Previously: Momma drama.
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The College Try
Grace: Hello friends! I’m super excited to guest recap for my internet idols, the lovely Snark Ladies, especially since I, like so many of my predecessors, have never seen this show before. Away we go!
After the previouslies, we open with Ryan carrying a duffel bag into what I can only assume is a palace – no, wait, it appears to be the Cohens’ house. (M: 75% of that house is imaginary and unusable anyway.) He goes to the kitchen, where Seth is chilling out with his own duffel bag. He eyes Ryan’s luggage: “You taking all that? You only own like a wifebeater and 2 hoodies.” Ryan says he doesn’t know what you’re supposed to pack for a prospective student weekend, so he just threw everything in. Seth claims he’s packing light for “pre-frosh weekend,” even though he’s not a pre-freshman. Fake it till you make it, I guess.
Ryan gives him A Look, but Seth says Ryan was totally up for this plan when they came up with it (ooh! I saw this in the previouslies! But I don’t think it’s a good plan. Just a guess). Ryan proves me right by pointing out that they really only have the beginning of a plan: Seth is going to fly to Brown and then somehow convince a nebulous “them” of admissions people to admit him. I see no way this can go wrong.
Marines: How is it that they know so little about life?
Grace: Maybe they’ve never been outside the palace walls because of their parents’ rules? No, wait, that’s Disney…Then again maybe they just spend a lot of time lost inside this ridiculously huge house and stumble upon the outside world only by accident.
Ryan asks about Summer, since every kid at Harbor (NGL, I totally thought he said Harvard for a minute and was really confused) is going to their prospective school this weekend so Summer will definitely be at Brown. Seth’s defense plan is “We’re going to a land of pasty Jewish kids. For once I’ll blend right in.” However, he’s booked a flight through Chattanooga so there’s no way he’ll see Summer on the plane. Ryan just doesn’t want to see Seth dig himself a deeper hole here. Points for caring, Ryan, but at the rate he’s going I’m thinking a shovel will be a good graduation gift.
Seth counters that Ryan’s going to Berkeley with his ex-girlfriend, but Ryan doesn’t get a chance to respond because Kirsten enters stage right to ask if they’re ready yet. She goes into proud parent mode about how the next time they do this it’ll be sending the boys off for real, which makes Seth super uncomfortable. Or that could just be the discomfort from having his pants continually on fire. On their way out the door, Ryan asks where Sandy is and Kirsten says he had an important meeting. Her Significant Look Into the Distance suggests this displeases her.
Airport. Seth pretty much just gets away from Kirsten and Ryan ASAP, which gives me feels for Kirsten who is sending her son off to look at college. (M: Welcome to the land of adults watching teen shows: we have all the feelings for the parents.) But then she and Ryan head toward his gate and he admits he’s nervous, so at least she gets a cute moment with her foster son. She tells him if he conquered Newport, Berkeley will be a breeze. He starts to say how it was because of the Cohens, but she cuts in, “Hey. You did this. You earned your future. Enjoy it.” She sends him off with a hug. When she turns around, she sees a brunette businesswoman coming down the stairs and greeting a nanny with a toddler. I have no idea what’s happening but the kid is cute and I assume it’s significant because dramatic music has replaced the airport Muzak. Kirsten stares after the women and kid as they leave. (M: AH! WE KNOW THAT GIRL.)
CALIFORNIA HERE WE COME! (Honestly this song sounds nothing like it did in my head.)
Marissa is packing when Summer comes in and asks to borrow a sparkly scarf. She changes her mind, though, because kids at Brown don’t wear sparkly scarves, so maybe she should stop on her way to the airport and get “some kind of angry piercing” instead. Marissa tells her to just be herself. Summer says it’s all wrong, because she’s supposed to be going to Brown with Seth, except she calls him Cohen so it takes me a second to realize who she means, and Marissa’s supposed to be going to Berkeley with Ryan. Marissa says she is going to Berkeley with Ryan, just not with him with him, which maybe is a good thing because they have to focus on the future.
