I have no idea. But I do know that they did have super fire at one point with wildfire and Cersei wasted it all burning Margaery and all of the NotMargaerys that were in the Sept. So if everyone dies, it’s automatically Cersei’s fault. 

Tormund points out that they’re all going to die but at least they’re together, while looking at Brienne. Jon tells everyone to get some rest. Dany stays behind to talk to Jon and gets blown off yet again. 

Tyrion and Bran also stay behind. Tyrion asks if he needs help getting anywhere and Bran, who has been getting around Winterfell like it’s ADA certified, says that he’s good. Tyrion asks him about his journey and Bran’s like, eh, it’s a long story. Tyrion points out that they’re trapped in a castle with nowhere to go. 

Courtyard. Messandei approaches two little girls who give her a wary look before quickly walking away. She looks a bit hurt before Grey Worm walks up. He tells her that he’s not sure that there is going to be a place for them after Dany wins the throne. He plans to fight for her until then but afterward…well, he doesn’t want to die in a country where everyone has been super racist and weird to him so far. Fair. He asks Messandei where she wants to go. She wants to go back home to Naath to see the beaches again. He tells her that he’s gonna take her there. So one of them is for sure gonna die. That scene was the equivalent of the part in every cop movie where the old guy says he’s one day away from retirement. 

Mari: It’s true but completely unfair because all they want is a beach without racists. They deserve it.

Catherine: I want that for them. Actually, I kinda want that for all of us.

Night falls and Jon stands on top of a wall brooding, as he loves to do. Sam is with him and Ghost! Who is present in this scene but has no lines. Guess they didn’t pay him enough.

Mari: GHOST! Hey boy! Hey! C’mere Ghost. Who’s a good dog? I love you, Ghost!

Diva: Give Ghost his SAG card! We need more Ghost!

Catherine: Sam asks Jon if he’s told Dany about his parentage and Jon says no. Definitely Edd comes up to see them and says “and now our watch begins” to be ironic. Jon asks about Gilly and Little Sam and Sam says that they are going down into the Crypts of Safety (That Are The Safest Place Ever). Jon tells Sam that he can join them if he wants and Sam looks offended. He reminds everyone of his laundry list of badassery, which begins with being the first man to kill a white walker but ends with stealing a bunch of books. So I guess it was a sliding scale. Sam says they need him out on the field. Edd says that him being a “slayer of white walkers” and “lover of ladies” is a sure sign the world is ending. Sam reminisces about The Wall and how they’re the only ones left from their Watch gang. Edd says that the last man left should burn the rest of them, which is a thing they said a few times during battles at The Wall. 

Inside the Winterfell Great Hall, Tyrion and Jaime are drinking by the fire. Tyrion says that he wishes their father was there and Jaime looks at him like he’s crazy since Tyrion, ya know, killed the guy. Tyrion clarifies that he’d love to see the look on Tywin’s face when he realizes his two sons are about to die defending Winterfell. Jaime legit snort laughs. Tyrion remembers back to season one when they were last at Winterfell, and he was a drunken whoremonger. He calls it a simpler time. Jaime says that it wasn’t that simple because he was fucking his sister and was Tyrion’s literal only friend in the world. Jaime says that Tyrion could always go back to whoremongering if he wanted to. Tyrion is all sad face because he knows that he’s too good of a dude now to be a drunken wastrel. IDK dude, give it time. This battle might take a lot out of all of us. 

Diva: I, for one, will be drinking heavily for the duration of Sunday night. 

Catherine: Hard same. And eating ice-cream.

They toast and the door opens behind them. Jaime instantly stands up when he realizes that it’s Brienne coming in with Podrick. Tyrion clearly notices that there is a vibe there. Brienne says that they were just looking for somewhere warm and they didn’t mean to interrupt. Tyrion offers them a drink and Podrick accepts but Brienne moms him about how the battle might start at any moment and he shouldn’t be drinking. A second later she relents and lets him have half a cup. There’s a great moment where Brienne and Jaime are talking but the camera focuses on Tyrion pouring Podrick’s cup until it overflows and they smile at each other. 

