Gilmore Girls S02 E05 – An Aughties-Fonz

Previously: A run away road trip.
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Nick & Nora/Sid & Nancy

Allie:  We begin this episode with our favorite fast-talking duo having breakfast at Luke’s. It’s the first day of junior year and Rory wants to make sure she’s early, just in case. In case of what you ask? Well, in case something happens to her locker and she doesn’t have enough time find good routes to her new classes. This show should really be called “Rory Gilmore’s Undiagnosed Anxiety Disorder.”

Suddenly Lane frantically enters the diner. She’s pleading for Rory to make a stop at some music store in Hartford. Once obliged, she lists off a bunch of CDs she desperately needs. None were Limp Bizkit, so Lane is already doing better than me in the early 2000s.

Lorelai is terrified of making Rory late for school, so it’s time to go, but not before grabbing a couple road donuts. At the counter, she runs into Taylor and a group of Boy Scouts. Someone should probably check on that. They’re hounding Luke to basically do his job, but he just received a seemingly distressing call from his sister. So I’m pretty sure Lorelai stole some donuts. (G: Does he charge her for anything? Stars Hollow’s economy runs on favors, anyway.)

THEME SONG! Thankfully Netflix lets me skip, because I always felt like the song was a little codependent. Idk, maybe I just don’t love my parents enough.

Back in Stars Hollow, Lorelai runs into Luke outside the diner. He has a bunch of overflowing bags and explains his sister, Liz, is sending her rebellious son to live with him, in hopes Luke can help “straighten him out.” The mysterious phone call from earlier explained. “You Luke Danes, the great communicator, is going to straighten him out,” Lorelai scoffs. But Luke’s got it covered! His sister is a total basket case. The kid just needs some stability. He bought him Frosted Flakes and an air mattress. What else could an unruly 17 year old with deep-rooted mother issues from NYC need more than the least delicious cereal ever—fight me—and some good old-fashioned Luke Danes TLC?

Grace: Aw, Luke, you are so much better than the stereotypical “a teenager is the same as a child” assumption. At least get him Pop Tarts.

Allie: Lorelai’s doubtful of Luke’s plan, but still gives him this sage parenting advice, while he pumps up his nephew’s new bed: If you’re going to get him something inflatable, make it a blonde! Jesus Christ, Lorelai, no wonder your mom hates you.

We arrive at the hollowed-halls of Chilton. [Just a quick aside, how much coke do you think was snorted in the Chilton bathrooms?] Thankfully Rory made it to school on time, but now she’s g0t an even bigger problem than her crippling perfectionism—Paris and her girl gang are giving Rory major attitude. We’re talking vicious stares and cold shoulders. Ohhh, so icy. But Rory Gilmore ain’t scared of a bitch—her family came over on the Mayflower—so she marches her plaid-covered ass right up to Paris and proposes a truce. We don’t have to be friends, Rory explains, diplomatically, but we have to coexist for the good of the school newspaper, The Franklin. Paris reluctantly agrees and tells her underlings, Thotiana and Baby Bangs, to lay off Rory, because they’re cool now. Paris reminds Rory the Franklin meeting starts promptly at 4pm.

Back in Stars Hollow, Luke is anxiously awaiting the arrival of his nephew, while melodic la-la-la-la-las lazily warble in the background. Jess walks off the bus like a petite James Dean, hair gelled to the sky, wearing a thermal and a puffer vest on a perfectly sunny day. Bad boys aren’t slaves to mainstream things like temperature.

“Jess,” Luke says. “Luke,” Jess relies. And with that monosyllabic grunt, we’re introduced to Jess Mariano. Just so we’re clear, 16-year-old me loved Jess Mariano. Even now as a grown woman, Jess Mariano could STILL FUCKING GET IT. (G: SAME THO.) Theoretically, pervs. Luke Danes could too, but that’s a conversation for a different episode. I’d love to be a fly on the wall of that weird, little apartment. I bet it smells just terrible. But I digress.

The moment Jess arrives in Stars Hollow, he is visibly uninterested. Luke shows him the diner and the the serial killer hideout he calls an apartment. Luke awkwardly tries to appeal to his Jess. “I’ve got Frosted Flakes,” he says, cheerfully. “That’s GRRRREAT.” Jess is a real smartass, and I think that’s what I like about him. He’s got a bad attitude and a book. I can relate. He leaves the apartment after only a handful of words, telling Luke he’ll be back when he’s back. As Jess walks out onto the streets of Star’s Hollow, “This is Hell,” by Elvis Costello plays behind him. A panoramic shot showcases the idyllic town—friendly faces and fat babies in overalls, tiny ballerinas running through haystacks, business owners decorating for the Fall festival. Jess gives a withering stare and jaywalks into the autumnal-inspired afternoon.

