Previously: Someone put knives inside Jake’s punching bag. WTF.
—
Bite Your Tongue
Jessica: Aria and Emily are walking together at night, talking about the movie they just saw (and a really annoying person who kept talking during it– for whom a special level of hell exists).
Aria brings up Spencer, and things get awkward. Aria says that Spencer was trying to protect her (by stalking her), but Emily said she was just being controlling. Emily’s annoyed and believes they’ll never hear from Ali again. Somehow, I find that doubtful.
Marines: It’s cruel to suggest that could happen, show.
Sweeney: I don’t know, guys – whenever the show gives me a thread of hope to cling to, I grab hold for dear life. THEY’LL NEVER HEAR FROM ALI AGAIN! EZRA IS THE SHOW’S ONE TRUE VILLAIN!
Jessica: We can dream!
They then walk into a raging house party, led by Mike. Do these kids even have parents anymore? (Crap, that comment means I’m old, right?) Apparently not, as Aria takes the job of angry adult kicking people out. I guess her 32-year-old soul really doesn’t like picking up red Solo cups. Emily helps out and reprimands two people for making out. “Um, hello, this is someone’s desk.” Respect the desk, people!
Hastings Household. Spencer is transcribing the pictures she took of Alli’s creative nonfiction diary with her phone onto her computer, but is having trouble reading it. She calls Hanna, who’s reading in bed while eating graham crackers. Spencer is trying to figure out what older boy Ali was dating in her story “Love and Death.” To those keeping track, that’s what other older boy Ali was dating, not counting Ian the evil milk drinker.
Mari: Holy crap, I had forgotten about Ian! THAT EVIL MILK DRINKING SEEMS LIKE AGES AGO. I can’t actually process how he fits into the larger story.
Sweeney: Evil Milk Drinking was a really important contribution to bring to the table, though.
Jessica: Hanna says the Mystery Dude they need to focus on is Patterson, the crime novel author, because “this guy really understands the criminal mind.” Hanna’s convinced they need to follow the trail of cover-ups to lead them back to A. Spencer expresses her surprise at Hanna staying at home reading rather than going out with Aria and Emily. But Hanna says she wasn’t invited, because in Emily’s eyes she’s not mad enough at Spencer. Ah, teenage drama. There you are. Right between the stalkers and the pedobears. (M: Jackpot combination for ABCFamily.) (J: The trifecta!)
Montgomery Manse. Aria and Emily come upstairs to find a fabulously dressed Mona in Aria’s room, who claims to have just been using the restroom. The flimsiness of her excuse– and her blatant lack of care to come up with anything better– offends them. “I don’t have a toilet in my bedroom Mona. What are you doing in my house?” Aria demands. Mona claims Mike invited her. She speaks in a vaguely threatening way and leaves. This is why she made a good A.
SHHH!
Next morning, Aria calls Mike into her bedroom. He promises to finish cleaning up the party remains after school, but Aria wants to know what the deal is with him and Mona. Apparently he met her in a counseling group. Aria’s main demand is, “Was Mona here to poop or snoop?” Mike seems unconcerned about having the girl convicted of stalking his sister in his house, so Aria drops the bomb that Mona broke up their parents. But Mike defends her as vehemently as one would expect a young teenage boy to defend a hot girl.
Mari: I don’t understand anything. On the top of the list of everything I don’t understand is why it’s been so hard to keep this ex-stalker away from these girls.
Sweeney: It gives me almost Pedzria levels of rage that everyone keeps treating the girls like they are terrible people for wanting their former stalker and OG car-thrower to stay away from them.
Jessica: Yes, it was a strange turnaround for Mike to stand up to his teammates to defend Aria’s honor, then later invite her former stalker into their house like it’s NBD.
Emily’s house. Papa Fields (!!) walks onto the screen and says Emily’s car breakdown several episodes earlier supposedly was caused by a computer glitch. He suggests the anti-theft device was triggered and shut down remotely. Emily wisely decides to take her bike to school instead. Papa Fields is back because he’s taken a temporary furlough. He brings up the Fields’ family problems and tries to good parent, but Emily is snappy, blames senior year, and heads out.
