A Series of Unfortunate Events S02 E02 – The Smallest of Points

Previously: The kids started a new school, but the old misery prevails.
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Annie: Look away! Look away!

We get stuck straight in to this episode where we left off, with Olaf riding a dead horse and Carmelita the horrible leading the students at Prufrock in the ‘Who can’t be beat?’ ‘A dead horse!’ call and answer.

Sidebar. Can we talk about this outfit that ‘Genghis’ Olaf is wearing for a minute? It makes me feel uncomfortable. This article says it’s totes okay, because NPH used a southern accent, so it would appear that he’s just stupid and not being a racial stereotype… ?

I dunno. Feels bad, man.

Dani: It’s definitely racist… which feels totally in-character and appropriate for Count Olaf. Everything this character does makes me feel uncomfortable and angry and sometimes nauseated (remember how molester-y his scenes with Violet were when he was trying to marry her?), so this bit didn’t stand out to me more than anything else.

Annie: Anyway. Snicket appears in his varsity sweater and hat to tell us that School Spirt is a curious term. It may make you think of a ghost or another kind of undead phantasm, haunting the place. Or like a piece of gum stuck in an old trophy case. (M: I love this? It rings of my uneasy feelings about school spirit, too.) (S: I remember the principal of my high school being like “you’re the class with the least school spirit ever” with us and it never hit like he meant it to because “….okay?”) He’s now standing in front of a school memorabilia display cabinet and turns to look over his should. The camera zooms in on a framed photo, labeled Prufrock Preparatory School Drama Club. The photo is black and white and there are five guys in it, the centre two boys look like Snicket and Olaf.

Snicket is back among the chanting students and explains that school spirit means a belief that one’s school is better than another. The kids sitting around him chant that to the cadence of ‘A dead horse!’ Snicket tells us the Baudelairs are about to learn there are worse things that can haunt a school.

The kids are standing and cheering and Olaf is a fan. Nero tells the kids to settle down and Olaf launches into a speech about how settle means settling for less and down is his least favourite direction. He tells the students a story about ‘a woman he knew’, who was struggling with adult life problems like a shitty love life, no job, can’t loose the weight. Tells the kids this story must describe each and everyone of the kids. They look confused. Nero tries to point out that Olaf is talking to kids, but Olaf ignores him and continues.

He asks the kids if they thought he told her to settle down. The kids shout back ‘probably not!’. Olaf walks down among the audience, sharing the advice he gave this woman, but basically he is screwing up cliched motivational phrases and using buzz words like ‘actualize’ that make me want to punch him in the throat. He asks the kids if they know what happened to this woman. Olaf stares the Baudelaires and Quagmires right in the face and tells them that she died in a mysterious fire.

Nero is all ‘whuuuut’, but Olaf ignores him and tells the students that settling down is for losers. Nero is still trying to figure out what Olaf was talking about, but Olaf ignores him, and then completely shuts him up by saying it’s time for the violin.

Violet says that the whole school is falling for this treacherous bullshit and Duncan says that’s what always happens at pep rallies. (S: Lol and also bitingly legit.) Klaus says this might be their only chance to stop them. He tells Sunny to stay put, picks up a newspaper article that has Olaf as Olaf on the front page and walks towards the stage with Violet.

She demands they stop the music and the two Baudelaires try to prove that the gym teacher is actually Olaf. As always, no one really listens to them or believes them. Until Olivia stands up and says they should be heard. Violet outlines the long list of charges against Olaf, and one of his hench-people helpfully supplies that she left off arson. Violet says that if they were to take off Olaf’s turban, they would see that he has a unibrow. She reaches for it, but Olaf grabs her arm and explains that he wears the turban for religious reasons. Claus asks what religion that might be and Olaf looks to Nero, then the henchmen for help. The man with the hooks for hands (Fernald?) suggests ‘reconstructionist judaism’, and Olaf can’t even say the words. 

The kids mention the other identifying characteristic: Olaf’s ankle tattoo. He swears he doesn’t have one, but also refuses to take off his super hightop sneakers to prove otherwise, because it’s gross.

