Previously: Bella joined some vampire-y dots, then sad pandaed because Edward didn’t come to school.
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Kirsti: On the girly roadtrip to Port Angeles, Jessica wibbles about boys and dates while forcing them to listen to “whiny rock songs.” Despite this, Bella informs us that “the estrogen rush was invigorating.” I…don’t know what the fuck that means. I think she’s trying to say that it was nice to hang out with other teenage girls, but she’s also told us multiple times that she gives zero fucks about Jessica and Angela, so…yeah.
Marines: I died laughing. I’ve been a girl all of my life and I’ve never experienced an invigorating estrogen rush. Should I be asking for my money back?
Catherine: I’m not sure. I definitely know that I never want to go on a road trip with Stephenie and Emily now, though.
K: I bet it’s like being in an advert for tampons, where everyone laughs too much and rides a horse in white jeans when the reality is more like sitting around in sweatpants and crying.
They head to the one department store in Port Angeles, and there’s much confusion about the dress code for the dance: semiformal. Which I read as semifreddo, and now I want a frozen dessert…
Bella tells the others that she never went to a dance or had a boyfriend in Phoenix, and they basically do a Jake Peralta impression.
They ask why, and she says no one ever asked her. Jessica’s all “That sounds fake, but okay” because people keep asking her out in Forks and she says no to all of them. (A: Proof that the boys in Phoenix are waaaay smarter than the boys of Forks.) That allows Angela to inform us that Tyler’s been telling everyone that Bella’s going to the prom with him, and Bella’s horrified. This, apparently, is why Lauren hates her guts. (C: And Jessica hated her because Mike was into her and she was getting more attention. Steph sure is good at writing strong female characters, huh?) (K: SO GOOD.) Jessica giggles about this piece of information, which seems odd, but whatever. Bella suggests running him over with her Wow. Free. Truck.
Both Jessica and Angela find dresses to try on, and we’re treated to way too much information about every single garment as Bella sits outside the fitting rooms and gives them her thoughts. They move on to shoes, and Bella “merely watched and critiqued, not in the mood to shop for myself, though I did need new shoes.” STOP ABUSING COMMAS AND GIVING US USELESS INFORMATION, STEPH.
Bella reluctantly brings up the Cullens, asking if it’s normal for them to be out of school a lot. Angela says they go hiking when the weather’s nice, and Bella’s relieved that Angela doesn’t ask questions like that stupid bitch Jessica would.
The shopping is quicker than expected, so they have time to kill before dinner. Jessica and Angela want to go for a walk – the most unlikely teenage girl activity of all time – but Bella wants to find a bookstore. They offer to go with her, but she’s all “EW NO, LEAVE ME TO BROOD ALONE” and says she’ll meet them at the restaurant.
The bookstore turns out to be a dirty hippy bookstore, and Bella sulks before convincing herself that there must be another one somewhere (C: LOL. A non-hippie store in the pacific northwest? Good luck, Bella.) and wandering off in search of it.
Mari: I mean, as long as you were yelling about punctuation abuse earlier, BEHOLD:
“I was trying so hard not to think about him, and what Angela had said… and more than anything trying to beat down my hopes for Saturday, fearing a disappointment more painful than the rest, when I looked up to see someone’s silver Volvo parked along the street and it all came crashing down on me.”
“Marines,” you are thinking. “Is that…”
YES. That IS an ellipsis in the middle of a sentence with almost 60 words, three commas, three ‘and’s, and a silver Volvo in a pear tree.
K: Excuse me while I headdesk forever.
Obviously, Bella gets lost and ends up in a dodgy alleyway because “I was wrestling with despair” and trying not to think about Edward.
Mari: WHAT DESPAIR? This isn’t even an Edward-less lunch, what is she despairing over? Angela just told her Edward likes to hike on sunny days she should be so happy! There’s a reason he was gone! BUT NO. DESPAIR.
Annie: Girl, you’ve known this Edward guy for a month? How did Bella manage to live before she was even aware of Edward’s existence? Just calm down already.
Catherine: I’m just loving that ‘Edward-less lunch’ is our new barometer for despair.
K: Does this mean I can mope every day on my lunch break because Tom Hiddleston isn’t around? (M: Clearly.) COOL.
Four dudebros approach her and get all butthurt when she – in the only sensible decision in the 137 pages to date – speedwalks away from them. She finds herself in a dodgy industrial part of town and it’s basically deserted. Also, the sun’s setting so now it’s getting dark and she’s cold.