She’s very gung ho about the prospective student weekend thing, which Summer says is weird coming from someone who threw away her acceptance letter. Marissa says she was going through something. “Is something code for having an affair with an almost homeless surfer dude, and does your past tense imply it’s over?” Sorry, Summer’s lines are just really good in this scene. (M: She usually gets the good ones. I appreciate her sass.) Marissa says everything with Volchok is over and after today she won’t see him again. But she will see him today because she has to pick up stuff she left at his place. No, she won’t, Summer says, because “saying your last goodbye with his dirty mattress in plain sight? That is breakup sex waiting to happen.” This girl knows what’s up. Marissa says fiiiiiiine she’ll just meet him at the diner, then says Summer should take the sparkly scarf to help her be herself.
Nandi from that brothel episode of Firefly Julie Cooper and some guy I assume is Summer’s dad are eating breakfast when the girls breeze in. (M: I somehow forgot about the brothel episode. I’m pretty sure Nandi is just Julie Cooper escaped to space in the future.) Summer and her dad leave to load up the car and Julie offers one last time to go with Marissa. She could even pretend to be her Scientology guide! Marissa says not to worry because she got all the partying out of her system and she really does want something different from this. Julie says the Cooper women have nine lives and she’s just glad Marissa is on to her next one. Summer’s dad returns to say Summer’s waiting in the car, and Marissa hugs her mom goodbye.
After she’s gone, Julie asks what Summer’s dad wants to do with their weekend alooooooone. He has some retirement party the next day and asks why she never comes with him to these things. IDK if this is just how they film this show, but it seems like the camera is slowly zooming in on both of them throughout this conversation and it’s supposed to be way more intense than it is. Julie says the women would just gossip about her, but Summer’s dad points out that she used to throw a lot of parties for the dating service. Julie says she had Kirsten as her wingwoman, so Summer’s dad wants to invite Kirsten and Sandy. Julie eyes her wedding ring like she’s regretting something, but he says it would mean a lot to him so she agrees to go.
Super rainy Berkeley campus. Ryan’s freshman buddy, Wes, is late, and Ryan is much more gracious about being left on an unfamiliar campus in the rain than I would be. They make small talk as they head toward Wes’s dorm. Wes mentions he noticed that Ryan was from Newport and asks if he went to Harbor, then if he plays water polo. Ryan confesses that he’s not really from Newport because he grew up on the wrong side of the tracks and he’s secretly a poor person. Wes says he’ll be okay, because there’s no mold at Berkeley so it’s easy to fit in, which Ryan says he’s not used to. Aw.
Diner at the pier. Marissa walks in to meet Volchok, who I know NOT as James from Twilight but as Christina Aguilera’s love interest from Burlesque:
I sold your stuff to get more guyliner. Sorry.
Mari: Wow. I didn’t think it would ever get better than everyone seeing him as James from Twilight, but the guyliner really takes this to a new level.
Grace: You’re welcome.
Marissa says she’s on a tight schedule, so does he have her stuff? But NO HE DOES NOT HAVE HER STUFF. Jerk. He wants to know why she ditched him, but she says he already knows. They have nothing in common. Volchok says, yeah, like money, but Marissa says it’s not like that. See, when they were little, she and her sister used to watch The Sound of Music. Volchok snarks that he must have missed that one. Marissa ignores him and explains that she always used to think she would grow up to be just like Liesel and have a perfect boyfriend who would sing to her in gazebos. I feel the need to point out that that movie ends with the perfect boyfriend being a Nazi who tries to turn the whole family in, but I guess they were a cute couple up until that point?
Mari: I LOVE The Sound of Music, but no. Never. Even that one song is super uncomfortable.
Grace: Anyway, Marissa says she doesn’t want to give up on the Sound of Music dream. Volchok says good luck with that and he’ll drop off her stuff, but in a really sarcastic way that makes me think she’s never seeing that stuff again.
