This post was originally published on October 7, 2015. It has been lightly edited to better reflect our current style.
Previously: Edward told Bella they definitely shouldn’t be friends and then asked if she wanted to go on a Definitely Not Friends road trip.
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Marines: To start, we did indeed hear the news of the gender-flipped Twilight reimagining. I’ve already started skimming through it, mostly to decide what to do with it. I think recaps are firmly off the table, only because it’s like 90% copy/paste/find/replace pronouns. I do think it’s worth pointing out some things about the reimagining, namely all the stupid little changes Meyer made because of gender norms and sexism. I’m live-Tweeting some of my reactions so you can check that out.
Onto the chapter:
Bella walks to English class in a daze. So great is her Edward intoxication (…Edtoxication?) that she doesn’t even realize she’s late to class. We mostly just follow her to class so we can get one line about how Mike doesn’t sit next to her. Excellent. Glad we did that.
Mike and Eric both walk with her in the hall and talk about the weather and the clear skies scheduled for their seasonally questionable beach trip.
Next, we get one of Meyer’s cheap passages of time, as the morning passes in a blur. Bella spends most of it thinking it’s impossible that Edward finds her appealing enough to be trapped in a car with her for several hours, so obviously she’s confusing dreams and reality. I mean… I agree with that assessment but let’s get this out good and early: I get that there are people out there who struggle with low self-esteem and that may be a topic that authors want to explore. However, this series doesn’t exist in a vacuum. I LOATHE when authors make their female protagonists virtual fountains of low self-esteem in order to boost up their romance. It’s a horrible, stupid and antifeminist trope that says that women cannot consider themselves worthy of the love their perfect, wonderful male counterparts bestow on them. Or that women are only desirable if they don’t consider themselves to be so and cannot know their own worth or beauty. Or that terribly written garbage about a female with low self esteem and the butthole who abuses her is what the masses want to read, what they’ll love, and what they’ll defend.
Wait, that last part is actually true?
K: A+ rant, though.
Mari: Lunchtime. Jessica is “babbling” on while Bella ignores her because duh Edward might be in the room so she clearly doesn’t have time to be a decent human being right now. (C:Does she ever?) Edward is not at his usual table, so Bella is crushed, loses her appetite, and plans to sit and sulk, which will be in stark contrast to every other lunch where she basically sits and sulks.
Bella finally hears something that Jessica says, but it’s only because Jessica says that Edward Cullen is staring at Bella again. He’s sitting alone today, and when Bella looks at him, he smiles. (K: CROOKEDLY. SHOTS!) He motions for her to join him. Jessica is surprised, which Bella takes as an insult, because her awful mix of self-centered and self-critical, doesn’t actually allow her to see why everyone would be shocked that Edward You Can’t Sit With Us Cullen would change tables and invite someone new to sit with him.
At the table, Edward explains that he invited Bella over because he “decided as long as [he] was going to hell, [he] might as well do it thoroughly.” Bella doesn’t think that makes any sense and Edward’s just like, “I know, LOL.” They keep up their banter and he says he’s never going to give Bella back to her friends. It might be cute if you didn’t know what a possessive freak he was.
Catherine: “LOL. I’m gonna kidnap you! Do you think that’s funny? Good, ’cause I’m gonna kidnap you for realisies. Get in the car.”
Annie: He’s not a stalkery creeper! He’s just misunderstood, you guys. This is the most romantic and unique plot device, ever.
K: This is a total aside, but I really want to make a list of all the ways Stephenie Meyer describes Edward’s eyes because she tells us what colour they are EVERY FUCKING TIME. Right now, they’re ochre.
Mari: Bella asks what brought the invitation on, and Edward repeats that he’s tired of trying to stay away from her. He’s going to give up being good and see how things go. A “hard edge” creeps into his voice as he says this.
Just to put this all into perspective, let’s say someone you like suddenly invites you to lunch. You ask what inspired the invitation. They respond, “because being with you is kind of like going to hell, but that’s cool. I also don’t care about being good or doing good things,” and their voice somehow sounds like… the corner of a concrete building?
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ This scene ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Is it me or did the epic romance just dial up a notch?
Annie: Sooo romantic. They are truly meant to be and I see nothing concerning or problematic about this at all.
Mari: Just in time, Edward’s crooked smile appears again, so we can all take another, much needed shot.
Bella doesn’t understand a thing Edward is saying, and he replies that he’s counting on that. Disgusting. She asks if they are friends now. Edward says they can try to be, but he’s not a good friend for her. Bella notes that he keeps saying that.
“Yes, because you’re not listening to me. I’m still waiting for you to believe it. If you’re smart, you’ll avoid me.”
SHUT UP. She was ignoring and avoiding you plenty before you decided to suddenly be everywhere near her, listening in on her conversations, and inviting her on road trips. If you follow someone around going, “you should avoid me, you should avoid me, you should avoid me,” you know what you are?