Rosewood School for Anything But School. Ezra is talking to Alex Mack about Malcolm, because why wouldn’t he discuss intensely personal matters at his place of employment? In short- the kid’s in Seattle and Ezra is pissed about it. Of course, Aria shows up awkwardly in the doorway and tries to leave but Alex Mack beats her to it. Ezra says “people get what they deserve, eventually” and creepers off.
Jessica: Meanwhile, Hanna is book browsing at an outdoor stand for more crime novels. Detective Holbrook appears and actually tries to apologize for LOLPD behavior. What?? Did we enter some alternate universe? I’m so confused. He recommends a book and walks off as her phone rings.
Sweeney: Nah, still Rosewood because he does it in an uncomfortably flirty way.
Jessica: Rosewood School for Salvador Dali Melting Clocks. Hanna walks up to Emily saying she just got her text. So she was book shopping before school? How does time even work in Rosewood?
Mari: Your first time confusion! This is so cute! Welcome to Rosewood.
Sweeney: First one in Snark HQ to figure it out gets a year-end bonus.*
*based on your current annual Snark Squad salary
Jessica: Emily tells Hanna about her car malfunction, and cracks a not-so-joking joke about A programming the cappuccino machine at work to boil her face off. Aww. I have to admit it, Emily has had the short end of the stick with lots of these A interactions, like when she was attacked in the greenhouse and got glass in her hair, and when she was nearly sawed in half, etc. etc.
Mari: That’s a really good reminder. She also got the car thrown at her house and the creepy A massage. I’m going to try to remember all of this when she’s pissing me off with her Big Eyes and big time whine.
Jessica: Yeah, teenaged me would have been bringing that up a lot more often, especially for getting out of things like tests and chores. Heck, even now me would do that.
Hanna suggests sleuthing again but Emily isn’t into it. Emily brings up Spencer and Hanna wants her to bury the hatchet but Emily isn’t having it.
As though this were written just for TV, Spencer walks up and wants to talk. Emily slams her locker and leaves, and I take this time to notice that Spencer’s got some Faith coma makeup going on.
Sweeney: Not her first time stumbling into that makeup chair, either. I smell another stint in Radley coming up around the plot bend! Maybe then we’ll be given a reason for the Toby’s Mom Plot nobody understands.
Jessica: Everyone’s apparently at school now, as Aria spots Mona being lovey dovey with Mike in a dark corridor. Mike leaves and she confronts Mona, demanding to know why she’s suddenly interested in tenth graders. Mona says the new counselor is the one to blame/thank (blank?) for this. Mona is apparently not feeling enough of the love after helping Hanna’s mom get off on murder charges, so she’s giving up on the Liars. She says she’s hanging with a different crowd now so Aria should just suck it up.
Spencer walks into a room with Andrew (basically the male student equivalent of her). Spencer forgot to study for the physics test and her coma makeup does not bode well for the results. She asks him to cover for her for today, and then to swing by after school with his physics notes.
Mari: I’m really curious what “covering for her” would entail. Alas, we are never to know and now we go to see Ezra because life is unfair.
Jessica: So unfair!
School is still happening! Sort of. Ezra has called Mona into his office. Ominous music, plays as he asks her to close the door, but Mona just looks like a shark circling another shark. Fade to black.
Coffee shop. Hanna freaks out that when she can’t find her book, but psych! it’s just under the bus boy’s tray. Detective Holbrook just so happens to be there and comes up to talk to her the book. It’s like he’s trying to say ‘sorry for falsely accusing you and your mom of murder’ with his slightly unbuttoned V-neck shirt. Hanna mispronounces “fjord” and he reveals the twist in the book she’s reading (which she asks for– something I NEVER do because I hate being spoiled on plot), saying that body identification “always comes down to teeth, doesn’t it?” This gives her an idea.
Mari: So, basically, Holbrook’s Sorry For Saying Your Mom Was a Murderer Book Recommendation Plot Point was to get us to dental records? Oh, show.