As none of this seems to be working, Klaus suggests comparing Genghis to Olaf’s photo in the newspaper. Nero calls him a boring librarian, which earns him two throat punches from me, and says they can use the fancy new computer system to see if this is Olaf.

Students wheel in the computer system and Olaf looks genuinely concerned. The system is stupid and says that Olaf is not Olaf. This is some Clark Kent nonsense right here.

Samantha: Oh god you’re right, my least favorite nonsense.

Mari: Though I’m not surprised this falling apart school doesn’t actually have worthwhile technology.

Annie: A relieved Olaf asks the student body if they’d like to listen to further accusations and Isadora and Duncan shout out they want further investigation into Olaf. They’re alone in this. Because the rest of the student body votes for hearing about an exciting new program. 

Olaf announces that he is there to fail them more by leading them in the best ever exercise program. He makes everyone stand up and leads them in two jumping jacks before Olaf can’t do any more. He wants to end the rally, but his hence-people remind him that he hasn’t dealt with the Baudelaires yet.

Olaf announces his special program, for a select few orphans only: SORE. Special Orphan’s Running Exercises. He makes the orphans in the room stand up and the Quagmires and Sunny stand, along with Olivia. Olaf selects the Baudelaires and tells them they’re expected at the running track at sundown, every night. This doesn’t get them out of the violin concerts, either. Womp womp.

The rally is dismissed and Violet tells Olaf they will stop him. He points out they wouldn’t have these episodes with Olaf in their new life if they could.

Mari: Meta, which is great, but also more of that “look away, look away” stuff we never pay attention to. We know Olaf is going to torment them for this next season because it exists, and yet here we are.

Annie: He asks if the kids’ parents taught them nothing. Claus tells Olaf they taught them how to survive and Olaf says to them ‘Well, those that can’t do, teach.’ 50,000 throat punches for Olaf.

The Baudelaires return to their shack, upset that once again only they can see through Olaf’s garbage. The Quagmire triplets arrive and tell them that they haven’t fallen for Olaf’s bullshit. Violet doesn’t want them getting involved, because it’s too dangerous. Isadora suggests running away, for when they come of age, they’ll have access to the Quagmires Sapphires fortune and will be able to afford living on their own. Klaus points out they tried to run away already and it didn’t go well. Isadora notices the picture on the Baudelaires’ wall and tells them it’s a picture of their parents, confirming for the kids that their parents knew each other. (S: *sniff*)

Duncan points out that Olivia told them she just needed a few days to try to track down their mysterious book, but Violet says they can’t wait that long. The door of the shack opens, and Prufrock students set down a flooring square. Carmelita says she’s there to deliver a message and tap dances while singing the message:

“The sun is setting, hurray, hurray, Genghis sent me here to say the Baudelaire orphans go to the field! And my name is Carmelita!”

Isadora points out that her song doesn’t even rhyme. Carmelita rants about cake sniffers and stomps off.

Larry is in the walk-in freezer, looking very frozen. He seems to be narrating his situation for us. Larry hears a voice outside the freezer, and then a ruggedly handsome guy kicks the door down.

Larry looks glad to see him and calls him Snicket. Jaques Snicket, he calls himself. And then asks Larry if someone called for a taxi.

Samantha: I shrieked a little? I did not know he was in this and playing a Snicket no less. And also another Snicket is here!

Annie: SORE field. It’s getting dark. Nero is there, as is Olaf. Olaf blows a rusty whistle and shouts at the Baudelaires about punctuation, you know, as in being late. 

Klaus points out he means punctuality. And that they’re not late, because Olaf only specified they had to be at the field by sundown. Olaf makes another dig at the kids’ dead parents. 450,00 throat punches to Olaf.