As they are getting snippy with each other, Ed glances over Bella’s shoulder and starts snickering. Apparently, one of Bella’s friends thinks Edward is being mean and is wondering whether or not he should come over. Edward, who gets super pissy whenever Bella starts to even suspect that he’s special, claims he knows this because he’s “good at reading people.” Except Bella. Special, special Bella.
Bella asks for a favor: warning if he’s ever going to ignore her for her own good again. Edward thinks that’s fair and wants an answer to a question in return. He wants to hear one of her theories about what he is. Bella still doesn’t want to say, but he insists. She finally guesses that he’s Spiderman or the Hulk and Edward is unimpressed. She’s not even close. Bella promises that she’ll figure it out and he gets serious again and tells her not to try. WELL MAYBE YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE ENCOURAGED THIS CONVERSATION AND BASICALLY CONFIRMED YOU ARE WEIRD THEN.
Edward says that maybe he’s not a superhero, and this is finally the moment when Bella’s like OOOOH!!! about all the times he’s said “hey, I’m so bad for you.” She’s like, “oh, crap. Are you like, bad, or something? Dangerous maybe?” Edward says he totally is, but Bella doesn’t believe him. And then they just stare at each other until Bella realizes that the cafeteria is almost empty. Seriously, they’ve had like five minutes of conversation so they’ve probably stared at each other for another 40, until the end of lunch. Sexy.
Edward is going to cut the next class, claiming that occasionally ditching is healthy for you, but Bella is too chicken to join him.
K: I feel like I should mention that those last two paragraphs up there? Yeah, that’s FOUR PAGES OF THE BOOK. FOUR. PAGES. Believe me when I say reading it felt like forever.
Mari: This is how I learned I wouldn’t want to live forever.
Bella runs off to biology class. The day’s lab involves students pricking their own fingers. I’m really curious if anyone who was in high school in the 2000s ever drew their own blood in school. I don’t know if this is true or not, but I suspect that this was a thing that may have happened more in the 80s and 90s…?
Annie: We didn’t, but as I mentioned, I bailed on science as soon as possible because there was no way I was going to dissect anything, ever. Still, I don’t see how any school board could get their teenagers to draw their own blood. Blood play? Hard limit for students everywhere, please and thank you.
K: We didn’t and I finished high school in 2000. We DID dissect cow hearts in year 9, and I’m still eternally grateful that we left for a family holiday in Queensland two days before the end of term in year 10 because it meant I missed dissecting eyeballs. And then I STAYED AS FAR AWAY FROM BIOLOGY AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE BECAUSE NO ONE MAKES YOU USE A SCALPEL IN CHEMISTRY. But also, this “happened more in the 80s and 90s” thing fits in very nicely with a theory I have about this book. But I’ll save that for chapter 7.
Mari: Recap cliffhanger.
Bella has trouble with blood, so she starts to get real faint as she watches her classmates prick their fingers. The teacher notices and asks someone to take her to the nurse. Mike, the insufferable helpful kind and patient STUPIDHEAD, volunteers to take her. Bella has to take a break while on the way and who shows up? Jesus! (C: Yay!)
Just kidding, Edward Cullen. (C: Boo!) Mike explains what happened and Edward tells him to run along back to class. Mike protests and Edward responds by PICKING BELLA UP. “Put me down,” Bella tells him but Edward is like “actually I don’t need your consent to touch your body in any way” and keeps carrying her.
“You look awful,” he told me, grinning.”
What a tremendodouche. Obviously you aren’t that concerned with her well-being so, uh, tell me again why you are carrying her around while she yells at you not to?
K: Meanwhile, I’m ridiculously confused about Bella fainting at the sight of blood. I mean, sliced veins or anything warranting the word “pools” is one thing. That’s legit. And I totally understand getting queasy/faint over watching blood being drawn, because that happens to me. But using a fingerstick and squeezing out one drop of blood? REALLY? HOW DO YOU SHAVE YOUR LEGS. HOW.
Mari: Maybe her translucent skin is also hairless.
Edward takes Bella to the nurse’s office and keeps laughing to himself about the fact that Bella faints at the sight of blood. Because he’s a vampire see l.o.l. Edward jokes that he thought Mike had murdered Bella. Wuuuuh.
Catherine: Well, see, he himself plans to murder Bella later on. So he doesn’t want Mike taking his murder credit.
Annie: He can’t make her his forever and ever, if someone else does the murdery killing part.
Mari: Bella’s feeling better, just in time, because another student from their biology class is brought in. Edward tells Bella to get out and is really stunned that she listens to him. Not sure why because out was really the only option. Bella says she got out because she could smell Sick Student’s blood. I can’t imagine how much blood this kid managed to get going from a finger prick but OKAY.