Jessica: I would really love to see the storyboard in the writer’s room, or witness a discussion. Writer A: ‘What if Hanna gets an idea about dental records?’ Writer B: ‘Yes, but how? And can we make it sexy?’
Rosewood School for Some of the Times. Aria stomps into the new counselor’s office, determined to cut off Mona and Mike at the source. We are introduced to the Hunky Counselor that is Jesse. I’m pleased to see him on my screen, except for the fact that I’m pretty sure I’m going to hate him shortly because he’s a good-looking man who lives in Rosewood, which means bad things for his moral character.
Aria introduces herself as Mike’s sister, and wants to know more about Mike’s group– can anyone join? It’s open to everyone but he reached out to specific students he knew were “going through rough patches.” I call bullshit as none of the Liars were on his list. Aria calls Mona “bad news” and “the devil” and doesn’t want him to encourage her and Mike. Hunky Counselor Jesse says she should join the group to get rid of some of her “unresolved issues.” He insists it’s a safe place, but clearly he doesn’t know this high school yet, or Rosewood. She sees the futility of her argument and leaves.
Jessica: Well when you say it like that, it just sounds crazy.
Ezra is texting suspiciously to someone that there’s been a setback in regards to Alison. Papa Fields enters and all I want is for him to punch Ezra in the face. Please! PF wants to know if the stress of having a car thrown through her living room has affected Emily’s schoolwork. He also thinks staying at the DiLaurentis house was a bad idea, and that sleeping in her dead friend’s bedroom took a toll on her. Ya think?
PF says Ezra seems to be a teacher Emily trusts, and wonders if he could help get her back on track. Ezra offers giving her extra projects after school, but does it in the most creepy way possible. Mostly I hate his smile with no teeth. After PF leaves, Ezra makes a phone call that the soundtrack informs us is also suspicious.
Hastings House. Andrew is trying to study physics but Spencer’s coma makeup is so distracting, probably even moreso as she stares at him all creepy-like. After some attempts at studying, Spencer reveals why she really asked him there– She wants some of his study aid. “The kind with the childproof cap.” He tries to refuse, but she brings up that time she showed him her sideboob so he caves. He confesses he hopefully thought she was over “that carpenter” (Toby), which is why he came.
Mari: See also: that time you showed him sideboob, girl.
Sweeney: I’m genuinely surprised he didn’t behave like a creep – I was sure that’s where this was going.
Jessica: Fields House. Emily can’t sleep. She hears a noise outside. She shuts her window, then hears footsteps in the hall. Understandably freaked out, she grabs a big pair of scissors from her desk, ready to stab the shadow that stopped at her door. She nearly stabs her dad instead, but his army training skills jump in to save him. We see a freaky handprint in the dust outside her window.
Back at Hastings House, Spencer’s working on translating the diary photos. She’s figured out that Alli met Older Mystery Dude [OMD] at a bar called The Hart & The Huntsman. (Be sure to duck that swinging mallet of symbolism). (M: They could’ve saved words and gone with PedoPub.) In a blurry flashback, we see Alli talking with the OMD, who has Spencer’s monotone voice as she reads. They talk about maturing (ew), pie and literature. Alli teases him for pairing boysenberry pie with beer, and then sort-of threatens to write a story about this exact moment. The story ends as they kiss.
Marin Manor. Spencer has invited herself into Hanna’s house at 4 a.m. Spencer reveals that The Hart & The Huntsman bar is right outside Hollis College (CLUE) and wonders if Hanna wants to come with her to check it out. “Now? I’m not wearing any underwear,” Hanna declares. “No not now, after fifth period,” Spencer replies. BUT THAT COULD BE ANY TIME, SPENCER. YOUR SCHOOL SCHEDULES MAKE NO SENSE.
Mari: Or at least seven seasons and a movie.