Olaf tells a story about 3 kids and their parents who were busy being burnt skeletons, who had nothing in their lives but their inheritance and books, and he tells the kids he gave them some running shoes, and a bucket of ‘luminous’ paint. Olaf as Genghis tells the kids he invented the word luminous. He says the kids have to drag the bucket of paint around all night long until they’ve made a luminous circle. Nero is confused how this is an exercise program, but Olaf sends him off to play violin or whatever. Violet tries to tell Olaf his plan isn’t going to work, but he interupts her with his rusty whistle.

Prufrock kitchen. Jaques Snicket is carrying a frozen Larry and they run into Carmelita. She calls them cake sniffers. Jacques says she must be Carmelita Spatz, and he says knows this because he works for an organization that keeps tabs on young people of interest. Carmelita is all ‘duh, that’s because I’m interesting.’ Jaques points out that interesting can mean different things, and that Larry is his friend and he’s not going to take Carmelita being a brat to him. Jacques goes to leave, but then adds ‘Oh. It takes one to know one, cake sniffer.’ And I’m a little too gleeful that someone is putting this little brat in her place.

Outside the library doors, the Quagmires catch up with Olivia, who is closing up the library. Again. She hasn’t found the book, but tells them she’s done some digging and found that the book doesn’t exist in any system. Nero comes by and wants to know why the Quagmires aren’t at his recital. Olivia explains that the kids just had a question about the library. Nero tells them all that the library is closed for now, on the authority of the gym teacher. Olivia says the gym teacher can’t close the library, and Nero agrees that he should’ve paid closer attention to the guy’s contract, because Olaf has also deemed the walk-in freezer off limits, which bums him out, because his popsicles are in there. Nero says it’s only temporary, because Olaf has a plan and wants something that has to do with the orphans. He then tells the Quagmire ‘twins’ to be on their way.

The Baudelaires are out running laps. The children don’t understand what Olaf could possibly gain from making them run laps all night long. 

Jaques’s taxi. Larry is on the car phone,  bringing Jacqueline up to speed about what’s going on at Prufrock. Jacqueline is under her desk, and Poe is calling for her. She tells Larry that they can’t leave the kids alone and Larry tells her they’ve made friends with the Quagmires and that the Librarian is watching out for them. Jacqueline is concerned about The Book, and Larry promises to go right back to the school. Jaques takes the phone from him and tells Jacqueline that Larry needs medical attention, but that he’s on it. Poe is buzzing for Jacqueline again and tells her that he’s leaving for the day and has to buy some candy. The visual of this is always hilarious to me. Poe and Jacqueline’s desks are metres apart and he has full view of her hiding under her desk.

Jacqueline tells Jacques to hurry, it’s a dark day.

Lemony is in the front of Jacques’s taxi. He tells us that night was indeed a dark day. That all nights are dark days because dark, but this night was a dark day because something terrible was going on. Snicket is now in the auditorium at Prufrock at Nero’s recital. He tells us it was a dark day for Olaf’s henchmen, for music, for the Quagmires, and for the faculty. Especially Olivia, who’s fate would be worse than the teacher who was going to be arrested for bank robbery. 

Outside at the track, Snicket tells us the night was the darker day for the Baudelaires as they ran all the laps, and ran them night after night, not knowing what Olaf’s plan was. The kids had no idea how to beat Olaf, just that they got more exhausted each day, having to stay up all night running laps, then go to school or work, in Sunny’s case, where they end up sleeping through pop quizzes or the dictation of letters to Mozart. (S: Obligatory #feels comment.)

The Baudelaires are having lunch with the Quagmires in the school cafeteria. Duncan acknowledges how tired they must be. Sunny is sleeping in a plate of lettuce. Klaus has failed a test and while Isadora tells him it’s no wonder, the way Olaf has been making them run all night. While the kids are trying to figure out what Olaf could possibly want to achieve with this plan, Carmelita appears with a song and dance number to tell the Baudelaires that Nero wants to see them and he’s pretty mad. Isadora points out that Carmelita’s song doesn’t even rhyme, and she sings another verse. Isadora tells her that didn’t rhyme, either, but before Carmelita can launch into the next 12 verses, Klaus angrily tells her that he gets the message. As the Baudelaires leave for Nero’s office, they see Olivia behind the cafeteria counter, handing out slop. She looks miserable.