Brienne agrees to join them since none of them are going to be able to sleep anyway. Davos comes in wanting to stand in front of the fire. Tormund walks in, or…well, stalks in, staring at Brienne the whole time. He stands in front of her and reminds her that it could be their last night in this world. There is a shot of Brienne awkwarding about how she’s glad that he’s there… to fight in the battle while Jaime tries to hide his smile in the background. I’m on board for this love triangle because I think the concept of a love triangle involving Tormund is amazing. 

Diva: His heart belongs to his little crow, but I’ll allow it. Also – everything about this scene is perfect.

Catherine: Tyrion offers Tormund a drink but he holds up a horn and says that he brought his own. Tormund turns his attention to Jaime, acknowledging that they call him “King Killer.” Jamie’s like, uh… kinda and Tormund says that they call him Giantsbane and asks if he wants to know why. I’m going to need anyone who is reading this and hasn’t heard about this part to buckle up and brace yourself. 

Tormund pulls up a chair and sits down. He says that when he was a boy of 10 he killed a giant. Brienne and Jaime seem kind of impressed for a moment before he continues. Apparently, after killing the giant he climbed into bed with the giant’s wife and she, confused and thinking Tormund was her baby, SUCKLED HIM AT HER BREAST. FOR THREE MONTHS. That’s why he’s so strong, because he got three months of giant’s titty milk. I need to know if this story is true, and I also need to know why it definitely is. 

After saying this, Tormund starts chugging what was in his drink horn– milk. The milk runs down his beard while everyone else in the room looks on with a mixture of fascination and horror. Davos is just like, I need a fucking drink after all. 

Diva: I have never laughed harder at this show. This scene is still perfect and I don’t care what any of you think. Tormund Giantbane has nine hours left to live and you KNOW this is EXACTLY how that motherfucker is going to go out, especially if he can’t be making tender love to Jon Snow.

Catherine: This was probably my favorite Tormund moment of all time and that’s saying something because like, all of his scenes have been gold.

Battlements. The Hound is drinking too. Arya walks up to him, and he rolls his eyes at her. She sits down next to him, and he offers her the wine bladder. There is a long awkward silence that The Hound breaks by commenting that she never used to shut up and now she’s quiet all the time. Arya says that she’s changed. She asks why he came to Winterfell and why he’s helping Jon. She says that he’s never fought for anyone but himself, and The Hound comments that he fought for her once. (M: Yo, that’s as good as an admission that he’s here for her.) (D: *nods* *sniffles*) There’s another silence until Beric comes up. The Hound is sick of all these reunions and says he might as well be at a wedding. Well, a bunch of people are probably gonna die.  

Mari: And Arya will slit the throats and poison those responsible? *crosses fingers*

Catherine: We can hope!

Beric greets Arya but she’s not having it. The Hound asks if Beric was on her list and she says that he was for a little while. If you remember, it was because Beric sold Gendry to The Red Woman. I mean, most of you probably don’t remember. I remember. 

Beric starts going on about how they were all brought there by the Lord of Light, and The Hound interrupts him by saying that he hopes he’s not about to give a sermon because it would be awfully confusing for the Lord of Light to bring Beric back a jillion times just for him to get chucked off the top of the battlements. Beric laughs and holds his hand out for the wine bladder. Arya stands up and starts to walk away. The Hound asks her where she’s going. She tells him that she doesn’t intend to spend her final hours with them two miserable old shits. Apparently, she has something better to do. 

Cut to the better thing Arya’s gonna do. I’m gonna need someone to mist me with cold water while recapping this. 

Arya goes to some storage room in the castle where she can practice archery alone. Gendry stands in the shadows by the door for a long moment watching her which is just the most ROMANTIC–no, I’m getting ahead of myself and I need to calm down. He finally walks into the room, and she notices him. He holds up the weapon he made for her. It’s sort of a big spear thing with two dragon glass points on the ends. Arya spins it around a few times and judges it satisfactory. She looks kind of in awe of it, probably because making a weapon for your bae is better than flowers. 