Jessica: Next morning, Aria is drinking coffee outside and watches Alex Mack get out of car. She walks up and says hi because she is stupid. They have a snarky conversation. Aria tells her she’s nasty for keeping Malcolm from Ezra and brings up that Alex Mack once tried to keep her from telling Ezra that Malcolm was his, when that was still a thing. Alex Mack emphasizes that MR. FITZ is lucky to have a STUDENT so loyal to him, and Aria gets all threaten-y. She accuses Alex Mack of blackmailing Ezra’s family, and AM says Aria makes her GPA from sleeping with her teachers. Aria grabs her arm (is Aria the fight-y one now, since she took 2 minutes of martial arts and once roundhouse kicked CeCe Drake off a platform?) and causes the box to fall to the ground, where it make a shattering noise. In it were a bunch of Malcolm’s toys and a picture of him in a frame. Aria apologizes and tries to help but AM tells her to leave it.
Mari: Lying to potential baby daddies is bad, Alex Mack, and blaming the minor in the pedolationship is reprehensible. But. I still LOL’d when she was all, “REALLY GIRL? ARE WE TALKING ABOUT RIGHT AND WRONG?”
Sweeney: Same. Ezra is the actual person to blame on that ship, but I laugh anytime someone on this show calls their gross relationship like it is.
Jessica: Segue to Emily walking her bike, hearing the story from Aria. Aria’s worried this will mean Ezra will never see Malcolm. Emily says she was acting like his friend which, LOL. Aria wants Emily to cover for her while she skips class. Emily says no problem, because she’s helping Ezra direct the spring play because her dad thinks she’s “a basket case.” Their conversation halts when they see Mona making out with Mike across the street.
We appropriately cut to gagging sounds. Hanna’s at the dentist, where she’s waiting for the assistant to leave so she can snoop.
Suddenly- night time. I think. Spencer is at The Hart & The Huntsman [H&H], where she sees Ezra eating and looking at his phone. He’s confused by her presence. He’s eating boysenberry pie (!), claiming to be going off a recommendation from a waitress. He continues bumbling, canceling the rest of his dinner and leaving in the most suspicious way possible. Spencer glares knowingly after him.
Rosewood’s One Coffee Shop. Aria’s leaving Ezra a message, wondering if Alex Mack called him yet. She thinks he’s ignoring her because of her confrontation with AM and leaves him a message. Hunky Counselor Jesse appears as though he can sense a potential vacuum in her pedolationship. (M: A+)
Dentist’s office. The assistant returns to find Hanna not in her chair, and decides this is a great time to go home early. Hanna’s in the file room, though, snooping. She finds some relevant sign-in sheets, tears them out of the book and stuffs them in her purse.
One Coffee Shop. Ezra hasn’t called Aria back. She gets up to go and Hunky Counselor stops her to chat on the way out. He wonders if she’s interested in joining the group. With the girl who tried to kill her last year. Her response is literally “uh, no.” She says she needs an outlet and he suggests roller derby and then basketball. LOL. Then says he’s always available for one on one meetings. I bet you are! Aria says she just doesn’t want to lose her brother, and he suggests they sit down and talk right now. She runs away. Run Aria run! One pedobear is enough.
Deserted dentist office. Hanna, not realizing the office has completely shut down, returns to the chair. Someone in a white coat enters, shoves the anesthesia mask over her mouth and she passes out. As if that wasn’t creepy enough, A Dentist then does some sort of syringe thing at her mouth as I turn away. Ahh!
Mari: Hanna’s traumatic A encounters are definitely second place to Emily’s. Wait, no, does staging a dead Toby for Spencer to find give Spencer the edge? IDK. I really hate the dentist.
Sweeney: The important thing is that we can all agree how easy Aria has gotten off, definitely coming in dead last in that race.
Jessica: H&H bar. Spencer is still doing reconnaissance after Ezra’s left. A waitress brings over a beer which Ezra already ordered, TO GO WITH HIS BOYSENBERRY PIE. Now the Alli!back comes with Ezra’s non-shadowy form and voice, in which he is gross and creepy.
Flashback!Alli says she’ll probably write a story about the moment, then kisses him. This is what he’s been trying to hide, and coma!Spencer gets it. Then she looks down at the beer label and it’s BOARD SHORTS ALE. OMG A IS EZRA YOU GUYS. I am so excited about this. I didn’t want to trust all the Toby editing and obvious foreshadowing but it has to be him, right? I knew all along he was terrible!