In Nero’s office, he is berating the Baudelaires for being winded, even though they’re running 9 hours a night and that they’re failing quizzes. Genghis!Olaf is there, pacing and eyeing the kids. Luckily, the gym teacher has a solution. He’s suggesting the kids be home-school.

The kids don’t have a home, so how exactly is this supposed to work?

Mari: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Annie: Nero is going to test the kids in front of the whole school. If they pass, they can stay, if they fail, they’re off to Genghis’s ‘special life ending program’. And nope, they don’t get time off from their laps, either. (S: Cool. Cool cool.)

The orphan shack. Violet is sitting on the bed with her hair tied back and her eyes closed. Sunny, the Quagmires and Klaus are hovering over her, and Klaus is unhelpfully telling Violet that they’re running out of time. Violet opens her eyes and tells them she has a plan.

The Baudelaires and Quagmires sneak into Prufrock. The Baudelaires head to the kitchen to search for items, and something ‘for the body’, when Carmelita appears. The Baudelaires hide behind the cafeteria counter and Carmelita runs right over to a high table where there are cakes. She uses a bucket so she can reach the display, lifts the dome of the cake and sniffs it. She then sticks her face right in the cake and gets covered in powdered sugar. She gets down, returns the bucket and runs off.

Mari: Woooow it really takes one to know one huh.

Samantha: I mean what the hell.

Annie: In the closed library, the kids are getting down to work. Sunny uses her teeth to turn tongs into glasses, filling gloves with flour and Isadora is making bangs for herself. She asks how she looks and Klaus trips over his words telling her she looks good. She’s making herself look more like Violet, so IDK. This is a little weird?

Violet tells the Quagmires they can still back out, but the Quagmires tells them this is the same thing their parents taught them, this is what friends are for.

Klaus asks for the ‘glasses’ from Sunny, and he hands them to Duncan. Claus gives the spy glass to Isadora, in case something happens. Isadora says they’ll see them before long and everything will be okay. She kisses him on the cheek. As the Baudelaires are leaving the library, Violet asks what the kiss was about. Klaus says comfort. BRB, crying forever.

 

In the taxi, Snicket, sitting next to Jaques, tells us that sitting with friends, talking is one of the most powerful and important forces in the world, conversations between associates and brothers start organizations that fight treachery.

Jaques starts whistling while Lemony talks. Lemony says that the Baudelaires and the Quagmires coming together at Prufrock was responsible for defeating many evil plots. His brother told him that. He says he’d given anything to talk with his brother again. Then joins in with Jaques’s whistling.

THIS IS THE SADDEST SCENE EVER.

Mari: HAVEN’T WE LOST ENOUGH?

Samantha: BRB, have to go… well… CRY.

Annie: At the track. Genghis blows his whistle and shouts at the Quagmires, dressed as the Baudelaires, that they’re late. His henchmen tell Olaf that Larry has broken out of the freezer and taken a taxi to escape. He dispatches the henchmen and complains that here he is again, sitting around in the athletic field, waiting for his plan to work out. He shouts at the Baudelaires (Quagmires) to start running.  The kids take a deep breath, and start, pulling a dummy dressed as Sunny on a rope behind them. 

Orphan shack. The Baudelaires are studying for their exams, as the Quagmires continue to run circles at the track. The rope pulling the Sunny dummy starts to fray and then snaps. Olaf notices that the baby has stopped running. He goes over to see what’s happened and kicks the Sunny dummy. Isadora and Duncan realize the jig is up, and they run.

Olaf takes off after them. He goes into the closed library to search. The kids duck down in the stacks, hiding from Olaf. He’s about to find them (S: TERRIFYING.), but Fernald comes and tells Olaf he hasn’t found the kids because it was scary out there. Olaf tells him to guard the library, and he’ll go look for them.