Kirsten walks into an office where Sandy is saying businessy things on the phone. He hangs up and starts to apologize to Kirsten for the other night (Sandy, what did you do?) but she’s here about something else. She says she saw Ryan’s ex, Theresa, at the airport this morning with a little boy who looked about two (ohhhhhhhhhhhh…). Sandy gets all deer in headlights and says it could be her cousin or nephew or something, but Kirsten recognizes a mother when she sees one. Sandy says Theresa told Ryan she lost the baby, so did she lie? Um, yes, Sandy. Kirsten wants to tell Ryan, but Sandy thinks they should keep it to themselves, at least until Ryan gets home. Kirsten does not look pleased with this plan.
Brown campus. Seth calls Ryan to ask how Berkeley is. Ryan says it’s cold and wet and awesome. Seth, for his part, is excited that there is actual ivy growing on the Ivy League buildings. So I guess we’re done talking about Ryan’s prospective school experience now. Cool, Seth. Ryan asks if Seth is on the quad where Summer could see him, but Seth just really wanted to see the campus. He says it feels like home. Then someone shouts his name. He’s afraid to turn around, but it turns out to be this blonde girl, Anna.
Mari: Damn, all the exes are coming back! I’ll be the mean one and say I’m okay with the fact that Oliver can’t. I’d take some Olivia Wilde, though. Why not?
Mostly: ANNA!
Grace: After the not-break, Seth and Anna are walking arm-in-arm through campus catching up. She says she loved his comic book, Atomic County, and the mobi-sode (this part is weirdly dubbed so I don’t actually know what they’re saying) was hilarious. Seth gets all sad because he traded that comic to some guy for Summer. Because this is the 12th century and a woman can be bought with material goods like comics and goats. Anna asks how Seth and Summer are doing, and he says they’re good (liar) but he hopes Summer doesn’t get the wrong idea about him bumping into Anna. Which pretty much just guarantees she will get the wrong idea. Does he not know how television works? Anna says maybe it’s fate, but Seth doesn’t think so since he’s not actually admitted to Brown. He explains his admission plight and asks if Anna will pretty please help him, although I don’t know what he expects a fellow 18-year-old to do to sway the administration of one of the most prestigious schools in the country. She tells him about a Meet the Faculty reception where he could talk to the admissions guy. Now he just has to come up with what to say.
Casa de Cohen. Julie enter-vites Kirsten and Sandy to the Doctor Dinner the following night. Kirsten says she’s busy, but Julie’s not buying it. Kirsten admits she and Sandy have hit a rough patch, and she’s not a huge fan of the hospital project. “Well, are you a huge fan of me?” Julie asks. Kirsten says Julie doesn’t need her, but Julie disagrees. Ever since Caleb died, Kirsten has helped her navigate the social waters around here. She really wants the Doctor Diners to like her, so will Kirsten please please come? Kirsten relents and Julie leaves all excited.
Berkeley dining hall. Ryan and Wes’s friend Miguel are trading stories about family members in jail. Wes says Miguel is also the first in his family to go to college. Ryan asks if Miguel ever felt out of place, and Miguel says, “Um, duh!” but adds that as long as his grades are good, “I figure I belong here as much as anyone else.” He says Wes wants to be a Supreme Court Justice, which Ryan says is amazing. “Speaking of amazing,” Wes says, and we see Marissa looking lost. Ryan gets this great look like, “Of course,” while Wes and Miguel get excited that she’s heading their way. Of course, it’s to say hi to Ryan, who explains that they both went to Harbor. Marissa is alone because her freshman buddy is vegan and boycotting the meat-inclusive lunch. But she’s totes fine on this unfamiliar campus with no one else she knows besides her ex-boyfriend, so she goes to an empty table instead of joining the guys. Wes and Miguel demand some backstory, to which Ryan gives the Cliff Notes version of the past 3 seasons. Wes says Marissa seems lonely, so Ryan says he can go talk to her if he wants. He has to get used to it anyway if they’re going to be at college together. This seems like a dangerously mature attitude to have on television, Ryan. So Wes heads over to flirt with Marissa.