Gendry looks almost anxious watching her spin it around. Clearly he’s still wishing that she wasn’t going to be fighting. He reminds her that the last time they spoke, she wanted him to come to Winterfell to work for Robb. He’s all like, look I made it here eventually. Arya asks what The Red Woman wanted with him all those years ago. As she asks she paces to him while spinning the weapon around and he legit jumps back a step. 

Diva: Gendry is equal parts aroused and intimidated, and honestly so am I.

Catherine: Gendry reluctantly tells her that The Red Woman wanted his blood for a spell. Arya asks why she wanted his blood, and Gendry admits that he’s King Bobby B’s bastard son. For the first time in, like three years, Arya looks surprised. Gendry continues by telling her about how The Red Woman stripped him down and put leeches all over him. Arya looks apologetic and then contemplative and then goes back to her usual mask of indifference. Am I putting too much detail into this? 

Diva: How dare you even ask me that. Please write a sonnet about each of Gendry’s abs individually.)

Catherine: What rhymes with ‘I want to eat pancakes off of them’?

Arya asks him if that was his first time. 

 

I’m screaming. Arya is really out here being moronsexual. 

She’s like no, I meant your first time with a woman, ffs. Gendry seems offended and insists that he wasn’t with The Red Woman. Which is fair, because it was pretty much like two pumps and then leeches. Arya asks if he was with other girls in King’s Landing. As she’s asking she starts taking off her gloves. (D: My heart stopped when she took that glove off, I swear to god.) Gendry stutters for a minute, and she asks him if he doesn’t remember. Throughout this whole conversation, she’s clearly coming on to him and he clearly has no idea and is just irritated that she seems to be giving him an inquisition about his sex life for no apparent reason. My GOD. My love for this scene is IMMENSE. 

He admits that he was with other girls. She’s asks him like one or two or like twenty? He insists that he didn’t keep count and she’s like yeah, ya did. This makes him admit that it was three. Arya, a sex positive legend, apparently, seems to feel like that’s an acceptable experience level to suit her needs. She takes a few steps closer to him so that she’s in his space, looking up at him and reminds him that they’re probably going to die in the morning. That’s some Stark dirty talk. She says that she wants to know what it’s like before that happens. Gendry finally seems to understand what she’s getting at. He looks down at her with his beautiful blue eyes like a stormy winter sea–whoops! I fell back on my romance novel instincts again. My bad. 

There’s a long moment of them staring at each other before Gendry starts to say something, but he only gets out “Arya, I–” before she pounces on him. They kiss for a minute before girlfriend starts trying to get his shirt of because she understands us. Now that Gendry’s shirt is off I feel it is my civic duty to provide gifs: 

 

We watch this show for the plot. 

Diva: Good luck getting me to stop watching that gif of Gendry hitting the mattress sacks of grain long enough to finish commenting on this post. 

Catherine: I swear I was so distracted the first time watching this that I didn’t even notice they’re fucking on the food stores. Ya’ll, that’s so gross why am I so here for it?

Mari: 

Catherine: Anyway, Arya, who is very in control of this whole sexperience, takes off her own clothes. As she’s pulling up her shirt, Gendry clearly notices the deep, jagged scars all over her stomach and looks concerned but doesn’t say anything. I’m pretty sure those are the scars from when The Waif stabbed her a bunch and she almost died in Braavos but I might be wrong. They are kinda weirdly placed for that as at least two are on her side. 

After Arya takes off her top she reminds him that she’s not The Red Woman, and he better take his own fucking pants off. I feel like I wrote this. Did I black out and write this script? (D: RIGHT?!?!) Gendry, who is still both scared and horny, a combination I’m now going to be referring to as scorny, complies with haste. Unfortunately the most we see is him start to take them off before the camera cuts away. Just to make sure, I rewatched this part multiple times for research. To benefit the site. 

Arya gets on top of him and he looks up at her in awe again as she leans down to kiss him. The scene cuts away even though I could watch an entire show of just this. But I guess that would technically just be porn.  