It gets darker and she looks over her shoulder “to glare at the offending cloud” (?????) (M: OH MY CATS, I DIED. WHY IS SHE GLARING AT CLOUDS.) only to find that two of the dudebros are following her. She realises that her pepper spray is under her bed at home, and considers dropping her purse and running before realising that they might not be after her wallet. She walks faster, towards a more populated part of town, but discovers that she’s basically been herded into a trap. She tells them to get away from her, and they laugh.
Mari: I tried to take this seriously but what had happened was:
“I had a good loud scream, and I sucked in air, preparing to use it, but my throat was so dry.”
She sucked in air AND PREPARED TO USE IT. “Okay, air! I hope you are reeeaa-dy!”
K: I tried to include that in my recap, but I was laughing too hard about the cloud glaring to do it justice.
She runs through self-defence moves in her head, but knows she probably won’t be able to do much considering there are four dudebros and only one of her.
And then, in what is CLEARLY the most dramatic and tense moment in the entire series, a silver Volvo comes screaming around the corner and nearly hits one of the attackers.
It stops in front of Bella, and the passenger door flies open. “‘Get in,’ a furious voice commanded.” Because guess what? Edward is super pissed off at her for nearly being assaulted! I mean, how DARE she? How dare she end up in a situation that one in six women will experience in their lives? GOD. It makes things SO inconvenient for him.
Mari: I mean, Edward, friend. You were in town stalking her anyway. It’s not really that inconvenient!
Catherine: Damn, she had 5 people stalking her? She might be all 6 of those women.
K: A+.
Apparently just the mere fact that Edward’s there makes Bella feel super safe and totally calm. She hops in the car, and he nearly runs over her attackers again as they speed off. He snaps at her to buckle up, and she does. Then she studies his face and realises that “his expression was murderously angry.”
I just…I hate this douchebag so hard. Like, Dawson Leery levels of hate.
Annie: Dawson Leery levels of hate, times infinity. I hate this guy like I hate Grey. Fancy that.
K: Shocking.
Bella asks if he’s okay, and I need to stop and walk away from this book for a minute, because SHE’S THE ONE WHO WAS ALMOST ASSAULTED BUT SHE’S ASKING IF HE’S OKAY. He snaps that he’s not, and orders her to distract him: “Just prattle about something unimportant until I calm down”. What a fucking prince. Swooniest of all fictional characters, right??
Mari: Take a moment to question your choices if you like this character. Better yet, abandon those choices immediately. Thank you.
K: We’re treated to a full page of Bella wibbling on about how she’s totally going to murder Tyler’s face off for telling everyone that he’s taking her to prom, before she asks Edward what’s wrong. “Sometimes I have a problem with my temper, Bella,” he replies. Girl. Red flag. RED FLAG. RUN AWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY. (A: Seriously, how stupid is this girl? BIG FUCKING RED FLAG.)
Thanks, Marius.
Edward’s eyes are “narrowed into slits”, which sounds very dramatic, but I just tried it and I’m pretty sure it’s a case of Do You Even Own a Face. Anyway, he says he’s trying to convince himself that hunting down her attackers won’t be helpful, and she’s all “Oh”. Then she realises what the time is and says – sorry, murmurs – that Jessica and Angela will be worried.
Edward starts the car without a word and drives her to the restaurant. Bella’s all “Whaaaaaaaat?” because she didn’t tell him where they were meeting, and they’re just in time to see Jessica and Angela being all “Welp, she was a bitch anyway so LET’S BAIL”. (C: If only.)
Bella’s surprised to see Edward getting out of the car, and he tells her that he’s taking her out for dinner. (M: Usually, people ASK, but okay Dickward. Whatever you say.) But also, she should probably go tell Jessica and Angela that she’s alive and shit. Bella calls after them, and they rush back before being all “Whaaaaat, Edward’s here??” They ask where she’s been, and “Jessica’s voice was suspicious.” (C: As opposed to the rest of her, which was just normal.)
Bella says she got lost, and then ran into Edward. He asks if he can join them, and…no, I can’t. I have to give you the full, batshit crazy quote:
“‘Would it be alright if I joined you?’’ he asked in his silken, irresistible voice. I could see from their staggered expressions that he had never unleashed his talents on them before.”