Mari: Can Wes be any worse than James Guyliner Volchock? Probs not.
Grace: I seriously doubt it. The bar is set pretty low.
Stalk the Admissions Guy Reception. Anna points out their target guy, but Seth is too busy looking around for Summer. He hasn’t even written down anything to say, figuring he’ll just wing it. Anna is not impressed, but Seth just runs over anyway.
Meanwhile, Summer is hanging out by the buffet in a pretty dress with two random kids who are talking about jihads. She asks what a jihad even is, which they take as reframing the whole question, so she just sips her water until she spots Seth talking to Admissions Guy. Ruh roh.
We shift focus to Seth’s convo with Admissions Guy, in which Seth does manage to set up a five-minute meeting with the guy the next day. Summer approaches as Admissions Guy leaves. She says he’s obviously going to Brown, he just didn’t want to go with her. Before Seth says anything because this is television, Anna shows up. Summer looks like someone stole all her Halloween candy but keeps her cool pretty well and says everything finally makes sense. She walks away, leaving the two of them looking awkward.
Quietest Dorm Party Ever, Berkeley. Wes and Marissa discuss her history with Ryan. Again. Ryan is on a tour of the architecture building (is this a thing? Does he want to be an architect?) (M: Yep. Continuity is continuous.), which Wes couldn’t show him because he’s a poli-sci major. This reminds Marissa of her dad. She says several things about Wes remind her of her dad, actually, which is awkward. Ryan wanders in and Marissa goes over to say hi. They chat about trying the whole friendship thing in college and it’s actually pretty cute.
Casa de Cohen. Sandy waltzes in all excited about the Doctor Dinner when Ryan calls. Sandy chats for a minute, then hands the phone to Kirsten because of a business call on his cell phone. Ryan appears to be calling from the party, which I find weird, and says Berkeley is actually kind of amazing. Kirsten says everything at home is fine, but she says it in a really weird tone of voice that lets Ryan know everything is not fine. She tries to deflect, but he’s concerned, and it’s sweet, so she ends up telling him she saw Theresa at the airport with a toddler. Ryan just kind of looks around like DAMN.
After a not-break, we’re at what I hope will be the Walking Tour of Obsequious Apologies. Anna reminds Seth that he’s just going to tell Summer the truth, right?
Seth nods and heads over. Anna, intelligent soul that she is, makes herself scarce. Summer tells Seth to leave her alone as Jack the Sophomore announces that they’ll be getting started as soon as everyone has their nametags. Seth tries to talk to Summer but Jack the Sophomore asks if Seth has a nametag, so he scrambles for one that says “Kumar.” Jack the Sophomore looks unconvinced, so Seth makes something up: “I am half Indian, half Jewish – I am a HinJew.”
Seth continues saying a lot of words about how she should let him explain but none of those words form an actual explanation. They stop so the rest of the walking tour has to awkwardly edge past their drama. Summer says she knows exactly what happened: he dumped her so he could date other girls in college, and then got a head start. He already ruined senior year, but she’s not going to let him ruin college too. She asks him again to leave her alone and goes to catch up with the tour.
Casa de Cohen. Ryan comes home early, which Kirsten says he didn’t have to do, but Ryan was kind of expecting something bad to happen. “I mean, for once things were uncomplicated, how long can that last, right?” I think my heart just broke and I think Kirsten’s does too. All she says is that they’ll get to the bottom of things, and also she found Theresa’s address on the internet. Ryan goes to put his stuff away, but Kirsten stops him to add that whatever happens, they’re behind him.