There has been a lot of talk about this scene and a few people seemed pretty creeped out that we saw Arya have a sex scene and saw Maisie Williams’ butt. Personally I was merely filled with pride. I’m so happy that Arya got to nail the hottest guy on the show and took charge of her sexuality like that. She’s been my fav character this whole time, but I didn’t ever want her on the Iron Throne. Gendry was the only thing I wanted her to sit on. 

Mari: A+, I’m dead. I also saw a bunch of mild outrage. I’ll admit that I’m surprised because “this woman used to be a child!” is a weird take. Also, this is (I believe) the first time we’ve seen a woman consent to losing her virginity. Arya’s who arc has been about losing and gaining agency– becoming no one, becoming someone, becoming her own kind of Stark and woman. I’m at least for how much this was on Arya’s terms.  

Diva: This show, of all shows, gave us a healthy and empowering and sex-positive scene with the thirst trap of our dreams AND our badass murdery teen sister because she’s a goddamn grownup in charge of her own body. I love it SO MUCH. A million seasons ago, Arya told Gendry that she could be his family. A million seasons ago, King Robert told Ned Stark, “I have a son, you have a daughter, let’s join our houses.” This storyline, for the show, actually feels earned. Our girl is Arya Stark of Winterfell; take off your own damn pants. Oh, and anyone who shrugs at Arya cooking dudes into pies but clutches their pearls at her sideboob is a stupid fucking Jeff.

Catherine: GREAT points. Thank you both for officially sanctioning my thirst.

Back in the Grand Hall, the Titty Milk gang has gotten solemn. Tyrion points out that almost everyone in the room has fought the Starks at some point or another and now they’re going to defend them. Brienne says that at least they’re going to die with honor. Tyrion admits that he thinks they might live. Everyone cracks the fuck up because that’s an absolutely ludicrous suggestion. Tyrion points out that everyone in that room has survived an assload of unwinnable battles. Davos survived the BlackWater, Jaime the Siege of Pyke, Brienne defeated The Hound. Tyrion calls Brienne Ser before correcting himself and saying Lady. 

Tormund, feminist icon, asks why Brienne isn’t a ser. Brienne tells him that women can’t be knights because of tradition. Tormund says fuck tradition. Tormund ftw. Brienne says that she doesn’t even want to be a knight but she says it the same way I say I’m not gonna finish off an entire chocolate Easter bunny in one evening so like, clearly it’s a lie. Tormund says that if he were a king he’d knight Brienne ten times over. I’m thinking that’s not all he wants to do to her ten times over, but I might just have residual horniness from the last scene. 

Diva: It’s 100% both. Tormund is drooling all over Brienne in this scene, and also we are all residually horny.

Catherine: Jaime says that you don’t have to be a king to knight someone, apparently any old one-handed, love-sick knight can do it. He says he’s gonna prove it and asks her to kneel in front of him. Brienne laughs it off at first but it’s clear that he’s totally serious. She stands up and seems to be collecting her thoughts for a moment before she walks over to him. Tyrion and Tormund also stand respectfully to watch in a really cute detail. 

Jaime knights Brienne in a very emotional moment. Brienne looks like she’s barely holding it together until Jaime tells her to rise and calls her a Knight of the Seven Kingdoms. Everyone claps and Brienne tears up and smiles beautifully. It’s everything she’s wanted her whole life. I’m fucking sobbing. 

Mari: First, that smile lights up my life. And then I’m sad again because Brienne’s arc is so complete, SHE COULD DIE.

Finally, back in the episode we did for the ASOIAF short story collection, A Knight of the Seven Kingdoms, we freaked out about the fan theory that Brienne is a descendant of Dunc. There is some thin evidence, most of which is THEY ARE BOTH TALL, but look! Look! This episode shares a name with the Dunc stories, I CRY.

Diva: I’m ugly-crying too hard to do much more than nod, but oh my God, this scene was the greatest gift this show has ever given us – and that INCLUDES canonical Gendry knife kinks.