His talents. For constructing a sentence and using his words. I can’t even.
Annie: Or his talents, as in being a manipulating stalker? Either way, HE’S TOTES A KEEPER. Hold on to him tight, girl.
K: SO TIGHT.
Jessica’s totally gushy, but Angela spoils everything by admitting that they already ate while they were waiting for Bella. Okay, a) rude, and b) how fast is the service in this place?! Because when Bella looked at the clock in the car, she just says that “it was past six thirty,” not “Oh shit, I was three hours late” or anything. Surely they’d wait at least 20 minutes before ordering, and then you’ve got to wait for the food to turn up and blah blah blah this makes no sense.
Mari: I’d like to think right after Bella was like, “I want to be alone in a bookstore and you two would just bother me,” Jessica looked at Angela and asked, “wanna eat without that bitch?” Angela said, “hell yes.”
K: Headcanon accepted.
Bella says it’s fine that they ate because she’s totally not hungry anyway, but Edward tells her to eat something. And you know he means business because his voice “was low, but full of authority”. Ugh. Worst. He asks Jessica if he can drive Bella home instead, and Jessica looks at Bella in a “are you okay being left with this asshat?” way.
Of course Bella wants “nothing more than to be alone with my perpetual savior”, and I throw up in my mouth. Also, is that a Jesus thing? Because it sounds like a Jesus thing. (M: Who really cares? SHOTS ANYWAY! Saviors are Biblical enough!) Angela steers Jessica towards the car, and Bella waits for them to drive off before she tells Edward that she’s really truly not hungry.
He gives zero fucks, and ushers her into the restaurant. The hostess gives Edward “hello, hottie” eyes, then judgey stares at Bella because why would a hot piece of vampire ass be hanging out with someone as boring as Bella Swan?
Mari: Bella says the waitress has “unnaturally blonde” hair. Girl, your boyfriend is a vampire with bronze hair.
Catherine: Also, we just did biblical shots and now we have to do E.L. James shots? Well, my liver can take a few more for the team.
K: The hostess tries to seat them at a table in the middle of the room, but Edward demands privacy and they’re ushered to a row of empty booths. Pretty sure the wait staff will spit in your food for making them walk all the way over there, but whatever.
After the hostess leaves, Bella tells him it’s not nice to dazzle people (seriously), and he’s all “Whut” because he has absolutely no idea of how people react to him and how pretty he is hahahahaha kill me.
Mari: Because we are amazing, this is a gif we have ready, in our gif collection, and have used often:
K: Perfection.
The waitress arrives, and we’re treated to far more information than is necessary as they order Cokes and she brings their drinks and some breadsticks. (M: With hungry eyes for Edward, of course.) (C: I’ve got some hungry eyes for those breadsticks.) (A: I’m wishing those drinks were bottles and bottles of wine.)
Edward asks Bella if she’s okay because she’s a child who can’t take care of herself, and she says “I’ve always been very good at repressing unpleasant things”. ME TOO, GIRL. I’d repressed how bad this writing is, for starters. (M: Sorry?) Bella orders mushroom ravioli, and Edward orders nothing. The waitress leaves, and he orders Bella to drink her Coke. No, seriously: “‘Drink,’ he ordered.” He’s basically the anti-Jake Peralta. Yes, I used two Jake Peralta gifs in one post. I may have a Jake Peralta problem.
She finishes her Coke, and he hands his over.
Mari: Bella didn’t realize she was thirsty! Good thing Edward ordered her to drink and made her decision for her! She would’ve died of thirst or something. PHEW.
Annie: If only. BOOK OVER!
Catherine: *deep sigh* *does more shots*
K: Sometimes when we complain about this book, all I can think of is the scene in Bridget Jones’ Diary where she accidentally turns the soup blue. I think of this because as everyone’s all “This is disgusting and ridiculous”, she says “Eat up! Two more lovely courses!” and everyone’s all “WHYYYYYY”.
Twilight is like that, but with Stephenie Meyers going “Three more lovely books!”
Bella shivers, and claims it’s from the ice in her drink. Edward asks if she has a jacket, but LOL NOPE it’s in Jessica’s car. He hands over his jacket, and I try not to cry with laughter as Bella tells us that she’s never once noticed what he was wearing on account of how pretty his face is. Seriously. In case you care, he’s wearing “an ivory turtleneck sweater“, and now all I can see is the douchey boyfriend in Bring It On. Bella puts his jacket on, and notes that it’s cold but it smells amazing.