Edward says people can’t smell blood (uh, what?) but Bella says she can. It’s rusty and salty apparently. Most people go with “metallic.”
K: My notes on that “people can’t smell blood” line say “Clearly you’ve never had a period, Edward.”
Mari: Thank you for that.
Mike (he brought Sick Student) comes over to glare at Edward and ask Bella if she was going to join the Brrrr Beach Trip. She says she’ll be there. He leaves reluctantly, saying he’ll see her during gym. Bella really doesn’t want to go to gym so Edward uses his mad charm to get the nurse to excuse Bella from the rest of the school day.
They walk out to the parking lot. Bella asks if Edward is going to the beach with them. He doesn’t think it’s a good idea. Bell walks toward her Wow. Free. Truck, but Edward won’t let her drive in her condition. He drags her, actually physically drags her, toward Volvo Sparkle. She tells him to let go, but he ignores her because.
Bella tries to pout a lot and give him the silent treatment, but she can’t because he’s playing classical music in his car, because he’s old geddit? Bella recognizes the song because her mom also listens to classical music.
K: It’s also hella generic classical music that’s been used in approximately a thousand movies and TV shows, including South Park, Ocean’s Eleven, and Dancing with the Stars. You ain’t special, Edward.
Mari: Edward asks about Bella’s mom and she tells him the following:
“She looks a lot like me, but she’s prettier,” I said. He raised his eyebrows. “I have too much Charlie in me. She’s more outgoing than I am, and braver. She’s irresponsible and slightly eccentric, and she’s a very unpredictable cook. She’s my best friend.”
Something about that babbling makes Edward comment about how Bella doesn’t seem 17. I’m thinking he means younger than because when asked about her mother, Bella basically said, “she’s pretty, brave but she can’t cook! She’s my best friend.”
Bella assumes Edward is picking up on her old soul. Yeahokay. They keep chatting about Bell-Mom’s (sorry, like I remember her name…) (C: I’m gonna go with Sandy No-hen) new husband. Bella sidesteps a question about whether she approves of new husband by saying she just wants her mom to be happy. Edward calls this “generous” and asks if her mother would extend her the same courtesy, no matter who Bella chose to date. No matter how scary he was. Bella LAUGHS. Girl, no. (G: Noooooooooo. Nope.)
Edward next asks if Bella thinks he could be scary. She responds that he could be if he wanted to be, but she isn’t currently frightened of him. (G: WHY is this a thing that’s happening?) She decides to ask Edward questions about his family but then he gets all short and huffy, eventually saying he has to go back to school and pick up his siblings. He tells her to have fun at the beach since he won’t see her the next day. He’s going hiking with Jasper. Before Bella leaves, he tells her that she seems to be accident prone. He wants her to try not to fall into the ocean or get run over. Bella gets annoyed so she snaps at him, jumps out of the car, and slams the door.
Edward smiles and smiles and smiles. Bella’s misery is his joy.
GFM: He’s the worst, she’s the worst. They’re fucking perfect for each other.
K: But it’s okay because he smiles crookedly so at least we get to break out the booze again.
Mari: Before I finish, a quick note: we had a lot of Edward in this chapter so it was easy for him to catch up in the overall hate race. He’s really awful. Anyway, the real thing I want to comment on is more of a Meyer writing thing and that’s the number of times she makes Edward go from laughing and amused to suddenly serious.
A sampling:
“He was still smiling, but his ocher eyes were serious.” pg 87
“His smile faded as he explained, and a hard edge crept into his voice.” pg. 88
“The breathtaking crooked smile reappeared.” pg. 88
“Behind his smile, the warning was real.” pg. 88
“His jaw tightened, but he kept his smile in place with some effort.” pg. 89
“His mood shifted suddenly; his eyes turned brooding.” pg. 90
“He was suddenly wary.” pg. 91
“He was serious again.” pg. 92
“He smiled playfully, but his eyes were impenetrable.” pg 92
“His face was abruptly severe…” pg. 92
“He smiled up at me, but his eyes were still troubled.” pg. 93
That was one interaction. ONE.
And for the heck of it, I counted up the word “smile” this chapter: 26. 24 were Edward smiles.
Next time on Twilight: A beach trip and a certain wolfy character in Chapter 6!
I'm a 30-something south Floridan who loves the beach but cannot swim. Such is my life, full of small contradictions and little trivialities. My main life goals are never to take life too seriously, but to do everything I attempt seriously well. After that, my life goals devolve into things like not wearing pants and eating all of the Zebra Cakes in the world. THE WORLD.
I'm a 30-something librarian and I still live with my parents because I'm super broke. Leader of Team Heartless Cow. I have an inexplicable love for 90s television, eat too much chocolate, and read more than is good for me.
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I am a 30-something year-old human woman who lives in Maine. I'm a freelance writer who mostly spends time that I should be doing that, watching T.V. I also love reading and comic books way too much.