Previously: Max had sex.
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Marines: If you’ll recall, Max just asked Alessia who the heck she is. “Zot!” she thinks, because writing characters who speak another language means just making them exclaim things in said language, “he is here, and he is mad.” We’re still doing the weird thing where her chapters are told in third person, to make her feel even more like an alien.
We get another description of how green-eyed, tall and lean Max is. We also get an update on his degree of nakedness: half. He is half naked. She notes his tattoo, his chest and navel hair, and goes all dry mouthed because he’s so attractive. And half-naked! Did she mention half-naked? Because she repeats it again. Alessia gets really worried that Max is going to send her away.
A line break sends us back into Max’s head. What was the point of half a page from Alessia’s POV? An excellent question for which there is no answer.
Rebecca: Maybe she’s paid by the word.
Mari: The prevailing theory.
Max wonders who the “timid creature” in his kitchen is. He kind of remembers her as the Virgin Mary of his wet dreams, or whatever. Alessia is still freaking out, so Max asks her a bit more gently who she is. She looks at him with her “fine espresso” eyes and they are so astonishing, he exclaims “shit!” in his head.
Sweeney: He also describes her as having “an impish face” immediately before noting that her eyes are downcast and I just… what is it, Max? Does she wanna have mischievous fun or is she scared and sad?
Mari: I’m guessing he’s not turned on unless he thinks it’s both. 😬
Max knows this lady is here cleaning, obvious, but he asks where Krystyna is. Alessia still says nothing, but she does look up at Max.
“Her eyes meet mine, and her tongue darts out, and nervously she licks her upper lip. My whole body tightens in a hot, heavy rush as desire hits me like a demolition ball.
Fuck a duck!”
Fuck a duck, man!! I hate when ladies are hot!
But in all honesty, everything about those few lines was intensely unsexy, from her tongue “darting out” to wrecking ball desires to fucking ducks. The unsexiest.
Rebecca: I literally dropped the book. Did he just say “Fuck a duck”? Sir? SIR? A grown adult wrote that line and thought, “Yes. Perfection *chef’s kiss*”
Sweeney: YES. I set the book down and exclaimed (to the audience of no one in my empty apartment) “STOP!” and then laughed for a minute before I could resume.
Mari: I’m glad we all experienced that together.
Max goes from horny to annoyed because he’s just met this woman and she’s already having this effect on him. Alessia picks up on his annoyance and fumbles the broom she’s holding. “Bloody hell!” Max thinks this time, because he’s just going to randomly shout curses in his own head. He doesn’t mean to intimidate the girl. He thinks about the fact that Krystyna didn’t know English, so maybe this girl doesn’t either.
Alessia finally finds her voice and tells him that she’s the cleaner. He asks about Krystyna, and Alessia shares that she returned to Poland a week ago. Max asks if Krystyna is coming back, but Alessia just looks perplexed and says nothing. Max asks how long she’s been here. Alessia asks, “In England?” but she says it very quietly while still looking down. Max asks her to look at him, so she steels herself and looks up. Max says his body comes to attention again, so maybe she’s not looking at you because every time she does, she has to notice your boner growing, my dude. “Fuck!” Max exclaims.
Alessia says she’s been in England for three weeks, and she’s speaking a little more confidently now. She licks her upper lip again though. “Hell!” Max exclaims. I wish I were making this up.
Rebecca: I also wish you were making this up.
Sweeney: Listen, each of those curses are a single word that adds two extra lines to the length of this chapter so this is a hack for all you college students looking to hit a page count!
Mari: Add “fuck a duck” to your essay today! #officialSnarkLadyadvice
Max takes a step back away from Alessia, baffled by how horny he’s getting just seeing Alessia clutch a broom and answer basic questions. He wonders what it is about her, and “the still, small voice” in his head “roars” that “she’s fucking exquisite.” I always associate still, small things with roaring, personally.
Max clarifies to himself that for a woman wearing a nylon house coat, she is hot. He clarifies for Alessia that he meant how long has she been in his flat. She doesn’t answer again, who knows why, so Max asks if she speaks English. Alessia looks at him like he’s an idiot, and while it’s kind of a stupid question seeing as how she has already spoken English to him, she also is selectively answering questions and I have no idea why. She tells him that she does speak English, her name is Alessia Demachi, and she’s been in his apartment since 10:00am. Max introduces himself, tripping over whether to introduce himself as Trevethick or Trevelyan, and settles on Maxim. He starts to get weirded out again and tells her it’s nice to meet her and she can keep cleaning now. He tells her to change the sheets and scurries off to the gym.
We jump back to Alessia’s POV. She’s relieved he’s leaving but also very distracted by his rippling muscles and his back dimples. (S: I had a traumatic flashback upon the mention of the waistband of his jeans and idk maybe ELJ has a men’s-jeans-waistband fetish.) But also, she can’t figure out why he was so mad at her? She’s worried that he’ll still fire her, and she can’t let that happen because she wants to keep playing his piano. (Not a metaphor.) Ten minutes later, she hears the front door slam shut, and she’s relieved that he’s finally gone. She goes into the room to strip the bed. She finds the cuffs and the silk ribbon, and has no idea what they could possibly for and doesn’t even want to guess.
Rebecca: Her child-like innocence makes this extra creepy and weird.
Sweeney: And a fun contrast to the extremely drunk whorey whore in the last chapter! What a narrative choice!
Mari: And we are back with Max. He’s running like mad because he’s still very horny from talking to his daily and looking into her big brown eyes. He moves to weights next but, guess what, he’s still horny. Still thinking about her. What a conundrum. All that and he has lunch with his mom in 2 hours. “Shit!”