Catherine: I refuse to believe that she is going to die and if I refuse to believe it then, legally, it can’t happen. I’m pretty sure that’s how that works. 

Outside. Sam approaches Jorah and Bearboss as they have an argument. Jorah is trying to convince Bearboss to stay in the crypts during the battle, but Lyanna Mormont who–actually, I’m not sure if we’ve ever even noted this before but she is LYANNA FUCKING MORMONT– ain’t having it. She’s gonna fight, and she’s gonna probably kill the Night King with her bear hands. 

Jorah tries to insist that she’s the future of their house but Bearboss takes the opportunity of Sam walking up to end the conversation that she has decided is now ended because she’s amazing. She peaces out after wishing Jorah good luck not dying. 

Mari: As soon as I saw that these two were sharing space, I began to actually cry. He defers to her as the future of their house and she wishes him luck not dying. It’s everything I wanted.

Catherine: It was perfect for a short scene with the two of them. 

Sam wants to give Jorah his family sword (the one he stole from his now dead dad, Heartsbane). He says that the sword is made of Valyrian steel so it can kill wights and Jorah’s dad, Lord Commander Mormont taught him everything about how to be a man and do good things and also Sam can’t really lift the sword anyway. Jorah accepts the sword and says he’ll use it to “guard the realms of men.” Sam says he’ll see Jorah after the battle none of them are going to survive and that he hopes they win. Me too, my guy. 

Mari: Jorah makes peace with the Mormonts, receives a family sword, blessed Tyrion as hand to Dany and gave her the best advice she’s gotten in like a million seasons. He’s out here living his closed arc life. Everyone truly is going to die.

Diva: I spent half the episode preemptively crying at everyone’s lovely character growth and completed plot loops because EVERYONE IS GOING TO DIE.

Catherine: Again, I’ve been reviewing some legal documents about our feelings and we are allowed to sue the writers if they hurt our hearts in any way next week. So, I’m sure there is nothing to worry about. 

Back in the Great Hall, they’ve run out of wine so everyone wants to bounce. Tyrion insists that they stay, probably because he doesn’t want to try and sleep when he’s terrified that he and everyone he loves is going to die tomorrow. He asks if anyone knows a song. He looks to Davos, Brienne and Tormund but none of them are interested in singing. Of course, Podrick starts singing and of course Podrick, the Pussy Slayer, has a beautiful singing voice. No word if this is what he did to those prostitutes that they liked so much. 

He sings a song called ‘Jenny of Old Stones’ which, I’m told is in the books? 

Diva: I’ll just link to the wiki because I’ll sob if I explain it, but it’s supposed to be the saddest sweetest song of all time, and I can’t believe how hard the show lived up to that. I actually just had to stop and watch the lyric video of it and cry my fucking face off for a bit.

Catherine: As Podrick sings, the scene cuts to where everyone is spending the night before the battle. First it’s Sam and Gilly, laying in bed with adorable Little Sam between them. They are both awake and staring at each other in silence as Little Sam sleeps. Then it’s Sansa who is eating with Theon. She smiles at him and gives him a look that many are saying means she’s romantically interested in him. I’m not sure if I agree but I’m also not willing to rule it out. 

Mari: It’s not my favorite pairing. Theon is too broken and Sansa needs an equal. I don’t hate that they are spending this time together, though. She seems to be out among the people, but sitting with him and eating. They both experienced some things together. It makes sense for there to be a strong connection.

Diva: I want them to eat soup together and embrace like family and make me weep and absolutely not do sex with each other. 

Catherine: Next is Gendry, the only person who is actually sleeping because Arya tired him out, I guess. But Arya is awake next to him looking forlorn. They’re both covered in his cloak. Outside, a battalion of Unsullied march out of the castle walls and Grey Worm and Messandei bid each other goodbye with a sad kiss. Jorah, on horseback, scans the trees in the distance for signs of li– um, I mean zombies. 