Back in the library, the Quagmires are talking about whether or not they can get to the Baudelaires and warn them. Isadora says they should stay put, because at least the Baudelaires can write their exam. The kids turn and find the book! The Incomplete History of Secret Organizations. They grab the book and begin leafing through it. They find diagrams of the spy glass.

The Baudelaires are trying to stay awake as they study, as the Quagmires flip through the book. The Quagmires find the letters VFD underlined in red pen. As they’re reading, they’re discovering all their mysteries are connected.  The light from the spyglass catches the  Fernald’s attention, and he enters the library to search for the kids. The Quagmires are unaware, as they’re engrossed in the book. They find drawings and diagrams of a sugar bowl (“What’s so important about a sugar bowl?”), and don’t realize that Fernald has found them. They scream. (S: I scream about this and the sugar bowl.)

The next morning, Genghis throws open the doors to the school and heads out to the hut, asking if the Baudelaires are ready for the worst morning of their lives, when he’s surprised by Mr. Poe. Genghis!Olaf tells Poe that he knows him when Poe tries to introduce himself, and then covers by saying he’s a gym teacher, so he knows all.

Poe says he’s there to deliver candy on behalf of the Baudelaires for having missed Nero’s mandatory violin concerts. Carmelita appears and says she, too, needs payment in the form of candy, because she’s found the Baudelaires for him. Mr. Poe is of course wooed by Carmelita’s cute outward appearance and falls all over himself for this bratty child. Because he has the worst judgement.

Poe gives Carmelita a bag of candy and she tells him the Baudelaires are over in ‘that shack’. Poe is all ‘what shack?’ and Olaf is all ‘there’s no orphan shack.’  Olaf guides Mr. Poe to the auditorium. 

Carmelita and her helpers set up in the doorway of the shack. The Baudelaires are sleeping, so she clears her throat to wake them. She does a song and dance announcing that it’s time for their exams to begin and they’ll probably fail “because you’re just orphans and you’re probably dumb.”

Violet says it may be because she’s tired, but she thinks Carmelita might be improving.

Over at the auditorium, Carmelita is leading the student body in the school’s cheer. Mr. Poe enters the auditorium and the Baudelaires ask why he’s there. He explains that he’s got his disappointed look, as he’s doesn’t think homeschooling is the answer for the kids’, but he’s brought all the paper work, as Nero and the gym teacher suggested.  

The Baudelaires try to explain that the gym teacher is Olaf, but as per usual, no one is listening to these kids. Nero shows up, and tells Poe that kids will say anything to excuse their bad grades and bad work as an office administrator. Poe at least gets points for telling Nero that Sunny should be in pre-school, not working in an office.

Mari: Bare minimum points. The smallest of points.

Annie: Genghis!Olaf enters, past the security computer that announces that he is not count Olaf. Olaf starts spewing a bunch of bungled motivational cliches, and Klaus again tries to tell Poe that he is Olaf in disguise. Poe tells Claus that he can’t argue with technology and Olaf praises Poe for being so stupid. Olaf says it’s time to get started.

Carmelita is now leading the student body chanting the school’s motto “Remember, you will die!” “Remember, you will die!”, as Poe seats himself next to Olivia, still carrying his armload of candy. 

Olaf is on stage with Nero, Carmelita, the two white-face women and the Baudelaires. Olaf is acting like a hype-man.

Poe turns to Olivia and tells her that he’s actually rather excited for this show. Because he is the worst human. 

Olaf calls the kids’ teachers up onto the stage and the exam gets underway, after a ‘test them’ chant. They love the chants at Prufrock. Violet and Klaus get their first questions right, and then Nero gives Sunny a sorting task. She is the cutest. 

The testing continues and the kids continue to answer everything correctly. Poe leans over to Olivia and tells her that the children’s success thus far on the exam gives him pride that his bank has done an excellent job that these kids are surviving and thriving so soon after the death of their parents. Olivia excuses herself. In the hallway, she takes a step away from the auditorium and repeats “In a world too often governed by corruption and arrogance, it can be difficult to stay true to one’s philosophical and literary principles.”