Intimidatingly Oak Panelled Room. Admissions Guy arrives for his meeting with Seth, who has notecards this time about what to say! He introduces his speech as a list of reasons he should have gotten into Brown, and Admissions Guy is not amused when he realizes Seth isn’t actually admitted. Seth says it must have been a clerical error. I’m not thinking calling his institution incompetent is the best way to win this guy over, Seth. But he says he has to try, so Admissions Guy gives him one minute. Seth has to condense his planned speech, basically just giving the highlights of any Common Application. Admissions Guy snarks that, compelling as the speech was, Seth should really GTFO.
Desperate, Seth explains that as much as he loves the school, it’s really about a girl and how he’s going to lose her if he doesn’t get in. “So this is about a girl.” “It’s about THE girl.” Admissions Guy is actually quite pleasant and says he understands, but this is something Seth has to do on his own. Seth does not look reassured.
Mari: I honestly refuse to believe that Seth thought he was going to walk in here and get accepted. I mean, I know he also lied to everyone about being accepted in the first place…
Never mind. Seth keeps getting dumber.
Grace: It just kind of seemed like he spent a lot of time shocked and surprised that he didn’t get in because he just assumed he would, and as a result of that assumption he wants it to be someone else’s mistake instead of his own. So yeah. TV logic.
Casa de Cohen. Sandy is surprised to see Ryan home early. He offers some reassurance about not jumping to conclusions about whose kid it is, but Ryan’s kind of distracted by the potential of fatherhood. After he leaves, Sandy goes up to where Kirsten is folding laundry in their room. She says she told Ryan because he had a right to know, and also Sandy had a business call so he couldn’t give his input. Sandy takes that to mean she told Ryan about Theresa to punish Sandy, but Kirsten repeats that Ryan deserved to know Sandy says if Theresa has never asked anything of Ryan, why should they? Kirsten fires back that fatherhood and family are important and Sandy used to be the one making that argument. Sandy asks what that’s supposed to mean but Kirsten and I know that he totally knows. He says he has to get back to the office. I was led to believe the Eyebrows were wiser than this.
Mari: All of their marriage problems always seem like problems than shouldn’t be problems. Of course Eyebrows knows better than this. He’s being sacrificed to the plot gods that demand MOAR DRAMA. I’m sad.
Grace: Super rainy Berkeley campus. Marissa runs into Wes to flirt and help him carry supplies for a party and basically the point of this exchange is for her to find out Ryan went home early. She doesn’t know whether she should call him. Wes assures her that if Ryan wants her to know, he’ll tell her. I feel like that would be true if this were not television.
Nice Apartment Building. Ryan goes to Theresa’s apartment and the nanny answers the door with the kid, whose name is Daniel. The nanny says she’ll tell Theresa he stopped by and Ryan stands there with an OH MY GOD look on his face.
After the not-break, we’re at another Really Quiet Berkeley Party. Wes tells Marissa how tomorrow these same party animals will be fighting each other for the best study carrels. She says it sounds intense, and he agrees, to her surprise. He tells her this is his second attempt at freshman year because he partied too much last year, got horrible grades, and ended up going home after a few months. Marissa says she’s not really the gung ho pre-freshman she appears (gasp!) and tells him how 2 years ago she was the straight-A social chair who rode her sister’s pony for fun. Then, “My dad lost all his money, pony lost all its hair, my mom kinda lost her mind…” Basically she stopped being someone who belonged at college, or anywhere. Wes says everyone belongs somewhere, but Marissa isn’t so sure.
Doctor Dinner. The Cohens arrive and Sandy promptly ditches Kirsten to network. Julie feels bad for dragging Kirsten out and suggests they go hide out by the crab dip and flirt with bartenders.
Casa de Cohen. Marissa comes over to see if Ryan is okay. They talk about how she was kind of hoping Berkeley would just magically take her away from all her Newport probs, and he tells her about the Theresa drama. She asks why he thinks he’s the father, and instead of “because I had sex with her,” which is the answer I was expecting, he says it’s because Berkeley was like living someone else’s life, and hearing about Theresa brought him back to being himself. Marissa says she could tell Berkeley felt right for him, so she’s sure he’ll get back there somehow.