Grace: I laughed out loud. Poor Jess. Is this town big enough for your brooding?

Allie: Back at Chilton, a clock on the wall reads 3:50. Prompt as usual, Rory pulls out a book and plans to wait for the meeting, but soon hears something coming from behind the closed doors. Fucking Paris. (G: Aughhh this makes me squirm with second hand embarrassment.) Rory bolts inside. “Nice of you to join us Miss Gilmore,” the pretty teacher lady chides, as Rory mentally copies her name to her enemies list, “meetings start promptly at 3:15.” Rory is distraught by such an infraction. Tonight she’ll stare in the bathroom mirror while slapping herself repeatedly, but for now, she takes a seat. Because of Rory’s lateness, most of the worthwhile topics have already been assigned, Paris explains, but she can write about the faculty parking lot being repaved. Fucking Paris. After the meeting, Rory is in a blind rage and runs into her almost stepdad, Max Medina, in the hallway. Both parties are awkward af and rush away in silence. Unfortunately for Rory, Paris saw the whole cringe-worthy scene, because she was staring out the window, sinisterly, like a Disney villain.

Back at Luke’s, Lorelai bursts into the diner, running her mouth, like usual. She’s dying to meet the nephew she thought Luke shouldn’t take in. He’s out, somewhere, doing something, Luke tells her. Lorelai loses her shit. She can’t believe Luke would just let this kid wander around Stars Hollow. What if he steals one of Babette’s lawn gnomes or finds out Taylor actually sells coke out of the stockroom at Doose’s? Sorry, for the spoiler. Just then, Jess comes back from his tour of the town. Lorelai enthusiastically introduces herself, acts a little spazzy, and is horribly offended when Jess is a rude teenage boy. (G: I don’t really get her reaction to Jess here. Doesn’t she claim to understand teenagers super well?) But Lorelai has a plan, nonetheless. Luke and Jess should come for a big dinner at her house so the gang can give Jess a real Star’s Hollow welcoming. Luke thinks this is a good idea for some reason. So dinner’s on!

Upstairs in Luke’s studio, now a cozy home for two, Jess is on his air mattress, smoking and shuffling cards, because he’s a stereotype. Ayyyy. Liz calls, checking if Jess made it to town. “Got here at 10 this morning,” Jess sarcastically responds from his blow-up mattress, declining to take her call. Further proving my point, Jess is just a sad, little boy trapped in the body of an aughties-Fonz. It’s tragic. It’s beautiful. Just a reminder, Jess could get it. Luke gets off the phone and tries to comfort Jess, his life in Star’s Hollow won’t be so awful—he’s even arranged a dinner with Lorelai, from earlier, who has a daughter around his age. Jess stares Luke in the eyes, stands up from the air mattress, something impossible to do as an adult, and walks out the door. Total Power Move.

A few days have passed, we’re at the next Franklin meeting. Rory is the first to arrive, even beating Paris. The rest of the members file into the room and Paris emotionally destroys her underling, BabyBangs, after she pitched an idea for a Chilton gossip column. Pretty Teacher Lady starts the meeting by commenting on the impressiveness of Rory’s article on such a mundane topic. She encourages Paris to assign R0ry something meatier this time. Paris obliges, giving Rory a profile on Teacher of the Year, Max Medina. However, we know Paris saw the weird hallway interaction earlier in the episode, so we know that Paris is trying to psychologically break Rory. Just a reminder, they’re 16 years old. (G: Mind games are a beloved high school tradition.)

Back in Star’s Hollow, it’s the evening of the welcome dinner. Sookie is cooking enough food for 10, Jackson is fondling vegetables, Lorelai is talking just to hear herself talk, and Rory is being overly-ambitious at her desk. Jess and Luke arrive a little late. Jess probably had to gel his hair. He comes in and creeps around a little, finding a picture of Rory on the mantel.

The following is a pivotal, important scene, Gilmore fans: the introduction of Jess and Rory. Jess walks into her room after a casual introduction. They exchange one-word pleasantries and he noses around her bookshelf, flipping through Howl by Alan Ginsburg. Rory offers to let him borrow it, but he claims not to read much. With intros out the way, Jess asks Rory how to open her window, so they can ditch dinner and do teenage things on the streets. Rory declines his proposition, because she’s starving and a nerd. She tells Jess this dinner will be great. Trust her. “Don’t I look trustworthy,” Rory teases. Rory if you don’t shut your mouth and climb out that damn window!