He tries to force feed her breadsticks, but she insists that she’s not going into shock and is totally fine, because she feels safe with him. “That displeased him; his alabaster brow furrowed.” Is that our first comparison of Edward’s pretty pretty face to a piece of rock? It feels like it is.
Catherine: First but so very far from last.
K: Anyway, he grumps, she tells him that he’s usually in a better mood when his eyes are butterscotch coloured, and his eyes narrow when she says she has a theory about that whole black eyes = grumpy Edward thing. Just as she’s about to tell him her theory, the waitress comes back with Bella’s food and spends a ridiculous amount of time asking if Edward wants something to eat.
Mari: Bella continues to not pay any attention to her own life. In addition to being THE FIRST TIME SHE’S EVER NOTICED EDWARD’S CLOTHES, she also doesn’t realize that she’s leaning in toward him, like across the table, as she’s talking. Bella, please. Realize more things. Please.
K: Between the stuff she doesn’t realise and the stuff she forgets, this girl is…not gifted in the IQ department.
He orders more Cokes, and Bella says she’ll tell him her theory in the car if he answers her questions. He raises an eyebrow. She asks why he’s in Port Angeles, and he smirks before passing. Bella eats a piece of her food in an excessive amount of detail, then asks if hypothetically he can maybe kind of sort of read minds and what the limitations of that are. More specifically, how would this hypothetical mind reading person even know that she was in trouble.
He tells her that she’s the only person who could possibly get into trouble in a town that small, and that “You would have devastated their crime rate statistics for a decade, you know.” Ick.
Catherine: Just to remind the impressionable young women these books were targeted toward one last time that it’s totally their fault if they get attacked.
Mari: And whole cities would be devastated because of their inconsiderate assault.
K: WORST.
Bella’s all “No, but seriously, HOW DID YOU KNOW?” and says he can trust her. I lied. She murmurs it.
Edward sighs and says that Bella’s more observant than he thought, and calls her a trouble magnet. He falls under the category of trouble too. She thanks him for saving her yet again, and touches his hand. “His skin was cold and hard, like a stone.” For our Edward’s-like-stone count.
He admits that he followed her to Port Angeles, and instead of being freaked out by this, “I felt a strange surge of pleasure.” GIRL. NO.
She prods for more details about how he found her, and he says he’ll only give her details if she eats. She eats, and he says he was keeping vague tabs on Jessica, then suddenly realised that Bella had gone off on her own.
He checked the bookstore that he’d seen in Jessica’s head (weird), then randomly searched the thoughts of passersby, then just drove around aimlessly until the sun set. He was about to start searching on foot when he saw her face in the mind of one of her attackers. It took all his strength not to kill them all, and that’s why he didn’t let Bella leave with Jessica and Angela – he was scared he’d go looking for the dudebros.
She stares at him for a while and thinks that he looks like marble some more. Then he asks if she’s ready to go home. She’s ready to leave the restaurant, but not to leave him hahahaha ugh. They ask for the cheque, and the waitress sad pandas that Mr Hotty Stalker Pants isn’t staying longer. We’re treated to like a full page of them getting in the car and driving away. Once they hit the freeway, Edward tells Bella that it’s her turn to answer some questions.
Great. Another fake cliffhanger.
On the plus side, this never ending chapter is finally over. Hurrah.
Murmur count: 4 (plus two “muttered”)
Whisper count: 4
Edward’s-like-stone count: 3
Next time on Twilight: FINALLY, a vampire confirmation in Chapter 9.
I'm a 30-something librarian and I still live with my parents because I'm super broke. Leader of Team Heartless Cow. I have an inexplicable love for 90s television, eat too much chocolate, and read more than is good for me.
I'm a 30-something south Floridan who loves the beach but cannot swim. Such is my life, full of small contradictions and little trivialities. My main life goals are never to take life too seriously, but to do everything I attempt seriously well. After that, my life goals devolve into things like not wearing pants and eating all of the Zebra Cakes in the world. THE WORLD.
Fuchsia-haired, caffeine enthusiast, dog person, Raptors fan, sometimes blogger, music & social media geek, freelancer, human being. She/her.
I am a 30-something year-old human woman who lives in Maine. I'm a freelance writer who mostly spends time that I should be doing that, watching T.V. I also love reading and comic books way too much.