Crypts of Safety (Super Safe). Jon is brooding when Dany finds him. He’s staring at Lyanna’s statue instead of Ned’s this time. Dany approaches him and waits until he gives her a sad smile.

 

She comes up behind him and rests her chin on his shoulder, asking who the statue is. He tells her who it is and this makes Dany remember that her brother, Rhaeger maybe sort of raped Lyanna. But this always confused Dany because when she was growing up everyone told her that Rhaeger was decent and kind. Four for Dany for believing the victim. Jon spoiler alerts her that Rhaeger didn’t rape Lyanna, he loved her. Dany looks confused as Jon turns and takes her hands in his. He tells her about Rhaeger and Lyanna’s secret celebrity wedding and their secret prince son. Dany looks like she’s slowly understanding what Jon is saying and fully gets it when Jon explains about Ned raising the boy as his bastard. When he tells her his real name, she breathes shakily and steps away. She doesn’t want to believe it. She thinks it’s suspicious that only Bran and Sam were able to ever find this out. I still wonder what happened to the Septon that married them and the nurse that delivered Jon. Were they sniped immediately afterward? Where they at? 

Diva: The nurse is the Night King.

Catherine: What a thing that just made me picture. 

Anyway, as if he hadn’t already worked it out, Dany informs him that this revelation means that he’s the last male Targaryen and he has a claim to the Iron Throne. As if anyone besides her and Cersei even want that fucking thing. Before Jon can reply, a horn blows in the distance to signal that the white walkers are here. Great timing, guys. They are fashionably early. 

Mari: I get that avoiding your aunt-lover must’ve been awkward for Jon, but also, did he need to share this information right now?

Catherine: Really shows that he’s more Stark than Targaryen doesn’t it?  

Jon and Dany race up to the battlements where Tyrion is already watching the ground below. Jon nods at Dany and they both walk off together, leaving Tyrion staring ahead. There is a shot of skeletal horse legs in the snow and a line of White Walkers (the head honcho guys. The Night King’s interior cabinet) as they line up and see Winterfell in the distance. 

End of episode. 

Mari: I’ve been thinking a lot about the ways the past two episodes have doled plot out slowly in order to give us character moments. There are times those moments have worked better than others, but that’s mostly just my feelings for the characters included in the moments. I can see why some people might be disappointed with what could be interpreted as the show just resting on 8 seasons of work, but I’m here for all of this payoff. Some of these moments were character goodbyes, and while they may be characters I don’t want to lose, these were fantastic final moments. The sense of tranquility throughout, even as they made weapons, strategized, and prepared to die, truly came from the completion of arcs, from Jaime’s redemption tour of Winterfell, to Jorah’s riding off with a family sword. I don’t want anyone to die, but I feel somewhat prepared because of this episode.

Whether the Night King shows up at Winterfell or not, whether the Crypts are totally unsafe or completely unsafe, whether Missandei and Grey Worm ever find a beach without racists, whether Winterfell survives or falls, let’s do this.

Diva: This was the best episode of Game of Thrones episode to date. And now, everyone is going to die, and I’ll be here, ugly-crying while listening to Jenny’s song on repeat.  

And finally, #gameofsnark Tweets from last week. You can join us every week while we live-Tweet or add your thoughts whenever you watch using the hashtag. We’ll collect our favorites for the post! 

Next time on Game of Thrones: The Battle of Winterfell in S08 E03.

 

 

 

Catherine (all posts)

I am a 30-something year-old human woman who lives in Maine. I'm a freelance writer who mostly spends time that I should be doing that, watching T.V. I also love reading and comic books way too much.





Marines (all posts)

I'm a 30-something south Floridan who loves the beach but cannot swim. Such is my life, full of small contradictions and little trivialities. My main life goals are never to take life too seriously, but to do everything I attempt seriously well. After that, my life goals devolve into things like not wearing pants and eating all of the Zebra Cakes in the world. THE WORLD.





Catherine (all posts)

I am a 30-something year-old human woman who lives in Maine. I'm a freelance writer who mostly spends time that I should be doing that, watching T.V. I also love reading and comic books way too much.





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