Rebecca: My guy, I am from New Jersey and don’t even swear this much. Bugger, bugger, bugger, fuck, shit, all in his head and in the span of one page.
Sweeney: Also extremely fun how we’re meant to believe he’s ~*grieving*~ this important relationship but he seems to only think of his dead brother for the most petty, selfish reasons imaginable, like… that it’s somehow his dead brother’s fault he wants to fuck his cleaning lady????
Mari: Are we having fun? ‘Cause wow, back to Alessia. She’s doing the laundry when she hears Max come back. And then she hears him leave again. She goes back into this room to find that he’s made another mess, and then she takes a big whiff of his soap and has memories of home. Then she goes to play the piano.
BACK TO MAX. He heads to lunch early so he can have some drinks to wash away his horniess and to give him liquid strength to face his mother. His sister, Maryanne, “the one woman in the world I adore,” is already there. They hug and have emotions about the death of their brother. Max describes the restaurant a bit and also makes sure to mentions that he stares at the hostess’s ass on the way to the table. She gives him a smile he doesn’t return because even though he checked out her ass, he’s not in the mood. “I’m too preoccupied by my encounter with my daily and the memory of anxious dark eyes.”
Rebecca: And of course he has a sister he is nice to. I never read 50 Shades but saw the last movie and didn’t that Grey dude have a sister? Like them being nice to a single damn woman erases all the misogyny. Very “I didn’t understand what woman went through but THEN I HAD A DAUGHTER” vibes.
Mari: Max clears those thoughts and pays attention to his sister, asking about how the Dowager, the Mothership is. Maryanne says thinks their mom is hiding something. Max tells us about how Maryanne is a doctor, who became interested in cardiothoracic medicine after their dad died from a heart attack. Maryanne asks after Caro, who Max says is grieving Kit’s death and upset that she didn’t get anything in the will.
Their mother, Rowena, joins them and we get cold cheek kisses and orders of Chablis and other uppity rich things. Max tells us that she’s still skinny and pretty, I guess. She was the it girl of her generation, and when she left his father, he never recovered. He died “of a broken heart” four years later.
Max tells her about how everything in the will comes to him. Rowena says they can’t let Caro starve, and starts giving suggestions about how they should help her. Max is annoyed, saying this is Rowena’s high handed way of dealing with the family she abandoned. She gets upset that he doesn’t call her mom, and he snaps back that maybe he’d call her that if she acted like it. He feels like a dick when Rowena ignores him and mentions planning Kit’s service and writing a eulogy. Max volunteers to do it and changes the subject to ordering food.
As they eat, Max announces that Caro thinks she’s pregnant. Maryanne and Rowena aren’t too surprised. Rowena says at least she’ll get a grandkid and the estate will continue down the line, since Max and Maryanne don’t show signs of settling down. Max points out that this mean she’ll be a grandmother, which might slow her down with dating younger men. Max is such a hater. Anyway, this talk of settling down reminds Max of Alessia and he’s like HMM I WONDER WHY?
Rebecca: Imagine meeting someone for twenty seconds and being like, “ah yes perhaps I might settle down!”
Mari: Especially when the person was too scared to even talk to you.
We cut to Max returning to his flat. He tells us that his mom asked a lot about the estate for the rest of lunch, and he was able to answer all her questions. Now, though, he goes back to thinking about his hot daily and wondering what she looks like out of the house coat and head scarf. Plus, we wonders how old she is. “She looks young. Too young, maybe. Too young for what?”
Sweeney: And also judging her for her vanity after spending the entire book directly equating the value of women with their appearance. Love a double standard!
Mari: Max thinks maybe his reaction to her was a one-off, especially considering she looked like a nun. Maybe he has a thing for nuns. He har-har-hars at himself, but also, idk we’ve had a lot of sexy Virgin Mary stuff going on so IS IT A JOKE?
Max gets a text from Caroline. She asks about lunch and Max answers, referring to his mom as the Dowager. Caroline points out that she’ll be the Dowager if Max gets married. Max wonders why she’d say something like that, and then that he won’t get married for sure. Well, maybe.
He tries to watch TV but there is nothing good on. He doesn’t want to go out. He doesn’t want to answer work emails on a Friday night. It’s only 8pm. (R: That’s almost my bedtime.) He goes to the piano and starts playing a piece he’s working on, when suddenly, he thinks about…. Alessia. Wow! Like magic! He can write piano music now! Totally inspired! “Bloody hell!” he exclaims.
Max plays until it’s after midnight and he’s finished the whole piece, something he’s been trying to do forever, and all it took was meeting his new daily.
Truly, I can’t wait to read about what an inspiration she is to him and how she makes *two* women in the entire world he either loves or respects. Beautiful.
Next time on The Mister: Alessia cleans the apartment again in Chapter 6.
I'm a 30-something south Floridan who loves the beach but cannot swim. Such is my life, full of small contradictions and little trivialities. My main life goals are never to take life too seriously, but to do everything I attempt seriously well. After that, my life goals devolve into things like not wearing pants and eating all of the Zebra Cakes in the world. THE WORLD.
Nicole is the co-captain of Snark Squad and these days she spends most of her time editing podcasts. She spends too much time on Twitter and very occasionally vlogs and blogs. In her day job she's a producer, editor, director, and sometimes host of educational YouTube channels. She loves travel, maps, panda gifs, and semicolons. Writing biographies stresses her out; she crowd sourced this one years ago and has been using a version of it ever since. She would like to thank Twitter for their help.
I am a book, movie, and TV fanatic over the age of 30. I love baking, video games, and D&D. Legally I must tell you I am a disaster. I've written like 6 novels but haven't had the real courage to query agents yet, and also I don't know how to make decisions (DISASTER). So please send me wine for Courage. Maybe a heart too. Oh and also a brain.