Lemony appears behind her and repeats the phrase and tells us that’s not something that you don’t need to hear twice. Lemony tells us that it can be overwhelming to witness the unfortunate events that happen over the course of one’s life. He’s now standing outside, next to a car with the motor running.

Olivia continues down the hall, away from the auditorium, to the doors of the library that are hanging from their hinges. The library itself has been trashed. On the floor is the abandoned book the Incomplete History of Secret Organizations.

Lemony says that sometimes, you need to take a break from it all, warns us to look away before it is too late. That there is still time for things to get much worse for the Baudelairs.  

Olivia picks up the book, with a distraught look on her face. (S: Oh god.)

Back in the auditorium, the Baudelairs are receiving their grades from their exams. Violet and Claus both get A+s, while Sunny gets top marks from Nero. Violet asks if they passed, and Carmelita tells her that nope, they’re not cute enough, so they’ve all flunked, and the whole student body starts cheering ‘You flunked!’

Nero quiets the crowd and says the Baudelairs have passed with flying colours. He tells Mr. Poe that as long as he can have the candy Poe’s brought with him, the kids can stay at Prufrock. Mr. Poe says he’s no longer disappointed in the kids and glad they’ve done so well.

Olaf speaks up that the exam isn’t over, that they haven’t taken the gym teacher’s test yet, which is worth 51% of their mark. The kids are ready for any amount of laps Olaf may ask them to run, but he wants to arm wrestle with Sunny. Violet and Klaus says that isn’t fair and Poe agrees. The kids counter that a strong gym teacher should be able to manage them, and Olaf agrees to arm wrestle Violet and Klaus. 

They begin to arm wrestle, and Olaf starts telling a story about how 3 wealthy orphans came to him for help, and what did he tell them? Violet and Klaus say that you can never give up, you have to keep struggling, you must find a safe place to live, noble and reliable friends, struggling until the world sees who you really are. Meanwhile, Sunny has crawled under the table and she unlaces Olaf’s running shoe. She jumps up and helps her siblings win the arm wrestle. Olaf falls back, kicking his shoe off and revealing his ankle tattoo. 

Nero misses the point, but Poe recognizes the ankle tattoo. Olaf takes off and Violet shouts for Mr. Poe to go after him. Violet and Klaus take chase, and she manages to grab hold of his turban. They unravel it and a dizzy Olaf falls against the shack, knocking it over. Olaf hops into the waiting car outside the front doors and speeds off. The car is full of his henchpeople and Isadora and Duncan are in the backseat.(S: LET THEM GO.)

Klaus and Violet keep running after the car, and Duncan and Isadora are trying to shout to them that they’ve found the book, and are shouting the letters VFD.

The Baudelairs can’t hear them and Olaf asks Fernald to shut them up. He tells them to shush, and by doing so, knocks half of the spyglass Isadora was holding off and it falls out the car window. 

The spyglass half comes to a rest at Klaus’s feet and Lemony VOs that loosing a friend can make you feel incomplete, like there is a piece of a puzzle missing, or half a broken spyglass. Lemony warns us that this does not end with the happy rescue of two triplets, but instead, with Prufrock’s motto, which Olaf repeats “You will die.” Olaf cackles maniacally and drives off.

The three kids watch the car disappear with their friends.

Fade to black.

This episode had some really heart-wrenching moments. The top two for me was Lemony and Jacques’ taxi ride and the Quagmires and Baudeliares talking about what friends were for.

This show is really great at getting your hopes up, then making you feel stupid for doing so, because they do warn you the whole time that it’s not going to end well. Yet here we are, hoping for the best, like idiots.

Samantha: Yep! I’ve even read the books and yet I still hope!

Mari: I just am always like, “they couldn’t be kidnapping the children to kill them right now… right?”

…right?

 

Next time on A Series of Unfortunate Events: New guardians and a suspicious elevator in S02 E03 – The Ersatz Elevator: Part 1.