Mari: This is the saddest. He think he’s the father because he was happy for a few scenes. Wow.
Grace: This gave me all the Ryan feels.
Doctor Dinner. Sandy stands up to thank everyone for being there and introduces Kirsten as his supportive wife. She stares at her plate while everyone claps and Summer’s dad asks how she thinks Sandy is doing as head of the Newport Group. There’s a bit too long of a pause, so Sandy covers with a joke and sits down, but Kirsten has her own toast to make. “To Sandy Cohen, who has told me countless times over the last year how important this hospital is to him.” Julie just whispers, “Damn.” Kirsten continues, “Y’know, they say that when you grow up, you marry your father. I thought I’d escaped that.” She walks out, grabbing a glass of wine off a tray on the way. Outside, she stares at the glass, then drains it and I was seriously saying “Nononononononono Kirsten honey nonononono” throughout this whole part. (M: Same.)
Just Another Newport Palace. Marissa is talking on the phone with Summer, who tells her Seth is dating Anna and going to Brown. Marissa asks how he explained himself, but Summer admits she didn’t really give him a chance to explain. To be fair, Summer, he kept dancing around it anyway. Marissa points out that Summer doesn’t know anything for sure yet. Summer deflects by asking about Berkeley, which Marissa says could be great if she was ready for it, but she’s not sure she is. Summer says she believes in her.
Airport of Misunderstanding Waiting to Happen. Anna and Seth, who really need to stop walking arm in arm if they don’t want Summer to think they’re dating, are pleased with how the MSD interview went. Seth says if he gets in, it’s all because of Anna, but she says it was his comic that was so impressive. They hug goodbye and hold on just long enough for the crowd to part and Summer to see them and look crestfallen.
Mari: I honestly hate the misinterpreted hug as a plot device. I promise before God and the Internet that if I ever see a hug that upsets me to just yell, “HEY, WHY ARE YOU GUYS HUGGING?” instead of walking away sadly. Amen.
Grace: That’s a pledge everyone should sign. USE YOUR WORDS, PEOPLE.
Hovel of Poor Life Choices. Marissa sneaks in while a shirtless Volchok sleeps behind a red saran wrap screen of some kind. This is weird. She goes looking for her stuff and stumbles across a rental copy of Sound of Music. I get that this is supposed to be cute, but it’s not cute enough to justify what Marissa does next, which is crawl into bed next to Volchok. (M: Especially because his mattress is still dirty.) (G: Where is Summer and her reality checks when we need her?)
Casa de Cohen. Ryan broods by the pool when Theresa shows up. He starts to explain that he only came stalking her because he needs to know, but she cuts him off. Daniel isn’t his kid. She had a paternity test done and everything. She apologizes for lying but she saw how the Cohens changed his life. Ryan interrupts to ask if the father is helping her out, because he would have. Theresa knows, which is also part of why she lied to him, but it’s okay because she’s got a career of her own going on. Ryan asks how Daniel is and if she wants to grab a bite and catch up. They sit by the pool chatting as we fade out.
Well, that was an adventure.
Next time on The OC: Prom time! Marissa brings Volchok and no one likes it in S03 E23 – The Party Favor.
20-something Creative Writing student who spends more time telling others how to write than working on my own writing. I've wanted to be an author since I was 5 and do not plan to change that goal anytime soon. I am an avowed bookworm and Disney nerd. Will take over the world as soon as I drink enough coffee to give me superpowers.
I'm a 30-something south Floridan who loves the beach but cannot swim. Such is my life, full of small contradictions and little trivialities. My main life goals are never to take life too seriously, but to do everything I attempt seriously well. After that, my life goals devolve into things like not wearing pants and eating all of the Zebra Cakes in the world. THE WORLD.