Sweeney: NEVER LET GO OF THAT THREAD, JESSICA! NEVER LET GO!
Jessica:
Nighttime at Rosewood School of Extracurriculars You Apparently Do in the Dark. Emily is in a classroom standing by the printer. She hears a sound in the hallway and investigates. For some reason, all the lights are off.
Emily goes into Ezra’s dark classroom, puts some copies of something on his desk, and the door slams shut like in a horror movie. Oh poor Emily. Best hope there are no saws around! She tries to call someone, but the PA system turns on loud music. She calls her dad, and the lights are flickering. As she yells at her dad in panic, “Act Normal, Bitch” flashes on the scrolling announcement screen above the door. Doors are slamming all around. She yells at her dad to come pick her up immediately.
Meanwhile, Hanna wakes up in the dark dentist office of doom with blood on her lips. The papers she put in her purse are gone, but I guess A fixed that filling for her, so cool?
Emily is still being trapped in the school with metal music, slamming doors and flickering lights. She can’t budge the window in the room she’s barricaded herself into. She sees her dad drive by but he doesn’t hear her shout. A hooded figure is illuminated in the doorway.
Papa Fields tries to open the school doors but can’t. The hooded figure is struggling to get in, but PF is on the case. Emily breaks the window with a three hole punch and yells for her dad. He climbs the drain pipe to open the window. As they both climb back down the drain pipe, black-hooded A looks down at them, face completely blacked out. Surprisingly, they make it down the drain pipe without incident.
Back on the ground, Emily apologizes for panicking, but then her dad collapses. NO, Papa Fields! Is it the Rosewood air that’s killing of one of the few non-negligent parents? Emily freaks out and calls 911. (M: SOMEONE SAVE HIM.)
Ambulance lights flash after a non-commercial break. Papa Fields is on a gurney, with oxygen, getting ready to be transported to the hospital. He confesses that it’s not just a normal furlough he’s on. He had some tests done and something is wrong with his heart. They hug and I have definite feels.
Emily goes to Aria’s house to stay while her mom’s in the hospital with her dad. Emily thinks A is trying to kill her dad. Coma!Spencer shows up after getting Aria’s text. After a tense moment, Emily relents and they hug. Hanna is close behind. She tells them the dentist story: “I think I got treated by A.” Hanna is in pain. “Will one of you please look inside my mouth?” she asks.
They’re looking in her moth with flashlights. Spencer asks for tweezers and I am legitimately grossed out right now. Eww. Spencer pulls out some tiny thing. It’s … a tiny scroll of paper. “I told you. Dead girls can’t smile. Quit looking. -A.” eeeewwww so unsanitary! This is worse than when Emily got massaged by A. Agh, I can’t even.
Jessica: A-nonymous: A gloved hand holds up the sign-in sheets Hanna stole and shreds them. The hand then puts the shavings in the missing bird’s cage (remember that live bit of evidence they lost?). Next to it on the wall is a map with a X marking the spot of Wilden’s yacht. I’m guessing this will be relevant to next episode’s plot.
Whew! I feel like a lot of things happened in that episode. At any rate, I survived my first PLL recap, and that alone is cause for celebration!
Next time on Pretty Little Liars: Ezra keeps spying on the Liars like a mega-creep in S04 E18 – Hot for Teacher.
I'm a 30-something south Floridan who loves the beach but cannot swim. Such is my life, full of small contradictions and little trivialities. My main life goals are never to take life too seriously, but to do everything I attempt seriously well. After that, my life goals devolve into things like not wearing pants and eating all of the Zebra Cakes in the world. THE WORLD.
Nicole is the co-captain of Snark Squad and these days she spends most of her time editing podcasts. She spends too much time on Twitter and very occasionally vlogs and blogs. In her day job she's a producer, editor, director, and sometimes host of educational YouTube channels. She loves travel, maps, panda gifs, and semicolons. Writing biographies stresses her out; she crowd sourced this one years ago and has been using a version of it ever since. She would like to thank Twitter for their help.
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