  Jess hangs back, snagging a beer from the fridge, and escaping to the porch. He’s too cool for food. Lorelai notices his absence and finds him opening a stolen Heineken, using her porch railing like a little delinquent. Lorelai tries to be cool, thanking him for opening her a beer. She tries to reason with him, assuring him that she knows what it’s like to have shitty parents, but Luke is a great man. He’s lucky. “What are you sleeping with him or something,” Jess spits. Which I think is a totally valid question, but she gets super pissed and storms inside to yell at Luke. “That kid is way more screwed up than you think he is,” Lorelai shouts. Luke reminds her that she was a teen mom and to get off her high horse, because maybe she just got lucky with Rory. (G: I mean, true. Lorelai hasn’t actually had to parent since Rory threw a hissy fit in the pilot episode. She has a Golden Child that doesn’t really qualify her to dole out advice here.) Meanwhile, Rory is somewhere hyperventilating into a paper bag. Luke leaves, slamming the door, both vowing to never speak again. Will these two please just fuck already? I am so bored.

The weekend passes. Luke and Lorelai are still not speaking—even on Danish Day. Rory thinks they need to get over it, but Lorelai insists this fight was different. “This was a bad one, Rory,” she explains, “this was not Nick and Nora, this was Sid and Nancy, and I’m not going in there.” Hence, the title of this episode.

At Chilton, it’s time for the anxiously-awaited Max interview. Both parties seem a little uncomfortable but forge forward anyway. Rory turns on her tape recorder and Max pours out charming anecdotes about being named after a generous neighborhood butcher and wanting to be a clown until middle school. Yikes. Rory pauses the tape, telling Max she really wanted him to be her stepfather. Max responds, I really wanted to be your stepfather. This shit is sad. Rory probably needs a little bit of therapy. (G: +1)

At the less prestigious Stars Hollow High, Luke confronts Jess after school. He received a phone call from Taylor, accusing Jess of stealing money from a donation jar at the market. Luke practically begs Jess to deny it, but instead Jess bitches about how much he hates being in Stars Hollow and just wants Luke to leave him alone to smoke and shuffle cards in peace. Luke agrees but then pushes him in the lake. (G: One of the best moments in the entire show. I love it when Luke snaps.) Power Moves: Jess-1 Luke-1.

In the Gilmore kitchen, we see Lorelai reading the draft of the Max Medina article, and feeling sorry for herself, when Luke comes banging on the door in a panic. “I just pushed him in the lake,” he shouts. Luke admits he’s in over his head. He doesn’t know what to do with a kid. He then goes on a tirade about little kids always having “jam hands” and I wholeheartedly agree. Kids are gross. Especially 17 year-old-boys. Could you imagine that bathroom under a blacklight? In the midst of Luke’s breakdown, Babette comes in asking if anyone’s seen her garden gnome and Luke knows just who to blame. He leaves to go see if Jess ever made it out the lake, but not before reminding Lorelai to come get her danish tomorrow. The Perfect Man.

Luke storms into his apartment, carrying bags filled with nicotine gum, nicotine patches, Chinese herbs, and photos of diseased lungs. Luke is putting his foot down. Jess has to stop smoking. He has to go to school and graduate. He has to work at the diner and stay out of trouble. He has to pay back Taylor and return Babette’s garden gnome. Luke will not let Jess drift. And for that, Luke is pretty damn awesome. Jess stomps out the door after Luke’s speech, but not before we notice the slightest glint of respect in his eye.

Grace: I love this because it’s the beginning of such a weirdly perfect relationship. Jess can be such a brat, and Luke is definitely in over his head, but they’re so good for each other over time. Plus when the Gilmores’ patter gets old I can watch Luke and Jess snark at each other with fewer pop culture references.

Allie: In the town square, Jess runs into Rory grabbing something for school. Rory gives him shit for bailing on dinner. Jess then proceeds to try (and fail) to impress Rory with some kind of coin magic. And I officially take back everything I said about him being hot. Before parting ways, Jess pulls out a copy of Howl, the one from Rory’s bedroom because apparently he’s a kleptomaniac, but also because he wanted to put some notes in the margins. “I thought you didn’t read much,” Rory says. “Well, what is much?” he smiles. Dammit, he’s hot again. Rory calls him Dodger, because of the stealing, and he understands the Oliver Twist reference. Rory then goes home to think impure thoughts for the first time probably ever. I bet she’ll climb out that window next time.

Grace: Do it for all of us, Rory.

 

Next time on Gilmore Girls: Rory’s debut into society in S02 E06 – Presenting Lorelai Gilmore.